IN THE SHADOW OF DEATH

CHAPTER 11

Fifteen days after he'd been wounded, Jess startled awake after a dream of flying through the air. Confused, he tried to sit up only to fall back onto the bed with a groan of pain. He clenched his right hand and held it to his chest. Something seemed to be ripping him apart from inside. He still hurt badly, but for the first time since he was shot, he was fully conscious of his situation and his surroundings. The dense fog that had enveloped him for the last two weeks was gone. He looked around, unsure of where he was. In the morning light, he saw the outline of his tall friend standing at the window looking outside. Slim had been awake all night, just as he had the all the other nights, keeping watch over Jess. He'd brought a cot into the room and dared to catch a few hours of sleep when he could. He heard Jess moaning and turned around with a jerk, feeling guilty that he'd been lost in his own thoughts instead of paying attention to the sick man. He quickly strode to Jess' bedside.

"Take it easy, partner!" he said, sitting down in the chair and putting his hand on Jess' unhurt shoulder to keep him still. "If you move you'll tear that wound open again." When he looked at Jess' eyes, he could tell he was finally aware of his surroundings, but he was struggling hard against the pain and helplessness of his wounded body. "You're going to be OK. Just try to lie still. I know you're hurting, but you're going to be alright."

"You really...believe that?" Jess groaned in disbelief. Lying still hurt as much as moving around.

"Sure I do. Don't you?"

"I don't know. I feel like I might'a died already…." The look he gave Slim was almost desperate. "Why won't you tell me what happened? Is it so bad you're afraid to tell me?"

Slim frowned as he considered what to do. Since Jess was more awake, knowing why he was hurting so bad might help him. He took a deep breath. "The bullet hit you in the left side of your chest just above your heart. It hit a rib. That kept it from going all the way through, but it shattered the rib. That's why it's hurting you so much to breathe."

"How about my arm? I can't move it."

"Doc Higgins has it wrapped up so you can't move it and break the wound open again."

Jess struggled to breathe, trying to understand what Slim said. "It sounds pretty...bad."

The rancher looked away, then looked back at Jess. As confidently as he could, he said, "Not that bad! You're going to be fine."

"Come on, Slim..." Jess insisted. "How bad...is it?"

"Even Doc Higgins doesn't know that."

"Maybe he ain't tellin' you everything he knows for a reason. Maybe there's no hope anyway…"

"Don't say that!" Slim snapped. "Don't even think it!"

"I've been coughin' up blood, right? And I can't breathe...without hurtin' like hell." He stopped to gather his strength. "Tell me what's goin' on! Are my lungs so... torn up that I can't make it….can't ever be well again…?"

Slim said, made a decision. "Alright," he said. "You've been coughing up blood. When you were first hit we didn't think you were going to make it. Don't ask me why you did. Dan said you wouldn't last the night - but you did. You've had a bad fever, and you've been in a hell of a lot of pain, but you've made it for two weeks, and now we're sitting here talking to each other. Dan still shakes his head every time he sees you."

"Why does Dan shake his head?" Jess asked quietly. Slim hadn't told him anything he didn't already suspect. "Because I'm still alive? Or because he thinks...I'm not going to be around much longer?"

"I don't know. I don't think he knows either. But I don't care what he thinks - and you shouldn't either. You've made it this far. And you're going to get well - no matter how many times Doc shakes his head or why he does it!"

"I wish I was as sure as you are," Jess said, his voice so low Slim could barely hear him. Then he looked up at Slim. "How did it happen?" His black eyebrows crinkled in pained confusion. "I...I..can't remember. I can't remember anything."

"Maybe you ought to be glad about that."

"Was it that bad?"

"Yeah, it was bad. But I don't think we ought to be talking about it now. You need to get some rest."

"I want to know, Slim. I got a right to know why I'm lying here in this bed."

Slim's mouth tightened, and he frowned. His guilt made this a very hard story for him to tell. But Jess was right. He needed to know what happened. And maybe it would help both of them to get it out in the open.

Jess saw his hesitation. "Just tell me the truth and don't lie to me. You know I know it when you do. You'd only be lyin' to yourself."

Slim was startled. Did Jess really remember what happened and was pretending he didn't? His partner often had a kind of second sight about things, but Slim wasn't ready to talk to him about how guilty he felt for not stopping the shooting. He wasn't even ready to admit it to himself.

"What's the last thing you remember?" he finally said.

Jess thought hard but couldn't remember anything. "I got no idea. Maybe you could...get me started.

"Alright. You went out to the north pasture to check on the fences. That was two weeks ago."

"Yeah!" Jess said. "It was on Monday. I left right after breakfast..."

"Good. What else?"

