CHAPTER 11
Quil went home and immediately called Jacob knowing that with the time difference it was already evening in France and not wanting to wait until the next day to call. They needed to figure things out now. He laid it all out there for Jacob. Everything. Claire and Bennett's relationship, Bennett's biological father being Quil's dad, even that he had almost hooked up with Leah and that Claire had been saving herself for him.
"Wow." was all that Jake had said when Quil had finished explaining the entire story to him. "How did you let everything get so screwed, Quil?" he asked.
"I will pay you if you can tell me exactly where I want wrong and how to fix it." Quil told him desperately.
"Well for starters, hooking up with Leah? Yeah I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole." He responded.
Quil just groaned loudly, "Don't remind me. It was just so stupid!"
"Well…. I dunno …. I mean it was a TERRIBLE idea, but I get it. If Nessie ever left me-" Jacob cut off sounding choked, the idea was clearly too painful to even talk about.
"I know. Welcome to my personal hell. Four months, Jake. Four months without her. Of course, I was stupid enough to do something like having sex with Leah." Quil said, knowing that Jacob was probably the only one who could actually understand.
"Nah, it's not the same. You're not there yet." Jacob responded easily.
"What do you mean?" asked Quil confused.
"You. You're not there yet. With Claire. It wouldn't be the same as if Nessie left me."
Quil was stunned, sure Claire and he weren't married with five freaking kids like Jake and Renesme, but other than that how were they any different?
"What do you mean? She's my imprint, same as you with Renesme." He said trying to be reasonable but not appreciating Jacob belittling his pain.
"Ha!" Jacob actually laughed. "Renesme and I have been married for ten years, Quil. You don't think my love for her as grown? Changed, and developed over the years? What, you think that there is just one imprinted love and that that's it? You honestly think that the way you loved Claire when you first imprinted on her at two is still the same as the way you love her today? Or in ten years?"
Quil was in shock. He had honestly never thought of it that way. She was his imprint and he loved her, that was they way he had always seen it. Looking at it more intensely for the first time possibly ever, he realized that he did love Claire differently, if not more, than he had when she was two. He thought about the way that Bennett had loved Claire; so sharply, so specifically. He suddenly realized that that was the way she needed to be loved, deserved to be loved, by the person she was going to be with. No wonder his love for her had no longer been enough for her.
"Trust me, one day you will be truly in love with Claire -not just love her, not just need her as your imprint- truly, deeply love her until you can't breathe. And then, then if she left you, if she truly rejected you, that would be your hell. This was just a phase, Quil. A bump in her road to finding that she needs you too." Jacob said. He said it like a simple fact, not like he was trying to make him feel better.
"Yeah…" said Quil stunned, "I hope I never have to find out if her leaving gets worse."
"You won't, trust me. She just got a four-month taste of knowing what life was like without you, and now she doesn't have her boyfriend to distract her from her feelings of separation. She won't push you away now." Said Jacob confidently.
"Jake, how are you such an expert in imprinted relationships?" Quil asked honestly, "I technically imprinted on Claire before you imprinted on Nessie."
Jacob laughed for a full minute before he said, "You think your situation is bad? I went through every one of these phases you and Claire are going through with Nessie, just in hyper-speed. Yeah it sucks that Claire's boyfriend turned out to be a werewolf, but you try explaining to a three-year-old with the growth of a fourteen-year-old that you had been in love with her mom for three years and fought for her and her love until the day that she was born, but that you hope she'll get past it and still want to be with you one day!"
"Oh yikes."
His situation suddenly didn't seem quite so dramatic or unique.
"Yup. So, what are we going to do about this new wolf?" Jacob asked, already back to business.
The phone call had lasted for hours. Ultimately it was decided that Jacob wouldn't come, Quil was just going to have to suck it up and deal with Bennett as the default-Alpha. Jacob had checked flights, but he couldn't get one until Wednesday and that flight only went to L.A. and then he would have to connect to a flight to Seattle. By the time he got there it would be Thursday and it was currently Saturday. And because Renesme couldn't come with him since they hadn't ruled out the possibly that she was setting off the wolf gene, Jacob wasn't willing to be away from her and the kids for more than a week, even if she did have an entire house full of bloodsuckers to help her with them. It just made no sense for Jake to come. He would probably spend more time on planes then anything else, besides they couldn't just leave Bennett with no training until Thursday, and what were they going to do when Jake left again? So reluctantly, Quil took on the responsibility of Bennett Callahan.
"Ask Sam for tips." Jacob had suggested. "He trained way more new wolves than I ever did, besides he whipped us into shape pretty good."
"Naw, that was all just raw, natural, wolf ability." Quil joked with him.
They finally hung up after Jacob had wished Quil good luck. Quil looked at the clock and realized that he only had an hour to go see Claire if he was going to see her before he switched Leah (who had been with Bennett for almost twenty-four hours at this point.) and take Bennett on his very first patrol run.
He just ran to Claire's house instead of driving so he could leave strait from there to his patrol with Bennett without having to deal with his car. He made it in about two minutes. He had gotten his running stride down over the past few months and he was feeling excited about getting to be with Claire again, even if she was still upset with him, and it put some extra pep in his step. He felt strange when he got to the front door. Did he knock? He had never knocked in the past, he was there too frequently and besides everyone had always viewed him as just a part of the family. But it had been months since he had been there, and he didn't even know how the members of Claire's family viewed him now.
