A/N – I can't really answer all the personal questions that you asked right now because I'm not in a good mood. And it's because of the same topic. However, this chapter was really comforting to write. So keeping all the good memories intact, to hell with the witch and her deliberate moves to belittle me. And as a reader, you just read the story and enjoy it. Don't worry about me. I'm going to give you a great ride. A few bumps but a good one. Happy Reading!
Excerpt:
"Don't feel like," I said and began to aimlessly fix things. My necklaces were taken up and returned to the red jewel box mom had given me years ago.
"What do you want me to do then?" her voice was so hoarse, she pained my heart. "Do you want me remove myself from your apartment or do you want me to stay?"
Her words were so blunt, I was shocked.
xxx
The first week working at Flames was nerve-wrecking.
Somehow I couldn't figure out how to use the fax machine even though the guy from my department had shown me like two times. Added to that, the spreadsheets they gave me to work on were quite complex to fix up. I had to sift through databases and pull out certain information. I had to make phone calls and follow up on customers' subscriptions. Most of them were not friendly, and some didn't want to stop talking. So it was a bundle of confusion.
Plus there was me trying to get used to people's faces, names and job titles.
Flames was more sophisticated than Dazzle. Glamorous and glittery. There was no dress code, a whole bunch of shifts to work, and it was like working for a party company. Every single day there was drama either between employees or customers coming in. Someone was always gossiping and the amount of relationships I heard of within the company was hilarious.
I remembered asking my supervisor, a guy name Larry, if a book of rules and guidelines existed. He handed a pamphlet to me with a jewel studded cover and smiled.
After reading through it, I came to one conclusion: rules and guidelines did exist but people weren't following any. Not only that, with a CEO like Mally, I honestly believed that her carefree spirit was the root of the chaos. She literally breezed through the hallways wearing mink coats and furry scarves. Peals of laughter would be heard after she exited one department and moved onto the next. The place had an abundance of green and orange that initially affected my eyes but after two weeks, the flames upon the front foyer wasn't an eyesore anymore.
Regina was appointed Vice President of the New York, Las Vegas, California, and Miami branches. She was also the Acting CEO in Mally's absence and was responsible for keeping the international branches in line. To my understanding, she was more qualified than Mally, and no one took a liking to her from the beginning. It was expected of course, to sit there like a speck of dirt in my own cubicle and listen to them gossip about the tiger in the new office. When called in for something, they'd send these looks around and pat each other on the back saying things like 'don't worry, it'll be alright'.
At first I was treated like a nobody. Of no importance and everyone spoke to me as if I was a baby. Oh you have to do this before you do that. You can't do this without consulting this person. You can't authorize things. You can't transfer calls. I wasn't given a code to make external calls. I had to sit with random guys in the Marketing department to watch them work. Which was awesome because all they did was talk about the most ridiculous things whilst working.
Somehow I didn't know how to break it to them that I was gay. It really didn't matter to me at that point because I was already committed and little did everyone know, my girlfriend was their boss. However, one day whilst we were talking about television shows, it just happened. Peter said something about Ellen DeGeneres and asked if I had a girlfriend or boyfriend. I don't know how he was that open minded but all the other guys turned to me.
Shrugging it off, I simply smiled and said, "a girlfriend."
Immediately I became the favorite in my department. The guys literally bonded with me and spoke about the girls they had crushes on as if I was one of them. When asked what my girlfriend was like and if they could meet her, I wanted to laugh. Right at that moment she happened to come in to hand Larry a file. And lowering my head, I avoided meeting eyes with her. The sound of Regina's voice was like music to my ears most days because we hardly got to see each other during work hours.
Her office was on the same floor as mine but in order for me to even catch a glimpse, I'd have to get up from my chair and look through the glass windows just by the door. In order to pinpoint our distance from each other, I'd describe it as my department on the east, hers on the west with about twenty feet of green carpet between the doors. There were no shutters to gaze inside at her working, and the entire wall was sealed shut. She communicated with her Persona Assistant 'Babs' via Skype and the phone.
Barbara was a loving sixty five year old with short, graying hair and kind brown eyes. There was always a smile on her round face, reminding me of my mother at once. She appeared to be the granny for the younger staff, scolding the guys who worked with me whenever they'd come with their shirts creased or out of their pants. Ties were a must according to her. They had to comb their hair and polish their shoes. Peter was the favorite. Apparently he appeared to be the youngest in the company, just eighteen and smart as hell. And most times Babs would bring sandwiches for him and they'd sit and eat them together.
She took a liking to me after just one day all because I dressed properly and carried myself like a respectable young lady. And after receiving a good word from Regina, Babs proceeded to treat me like her daughter.
I guess the only person who angered me in the building was Gloria Gasper. She was a huge woman with huge breasts and huge hips. Her voice was really loud most times and let's not even begin to talk about that laugh. Honestly, if I could find a freaking way to turn down her loud mouth, I would because she was annoying. I mean, the woman was aware of how her laughter and vulgar displays affected everyone. But she still couldn't put a lid on it. Plus her open flirtatious attempts on my supervisor was annoying. Everything about her was annoying.
You see, just as it is right now where you're first introduced to him, Larry comes across as a lovely guy. Tall and lanky, his chocolate brown hair was soft and choppy so that when he leaned over, strands would fall into brown eyes. In addition to that, he was forty six and single. Word around claimed that after being with a woman for ten years, they had plans to get married and then she died. So he couldn't move on with someone else. I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel sorry for him and what not. I'm not claiming that he should be colored as bad person immediately.
But after one week working for Flames, I realized that my supervisor was flirting with no other than Regina Mills.
To be honest, what bothered me was the fact that she never mentioned him before. Nothing came up. More than a month she had been working there. We were into August and still I didn't know he existed until I was introduced on my orientation morning. I mean, she could have brought it up as a joke that he was flirting. Because it wasn't as simple as that. It wasn't like a guy saying hi and then smiling and leaving.
Larry was actually making attempts to flirt.
