Chapter 11

Stef walked along the beach, her flip flops in her hand, her jeans rolled up, the water lapping at her feet. She'd wanted some alone time. She had to think. Try and clear her mind. Her visits with Ciccotelli were opening wounds that she had long thought were closed.

"Hey Stef," Stef turned towards the voice and saw Tess, she didn't smile.

"Hi,"

"How are you?"

"I'm fine thank you, settling in?" Stef said, as Tess walked towards her.

"Yes, it's great to be back. I love this beach. One of the things I missed."

"Don't get beaches on the East Coast."

"Well yeah we did but the weather wasn't this good." Tess said, looking at Stef.

"I suppose not." Stef said,

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Stef said,

"Why did you dumb me in high school," Tess said

Stef turned and sat down, letting her feet stay in the water as the tide was going out. Tess joined her. Stef wanted to laugh but knew she couldn't.

"Do you remember that evening my dad came home and found us on the couch together, cuddling?" Stef said slowly.

"Yeah, he asked me to leave," Tess said,

"It was because I had romantic feelings for you," Stef took a deep breath, Tess remained silent. "When you left, my father yelled at me, sent me to church to get…get my head on straight as it were."

"If you had those feelings in high school then why did you marry Mike?" Tess asked.

"Because I thought I had too, it was a shotgun wedding."

"You were pregnant?" Tess said.

"Yes, with Brandon," Stef said slowly. "I thought it was the right thing to do."

"You left Mike for Lena?" Tess said,

Stef turned, looking at her former best friend.

"No I didn't. when I meet Lena I was separated from Mike. Lena just helped me so who I was. Meeting her changed my life."

"And you divorced Mike."

"What is it with you and Mike. You don't even know him. Stef snapped. It was so unlike her.

"I just feel for him,"

"Why?" Stef said. "Because I'm gay."

"Well. Yes." Tess said slowly.

Stef got up. shaking her head. she dropped her flip flops. She walked away. Her head spinning. She got into the car. Tess's words rang in her ears. Tess had used the same words as her father. It was time she went home.

Stef lay on the bed, her hand thrown over her forehead, listening to the shower. She'd had a lovely evening with her family. But she'd still avoided her wife. she heard the water shut off and Lena walked into the bedroom wrapped in a soft blue towel. Her hair up on her head. Stef turned her head, looking at her wife.

"Wow,"

"What?" Lena asked, smiling.

"You're so sexy."

"I'm in a towel."

"Yes, and only you can make it sexy."

"What's on your mind?" Lena said walking over to the bed, she walked around and sat on Stef's side of the bed, leaning over Stef.

"When I went to the beach after Ciccotelli and Tess was there."

"Oh," Lena said,

"She said something, the same thing my dad said."

"What was that?" Lena asked, her brown eyes searching her wife's hazel ones.

"That I left Mike for you," Stef said.

Lena reached out and ran her finger through Stef's short messy hair. She moved forward. Capturing her wife's lips in a quick kiss.

"We both know you didn't."

Stef reached up, gently running her fingers down her wife's silky skin of her face.

"I divorced him, because I discovered who I was. I worked out who I belonged with."

"And who is that?" Lena asked, her voice soft. Flirting softly with her wife.

Stef smiled,

"You," Stef pulled Lena down and kissed her wife softly. her hands on wife's face, holding her in place. Lena pulled back.

"You're my wife, my lover, my best friend." Lena said, "You didn't leave Mike for me, I just helped you discover who you are."

"I'm glad it as with you." Stef replied. "I'm sorry,"

"For what?"

"Not being here the last week."

"You're processing so much. What do you want?" Lena asked softly.

"To stop thinking I need to be fixed. To stop thinking I'm living a life that's wrong."

"Nothing we do is wrong."

Lena moved, getting dressed. Stef remained silent watching her wife getting into her tank top and shorts before getting into bed next to Stef, she propped herself up on her hand,

"I would like to make something clear." Stef said slowly,

"what is it?" Lena said, reaching her other hand out and rubbing her hand long her wife's stomach.

"My feelings for you, are not wrong. They don't need to be fixed. I know I love you. I've always loved you. I fell in love with you the moment I met you. Which is corny I know. You've made my life so much better." Tears filled Stef's eyes.

Lena moved forward and kissed her wife's lips.

"I've never doubted your love for me. I've always felt it. in every touch, in every kiss, in every night we've spent together. I've never felt more loved."