In the end he had settled for a light knock on the door as he opened it. As he made it into the house Jamie came running at him yelling, "Quil!"
"Hey bud! Long time no see, whoa you have gotten so big! When did that happen?" Quil asked him while Jamie hugged his legs tighter than Quil would have thought possible.
"When I turned five." Jamie answered simply.
"When you turned five… that makes sense." Quil said, figuring he couldn't argue with that logic. "Where is everyone else?"
Quil couldn't see anybody but Jamie downstairs and it was the time of day where there was usually a lot happening. Even if only dinner was being cooked in the kitchen, it seemed like the whole family congregated there.
Jamie shrugged and said, "Mom and Dad said they had to do something 'important' today." -he actually used air quotes around the word 'important'- "Rachel has been upstairs with Claire ALL day. She said Claire wasn't feeling well and to leave her alone. But come on let's go find 'em!" he said grabbing Quil's hand and pulling him toward the stairs.
Quil was suddenly nervous. He didn't like the way that that sounded. Claire had been upset when he had dropped her off and it sounded like it hadn't gotten better from there. He followed Jamie up the stairs though and was surprised when he just threw open Claire's bedroom door as he ran in yelling,
"Claire! Guess who is here!"
Claire was sitting in her desk chair and Rachel was standing behind her and appeared to be just finished doing Claire's hair into two long braids. They looked like they had been having a serious conversation, and Claire had been wiping a tear from her eye when Jamie walked in with Quil following slowly behind him. She seemed to be trying to hide her emotions for Jamie when she sniffed quickly and brightened her face to ask, "Who Jamie!?" as if she was excited.
"Quil is here! Now we can finally go get ice cream with Bennett! Rocky road, remember?" he said excitedly.
Claire couldn't seem to help the look of shock and hurt that splashed across her face before she quickly turned to Rachel for help. She looked as if Jamie had slapped her, but Quil was surprised to see Claire turn to Rachel for help. That was new. They had never even gotten along before. Rachel quickly said,
"Come on, Jamie, let's go downstairs. I think we have some rocky road in the freezer."
"Yes!" Jamie said, as if he had just won the lottery.
Rachel quickly grabbed his hand to take him out but said, "Hey Quil." In what he could only describe as a sarcastic tone as she walked past.
"Quil, are you coming!?" Jamie asked eagerly.
"I'll be there in a bit, okay bud? Save me some rocky road." Quil told him so he would leave with Rachel as she walked out the door.
"Can I come in?" he asked Claire even though he was already in and Rachel had closed the door behind her.
"Sure." She said with a sniff. She still hadn't looked at him yet.
Quil tried not to think about the last time he had been in there as he went and sat on Claire's bed across from her.
"I like the hair. It's very Million Dollar Baby." He told her as he noticed that she was wearing a pair of sweats with a Nike work out tank top he didn't think he had ever seen before.
She gave a little laugh and said, "Yeah, they're called boxer braids…. that's probably why. Rachel's been helping me a lot with my hair since, you know, I can't do much without the arm." She explained to him.
"That's nice of her. You seem like you are a lot closer to her than you used to be." Quil noted.
"Yeah, Rachel has been great. I don't think I ever gave her the credit she was due before." Claire told him while finally looking at him for the first time.
Credit for what? Quil thought critically to himself.
"And what's with this?" he teased, pulling on the hem of her highlighter yellow tank top. She jumped a little like she wasn't expecting him to touch her as his fingers brushed the skin of her waist. "Are you planning on going for a run or just using your cast for an actual boxing match?"
She looked at him a little critically before she said, "No, but it has a built in running bra and I can actually put it on by myself."
He was a little surprised that she had shared this detail with him, but he suddenly realized that with just her one hand she probably wasn't even able to take her own bra on or off without help.
"That must be frustrating not being able to do all the things you used to be able to do by yourself." He said reasonably, knowing how much she valued her independence.
She shrugged and said simply, "Rachel has been really helpful, she's always there if I need her help."
He hated that she was using that to describe someone else. She used to describe him that way. He always wanted to be that person for her.
"Yeah, Rachel didn't seem too happy to see me just now." He pointed out good-naturedly.
"Yeah, she's not your biggest fan right now…. Or Leah's." Claire said pointedly.
Oh! So, Claire had told Rachel what had happened. That explained Rachel's cold greeting, not that Quil cared. He felt that that was Claire's prerogative, but was still surprised that she had told her sister about it instead of internalizing it like he thought she would have done six months earlier.
"Oh…. Claire, I really am sorry. I had no idea you were saving yourself for me-" He began but she held up her hand to keep him from continuing.
"Quil, I really don't want to talk about it anymore. Honestly, I don't think there is anything you could say that would make me feel better about it." She had been looking at him but looked away for a second before quickly turning back sharply and giving him a pointed look as she said, "I wasn't saving myself for you."
He just gave her a confused look. Hadn't she said…?