I was sitting right there at my cubicle, the walls covered in green carpet and facing him directly when she came in the first week. After handing him a folder with data, Regina was told that she looked beautiful, that she was radiating and how he had never seen such a distinct shade of brown eyes. Babs had the same color eyes! Like, come on! I sat there and muted the conversation going on around me. Watching him incline his head closer to her was tolerable. That was until he reached up and captured a few strands of her hair between his fingers and felt them.
HELL NO.
A stare turned into a glare.
I choked him in my mind, invisible hands reaching around that scrawny neck.
As if sensing that something was being done to break a line of conduct, she straightened up. Then clearing her throat, Regina tucked dark hair behind her right ear. Just as I was enacting a full glare, choking Larry with all my might, she lifted her eyes and looked at me. I was caught in the act of lethally murdering my supervisor, mentally of course. And when I noted her looking, my head was lowered immediately.
That night, as it was the same for many nights, she got home and didn't call me until she was tucked under the covers. We still didn't sleep over often, still having separate apartments. It was never discussed for me to move in or whatever. So I just worked along with the flow. Until those nights began to really affect me.
You can just imagine how I felt getting home from work and waiting for her call. I watched telly, tried to cook, read, cleaned. And by the time she called me, Regina was always in bed.
Ten minutes into the conversation, she fell asleep.
That's what happened that night. I was just about to joke about Larry and then there was dead silence. Her words trailed off. I kept calling her name for like a minute and then after remaining on idle for quite a while, the mobile disconnected.
I mean, how do you expect me to feel about that? For more than a month it happened. Ever since she started to work for Flames. And bringing it up was kind of bothersome for me. Most times because of her busy schedule, Regina was cranky. Like really cranky. To a point where she stopped talking and just listened to me go on and on, dominating the conversation. I really felt annoying after some time and decided to end it. But that's how things became.
Her rule was to shut down herself instead of bitching about stuff. Because in those bad moods, something could be said, something bad and she claimed that I was loved too much to even risk it.
"Get in," I said to her one Saturday night.
It was a rainy one and my random decision was to pick her up in my yellow bug. After showing slight surprise from me parked outside, Regina pulled her black umbrella close and climbed in neatly.
"You've been working twelve hours a day, seven days a week," I turned on the engine.
"Yes, I know that."
Brown eyes remained focused forward and mine were fixed upon her. As usual, she looked really tired and frustrated. Wearing a navy blue chiffon blouse, black leather jacket and a pair of black tailored pants, not one article of clothing was creased.
"Let's go out somewhere," I suggested.
Regina sighed. Clutching her black leather handbag, she appeared to be contemplating it.
I waited, studying her face and bit my lips.
"I'm really tired." She toed the wet umbrella with her right shoe.
"I know," it didn't slip past me. "I was thinking about just taking a drive and on the way we grab something to eat. And then I'd find somewhere to park near the Hudson. And we'd sit there and talk."
Something was wrong.
The way she avoided making eye contact with me was the first sign. The second was her stiff posture, and that sigh. Toeing the umbrella, twisting the strap of her handbag over and over again. I wanted to hug her. I really did. But it's like having no idea how she'd respond for the first few seconds. Maybe it would be a bad move. So there I sat and waited. I waited for eternity for an answer until the rain came down like a sprinkle upon the windows.
"What's up?" I tried to sound really calm about everything.
Her chest heaved and my heart was beginning to gallop, every beat I felt and it was tremendous. "I'm just...tired."
"And..." leaning forward, my hair touched the steering wheel clad in red leather, just to always have part of her in the car. A touch of red. "Bad day?"
"No it's..." she began shaking her head and then stared forward, "...just drive."
"You sure?"
"Yes." I received a nod. So putting the car into drive, I swung out into traffic and we went ahead in silence.
The seconds dragged by on my end.
Suddenly I was reminded of the first time we met. When she sat there and her mind couldn't be read at all. But there was more talking back then. Now, all I could hear was her breathing, steady and low. The flexing of her fingers, how she sat with her thighs squeezed together, ankles crossed. You see, keeping my eyes on the traffic was a must. However, all the time I was just completely aware that something was wrong. And I wanted to fix it. And I wanted to fix it immediately.
Knowing that she'd want something vegan, I swung by Subs and Salads and went down the drive through. Somehow it would appear weird to state that it was spelled 'Drive Thru' so I'll leave it at that. Here we go, I'm rambling off again. I'll try not to stray away from the topic, promise.
So I ordered a chicken burger with everything, and her usual vegetable salad with dressing and diced chicken. There was no protest on her part, so most likely it was okay. She usually liked a banana shake or strawberry milk. I asked for the former and chose a can of Pepsi for me. Note that all through this, not a word was said to me. There she sat staring ahead as if I wasn't even in the car. Basically that was my sign that I had done something wrong because most times when someone did her wrong, Regina would tell me about it without hesitating.
I collected the orders and drove out with the bag in my lap. Handing her the shake, she took it and mouthed thanks. But in a very small voice. The sound of how low her tone was really cracked my heart. At that point I remembered thinking, oh crap, this is it Emma. You've fucked up and you can't even remember. Like every single thing I did that day played back in my head.
It was the first time we were seeing and talking to each other since Friday morning.
That had to be it.
Friday night, she didn't call me. I fell asleep whilst watching Three's Company and didn't wake up till this morning. I tried calling her and the message was on to alert everyone that she was in a meeting and couldn't answer. I texted her that day, just saying that I loved her. And she sent back a heart. Thinking about it now, Regina never sent a text without saying something to me. The thing is, I received the reply when the guys were busy explaining a sheet to me about sales and forecasts. So naturally, I noted the reply and locked my phone because answering in front of them would have sparked attention.
"Any place in particular you want to go?" I kept my eyes on the road. My throat ached so much.
Biting her lips, she shrugged.
So I found this spot where me and the guys used to hang, kind of like a pavilion where teenagers often came to light bonfires. Other times, people just parked up and hung out, throwing open the back of their cars and taking a few drinks. Just three vehicles were there when I parked, and a few people were up ahead sitting upon the rocks near the river. The sound of Kesha's 'Tik Tok' filled the air from a sports bar across the road. I rolled down my window and the cool wind whipped in.