"It took me most of the morning to find the break. The fence was down for about thirty feet. I made a temporary fix and went to track down the cows that got out." He paused to catch his breath. "I found 'em the next morning in Windshaw Canyon. I got 'em herded up easy enough, then headed back home. But I don't remember gettin' here." Jess was frowning, thinking hard, and was starting to move around restlessly. "Did it...did it happen on the road?"

"No, not there - and don't move around! You got to keep that shoulder still!" Slim was beginning to feel uncomfortable himself. "It happened here...at the ranch, right out on...the porch."

Jess' frown deepened. "Here? On the porch?" That was the last thing he'd expected to hear. "I thought somebody ambushed me… What happened?" He was trying to sit up, agitated by the pain and the strain of the story but he fell back on the bed, groaning and biting his lip so hard it made it bleed. "Damn! This pain is drivin' me crazy!"

"I was afraid of this!" Slim said. "We need to talk about this when you're feeling better."

"No! I want to know! Please, Slim!"

The rancher sighed. Maybe Jess would be satisfied with the highlights and let the rest go. Slim described the invasion, how the two men held him and Daisy at gunpoint and how one of them shot Jess as he was coming into the house. Slim said he'd been knocked out and Daisy had fainted, and when they came to, the men were gone, and they'd found him on the living room floor, badly wounded.

"We got you into this bedroom, and I rode for Doc Higgins. You know the rest of it. You've made it through two weeks of hell, but now you're getting better. And you're going to get well," Slim ended, hoping this abbreviated version of what happened would satisfy his partner.

Jess was thoughtful. "What were those two guys after? Money?"

"No, nothing like that." Slim had a sinking feeling. Jess wasn't going to let it go.

"Why were they here, then?"

"They were waiting for somebody."

"Who?"

"A friend of theirs. They'd arranged to meet him here at noon."

"Here? Why here?"

"I don't know. Probably because relay stations are easy places to find - and far enough away from the law."

Jess was looking intently at him, sensing he was leaving a lot out. "Are you sure they weren't after me?"

"They didn't even know you."

"Why did they shoot me?" Jess stared hard at Slim. This story wasn't making sense.

Slim's face tensed with pain. This was the hardest part to talk about.

"There wasn't any reason, Jess," he said slowly. "No reason at all. You just came home at the wrong time. The guy named Hal said he was ...bored...and wanted to do some target practice." Tears were at the edge of Slim's eyes as he met Jess' incredulous look. "And you were there. And the worst thing is ...I didn't stop him." Now that he'd made this terrible confession, he felt compelled to get it all out. "The other man, the one called Ron, had a gun on me and on Daisy. He said if I warned you, he was going to shoot Daisy….that he was going to give me the 'pleasure' of watching my friend die. I tried to warn you but I ...waited ...until it was too late." Slim was staring doggedly at his hands, kneading them together. "When I yelled to warn you, Ron knocked me out. And Daisy fainted." He took a jerky breath. "Daisy came to first, then I woke up. The men were gone, and you…you… Oh, God, Jess!" he cried out, anguished. "I'm so sorry! I should have stopped it!" It was almost a sob. "At least I should have tried…" He dropped his head and ran his hand through his hair, unable to look at his friend.

Jess reached out grabbed his partner's arm, holding it tight. "Don't blame yourself, Slim," he said in a quiet voice. "It wasn't your fault."

"I should have stopped it!" Slim insisted, looking up at him. "I should have done something!"

"That ain't so! You would've put Daisy in danger. And I might not have understood you in time to do anything. It could've made it worse. They might'a killed all of us."

"I don't know... I just wish I could turn the clock back. I should've been the one to take that bullet. I waited too long. It was my fault. Nothing's going to change that."

"You got to quit feelin' like that! You couldn't of done anything else. They would've shot Daisy and you, too. And me. If I'd of been in your place, I'd of done the same thing. And if something had happened to you or Miss Daisy because of me, how do you think I would've felt? That would've been harder for me to live with than gettin' shot."

"I don't know," Slim said again. "The whole thing was just so pointless. He shot you out of boredom! For the fun of it! And I let it happen."

"You didn't let it happen, Slim! You got to know that." Jess was pleading with him. He looked into his partner's eyes, willing him to understand what he was trying to say. In that gaze, a kind of wordless communication flowed between them, the kind of communication only people who know each other inside and out and love each other can have. Slim's shoulders fell as he let out the breath he'd been holding. His guilt was eased, for the moment.

The moment was broken when Jess' face suddenly contorted as a dagger-like pain stabbed through his chest and took his breath away. Clenching his teeth to keep from screaming, he dug his right fist into his bandaged shoulder and jammed his head into the pillow beneath him. Slim leaned over him helplessly, looking as pained as Jess did. When the spasm passed, Jess groaned and slowly opened his eyes. "Don't worry…," he gasped in a hoarse voice that his partner barely recognized. "It's gone… It...wasn't that bad."