"I wasn't waiting for you specifically. We had talked about it and we decided we wanted to wait another year. At the time it seemed like a good idea, especially for me because I wasn't sure where you played into my life….in my future…if we were supposed to be together it seemed like maybe I should wait for you….. but now…." She trailed off.
Quil's head was spinning, there was so much upsetting information in that one blurb she had just given him that he didn't even know what to focus on first. She had planned on being with him for another year!? They had talked about having sex, not just it might-have/could-have happened, they had actually talked about it? She regretted not giving her virginity to Bennett while she had the chance? She didn't think that she was ever supposed to be with him anymore?
It got a little awkward as he sat there silently processing all of that. Finally, he said, "I didn't know you thought about all that." like it was an explanation.
"What? Sex?" she asked.
"No. Well yes. Sex, the future, our future, all of it." He explained
"Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?" she asked him puzzled.
"I dunno…" he said truthfully. If he was being honest with himself it was because he never really thought about that stuff. "I guess because you are just young, you have so much time to figure all of that out."
She laughed. It was the first time he had heard her laugh in four months and he soaked up the sound of it as much as he could, trying to keep it for memory.
"Are you serious?" she asked him.
"Yeah." He answered seriously.
"Quil, how old were you when you lost your virginity?" she asked skeptically.
He suddenly squirmed uncomfortably, but they had been completely honest with each other today and it wasn't a good idea to start lying to her now.
"Sixteen." He said begrudgingly and not looking at her.
"That's what I thought, and how many girls did you have sex with before you met me?" she asked proving a point.
Yeah, there was no way that he was going to tell her that. He had been seventeen and thought that life had no consequences when he had turned into a wolf and within four months had the body of a ripped twenty-five-year-old man. You could get a lot of tail like that and it wasn't something he was proud of or wanted anyone, especially Claire, to know about.
She could tell he wasn't going to answer so she moved on to,
"What do you think I'll be doing in two years?"
"Um finishing high school." He answered glad that she was moving on from the subject of his sexual history.
"Yeah, and what happens after that?" she asked like she was waiting for him to understand her point.
"You go to college?" he asked suggestively.
"Yes, exactly. And what are you going to do when I go away to college? Hmm? You going to come over and hang out with Jamie?" She asked.
"No, I'll go with you, of course."
He could never be away from her, he had always known that but the past few months had proven it as fact to him.
"You'll go with me? Okay, in what capacity? Are you going to get your own apartment on campus? Are we going to live together? Are we going to be together? Are we going to get married first or are we just going to shack up together? Have you ever thought about any of that?" she asked him shrewdly.
He hadn't thought about any of it. He hadn't ever thought past her not going away somewhere without him.
"I guess I never really thought about it." He admitted to her.
"Well I have! I have two years to figure out what capacity I want you in my life before I leave for college. Do you think I want you to live across the hall from me if I decide to date around in college? I could never bring guys home, it would be super weird. And if I hadn't already thought about when I wanted to lose my virginity, I would have already lost it."
He literally shuttered at the idea of her bringing guys home, and the thought of her potentially having already lost her virginity was deeply upsetting to him, even though he knew that that wasn't fair. He had never expected her to wait for him, he had never actually thought about it at all before today.
"I'm sorry, Claire. I guess I really dropped the ball on thinking about the future, especially your future, it's just all moving a little fast for me." He apologized honestly.
He was surprised when she scoffed at him. She was being unusually angsty tonight but then he figured that with everything he had put her through in the last twenty-four hours she had a right to be.
"What?" he asked confused.
"You have had fourteen years of time to ease into it. And you didn't seem to have any problem moving too quickly with Leah last night." She snapped a bit at him.
"Ouch." He replied, he felt like she had slapped him with those words.
"You know what, Quil?" she began suddenly, "Maybe the truth is, I'm just not your type, maybe we just really aren't good for each other that way." She paused for a second before she continued, "We clearly don't have a problem with being physical with other people besides each other, and we don't know why the wolves imprint in the first place. Maybe it is all about wolf genes and babies. That has never seemed super important to you and besides, if that's what you want, some other girl can give you babies. Maybe the truth is, just because you imprinted on me doesn't mean we should actually be together. I think maybe I have always put way too much stock in the power of imprinting and that that was supposed to mean that we were meant to be together." She finished simply and then looked up at him.
He hated that she was doing this. That she was reasoning herself away from him. That she thought that the only component of their relationship was genetic. That she was pushing him away again and picturing their futures without each other in them. He tried to phrase things as best as he could while still communicating to her the importance of it as he told her intensely,
"The reason I have never been in to you, Claire, is that you are half my age, not because you aren't my type. Trust me when I say that's not true. There was a reason I tried to kiss you here four months ago. It was because I couldn't get the way you had kissed me out of my head! It was like this taste of potential, and I had to have more of it, no matter how much I knew it was a bad idea. What I did last night with Leah was incredibly stupid, I know that. But I was in …...PAIN, Claire. Without you in my life, I'm in pain. I have no future without you. Not with Leah, not with anyone. I need you. That is why I imprinted on you. I don't need you because I imprinted on you. I imprinted on you because I need you!" he finished with a huff.
