CH 11 – So Help Me

Flynn wanted to not let her go, to carry her back to her room, but she insisted on going back to her chair. He wheeled her into her room, and then lifted her on to the bed. She still remembered everything, but she was not ready to talk….Flynn longed to know what it was that had caused her so much grief…..he wanted her to get it all out….but being she had agreed to do this in the first place, he couldn't bear to push her any further. She'd share what she remembered….when she was ready…

Huang reported back to the Captain on the progress, no details, in keeping with doctor/patient confidentiality, but merely advising that progress had been made, and the explanation would more than likely be forth coming in a few days….

In their next session, she asked that Flynn remain outside….She wasn't ready for him to hear what she had been through. Once the door was closed and the doctor had taken his seat to her corner, she began to open up about her 'other world'….the oasis….her grandmother….her brother….and the other person at the end….the person that had…

"Shortly after my brother left and I remained to play with my dolls, I heard the door open again…It was Harris Lancaster, one of Ryan's friends. I could hear a bunch of boys downstairs making an absolute racket. Harry looked as though he'd been bored. That expression quickly changed as he looked at me…I didn't like it….not at all…" She hesitated for a moment. George leaned in, gently placing his hand on her arm reassuringly. Slowly, she went on.

"He seemed nice at first. He started looking over my doll collection. Nothing was said, but he seemed to be complimenting them….the dress on one, the hair of the other….he even looked up the skirt of a third. I started to laugh….he was being so silly…After all, no boy plays with dolls…."

Her breathing grew labored, but she pressed forward. "Then….he came closer to me…he ran his fingers through my hair…then down around my chin and around the neckline of my dress…." She swallowed hard. "He seemed to like what he was seeing with me too….As his finger went lower, over my chest, I began to realize what he was planning next. I jumped back, ran to where I thought I'd be out of his reach. It didn't work. He came straight for me. He pinned me against my coloring desk, pressed his face right into mine, then knocked me back on top of it…and he….he….he…."

It took her a while, but she began to describe in detail the horrors that happened that day…the molestation she had suffered at the hands of her brother's friend.

"I cried….I begged him to stop…he only told me to be quiet or he'd hurt me worse. Ryan had warned me, when I was mad or lonely and had my Nursery Rhyme music on too loud he'd come up and break my record player if I didn't cut it out….He was right downstairs….He was supposed to take care of me….but all he cared about were his friends and his games….I threatened Ryan. I told him I was going to tell my parents….He just laughed at me. He told me nobody cared about me….my mother was always gone and my father…my father always cheered him on at the games…He said that my father loved him more than he loved me! And Ryan….well, it was plain to see he didn't care…..then he reached out and grabbed my doll….my favorite doll….and ripped her head off….then her arms…then legs…He told me that was what was going to happen to his 'little doll' if I told anyone…that I was just a toy he found to play with….and toys don't talk."

She cried some more, part glad Andy wasn't there to see, part missing his arms around her.

Slowly, through the pain a soft epiphany covered her face.

"What are you thinking about?" Huang invited, seeing the gentle change in her demeanor.

"My grandmother….the one I told you about from the oasis….you weren't too far off when you sent her into the passageway to save me….she did save me. She could see something in me….a change…the next few times I visited….sometimes, it was the day after Harris….visited….again….I wouldn't tell her…I couldn't…but she knew something was wrong….she knew my home situation was…not good…so she talked to my mother and father and convinced them to let me stay with her during the day and after school….when I started to go…"

When she started to go….Huang thought to himself….This must have happened very early….

"Well, in time I was virtually living there. My father was always working late, or at one of my brother's games….and my mother never wanted to drive that far to pick me up. I didn't find out until later, but when my parents finally divorced, Gams went to court to become my legal guardian….I stayed with her until…until…."

"She passed away….."

"Fifteen…I was fifteen when she died." She confessed. "Then, I went back to my mother….Ryan went with my father when they split…I was back in the same town, but he and Harris had already graduated high school by the time I came back thank Ged! At that point, I had become a bit of a tom-boy…no more dresses and barrettes for me….I just wanted jeans and a sweatshirt….had to wear skirts to school…I hated it! I used to wear pedal pushers underneath. I used to want to rip off that stupid thing as soon as the last bell rang….but I didn't….I'd either disappear behind some bushes or go into a friend's bathroom."

"You didn't want to be seen…stripping…even with clothes on…."

Jess looked at the doctor, slowly nodding…."It just didn't feel right…."

"But pants did…"

"You better believe it! From there on in, I was all sports all the time. I wanted to do hockey and football, but 'girls don't do that' was what I kept hearing….I did field hockey, soccer, whatever would let me in. When the boys used to start off making fun of me, I'd challenge them to skill contests…even the few times I didn't win, I did more than well enough to impress them…soon I had some of them asking me to come to practice with them….some were serious…some were….well, put simply, it was never at their house…or mine….and always in a space clearly visible to other teams that were practicing or doing whatever."

"You learned how to protect yourself."

"And then some….some of the guys started making moves and I'd use my sports skills to out maneuver them. Even made a trade one guy, I'd help him with his baseball skills if he taught me the karate he was learning in the school…something else I wasn't allowed to do at the time. Sometimes he got…closer…than I was comfortable with, but something told me he wasn't going to do anything….He didn't tell me till we were Seniors…."

"Tell you?"

"I'm pretty sure it's called 'coming out' now….wasn't called anything then, because almost nobody did it….certainly not in high school."

Huang just smiled.

"My grades were ok, but not all that stellar…Mom pressed for college, saying it's what gams would have wanted…I wasn't interested, but I couldn't let my Gams down…so we compromised and I went to the local community school….That's when I discovered the ROTC. Went through a lot of bull, but they finally made an exception….from there, I was in the army…and the rest, as they say…is history…." She ended with a smile.

"Any….incidents…when you joined the corps."

"We…don't discuss that…with civilians….." she responded sullenly.

"We can here….nothing you say….leaves this office…." He reassured again.

"I….I'm not ready to go that far…I…can…remember….I just don't want to…not yet…." Her voice shuddered.

"That's fine….we can talk about it another day…."

"Doctor…."

"Yes…."

"Do you think we can do that hypnosis thing again…I don't want to revisit my….mother's house….but it was good to spend time with Gams…"

George smiled lightly…."I'll tell you what…in a few days, we'll do a session, just to visit your grandmother, and to learn a few relaxation techniques….you may need them to help you cope now that your past is coming back to you…after that, we'll do some more regressions, to see if you need to pull up anything else….does that sound fair…."

The doctor drove a hard bargain, she had to admit….but, as much as it hurt, she knew he was right….knowing her past was better than hiding it….

Now…she had to figure out her future….How could she put all the pieces together…?