"Have you eaten for the day?" I pawed around in the bag to retrieve her salad case. "I hope you have."
"Yes," she croaked.
Taking my time to hand it over to her, up to that point, Regina hadn't taken even two seconds to look at me. Our fingers brushed whilst handing over the plastic fork wrapped in tissue and lingered close. Eyelashes fluttered. I watched her closely and saw how damp those brown eyes were and I couldn't take it any longer.
"Babe," my right hand held onto her left and I squeezed her fingers, "what happened? What did I do?"
She shook her head, eyes lowered.
"It's about Friday night, isn't it?" The wind came in and fluttered black hair. "I was so tired after focusing on spreadsheets all day. Plus the guys took me to lunch. And by the time I got home, I watched some telly and fell asleep." My throat was aching so much more now. "I'm sorry that I didn't call you, okay? I really am. Plus this morning when I tried calling, you had on that alert."
"It's not that," she whispered, blinking fast. Her chest heaved.
"Another nightmare then?"
"No."
"Bad day at work?"
"No."
"Robin?"
Regina shook her head and clutched the banana shake between her fingers.
"Is it about us?" It pained me to say it but I did. "Please don't say it's about us because I'm prepared to do anything to fix whatever it is and -"
"It's my father," she said, cutting me off. The shake was rested on the dash and I studied her face. Regina's lips quivered. "He suffered from a heart attack last evening and...died just after five today."
You could imagine how huge my eyes were in that moment. I was literally frozen and so cold. My entire insides had shut down.
"Oh no," my eyes stung, "Regina, I'm so sorry."
"And the worst part of it was that..." she began to cry, "I told him this morning about having us visit him soon. Just you and me because...he wanted to see you...so much. He wanted to...meet you. And he called me this afternoon and said that I'll have a really nice wedding, he's leaving the ranch in my name. And to tell you that he loves you."
Tears clouded my eyes. I blinked through them and stared at her.
"The one parent I had that genuinely cared about me," her voice was so hoarse, "he's...gone."
Taking the shake and resting everything on the dash, I reached across the small space and wrapped my arms around her. She immediately buried her face into my right shoulder and sobbed. It was too sudden. All too much to handle. Running my fingers through her hair, I could feel how pained she was. Devastated and heartbroken. Even I was. Can you just imagine hearing something like that? Chad often spoke so highly of his grandfather and always wanted me to meet him. And now this.
"I don't know what to do, Emma," she shook in my arms. Pulling her closer, I rested our cheeks together and tears trailed down my face. "What have I done to deserve...constant...loss and...Abandonment?"
"You've done nothing," I reassured her. "Nothing at all. It's not your fault. Nothing that happened is your fault."
"But it is," she insisted, her voice so weak. Wrapping her arms around my shoulders, our foreheads were pressed together. "My marriage, the job I had for over twenty years, my...baby. What's next? You?"
"Hey," capturing her face between my palms, I stared into brown eyes that were wet from tears. "Don't think it. Stop that thought immediately. Focus on your dad and how many good memories you had with him. How he loved you, okay? Because to yourself you know that he's never going to leave you. Ever. He's always going to be around."
"He's...gone," she said in a small voice.
"No one is ever completely gone. My mother always told me from since I was a kid that once there are memories, no one is ever gone. You can't forget. You can only learn to live through it. I bet that right now, he's at peace. Do you think he is?"
I watched her think about it, and a small nod was given.
"Cry all you want," I said to her softly, "but don't do that alone. Let me be here with you because I don't want you to hurt alone."
She managed to sip her shake slowly. Her appetite had run away since last evening. The main fact that her mother and sister had flown to Texas immediately, that made matters worse. Because Regina didn't want to see them. She didn't want to see two people who had recently become strangers. Cora had cut her out of the will. Zelena had filed a restraining order. So there was no way of reconciling even during this time. What was happening was painful before my eyes. There she sat in silence, obviously thinking about her father and his funeral and Texas and the ranch.
"They can't take it away from you," I said to her, somehow reading the thoughts between us. "The ranch. They can't take it away from you. Once he's written it into the will. It's yours."
"Yes but can I return there ever again?" her fork poked around the salad.
"I'll go with you." She sent me a small smile and exhaled. "If you want to go to the funeral, I'll go with you too. And trust me, no one is going to say a bad word to you. I'll even get the guys to be your bodyguards if you want."
With the shake of her head, Regina reached over and caressed my cheek with cupped fingers. "No need. Once you're with me, I'm never intimidated or afraid of anyone. Besides, my father would want you there."
"Just imagine though," I couldn't believe it, "your mother's suddenly showing her face in Texas even after disowning your dad."
"And Zelena," she informed me, "she never liked him to begin with. His old fashioned ways were too annoying to her whilst I was the only one to savor his relaxing habitat in the countryside. You'd love his ranch," her eyes were focused on me now. "The horses. The races. His land stretching for miles."
"I bet he was an amazing dad," I smiled, trying to get her to remember all the good memories and to keep smiling.
"He really was. He always said that when he was sure of me finding the true meaning of happiness in life, then he'd be contented enough to move on."
"Well you got a new job, you came out," I took her hand and squeezed it, "you're stepping over the haters and moving on."
"I've found my soul mate," she said hoarsely, "which is the primary reason he was contented. He was so sure of it, even without meeting you first. My father immediately smiled and wished me the best. He's never done that with Robin. And no one else. That was the first time I received his blessing in regards to someone."
Finishing off my burger, I balled the paper up and tossed it into the plastic bag. She handed me her salad and I took it with one aim in mind. Poking the fork into a piece of broccoli, I dipped it into the dressing and fed her. She welcomed the gesture with a small smile and pulled me close. Nuzzling our noses together, Regina chewed and played with my hair. I always loved when she did that. Running her fingers through and massaging my scalp slowly. It felt so good.