He was getting more upset with each word. How could she think they weren't meant to be together? That they weren't soulmates? That they weren't perfect for each other in every way? Sure, he had been behind when it came to thinking about it, but as soon as he finally did, it was all obvious to him they were supposed to be together. As soon as she was ready, they were supposed to be together. She was staring at him with tears in her eyes looking a little shocked at his declaration. He was breathing as hard as if he had just run his standard twenty-mile run in a sprint.
They both jumped when they heard Leah's impatient howl call to him through the night. He was supposed to have switched her already.
"Dammit! -I have to go, Claire."
But then he worried from the look on her face that she thought he meant he had to go because Leah had called to him and explained, "I'm supposed to take Bennett on his first run. It's my job to train him. Jacob can't come back and do it. I already asked him."
He sat there for another second with his face in his hands, knowing that he had to leave, that he had responsibilities to meet, and a freaked-out kid that needed instructions on how to handle the next foreseeable future. But he just sat there afraid that if he left she would go back to thinking all the doubtful thoughts she had confessed to him.
"Look Claire, I know you're hurting over Bennett. I know that, and I know that I am what is standing in the way of you getting to be with him. And I know that it will take some time for you to get over what I did with Leah. But I'm not going anywhere. And I know that one day, when your heart isn't broken anymore, I will be here, and I will still want to be with you. So, just until then, don't give up on me. Alright?" he asked her intensely as he looked up at her so that he could stare into her light brown eyes as he said it.
"Alright." She agreed in a soft, quiet voice.
Satisfied, he finally stood up to leave. He was half-way to the door when he stopped. He needed to give her a reason to wait. A reason to keep hope and believe that despite the fact that everything was so screwed up today, that there would be a day when nothing made more sense than the two of them being together. He turned back around to her still sitting in the desk chair looking a little dazed. He quickly closed the gap between them, bent down to her while grabbing the uninjured left side of her face in his too big hand and kissed her.
He had just meant to come in with a quick, hard kiss that would remind her of why he was there. But then his lips found hers and suddenly he felt frozen and locked there the same way that he had felt the very first time she had surprised him with a kiss. Like he was melted to her. And then, then she had responded to him.
She kissed him back intensely, parting his lips with her own. He was a little shocked when he felt her tongue taste his bottom lip as her lips moved with his in what he could only describe as a sensation that was brand-new and yet felt completely familiar. It took him less than a single second to adjust before his lips took back the control she had shocked out of him and his mouth started moving more purposefully against hers to taste the sweet inside of her lips.
The night before, he had kissed Leah with all of the energy and enthusiasm he had, and it had felt good in a base sort of way. But it had nothing on this kiss. Kissing Claire made him feel like he was being baptized by fire and coming home to a plate of warm cookies at the same time. Suddenly, he knew that for as long as he lived he never wanted to kiss another woman again. It could never even come close in comparison to kissing Claire anyways.
He felt the passion burn between them for a few more moments as he continued to kiss her. Felt all of the potential for a future together; for the type of love that Jacob had said they were capable of having. He could literally taste it. Claire tasted like a somehow amazingly fresh combination of spearmint, sea salt, and chocolate and he couldn't imagine a brighter future than tasting her kiss every day. It would only get better with every kiss, every taste of her. And then somehow, he finally found his self-control and quickly pulled back from her before he lost it again.
He looked directly in her eyes and said as intensely as he could,
"That! That is why we are supposed to be together, Claire Young. Just don't forget it between now and then. Got it?"
She looked a little scared as she stared back at him. She swallowed quickly making him notice how her lips were slightly swollen from his kiss and then she nodded.
Claire:
Claire woke up the next morning with a sense of confusion. She was in her room and in her bed like she was supposed to be. But she wasn't sure of much else. And then it hit her like a tank. All the recent events that had happened replayed in her mind backward and in super speed.
*That intense, impassioned look Quil had given her before he left. *The kiss where he had promised that they were supposed to be together after all. *His explaining his need for her. *Her expressing all her doubts about if they could have a future together. *Him teasing her about her hair. *Her spending the day crying uncontrollably as she told Rachel everything that happened. *Her telling Quil she had saved her virginity. *Quil dropping her off in the Camaro. *Her waking up with a shock in Quil's bed. *Her braking down in Quil's arms on the floor. *Quil telling her Bennett was now a wolf. *Her pacing in front of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. *Her cleaning Quil's apartment. *Leah telling her it wasn't what she thought. *Quil grabbing her arm before she almost ripped it out of socket to pull away from him. *Her running down the stairs as Quil chased after her. *Her opening the door interrupting Quil and Leah together. *Rachel and Travis dropping her off in front of the garage. *Her pacing in her room worried about Quil on his birthday. *Her crying a few small tears as Bennett kissed her cheek and said he'd see her soon. *Her lying on the floor as Bennett whispered in her ear that he would love her forever. *Her at school realizing that it was Quil's birthday. *Her waking up with a twisted gut. *Emily sitting next to her asking 'Well what does Quil have?'. *Bennett holding her left hand as he carried her books down the hall at school. *Macy asking her on Wednesday if she was worried that she'd have a cast in prom pictures. *Her feeling upset when her mom missed family dinner on Tuesday night. *Rachel blow drying her hair Tuesday morning. *Doing her homework alone at the kitchen table Monday afternoon. *Bennett holding her in his arms in the kitchen on Sunday after she got home from the hospital. *The ortho-surgeon re-breaking and setting her arm as she screamed in intense pain and had to cry alone because Quil wasn't there. *Her waking up on the gurney as it was pushed into the ER. *The airbag being the only thing she could see as she lost consciousness. *Bennett holding her hand and making her laugh as they walked to the car. *Her right arm almost giving out as she caught Claudia. *Singing as loudly as she could to Beyoncé with Bennett on the way to the competition. *Bennett telling her he loved her for the first time.