Slim grabbed a cool, wet cloth and gently ran it over Jess face and neck where sweat from his ordeal shone on his pale skin. "I think you should try to go back to sleep again. All this talking has been too much for you. I shouldn't have told you everything," Slim said regretfully. His guilt was back.

"It wouldn't of mattered when you told me… I just wonder... why it happened. Maybe he got me confused with somebody else…"

"I don't think so. Look, we need to stop talking…"

"Maybe my hand was too near my gun, and he thought I was goin' to draw on him. I rest my hand on the handle a lot."

"No, Jess! Your right hand was nowhere near your gun. You were reaching for the porch post like you always do. It didn't have anything to do with you at all. He just wanted to kill somebody - anybody. The only reason you're alive is because the gun's site was off and the bullet went high and to the right."

"How do you know so much about the gun?" Jess asked, wanting to keep talking.

Slim answered reluctantly. "When Mort went to look for them, he found the gunsmith that they got it from in Pine City. After they shot you and found out the site was off, the gang went back to harass him about it. Hal, the guy who shot you…" Slim had trouble even saying it, "...just used you for target practice to test his new Winchester."

"That's pretty hard to believe," Jess said after a long pause.

"Damn right it's hard to believe!" Slim exploded. This conversation was taking its toll on him. "Why you? He would have shot his own grandmother! Why did it have to be you?"

"Hey, partner...," Jess said. He was the one calming Slim down now. "Stop beatin' up on yourself. You need to get it through your thick skull you ain't guilty of anything. I've always expected somethin' like this to happen one day, ever since I first picked up a gun. I made a lot of enemies."

"Sure you have, but that's not why this happened!"

"It don't matter. The guy who did it might not of been after me but I know a dozen other men who were. I just always wanted it to be quick. The only thing I've been afraid is havin' to die slow because of a piece of lead. Maybe it would've been better if that guy's Winchester had aimed true."

"Knock it off, Jess!" Slim snapped at him. The hopeless sound in his partner's voice scared him.

Jess frowned, choking back a groan and his own sense of despair. After a while, he rasped. "OK. You're right. I shouldn't be complainin'. I ought to be happy I'm still alive."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"I know, but I can't pretend that I might not…" He couldn't finish the sentence because pain stole his breath away. He tried to fight it, clenching his jaw so he wouldn't scream. "Bloody hell!" he gritted out, "Why am I hurtin' like this?"

"You want me to give you some laudanum?"

"No!"

"I knew I shouldn't have started talking about this," Slim said, guilt consuming him in the face of Jess' agony.

"Not...your...fault. But you got ...to promise me... something."

"Sure! Anything!"

"It's Mike…"

Another bolt of anxiety hit Slim. He knew Jess was in no condition to learn that Mike had witnessed everything. Jess assumed he'd been in school that day.

"You got to promise...you'll take care of him...use my share of the ranch so he can get a good education. I want him to do more with his life...than I have. I want him to know...this will always...be his...home."

"Sure, I will. You know that."

"But you got to ...understand him…. Don't be too hard on him…. He's still just a young'un. Just don't let him...don't let him...learn to use a gun like me. I don't want him... to end up...like this. Please, Slim… You got to promise me!"

"Jess…"

"Please, Slim! If it ain't this time, it'll be another time. We should've talked about this a lot sooner."

"Maybe we didn't... because we didn't have to. We both took it for granted!" Slim said, his voice tight with fear and grief. Jess sounded like he was about to die in the next few minutes.

"You promise me, then?"

There were tears in Slim's eyes. "I promise, Jess. I'll make sure Mike is OK."

"Thank you!" Jess' breathing eased. Hearing it said out loud brought him relief. He knew what it was like to be a homeless boy.

Slim took a shaky breath. "I don't plan to have to keep that promise anytime soon. You've got to get well as soon as you can. Mike needs you."

"Nothin' I rather do," Jess said weakly. "I just...can't make that happen right now..."

Another spasm of pain shot through the wounded cowboy. He dug into the bandage on his chest like he was trying to tear it off. Slim grabbed his partner's hand and held it as Jess arched and screamed in agony. "I can't take this anymore," he panted after the spasm eased enough for him to be able to speak. "You still got some of that pain killer…?"

Slim had to free his hand from his partner's tight grip so he could dribble a few drops of laudanum into a glass. The rancher lifted Jess up with one arm and helped him drink. By the time the glass was finally empty, Jess was struggling hard to breathe. The wheezing turned into horrible coughing and gagging. Slim got behind him and held him upright to keep him from suffocating on the blood and mucus coming out of his lungs.

When coughing subsided, Jess lay exhausted on Slim's chest. Slim shifted aside a little so he could adjust the pillow then gently let him slide down to the bed. He once more wiped the sweat and mucus from his friend's face and pulled the covers up to his chin.