Slowly, the worry began to fade away and the bowl was emptied. Locking the doors, I turned on the radio and found a channel that was playing some easy 70's music. Leaning back in her chair, she entwined our fingers and remained silent. That was all I needed. For her to be there, unlike so many nights when I couldn't even get to kiss her.
That reminded me of something. We hadn't even kissed in over a week. But things like that didn't bother me when it should have. Sometimes you're not focusing on something as major as that. And oftentimes we look back and wonder if things would have been different had I made the effort at least.
That night, she stayed over at my place and the rain came down harder than before. Lightening sliced the sky, wind squeezed in through cracks. We cuddled beneath thick blankets, wrapped in each other's arms. She had on one of my t-shirts; a yellow one the guys had gotten for me from the Biker's Fest last year and it reached just below her butt. So you can imagine how cute she looked in it with her hair down and no makeup after taking a hot shower.
Without holding back or waiting, both of us moved in for a kiss. It was one that lasted long and unearthed moans from us. Our toes curled together, legs entwined as the rain lashed upon the windows and thunder rolled above. I can honestly say that it was the best thunderstorm ever. Because when you're wrapped in someone's arms, with your lips grazing together ever so often, tasting so much and feeling her warm breath upon you, how in the world could you not enjoy it? Pushing my blonde hair back, Regina kissed me until I was breathless.
Climbing on top, her body moved whilst rubbing our cheeks together and I held her close whilst the rain soothed my mind. Whilst she pressed kisses along my jawline and down my neck. Eventually her body went limp after falling asleep. Face buried into my neck, she slept like a baby that night and still managed to wake up before me the following morning.
When I stretched at a quarter past ten, the sound of cutlery hitting a plate outside startled me. Rolling over, she wasn't there. So I got up and lazily went out to find that she had already cooked up something that smelled delicious and was sitting on the chair watching Oprah's 'Super Soul Sunday' segment.
"Joyce Meyer," she said to me when I sat down and wrapped my arms around her, eyes closing still. "Have you ever listened to her preach?"
"Couple of times," I mumbled into her left shoulder, smelling apples and watermelon detergent and my strawberry body wash. "She's really inspiring."
"She is." I heard the plate meet the small table next to the chair and she pulled me closer. "Are you religiously inclined, Emma?"
"I love nature," I admitted, "I love the way nature was created, I love you, and you were created obviously by angels. So even though my faith in God slightly diminished over the years, I have to thank Him more than ever for finding you."
"Likewise," she pressed a kiss onto the top of my head. "Daddy was religious. A Catholic. I oftentimes went to church. I occasionally do."
I listened to the way her voice sounded through her chest and sighed.
"Do you believe that God disapproves of the way we feel about each other?"
I thought about my mother and smiled. "Nope. My mom had a way of putting it that would wipe away any doubts. I'll let her explain to you when we see her again. Which reminds me," sitting up, I locked eyes with her. "Whenever you get time, let's go to a church service. That's if you're up to it."
"I'd love that," she smiled wryly and caressed my cheek. "At some point in my life, I must have faith in something greater. Something that as you said, brought you to me."
"But when we do get married, we can't even use a proper church."
"I always used to picture a garden wedding anyway, or one by the riverside," she studied my face. "Chad knows of a friend that has a chapel in Los Angeles that officiates marriages of the same sex. The view is grand and it's quite cozy."
"Just thinking about marrying you is probably the best thing in the world," I said to her.
"Marriage at my age," she sighed.
I frowned. "It's not so bad. It's not about age. People get married at any age. Plus couples renew their vows all the time."
"It's just that I wished things could have been a little more convenient," she confessed to me, stroking my hair. "Nothing about age. But maybe if the gap was smaller. Then we could have met sooner and had a longer stretch of time to spend with each other."
"You're talking as if we're going to die tomorrow," I looked up at her.
"No what I mean is earlier years. I'm not as agile as I used to be. Yes, the gym is frequented when I feel like but these days, my back aches and I get fatigued easily."
"Have you ever considered how hard you work?" I gazed up at her. "Putting twelve hours every day into work is more than enough. Plus you're very agile and you know it. Just thinking about you in bed should be convincing enough."
Regina laughed. "I suppose so."
"The way you twist me around and then there's that bad ass biker inside of you. Forget about even questioning your agility. You're powerful, strong and young as ever."
Oprah studied Joyce Meyer's face with a quizzical look, and the leaves within the trees rustled around them. They were sitting upon two green chairs, in the middle of a garden.
"I wish that I could go there right now," I said to her softly.
She stroked my hair. "My father's ranch is as beautiful as that. Lots of trees. How about we…" I smiled like a spoilt child when her fingers tickled my right ear, "how about we take a week off and head out there as soon as my father's funeral has passed and I clarify the will?"
"Hell yeah," I buried my face into her lap and remained face down. "Maren't mou moing mo ma muneral?"
"What is that, my little yellow kitten?"
I lifted my head, already intoxicated by her scent. "Rawr."
"Oh?" she raised an eyebrow at me and blinked. "Must we have this conversation right now?"
"I want cuddles," and taking up her finger, her thumb was chewed.
"You are too cute, my love," she said hoarsely. There was still a darkness in those brown eyes that signaled sadness over losing her father though. But she was really trying to focus on being slightly happy.
I wanted to ask her how yesterday really went but was scared of scratching at wounds. Most obviously Regina took the hard way out and suffered through endless meetings without shedding a tear. Until later that evening when the sadness couldn't be held back. Knowing that it wouldn't be over though, I was prepared to brace myself for more distress. Whenever it would be shown.
"So Larry," I turned to lie on my back, head still in her lap, "he's a great Supervisor. Really cool. I heard he got his Masters just last year."
"Very nice man," she agreed, eyes focused on the telly.
"You two go way back?"
"Just Flames."
I was looking at her face. She wasn't looking at me.
"He really likes you. There are these little hearts that appear in his eyes every time he sees you." She smiled. "I think he has a crush on you. No, I don't think. I know."
"Poor soul," Regina said softly, "he's the wrong gender. A waste of time and effort."