That was the last one that she held on to as she laid there, with the weight of her cast on her chest making it even harder for her to breath as she fought the tears pooling in her eyes. She thought of that smile Bennett had given her, meant specifically for her and now she doubted if she would ever see it again. How could so much change in her life so quickly? How could he just be gone to her? He loved her one minute and could never be with her the next. It hurt too much to even think about. But then there was Quil.
Ugh, she didn't want to think about Quil either. She didn't even know how she felt about him anymore. Angry? Yes. Resentful? You bet. Frustrated with? Definitely. But then there were more complicated feelings she couldn't so easily identify. She thought back to the moment that he kissed her. She wasn't sure why she hadn't seen it coming as he came back to her, but it wasn't until he grabbed her face and pulled her neck up to meet his kiss that she knew what was happening. She had never felt so confused. Her first instinct had been to push back and shove him away, but then she actually felt his kiss and suddenly she understood for the first time why Quil might have done what he did with Leah. It truly was an escape from the pain. And she felt horrible for using Quil like that, as an escape, but she never would have done it on her own. It was only because he was already kissing her that made her unable to stop herself from returning the kiss that enabled an escape from her pain ….
But then somewhere along the line it had changed for her. It stopped being about hiding from something and became about embracing something else, even if she wasn't sure what. Suddenly what he had said about having a taste of potential made sense to her. She could feel it. They had more... or at least they had the potential for so much more. So much more it frightened her.
Why was Quil just now so sure that they WOULD be together, that they SHOULD be together? He never had been before but last night he was. He made it clear he was.
Finally, having enough of dwelling on things that hurt, Claire took a deep breath, and shoved all of her feelings down as far as she could. She got out of bed and started her day. It was Sunday and she didn't know what she was going to do today but she knew that she had to keep moving. If she held still for even a minute, she might fall apart, and she just couldn't fall apart again. So, she folded her laundry. Then she cleaned her room. Then she ran out of things to do. She couldn't bring herself to do her homework. She usually did her homework with Bennett and it was just too painful to do it alone… like how she would always have to now. So, she decided she needed to keep moving. Literally.
She was still wearing her running top and her hair was still braided, so she changed her sweats for her running tights and put her Nikes on. She was just running down the stairs when her mom saw her.
"What are you doing, Claire?"
Crap! She thought to herself. "Just heading out…" she tried to sound as casual as she could, but her mom said immediately,
"No. No you can't go for a run."
"Mom! I need to run, I need to stay in shape and get exercise and...and ….. I just have to!" She sounded about twelve years old, but she just couldn't help herself, she was desperate to keep moving.
"I'm sorry, Claire. Absolutely no physical activity while you're still in your full-length cast." Her mom responded unfazed by her whining.
Claire didn't know what to do. She needed to keep moving, she had to, or she was going to break down. Again. And it was coming. She could feel it, and she was trying her best to just shove it back down but without the physical feeling of moving to help her, she didn't think that she could contain it.
And then Quil walked in. He just walked in the door, took one look at her on the stairs in her running outfit with her broken arm strapped to herself and said,
"What do you think you're doing?"
Her mom answered before she could,
"Claire was just telling me how she thinks she needs to go for a run a week after she broke her arm in two places."
"Yeah, no. You can't do that, Claire." Quil immediately said.
It was coming, Claire could feel the breakdown coming back up. She needed to be moving, running, feeling the motion to keep things down. Suddenly she had an idea. She took every last ounce of strength she had and pushed everything back down as far as she could. Then she walked the rest of the way down the stairs, grabbed her purse, jacket and keys from where she had left them on the kitchen table the day before. She quickly turned to Quil and said in a serious voice,
"'Kay, let's go."
"Um, where are we going?" he asked confused.
"First Beach." She answered confidently.
"We are?" He asked obviously surprised.
She was losing strength rapidly. She didn't have time to explain things to people. She needed to be moving already. She refused to breakdown because she was explaining her rationale instead of in action already. Maybe she could just bypass Quil and take her mom's car… no, her mom wouldn't let her drive with just her left arm… maybe she could take an Uber… but she still didn't have a phone yet… it didn't matter, she would figure it out… she just had to go. Go NOW.
She just completely gave up on trying to have a conversation with anyone and started to walk past Quil when he quickly caught her arm and asked,
"Claire? I thought we were going to First Beach?"
She immediately said without thinking, "I am. You can do whatever you want, Quil."
"Claire!" Said her mom offended by her abruptness.
She didn't have time for this. Couldn't they see that she was falling apart? That at any second she would end up sobbing on the floor. Broken. She just closed her eyes and started shaking her head, not trusting herself to speak. Stuff it down. Stuff it down. She thought to herself like a mantra. Somehow through all of that she heard her mom say.
