A/N: The final chapter, I hope you enjoy it. Set during the season 8 finale: Sacrifice. The title is taken from a song I heard on the radio while working on this that was conveniently called Blow Gabriel Blow. *Wink* It was really hard listening to it without peeing myself.

Chapter 11:

Purged My Soul, My Heart Too

Sam sat there, darkness and silence surrounding him, the occasional creak of the wood beneath him. His mind was spinning with thoughts while being completely empty at the same time. Maybe he should have thought through what he was going to say, made a plan. Dean's suggestions had helped, at least generally. He knew he had a lot to get of his chest, a heavy weight on his soul and now was his chance to do that. Finally.

The problem was having so many sins meant he wasn't sure where to start. Start at the beginning. A voice in the back of his mind whispered. Start with the first sin you committed.

Sam frowned, thinking, what was the first sin he'd committed? Thou shall honour thy mother and thy father. His heart leapt into his throat as he realized the voice sounded distantly like his father. He nodded to himself, frowning at the empty window beside him.

"Forgive me father for I have sinned…" he started in a low whisper; shifting awkwardly on the small seat, it felt ridiculous speaking to an empty confessional. Forcing the discomfort away, Sam closed his eyes and took a breath. "I dishonoured my father." he stated regretfully. "I…I never listened to him, never did what he said. - I hated him. I…" he took another deep breath; the oxygen choking him for a moment. "I…still hate him." he whispered and felt a weight lift slightly from his shoulders. "I hate that he made me into this. - I hate that he made me a killer. - I've never forgiven him for the life he made me lead, not really." he shook his head. "And I don't….I don't think I ever will. I love him, I do and I miss him every day, but deep down there's a small part of me that hates him for stealing my life."

His throat tightened; his heart pounding against his ribs. He stared down at his hands in the dark light, watching them shake in his lap. He quickly knotted his fingers together tightly, squeezing until his knuckles went white. Despite the confession and the slight ease it gave him, he still wasn't feeling particularly pure, particularly clean. He felt guilty, ashamed, unworthy. How could he hate his father, after everything?

His mind span once again and all that he could hear were the ten commandments swirling around and around, chanting in the back of the mind. "I've stolen and lied." Sam whispered; just to fill the silence, too give his heart and mind a change to settle. "I've…" he frowned as he reached for another broken commandment, anything to guide him.

"I killed my girlfriend." it still felt true, even after all these years. He should have protected her; he should have known the dreams meant something. "I've caused the deaths of so many people, Jo and Ellen, Bobby, my father, Dean. Gabriel. - Everyone I've ever loved." he whispered.

He slouched back against the wooden wall for a moment; breathing heavily and dragging his hands through his hair. Ruby. Dean's voice whispered into the back of his mind. "I betrayed my brother. I trusted a demon and let her lie to me because I wanted to believe it all. I knew…" he whispered; his tone more conversational than before. "I didn't care what she was doing to me, what she was turning me into, all I cared about was vengeance." he let his head fall back against the wood, his eyes closed to the ceiling. "Just like my dad." he murmured after a long moment. "I wanted her head and if drinking demon blood, killing innocence people was going to get me that, then…fine. I didn't much care."

Sam's heart pounded painfully, stealing every breath he drew in. "Even when Dean came back, when Cass and Uriel told me it was wrong, I still kept going back because I wanted to. I told myself it was for the greater good, that she needed to be stopped because it was easier than admitting that I just wanted to rip her apart. - That I was no better than my father, vengeance at any cost."

He took a few moments to force air back into his lungs and calm himself; clenching his hands tightly to stop them from shaking. "I failed Dean, betrayed him every time I took that poison into my body and I didn't care. Not really." He wiped at his eyes; his palm coming away damp. "Because I always fail Dean. I always betray him. I did it with Ruby, I did it with Gabriel and I did it when I left him in Purgatory and I'll probably do it again. I don't know why.

"No, that's a lie; I know exactly why I keep letting him down. - Because this is all his fault." Sam announced; his voice shaky and rough. "Why couldn't he just leave me alone? Why did he have to come get me in Stanford? Why couldn't he let me walk away? - I…I h-hate him. I hate him and it's getting stronger every day."

Sam stomach cramped up at the words, the truth in them, because he did hate his brother, he'd hated Dean since the day he'd dragged him back into this life and he'd hate him until the day they're both dead, because Dean had stolen his life from him as surely as their father had. "I love him though, he's my brother and I'd die for him but I can't help hating him."

Sam sat in the confessional, silent but for the pained sounds that slipped past his lips as he cried. "I don't want to hate him." he said quietly; his voice broken and watery. "I don't want to wish I'd never seen him again, but I can't help it." he shook his head; dragging his hand over his face, trying to scrub the tears away. "I don't want to keep letting him down."