Jess was still gasping, but his eyes were clear. He even tried to give Slim a weak smile. "Thanks, partner."

"No more talking!" Slim ordered. "Let that laudanum do its job."

"I don't want to get used to that stuff," Jess whispered.

"Does that mean you're not going to take it anymore?"

Jess shook his head. Now it seemed silly that he'd refused it for so long; the pain was already easing. "Sorry to be so much trouble."

"You got nothing to be sorry about with me. I wish I could do more."

"You're doin' more than you know just by being here." Jess was floating off, but there were things he still wanted to say, and the laudanum was freeing him up to say them. "Death's in this room, too," he murmured. "I can't blame you for lyin' to me about it. I just don't want you...to lie to yourself. It's a good thing death's got more respect for you than he has for me. He would have taken me away if it hadn't of been for you…."

"Stop talking like that, Jess. You're the one doing the fighting."

Jess didn't bother to respond. There was no point in arguing about it. He knew the truth. Instead, he asked for a drink of water, suddenly aware of an overpowering thirst. Slim got it for him and helped him slowly get it down.

"Thanks, Slim," Jess said when the glass was finally empty. "Thanks," he repeated groggily, "for everything...not just for the last two weeks...for everything you've done for me since I met you."

"That goes both ways," Slim said, wishing Jess would quit talking like he was about to die.

"You gave me a family again," Jess said, fighting sleep. He didn't know if he'd wake up from the dose of laudanum he'd taken and there were things he had to make sure Slim knew. "A place I belonged. Home..." His tired face softened, showing the gentle core that lay beneath the sometimes tough exterior. "That's what I want for Mike…"

Slim fought back the lump in his throat. "He'll always have that, Jess."

"You got to help him stay on the right track. He might not have as much luck as I did…"

It was getting harder for him to speak.

Slim didn't voice the objections he felt to the way Jess was talking. Instead, he said, "Just take it easy, partner, and go to sleep. Everything is going to be alright. I'll pull the curtains closed."

"Nah, don't do that. I like...to see the sunlight coming in. Just hang around, OK? I feel better...if you're here."

"Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere," the rancher promised.

Slim sat beside Jess until his partner's eyes closed. After a few reflexive gasps, the wounded man's breathing slowed, his features gradually relaxed and he slept.

When he was sure Jess was deeply asleep, Slim stood up, stretching backward to unwind his cramped muscles. He walked to the door and stood in the opening, leaning against the frame as he thoughtfully rubbed his unshaven chin.

Daisy came into the living room to set the table for breakfast. When she saw Slim, she hurried over to him.

"How is he?" she asked.

"Sleeping.'

"Slim! I heard him cry out! I want to know the truth. How is he really doing?"

"He woke up and was more clear headed than he's been before. We had a long talk, too long maybe. He started having terrible pain. Then one those coughing attacks hit him. He even asked for laudanum, and I gave it to him. That's why he's sleeping now." Slim's face was tight again. "I wish I could do more for him."

"You do more than you think."

"That's what he wants me to believe. But he's he knows he's in bad shape."

"What do you mean?"

"He made me promise to look after Mike if he...doesn't make it."

"Oh, Slim!" Daisy said, wringing her hands.

"He sounded so hopeless, Daisy. Like he thought he was going to go to sleep and never wake up. And he wanted to know everything that happened. Maybe that was too much for him. The only thing he didn't ask about was Mike. He thinks Mike was at school."

"That's probably for the best. Did he ask how serious the wound is?"

"He knows what Doc Higgins said. I told him the truth. He has the right to know, and he wouldn't have believed anything but the truth anyway."

"If he knows everything, it's no wonder he's worried about Mike's future. I'm glad he could talk to you about him. That must have been a comfort to him."

"Yeah…," Slim's face crumpled with grief, "...but he said he didn't want to be helpless and die slow. He sounded like...like he was more willing to die than to live. He scared me."

"You mustn't give up hope! Jess has been through so much. Give him time. And when he loses hope, we must hope for him all the more!"

"I want to do that…." Jess' scream was still sounding in Slim's ears.

Daisy put her hand on his arm. "You need time, too. We all do. Jess knows Mike needs him and because that boy needs him, Jess will fight for his life even when a part of him wants to give up. You just wait," she said, sounding more confident than she felt, "you'll see that I'm right."

"I hope so." His voice was grim. Then he looked around. "Speaking of Mike...where is he?"

"He got up early for once. He's out feeding the chickens and collecting the eggs."

"I don't want him in there with Jess when he comes inside. Jess might wake up at any time. Seeing Mike right might be too much for him.'

"Don't worry," Daisy said. "I deal with him. I don't think he would want to see Jess if he thought it could harm him."

END OF CHAPTER 11