"Claire, that was a little rude. I think you need to-"
"It's okay, Susan." Quil cut her off, "I got this. I'll take her to La Push right now."
Claire opened her eyes to see her mom exchange a loaded glance with Quil that seemed to be communicating something silently before she said,
"Don't let her do anything physical."
"She won't." He agreed while pulling his keys back out of his pocket.
That was the only sign Claire needed, she turned and walked out the door and to Quil's car as fast as she could without actually running. Quil used the remote to unlock the car so that she wouldn't have to wait for him to catch up to her. She immediately pulled the door opened and slid into the car. She was about to reach back over with her left hand to pull the door closed but Quil was already there. He had caught up to her and was shutting the door for her. So instead she just reached up and grabbed her seatbelt before yanking it across her, cast and all, and snapping it home in the buckle as Quil got in the driver's seat and started the car in one smooth motion. It took him less than two seconds to pull the car out and for them to finally be moving.
Claire was finally feeling the movement that she so desperately needed and was immensely grateful for it. She immediately leaned forward and rolled her window half way down even though it was January, and freezing, and raining. She had thrown her jacket in the backseat with her purse. She didn't care. The cold air helped her feel the motion she needed as she continued to think, Shove it down, Shove it down.
She was trying to channel the air on her face, to push it through to her very core. To her soul. And for it to rush through her and back out taking her pain along with it.
It wasn't until Quil put his warm hand on the back of her head and said calmly, "Breathe. Just breathe." that she realized she was hyperventilating. Gasping for breath. Her lungs felt too small. Her need for a break-down felt bigger than her. She had shoved it down inside herself and now there was no room for her essential organs. Her lungs couldn't fill. Her heart couldn't beat around it.
She pulled her feet onto the seat while she lifted her left hand up to her head with her elbow out in an effort to expand her lungs. She could hear her gasping getting faster instead of slower. She leaned into her legs and put her head between her knees. It wasn't until she felt the heat under her left hand and arm against all the cold air rushing through the car that she realized Quil's hand was still on her head. She had unintentionally placed her hand on top of it, holding it there. She moved her hand away as soon as she realized it and wrapped it around her legs and knees so that he didn't have to be touching her. He seemed to sense her withdrawal and slowly pulled his hand away from her. As soon as he did Claire pulled her left hand tighter around her knees and on top of her head so that she was in as close to fetal position that she could be while still sitting in the seat.
Her breathing was still accelerating. She had been focused on trying to slow it down but instead she switched gears to trying to focus on taking big breaths. That helped. Her breathing slowly decelerated as she continued to take big breaths in. After a few moments of progress, she started trying to blow a big breath out after she took one in.
She was fairly sure that this was a Lamaze technique and actually laughed one rough "Hah!" as she thought about her head between her knees with her legs apart and doing Lamaze breathing likes she was in labor. After about thirty more seconds of focused breathing she realized that the cold air in the car was no longer whipping around her or screaming in her ears. She pulled her head up an inch or so to see that Quil had pulled the car over to the side of a road only about three blocks from her house to watch her while she tried to contain everything with inside herself.
"Just drive, Quil!" She said quickly between breathes.
She thought he was going to argue but instead he just sat in silence for a second. She couldn't see him with her head back between her knees, but he put the car in drive and started out again on their twenty-minute drive to La Push and First Beach.
It took another five minutes of focused effort before Claire was able to get her breathing back to normal. By that time, she was freezing sitting with the window rolled down and getting wet from the drizzling rain that was splashing into the car. Quil hadn't touched her again but left her in a freezing cocoon to breathe. She finally lifted her head up. They were at about the half way point in the drive.
Claire decided her need for warmth had finally outweighed her need for air and she reached across herself awkwardly with her left hand to roll up the window. As soon as she did Quil reached into the back seat and grabbed her jacket, and then all but chucked it at her. As soon as the window was up it became deadly silent in the car, especially compared to the noise of roaring wind that had been filling it before. Claire shoved her left arm in her jacket and then just threw the rest of it behind and around her as she used her left arm to pull it over her sling. She grabbed the bottom and was about to try to zip it closed with her left hand when she saw how badly it was shaking. She knew that the shakes weren't from the cold, she felt more numb than cold. She immediately gave up on trying to zip it and just threw her arm around her, holding her jacket closed against her body.
Quil quickly turned the heater on and blasted it so it was blowing out at them which initially made it worse by blowing out cold air before it warmed up. Once the heater started blowing warm air the car warmed up quickly. Claire could feel herself getting warm, but she couldn't stop herself from shaking. She was quivering all over here body. Finally, Quil spoke for the first time in the fifteen minutes since he had first told her to breath when they left the house.
"Have you ever had a panic attack before?" He asked her.
She shook her head as she said softly, "Never." She couldn't stop the shakes radiating out from her.
"That's what I thought." He said in a cold voice, "Have you had anything to eat today?" he continued.
She shook her head again and said, "No." in a voice so small it shocked her.
He nodded his head and said, "Your blood sugar is low, that's why you can't stop the shakes. Hold on, I'll stop at the gas station in Forks and get you something."
Since they had already past the turn off to Forks he had to turn the car around and go back a bit.