He slumped against the confessional wall once again, his body suddenly feeling drained and tired, broken and empty. He wondered if that was what it felt like having cleansed your soul. Was he pure enough to fulfil the final trial? Something in him said no, so he sat listening to his own breathing and the wind in sweeping through the church beyond the door.

"I have no idea what else to confess." he said to the empty box. "I let Lucifer out of the cage because I refused to see Ruby for the lying demon she was. I said yes to Lucifer, even though I was sure I wasn't strong enough to fight him. - I killed a woman." he said quietly. "Two years ago, I killed her in cold blood. - I killed a few people then. Innocent people who didn't need to die, people I could have saved if I'd only wanted to. - Dean says they don't count because I didn't have a soul then, but…I still remember them, I still see their faces sometimes. I…I still feel the guilt."

He pressed his palms together; resting his forehead against the steepled fingers and breathed. Purgatory. Dean's voice whispered to him and he took a deep breath, nodding against his hands. "Purgatory. - I didn't look to get Dean out of purgatory…." he sighed. "Because…I wanted to walk away. I wanted it to all be over and without Dean, I could do that. - I told myself he was dead, even though I knew he probably wasn't and I said it so I wouldn't feel guilty for not fighting to bring him back. - I had Amelia, I had the normal life he'd stolen from me and I didn't want him taking it away again, so I didn't help him or Kevin."

Sam fell silent again, dropping forward to lean heavily on his knees, his head in his hands. His heart wasn't racing as fast as it had been but his head was beginning to pound, a migraine taking root. He was tired, worn but knew he wasn't finished yet. There was something holding him back, keeping him fixed to the wooden stool.

"I slept with an archangel." he said so quietly only dogs could hear it. "I had sex with an archangel." he clarified unnecessarily. "And I…" he swallowed. "Enjoyed it." he inhaled sharply at the double tap his heart gave. "I didn't know it was Gabriel, not to start, not when we were in the bar." he shook his head. "It wasn't until…after that first time, when we were sat in bed and he looked at me and… - I ignored it to start with, told myself I was imagining things but then I saw him in Katherine's year book, I listened to the way he talked. - He called me kiddo, Katherine used to call me kiddo too but… I don't know how to explain it, I just kinda knew. - Then he appeared in my dreams; there was no way that should have happened unless…and I knew. - And I… I still had sex with him and loved it.

"Then I freaked out because it was Gabriel and I was meant to hate him, after everything he'd done to us, but I didn't, I just wanted to….again and again, and I couldn't because I'd already made that mistake with Ruby and I couldn't betray Dean like that again, he'd never forgive me. I was still regaining his trust after Lucifer, so I left. - But….I never stopped thinking about it. I just wanted to touch him again. When he turned up at Bobby's…." he shook his head. "I couldn't stop myself. It was selfish and cold but I needed him, right then I needed the comfort no-one else has ever been able to provide. Not even Jess and that made me so angry, because I loved Jessica, I wanted to marry her and Gabriel was…he'd lied to me and manipulated me, just like Ruby, so I…used him. I treated him so badly and I didn't care how he felt. I didn't let myself think that he might actually care about me as more than a plaything."

Sam panted; his words having stolen his breath, the weight he'd been carrying for years unable to acknowledge to himself slowly easing off his wide shoulders. His biggest sin was his biggest secret. Gabriel.

"Even after we got him killed I continued to use him, I sort him out when I needed that comfort. I don't even know why?" he shook his head. "Because he's the only one who has ever put me first." he whispered brokenly. "Who has ever tried to save me and give me the life I wanted. - He tried when we were kids, he was the reason I fought so hard to go to college because he wanted me to be free and happy. He tried to stop me from getting involved with Ruby, though he could have tried harder, why he just couldn't have told me what was happening I'll never know, but he tried. He always tried." he swallowed thickly. "Katherine says it was because he loved me. - She asked if I loved him and I didn't answer because I don't know. It's easy to love someone when they're not here, right? You build this perfect memory of them, you forget all the hard times, all the fights, all the shit. You just remember that taste of their kiss, the way they smelt and felt. The sound of their voice and the gleam in their eye before they did something that would piss you the hell off. Just like with Jessica, I don't remember any of the arguments we had, any of the bad times. - It would be so easy to say I loved him because he's not here to test it.