"But you've dated guys before."
"I have."
"I haven't."
Her eyes were lowered to meet mine. "Emma, dear, what is this about? Quite the sore subject, isn't it?"
I stared up and remained silent. She continued watching television and my mind just went on fast forward. Like what if there was more to this? What if she was hiding something and I didn't know about it? But she'd never do that. Never. She'd never hide anything from me.
"I saw him flirting with you," I said with a smile, knees kinked as I toed the cushion on the chair.
"One can flirt," her brown eyes remained on the show, "but it takes two to tango. Now shush, no more talk on that matter."
"But he was –"
Her fingers neatly pressed upon my lips. She let out a sigh and blinked. "Hush now, my darling. Be still and quiet. For no worry should bother your mind. My heart is only entwined with thee."
"Aww," I couldn't help it. My heart curled up after her words. And it was all about the way she said it. In that husky voice with a slight tremor.
The subject was dropped eventually. The show was focused on and during a commercial break, she got up to fetch me a plate of broccoli, corn, rice and chicken strips with a tomato stew. From the first mouthful, I fell in love and ate the entire plate. Then after doing so and washing up the wares, I got her a can of Diet Coke and for me, the usual Pepsi.
Regina was all too fussy about sugars and cholesterol. She always had this notion in her head that her body was getting out of shape. When it was the complete opposite to me. She had everything in the right proportion, was soft to the touch in every place and there was nothing wrong about her body mass. Nothing at all. As for me, I was slender and my collar bones slightly showed out. My boobs were smaller whilst she filled a 36C. I barely filled up a 34 on good days.
Flat chest Emma.
I remember when the girls in high school used to taunt me. Over and over again, they always asked me if I left my boobs home. The three Stooges though. Now they couldn't care less. As Killian often said, once the personality fitted in order, then she could have a chest as flat as his. Thinking about it now, maybe that sounded a little too gay. Or possibly overly considerate of him.
Her cellphone rang and she picked it up from the table. After checking the ID, Regina pushed it aside and ignored the call.
"Who's that? Robin?" I frowned.
"No. Someone else."
I waited and she changed the television channel aimlessly, avoiding my eyes. After some time, I turned to the screen and watched Supernatural with her. Dean and Sam were investigating the Bloody Mary racket in a small town. To be honest, I never really watched all the seasons throughout, but managed to catch them on TNT.
Maybe my sudden silence worried her because the phone was picked up once more, she tapped away on the screen and then it was handed to me. After checking the display, when I saw the name, my heart did a flip flop.
"Told ya," I said, as she played with my hair, "he's into you."
"He asked me out for lunch."
I stared back. "And?"
"I said…that I have other plans. I'm spending the day with a friend."
"You could have told him that you have a girlfriend," I suggested. "Everyone knows you're gay."
"Men get a turn on from such revelations."
"Just tell him that you have someone already," I pressed on.
"Emma, it's just lunch. He didn't invite me on a date. It's a simple Barbeque he's holding among friends."
"Then go," I said without a smile.
She studied my face and waited. Then after we locked eyes and didn't say anything else, her phone rang again. I gently turned on my side and continued watching Supernatural without a word said. It was Mal and during her call, I got up and went to grab my towel. Stepping into the shower, the hot water was chosen whilst my hair was loosened. And shaking it out, I began to lather my skin and scrubbed until steam clouded the stall.
How did I feel about that sudden confession that he had asked her to lunch and she only told me just now? Kind of conflicted because like I said, she never hid stuff from me. But recently, she hid her father's sickness and death until I forced it out of her. She hid Larry's invite. And whatever else she had buried under there, it bruised me. I had never been in a relationship and I didn't know what to expect. But I knew for certain that things like that shouldn't be kept private. The fact that I knew now didn't make me feel better. I felt as if she didn't trust me or something.
Rinsing shampoo out my hair, a shadow moved behind my yellow Hello Kitty shower curtain. I stopped and waited.
"Hi?"
Turning to the wall, I continued what I was doing. "Yeah."
"So I'm going…"
I didn't answer, expecting her to just leave without confirmation. But little did I know, Regina lingered there waiting.
"Okay?"
I turned off the water and frowned. "What?" And my voice came out a bit harsh, sharp if you'd prefer. Her shadow swayed and somehow I could tell that she was gazing at me.
"I'm going."
"Then go," I said and turned on back the water. Capturing my hair to the back, I lifted my face and allowed the water to stream down.
"Emma," I could barely hear her voice, "are you okay?"
My eyes stung and I just didn't answer her. It was my mood. Knowing I was really moody because my period was like a week away, this always happened to me. The smallest things would make me get all emotional and want to cry. I'd suddenly curl up into a ball and empty my eyes out with no valid reason, except that someone had said something to affect me.
The sound of the curtain crackling from behind me. She just wouldn't give up.
"Sweetheart, are you okay?" her voice was hoarse and filled with emotion, worry.
"Just go," I said in a small voice, keeping my back to her, "have fun."
The crackle of the curtain sounded again and I continued to bathe, finding that tears stung my eyes. And for what reason? Simply because I felt really wrong about the past two days.
When I got out of the shower and stepped into the bedroom, there she was. Sitting upon the edge of the bed and staring at me with her huge brown eyes. A small pout and palms pressed upon the sheet. She was still wearing one of my faded blue jeans and a large red jersey with a smiley face on it. And I carefully avoided her and went to my wardrobe.
"Why aren't you dressed?" I wiped my face and slipped on a pair of red Hello Kitty underwear.
"Because I'm not going," her voice was stiff.
"Why?" I snatched out a red and blue plaid shirt and shrugged it on, bringing my hair to the front. A pair of black jeans went on next.
"Change of plans."
"What happened?"
"You," she croaked.
I couldn't help it. Turning to her, our eyes locked and Regina captivated me with a saddened look.
"Me?"
"Yes."
"He's your friend," I said, moving to my vanity and picking up the powder cushion. "Don't let me get in the way."