She just nodded, and was silent for a second before she asked,
"How do you know so much about it?"
"My mom used to have panic attacks that first year after my dad left." He explained quickly.
He had never told her that before. She knew that his dad had left of course, but since he didn't like to think about it much they had only talked about it a few times.
They pulled into the gas station then and Quil quickly hopped out, but left the car running with Claire in it. As soon as he got out of the car, she took the opportunity to grab the controls and turn off the heat. She was getting uncomfortably hot now, even if she couldn't stop the shakes. Quil was back a moment later and slid back into the car before handing her a Coke and an apple and putting a box of donuts on the dash.
"Here eat this." He said as he handed her the apple.
She was already drinking the Coke, but she took it and took a bite out of it before she asked,
"Why can't I have those?" she nodded toward the donuts.
"Because those are for me." He said seriously.
It wasn't until he started laughing that she realized he was joking. She almost laughed, she meant to, but she just didn't have enough in her to make it happen. She did realize that it was the first time she had heard Quil laugh in four months. She hadn't realized how much she missed it.
She ate her apple and drank her Coke as Quil drove her to First Beach. It was quiet in the car without the sound of the heater, but she just sat there silently curled up with her legs still up on the seat in front of her.
As soon as they got there she knew that she had been right to come. She had missed this place, and it held the perfect amount of movement she was looking for. The waves came in and out constantly, and the rain hit the sand and the rocks, and the seagulls flew around constantly over head looking for food. It was dreary and gray and cold, but she didn't care. She just got out of the car without a backwards glance.
She had so many amazing childhood memories here, and they all centered around Quil, which is why it was strange to her that this place could feel so much like Bennett and bring her so much peace, but it did. It was so alive, and constant, and beautiful in a non-traditional way, just like him. She had picked it for its movement, but it was the right place because of the way it felt so much like him.
She walked away from the car with Quil still in it, without looking back. She just headed straight for the beach. When the cold air hit her bare shoulders, she realized her open jacket had slid off her right shoulder and was hanging off her left arm. She just held her arm out and let it fall to the ground. She walked directly forward, across the pebbled beach until she got to the point where the pebbles turn to sand before it hits the water. There she just crouched down and put her hand on top of the compacted sand. She had needed to feel it. Feeling it somehow felt like touching him from afar. So, she just stayed there crouched down in her yellow tank top with the built-in bra and running tights and hot pink Nikes, in the probably thirty-degree weather with the mist from the sea hitting her face while touching the beach.
She sent all of her love, and regret, and apologies, and wishes, and hurt that she had for Bennett. She just sat there and sent it to him while being as close to him as she could. It came out in pulses in synch with the waves. Everything that had built in her, she pored it out -her whole soul- she gave to the shore and the waves because she could never give it to the person she wanted to. The person who it belonged to.
She didn't know how long she stayed there in that position before she felt the giant ball of emotion that that morning had formed into a chaos that could destroy her, empty. It might have been an hour, maybe more. But eventually she pulled her hand back up from the sand and wiped it on her pants before she wiped a few silent tears off her face. She slowly tried to stand up in a creaky wobble, she had been crouched down for a long time. She made it to a standing position okay and stood staring out at the water for a second before she got cold being fully exposed to the wind and mist. She turned around quickly to find Quil. Now that she thought about it, she was surprised that he had been able to go so long without trying to comfort or at least warm her.
She couldn't find him at first. He wasn't by the car or anywhere around her, and neither was her jacket.
She looked around herself some more and spotted him down the beach about a hundred yards away. He was by the tree line, pacing back and forth with his head down and her jacket in his hand. That explained why he hadn't come up to her. He probably had to walk so far away just to stop himself.
She smiled a little to herself at the thought, he always seemed to know what she needed even when it against the grain for him. She knew she was far from healed, but she felt lighter than she had in three days and was grateful for the ability to smile at simple things again. She walked down the beach to him. He didn't notice her until she was a few yards away.
"Hey!" he said relieved.
She just gave him a small smile,
"Can I have that?" she said pointing at her jacket.
She was probably turning blue by now. He quickly closed the gap between them and threw her jacket around her before immediately zipping it all the way up. She noticed his hesitation to touch her and found herself grateful for the space he was giving her. She wiggled and wormed her left arm up in her jacket until she got to the sleeve and pushed it through.
"Want to walk?" she asked while making eye contact with him for probably the first time that day.
"Yeah." He agreed quickly.
They started making their way slowly down the beach. Probably because of the poor weather they were the only ones there. After a few minutes of silence, Claire stopped to pick up a flat stone from the ground before sighing and saying,
"I have to go back to school tomorrow."
Quil had stopped when she did and was turned facing towards her as she faced the water and tried to do a left-hand throw to skip the stone that failed miserably. He didn't say anything, he just stood there watching her in silence. She sighed again, and said,
"I'll have to wear a stupid cast for at least six more weeks."
She looked up to see a look cross his face that showed his confusion in her change in direction.
"Kids at school, they think the accident was his fault. The cast will just be a constant reminder that before we broke up we were in the accident. They'll blame him." She explained.
"It wasn't his fault. The accident wasn't his fault." Quil said softly.