"All I've wanted is to give you the life you wanted."

"I've got everything, we have six amazing children, a lovely home, a job I'm good at but I have the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. You've given me more than I could ever have wanted."

"I love you Lena, so much."

"I love you too," Lena smiled, resting her head against her wife's shoulder. Stef simply kissed her forehead three times. Both of them settling down to sleep.

They walked into Ciccotelli's office, together, holding hands. They sat down and looked at the woman trying to help Stef.

"How are you feeling Stefanie?" Ciccotelli asked.

"Confused," Stef confessed.

Lena rubbed her wife's arm.

"Why are you confused?"

"People keep saying that I left Mike for Lena."

"I thought only your father said that."

"After we meet last week I went to the beach and Tess was there. She said it too."

"Do you feel like you left Mike for Lena?"

"No, no I didn't" Stef said. "I was already separated from Mike when I went looking for a school."

"Is that how you meet Lena?"

"Yes, we've talked about that." Stef said,

Lena smiled.

"Stef," Lena said softly.

"I told her the first time we meet."

"She knows that, please don't snap at her."

"She makes me angry." Stef said

Lena looked at Ciccotelli. She simply smiled.

"It's my job to get you to open up."

"You're just making me angry." Stef said,

"I don't mean to make you angry." Ciccotelli said,

"I didn't leave Mike for Lena. I left Mike because I didn't love him and I am gay. I'm a lesbian. Mine and Mike's marriage was over. It had been for years. I shouldn't have married him. I shouldn't have broken his heart."

"You have so much guilt."

"I hurt him." Stef said. "I did that. I chose to have sex with him. I chose to have Brandon. I chose to marry a man I knew I couldn't love. I did everything I was supposed to do. I shouldn't have married him. I don't regret my son. But his father. I hurt him so deeply. I broke his heart, I am one of the reason he drinks."

"No," Lena said.

"God Lena, you know it, I know it, even Brandon does. I'm guilty. My son sometimes looks at me with such heart break. I did that too him." Stef got up, needing to move.

Lena watched her wife. her own heart breaking.

There was silence in the room. All eyes were on Stef. Lena wanted to hold her, make things go away, make her pain disappear.

"I hurt so many people and all I was doing was hiding. Hiding who I am. I mean I broke my friendship with Tess, because I was sexual attracted to her. I broke a good man's heart because I thought I had to marry the father of my baby. I've hurt too many." Stef said, tears slowly running down her face.

"You didn't just hurt other people." Ciccotelli said.

"What do you mean?" Stef said,

"You've hurt yourself."

"I'm not important." Stef said off hand.

Lena went to say something but Ciccotelli held her hand up,

"Why do you say that?" She asked softly.

"I'm not. I'm the one that has caused so many people so much pain, my father, Tess, my mother, Mike, Brandon, I've properly fucked up Callie, Jude, Jesus and Mariana. Frankie can't be messed up yet she's only four months."

"Stefanie please sit down."

Stef moved sitting down next to her wife.

"You're important," Lena said, softly. Her voice breaking.

"I'm not, Goodness, I've hurt everyone. I can't do anything right." Stef wiped her eyes.

Lena wanted to say something, but Ciccotelli spoke before she could.

"You're very important. You're a good Mom, you're bring up six children that love you. You've got a wife that loves you, you protect and serve in your job as a police office. You do more right than you think." Ciccotelli said.

"You are so loved." Lena said, she reached up and made her wife look at her, their eyes locked.

Ciccotelli took notes.

"You sometimes don't see it." Lena said her fingers playing with Stef's blonde hair, "Our kids love you, you father did love you, your mother loves you but most of all I love you. You and I are doing our best to raise our kids. You're the most important person in my life. For all these years I've loved you, I will always love you. You're my best friend."

"I don't deserve your love." Stef said crying softly.

"What makes you say that?" Ciccotelli asked,

"Have you seen her," Stef turned her head to look at the doctor. "She could have her pick of women, she has always known who she was. she's attractive, she's got a body to die for. She's sexy, intelligent, caring, compassionate, loving,"

"All those words could be said about you," Lena said,
Stef looked at her wife,

"Really?"

"Yes, you're a remarkable woman."

"Our time is up." Ciccotelli said slowly. "I will see you both next week."

"Sure, thank you," Lena said, she took her wife's hand, and they left. Stef wrapped her fingers around her wife's hand. needing the comfort of her wife. silently they made their way to the car.