"He's not a friend in your mind at the moment, is he?" she watched me do everything without looking away. "You're conflicted. You have a right to be."
"Look," I was already growing frustrated, "just go out and have fun. You deserve it. Don't worry about me. After all, I just want to stay at home and read or something." Fixing my hair, I plugged in the hairdryer.
"Yes he has been flirting with me," she finally confessed with a nod because I could see her in the mirror in front of me. "But I have only seen him as a friend thus far. There is nothing that would suggest otherwise, as you know."
"He doesn't see you as a friend," I pointed out, blowing hot air into my hair.
She stared at me. "That doesn't make a difference."
"Yeah it does."
"No it doesn't. And for you to think otherwise is completely ludicrous. My heart, is set on you. Everything I do, or feel, it's solely attached to you. Emma, I work among men every single day," she gestured outside, eyes wide, "and nothing affects me. Even when they boldly make remarks that are out of context. For me to come home and relate every single flirtatious move to you, that would eventually become quite bothersome."
I didn't answer and continued drying my hair.
"You witnessed him flirting with me. You were aware of that already. I don't see the need to get upset over me not bringing forth the topic for discussion. Because it is ridiculous."
"I needed to at least hear you say something about it to me," I stated, with my back to her still.
"Well you found out eventually."
"That's hardly the point here," I turned to her, and stared back.
"Well, forgive me for being so considerate about your feelings."
"Just as you didn't tell me your father was sick," I pointed out. "And I had to find out by getting it out of you, by asking over and over again."
"It wasn't easy to bring up," she said hoarsely. "I didn't have time to hug you and cry from Saturday night onto Friday. Getting home, I wanted to be by myself and yesterday, I buried my anguished mind in meetings. It's my way of coping. You know this already. I don't know how to do this very well. I don't know how to express my feelings enough."
Turning the dryer onto HIGH, I continued to dry my hair and avoided her eyes. She sat there in silence and never moved. When I was done, I returned it upon the vanity and sprayed some Oil into my palms then gently massaged my scalp. After doing so, the comb was taken up and I began to untangle my blonde mess upon my head and around my shoulders.
"Do you want us to take a walk?" she suggested after like twenty minutes.
"Don't feel like," I said and began to aimlessly fix things. My necklaces were taken up and returned to the red jewel box mom had given me years ago.
"What do you want me to do then?" her voice was so hoarse, she pained my heart. "Do you want me remove myself from your apartment or do you want me to stay?"
Her words were so blunt, I was shocked. "Just go and hang with Larry because I don't want you to hold this against me for the rest of my life. At some point, you'll obviously claim that I don't want you to have friends or to hang without me." Tears clouded my eyes. "So go ahead and have fun. Like I've told you more than once before."
Taking up a pillow, I wiped my eyes, picked up a textbook Neal had lent me for fourth year Taxation. Then rummaging through my bag, I pulled out a notepad, a pen and my calculator. I walked right out the room.
What was wrong with me?
I don't know what was happening and somehow, my emotions were spiraling out of control. All of this sparked up just like that. After hearing about Larry asking her out and then being treated as if I wasn't worthy of hearing the truth. Trying to brush things off with the 'oh I'm just being considerate' line. I hated that. I really hated it because people always wanted to use that excuse with you. They always wanted to claim that it was in your best interest that the truth was hidden and I didn't like it. I wanted to know the truth. That was me.
Remembering that Killian had said coffee was a mood stabilizer or something like that, I made a cup and took it to the carpet in front of the telly. Then resting it upon the table, my books were placed before me and I checked my phone. Two new messages. A chain message from Ruby and a HAPPY SUNDAY from Neal. Shaking my head, I drew up a table and started to write in figures from a scenario in the textbook.
The patter of footsteps caught my attention and my eyes widened when she appeared. Coming towards me, Regina's face was really fixed with determination. There was no smile. Stooping, she snatched up my books and closed them. Then they were chucked onto the chair. Both my hands were taken and I was pulled up. In disbelief I stared at her because there was no idea in my mind what the heck she was doing.
I soon found out when I was dragged to the door and my brown boots were slid on. She zipped them up, tucked dark hair behind her ears and grabbed my yellow umbrella. Then tugging me out the door, I was led down the hallway.
Out on the street below, we didn't say a word to each other. There was a slight drizzle and she pushed open the umbrella. It was so sudden, you know? I was somewhat speechless. We ended up taking a slow walk up the block and turned into a café that was open. Men hid behind newspapers and the television was broadcasting a CBS special report on smuggled drugs. I followed her up to the cashier and she ordered two Mochas in tall brown cups, with cream at the top and chocolate sprinkles.
Sipping it, Regina took a hold of my shoulders and led me out and onto the street again. Very soon, still not a word was said and we ended up at Saint Teresa, a Roman Catholic church that mom frequented when she had come here to stay. It was a simple red clay brick structure. Very tall and amazing architecture. The huge cross outside was painted to perfection and the stained glass was so beautiful.
When we walked in, apparently the Sunday Mass had already ended and people had gone home. So the emptiness and silence provided such a wonderful feeling. She chose a wooden bench at the rightmost corner in the back and I slid in beside her. The few times I went there for a service, the priest met and took a liking to me. His name was Father Terry, a man with a long gray beard and very short in stature. Well shorter than me. So to glimpse him at the altar fixing something, I waved and he waved back.
"You're familiar with him?" she moved closer and our thighs pressed together. Regina sipped her Mocha and licked her lips.
"Yeah, he knows me from coming here a few times."
"That's good."
We sat in silence and I just felt at peace inside there. Like so relaxed. The silence was soothing and just staring up at the ceiling where there was a painting of Jesus was amazing.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked softly, her brown boot nudging mine. "Let me inside your head."
I shrugged. "I never told you but back home in Maine, my mom and dad grew up close to the church. We were always religiously inclined. And the priest back home adored me so he apparently made this fund where a few people pooled together money. And I was given a scholarship to come to university here."
"Really now?" she leaned in.