Claire looked up at him surprised. She knew that, but it wasn't what she was expecting from him.
"I've seen it. The accident… I've seen it in his head. When the bus hit you and you lost consciousness and he was pinned, screaming for help." Quil said with a shudder.
Claire was stunned. She knew all about the wolf-telepathy, but she hadn't seemed to think about Quil in Bennett's head and vice versus. She just nodded and stood in thoughtful silence for a few minutes before she asked,
"Have you seen a lot of things in his head? About me?" her voice had been steady but Quil looked away and didn't seem to want to make eye contact.
"Some…" he admitted with a shrug, "He can't think about you without being shut down by his wolf instincts, but he still wants to, he still tries."
She nodded again while looking back out over the water.
"Is he in pain?" she asked softly.
"No. Not physically." He answered quickly.
She breathed for a few moments and then asked,
"What some?"
She turned to look at him when he didn't answer and saw confusion on his face.
"You said some, what did you see?" she clarified.
He shrugged again, "Mostly flashes. You smiling, you cheering at his baseball game… when he told you he loved you… something about you slapping him when he accidentally unhooked your bra in the back of his car…" he admitted sheepishly.
Claire knew that she should be embarrassed by this, but she wasn't. She just smiled at the memory. That's all they would have now, just memories, and she refused to be ashamed of any of them.
She nodded again as she looked back at the water lost in her thoughts of him.
It was silent for a moment and then Quil asked in an uncertain voice,
"Claire?"
She looked at him, he seemed nervous to say whatever it was he wanted to.
"Yeah?" she prodded.
He took a deep breath seeming to brace himself before he looked at her and asked in one breath, "Did my kissing you last night make this worse for you today?"
She actually laughed before she answered, "Oh, Quil, get over yourself! Not everything is about you and me!"
She said it in a lighter tone than she had used with him since before seeing him again on Friday night.
He looked decidedly relieved by her answer.
He reached down and wrapped his big warm hand around her small one the way he always had. She let him hold it for a moment, mostly to give him peace and comfort, before she pulled it away and started walking down the beach again. She didn't look to see his reaction to her pulling away from him again. She didn't want to know. She had enough pain to deal with without taking on any of his potential pain as well and she just wasn't at place with him yet that she could handle him holding her hand again. She just kept staring out over the water as he followed her.
After about twenty minutes of silently making a slow crawl down the beach while pausing to toss stones occasionally, she turned to face him. She knew she was catching him off guard, but her mind had been turning a lot over the past few minutes and she had made a decision before she said,
"Alright, I want to know."
"Know what?" he asked surprised.
"How many?" she asked bracing herself.
"How many what?" he asked confused.
"How many women." she replied.
"I'm lost, Claire." He told her honestly.
She blew out a frustrated breath and said,
"I want to know how many women you've had sex with."
He seemed completely shocked and put off and said quickly,
"I don't want to talk about it. Ever."
Uh-oh, Claire immediately thought. That definitely wasn't a sign he had nothing to hide.
"Wow. Okay then." She said miffed as she started walking away again.
She knew it was an extremely personal question, but he had put her through and asked a lot of her lately and she felt she deserved to know.
"Claire, wait! I'm sorry! That was just my knee jerk reaction, but we can talk about it. We always said no secrets, right? What do you want to know?" he said quickly running to catch back up to her.
"I want to know how many women you have had sex with! I think I have a right to know! You want me to get over what happened with Leah? Well I need to know…. how many there were and when and where this was happening. I mean, GAH! I let you sleep in my bed with me!" -she shuddered visibly at the thought- "I need to know how much cross over there was." She finished with a small huff.
He smiled for a second like something was funny before he said earnestly,
"Claire, the last time I had sex was the day before I met you."
She just gave him her most skeptical look immediately and he said,
"I'm serious! I think you seriously got the wrong idea after what happened with Leah, but really, Claire! It's been fourteen-years!"
She had to digest that for a moment. She wasn't even sure that she truly believed him until she heard herself say,
"That must have been hard."
She was shocked that she was actually teasing him. And using innuendos to do it! That wasn't like her. She hadn't even meant it in a dirty way….. well, mostly she hadn't. Maybe just a little bit she had wanted to make him feel some of the discomfort she had been feeling since finding him with Leah. He was frozen for a second before his face broke into a huge grin and he grabbed her side under the sling and started tickling her as he said,
"'Must have been hard!' You think you're so funny, don't you!?"
She laughed and tried to squirm away as she continued,
"I'm serious! Are we sure you're okay? That can't be healthy, I mean you could have fathered a child who is know themselves having sex in that amount of time!" She laughed.
He then grabbed both of her sides from behind and tickled her mercilessly while he said, "Oh! You got jokes now, huh? You got jokes? Hitting the age and the celibacy at the same time! Wow, what's next, my size?" he laughed as she squealed when he hit her soft spot that was most ticklish.
She realized in that moment that maybe they really could be good together. Maybe when she was ready, they really could be solid if she was willing to give it a chance. She sighed as she finished laughing and he pulled his hands away, clearly not wanting to hurt her or her arm again. As he pulled away she reached out with her left hand and grabbed his, sliding her fingers between the space where his thumb and index finger met as she asked,
"Are you ready to go home?"