"Yeah, and I remembered mom telling me that when I got my first paycheck, I should give something to the church." My eyes remained on Father Terry.
"And did you?"
"I just asked Father Terry to get me a kid that couldn't afford textbooks or shoes or something to go to school from the church. And he found a six year old that lives in the projects. His name's Zachariah. He's so cute. He doesn't have parents and lives with his aunt who has five other kids. So Zach never gets anything really. And even though I had to save and pay for my apartment and textbooks and handouts and stuff, I bought him a pair of shoes and a backpack. And I helped him sign up into school. Plus, he calls me his big sister."
"Aww," Regina reached up and squeezed my shoulder, smiling at me with tears in her eyes. "Emma, that's so sweet of you."
"Yeah," I hung my head.
Taking a sip from the cup, I noticed Father Terry heading our way slowly and wondered what he'd think about my sexuality. Most obviously he'd disapprove. But my mother was religious and didn't disapprove so why should anyone else? Then again, everyone had their own opinions. But this was love, right? I loved her so much so why would God hate me? It wasn't a guilty feeling. It was a whole new happy feeling for me. One that made me feel so much better. And yeah the sex was awesome. But it's not like we focused on just that. There were so many other things in building our relationship. Like today.
We went through so many stuff. She had to work late. I was out with the guys sometimes. And yet, none of it bothered us because we learned to cope with that. Until today when basically hiding stuff from me threw us into a hurricane of feels.
But look what happened.
She didn't argue with me or accuse me of cutting into her life. Regina shut it down and brought me out. Can you understand how amazing that is? To have someone never choose to argue or shout at you but to just work so hard to find a way to make things right?
"Dearest Emma," Father Terry smiled warmly and I got up to hug him. My back was patted and I smelt his cologne, Old Spice. "How are we today?"
"Very well, thank you," I felt so warm hugging him already.
"You missed this morning's Mass." He didn't seem upset. "But you still managed to show up even afterwards. It's great to come in sometimes and spend some quiet time with God. How is your mother?"
"She's okay. She said to tell you hi."
"A cheerful woman, dedicated to her religion," he stated. His eyes turned upon Regina. "And you've brought someone, I see."
"Hi," she got up and shook his hand, "Regina Mills."
"Ah," his eyes lighted up, "the prior CEO of Dazzle and now the V.P of Flames." He winked. "I have subscriptions to both."
She laughed. "Very nice."
"I'd love to cancel from Dazzle but the darker themes in clothing seem to be my favored style. Flames is outstanding as well. Mally attends this same church on her good days."
"She's a mutual friend then," Regina smiled.
"So is our Emma," he squeezed my right shoulder. "Zach," he said softly, "came just this morning to service with his cousin Thomas. He was actually hoping to see you."
My eyes widened. "Really? Oh crap." I felt bad because I hadn't been around to see him in weeks. "The number I tried calling him at is disconnected."
"I'll get you a new one." Father Terry smiled. "The little boy is very happy every time your name is mentioned. I think he brought something for you today but didn't want to give me to keep it. He said that he wants to give you himself."
As always, tears came to my eyes every time I thought of him.
"Emma," he locked eyes with Regina, "is part of the God Brother, God Sister Committee in the church."
"So she was informing me." I felt her hand upon my lower back. "Quite a compassionate young woman she is."
"Very much so. Now if the two of you will excuse me, I need to see to the choir practicing in the Presbytery. Do come to Mass some days." He nodded at me and I hugged him. "Both of you, take care."
When he left, Regina began to walk along the aisles and study the paintings depicting the Stations of the Cross. Large paintings framed in polished oak. One by one they were each studied and I lingered behind because somehow something was holding me back. I soon found out what it was.
As we neared the back entrance, I caught a glimpse of someone standing just near the door. Then from his voice alone, even before Neal turned around, I smiled. Dressed in a long sleeved black shirt, he also had on a pair of black tailored pants. And a dark gray tie.
"Somehow I had a feeling you'd show your face," he came forward and hugged me. "Did you get my text?"
"Yeah, and as soon as I did, I figured that you probably came into church today, was washed over by the Holy Spirit and you texted me HAPPY SUNDAY." I laughed. He patted my back and gazed behind me.
"Someone's quite intrigued by the paintings, isn't she?"
Regina waved and he did too.
"Yep."
"Anyway, I've got to get a move on. I'm showing a house to a couple from L.A at one. So got to make preparations." He ruffled my hair and we bid our farewells.
From the minute Neal jogged down the stone steps and went out into the street, I heard the patter of footsteps.
"Emma! Emma!"
My heart practically did flip flops because I knew that voice so well. Spinning around on the spot, there he was! Zach's black plaits swung wildly as he ran to me, his little arms outstretched. And very soon, my legs were hugged and his small face peered up.
"Dude!" I stooped to his level and held his face between my hands, tears in my eyes. "We meet again!"
"Yes we meet!" My face was kissed and I noticed his Cousin Thomas beaming from a bench just where Regina had been. Now she slowly approached us, smiling. "Emma, I missed you so much! Guess what?"
"I missed you too," I hugged him tightly, "what's up?"
"I got a gold star in art, and I read my books and I love English and Math."
"A gold star?" my eyes widened. "Wow. What did you draw?"
"This," he pushed his small hand into his coat pocket, his tongue tucked sideways and pulled out a folded paper. "It's for you."
I took it and unfolded the paper. Regina came to stand behind me and to be truthful, I couldn't help it. Tears slid down my cheeks when I saw that he had drawn himself next to me. The heading was, 'Emma, the best big sister in the world'. My hair was colored with the brightest yellow crayon. I looked like the sun. And it was perfect. Hugging him, he never wanted to let go and I didn't let go. The kid probably didn't receive love and attention from anyone. And it hurt my heart to know that Zach was such a babe and he wasn't loved as much.
"Zach, this is Regina," I said, lifting him up as he played with my hair, "a very, very close friend."
"Hi, Regina," his little voice said cheerfully. A hand was outstretched. "Please to meet you."
"You are such a sweetheart," she said, reaching in and pressing a kiss onto his right cheek. "It's a pleasure to meet you too."
"I like your voice," he said, studying her face. "And your hair. And your eyes. And your very, very close friend." His fingers reached out and her face was touched. "Can I steal her?"
"Sure you can," Regina said, her eyes slightly damp.
"He made me wait," Thomas said, coming to stand next to us. "Somehow he knew you'd come."
Thomas was just around eighteen and already working and attending school. He wasn't Zach's relative by blood but the relationship as cousin had come naturally. He was also like a big brother to Zach.
"I tried calling but the phone's down," I told him.
"Yeah, Debbie had a fight and threw it out the window," he shrugged. Debbie was Zach's foster mother. "But I moved just next door to them. And I have a cell. Want that one?"
"Sure thing." I collected it and promised to call Zach every single week, two times.
Since they had to get back home, I made a note of taking him out for ice cream some time and they left. Clutching the drawing still, tears still clouded my eyes because I remembered how both his parents were killed in a gang raid just two years ago. Zach had been in the apartment. The lady Debbie who took him in wasn't even willing and she never treated him properly. But she didn't want to put him in the foster system, so I had some respect for that. Although to have Zach find new parents would be way better than living in the Projects.
"You're so good with kids," Regina said, wrapping an arm around my waist. We stepped down the stone staircase and lingered in the front garden of the church.
I smiled and toed the grass. "Which is why I want one someday."
"You already have a 26 year old kid who's going to study Law this September," she reminded me. I laughed. "As big as Chad is, he's a baby. And you're more than welcome to take him for ice cream."
"Yeah, true!" I fixed her hair and noted how dark the sky was getting. "What was it like though?"
"What was what like?" she frowned and we began to walk to the gates.
"Chad told me how you got him on your own, without the aid of a nurse or anything." My eyes were lowered. "Must have been hard."
"It was rather frightening, I'll admit that," Regina said softly, entwining our hands just as we were a good way from the church. "The pain was dreadful and he just wouldn't come out."
I snorted.
After realizing what she had said, her hoarse laughter soothed my heart.
"I was just around your age when I got him. And Robin couldn't care less. As I said before, both of them were slipups. But glorious ones. Robin never wanted kids. With me. He wanted other things."
"Bastard," I muttered.
"Yes. Bastard." She squeezed my fingers. "A hairy bastard."
"Eew," I scrunched up my face. "One of the reasons why I never wanted to be with a guy."
"The hairy dilemma?" Her face was turned to me.
"Yup. No hairy chests, thank you very much."
"It wasn't a…turn…off," she admitted. "For me, it was somewhat evident but tolerated."
"Blow jobs too?"
"No. No way," it was her turn to look scorned. "I was not prepared to go down there. Thank goodness Robin never asked and neither did the men I dated."
"Yuck," I felt somewhat nauseated from the thought. "I hang with the guys but…eew."
"The moment I realized that I was gay was the actual thought of a certain body fluid that made me wish to throw up."
I got the message loud and clear and felt my stomach turn. "But you actually…had two kids."
"If you wish to have a child, Emma, then you have to allow at some point, that particular…thing…to participate."
"No." I shook my head. "I'll find a magician and use magic."
"Oh?" she squeezed me closer, "both of us…combined. To produce an offspring?"
"Look, why not?" I turned to her and frowned. "Why do we need a man for that when we don't even want one to begin with? Why is it so freaking basic still? Can't they at least combine us somehow and make it happen?"
Regina studied my face with interest. "I am wondering the same thing. Are we speaking about fusing our eggs and then having it fertilized?"
I sighed, head lowered. "Sounds too farfetched to me."
"I wish I could manage the function of a male and have us produce a baby with black hair and emerald eyes. But thank goodness I do not have male genitals."
"Thank God," I said smiling. "But even if you were gifted with both, or you were born a guy, I'd still want you."
"In all respects?" she raised her eyebrows.
"Every single part of you."
She shrugged. "Perhaps we could find a donor with my shade of hair, and eyes. Or we can find a little version of us combined and adopt the sweet child."
"I just want part of you inside of me and any child I get, you know?" my heart ached. "I don't want you excluded."
"Then when the time comes," she stopped and took my face into her hands, "we'll find a way."
Just as we neared my apartment building, there was a guy parked on his motorbike outside. At first I thought it was Chad until the black helmet was lifted off and he shook out blonde hair. Piercing blue eyes stared at us. From the time we neared him and he kept on studying us, I knew something was going to happen.
Regina stopped and grew stiff within my grasp. I froze up, obviously expecting the worst. But he didn't attempt to pull out a gun or anything. He stared at her and something familiar passed inside his eyes.
"Regina." The way he pronounced her name, I detected his accent and held my breath.
"What…" she held my hand so tight, I stared from her to him in confusion. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm visiting mother. Taking pictures in New York." His blue eyes were wide and roamed her. "How are you, Regina?"
She inhaled.
"Who's this?" I asked in a low voice, her grip on me getting tighter.
"No one to bother about," she assured me. But I still wasn't satisfied.
"I am Sean," he stepped forward and offered me a hand unlike the usual French greetings. But somehow I didn't want a kiss on the cheek. "Sean Fontaine."
Her…ex?
Could this day just go normal?
Come on, dude! I just went to church for crying out loud! What was happening here!
Grabbing my hand, she pulled me after her and completely ignored him. Footsteps pounded behind us.
"Regina, I just want to know if it is true and if it happened!" he shouted.
"You need to leave," she said, her voice trembling and I was so torn between the two of them, I had no idea what to do or say. "Leave me alone. It's over."
The elevator button was pressed repeatedly by her. I was pulled in.
"The baby," he said when we stepped inside. Sean's blue eyes were huge. He clutched his helmet. "Regina, the baby. Did you…did you really lose our baby?"
My eyes grew huge and I think the blood rushed out of my head.
What the…
Xxx
A/N – Hope you liked it! REVIEW and let me know! Follow me on Twitter ( KarlieMaria) and Tumblr (karlitaswriter)!