"I… - I love that he gave me a son, who is brilliant, strong and brave. Who I love more than anything in this whole world." his throat tightened at the thought of Alfie. "I love him for that. - The rest, doesn't much matter anymore."

~~~There Are No Lies, Only Truths No Yet Told~~~

Sam lent his head back against the wall, the exhaustion beginning to seep into his every bone. Part of him wished Dean hadn't have left with Cass, just so he'd have someone to talk to. The last couple of hours had given him too long to think, to regret, even after his confession he seemed to be unable to just let it all go. His only distraction in the past few hours had been Abaddon; he was still aching all over.

He glanced over to where Crowley was chain to his chair, sickly pale and looking more broken than he'd ever seen the demon, Sam hated the small spark of sympathy he had in him. Then he remembered Alfie and what the bastard had done to his son and felt the pure hatred and fury burn it away, it was almost over. - Finally.

"Where are we?" Crowley suddenly asked, breaking the hours of peaceful yet eerie silence they'd been in since Abaddon fled.

Sam stretched, glancing down at his watch. "It'll all be over in less than five minutes." he sighed.

"The syringe I get, the knife." he nodded understandingly. "What's with the pea-shooter?"

Sam glanced at the gun and flexed his fingers, his jaw twitching. "It's for when you're human." he met Crowley's gaze coldly.

"Hmm, course." Crowley sighed, staring off into space thoughtfully. "Smart Moose, should have seen that."

"Yeah." Sam exhaled, watching the king of hell. "After what you did to my son." he said before he could stop himself, his tone ice cold and dangerous.

Crowley lifted his eyes slowly, meeting the Winchester's gaze. "So….you know? - You didn't?" he rambled. "When did you find out?"

Sam's jaw tightened. "How did you find out?" he demanded, ignoring the demon's question.

Crowley smiled weakly, shrugging. "Heard you and angel boy getting touchy feely. - Bugged the Impala remember."

Sam shifted forward, his gaze narrowing. "So you knew we'd….how'd you know about….Samandriel."

Crowley scoffed, rolling his neck. "Found the kids picture in the Bat-Mobile." he stated matter-of-factly. "Started looking, when Cass skewered the bodyguard it became a lot easier to find him."

"Then you kidnapped him and handed him over to Raphael."

"Cass didn't exactly leave me much choice, he double crossed me, I needed leverage….something to get Raphael on side, figured the kid was valuable enough to get me what I wanted."

"And you didn't care what they'd do to him?" he growled furiously, fighting the overpowering urge to grab the knife and kill the fucker.

Crowley staring over at Sam's murderous dark eyes. "I'm a demon remember." he dropped his gaze guiltily. "I figured they'd do the same as me. - Of course, neither of us could have foreseen Castiel's little bait and switch. - After that I had more important things on my mind than some half breed brat."

Sam's jaw tightened, his fingers curling into a white knuckled fist. He breathed heavily though his nose, telling himself over and over again to just wait, soon it would all be over.

"I met him a couple of time over the years." Crowley whispered, his voice absent and eerily calm for the situation, like they were talking over a cup of coffee.

"Who?" Sam growled, his head low, trying desperately to calm his rage.

"Lover boy." Crowley replied, his voice tired and weak.

Sam inhaled sharply, grinding his teeth. He wanted to argue but he wasn't sure what exactly he'd be arguing against, they'd had been lovers, however briefly.

"Of course, never knew he was an angel, not till you pair of morons blew his cover. "

Sam gritted his teeth harder, his hands trembling silently. "Why'd you take Samandriel?" he asked, hoping to derail the course of the conversation. He didn't want to think about Gabriel, it hurt in way he couldn't understand.

"I told you." Crowley sighed.

"The second time. Were you going to use him again? Leverage to get the tablet? - Why didn't you?"

Crowley groaned, stretching against his bindings. "What would have been the point, you didn't even know he existed. - If figured that out pretty quickly, if you had you'd have come after me years ago. Besides you'd have never believed me if I'd told you, I had no proof and well….I lie, right? I'm a demon, we all lie." he scoffed, meeting Sam's red-rimmed gaze. "He was convenient. I wanted information, he was there. It wasn't planned. It wasn't personal. - When did you find out?"

Sam took a deep breath. "About a month after you….killed him."

Crowley narrowed his watery eyes at the hunter. "I didn't kill him, which was all Boy Wonder's doing, remember."

"If you hadn't have taken him, he'd still a alive." Sam argued furiously, glaring at the demon.

"Yeah and he'd still be Naomi's puppet. You should be thanking me for getting him away from that bitch."

Sam narrowed his gaze, his fingers wrapping around the gun. "Thanking you?" he scoffed venomously. "He was there because of you!" he yelled. He watched with satisfaction as Crowley paled further, dropping his defensive gaze and slumping in the chair.

"You're right." the demon murmured. "It's my fault."

Sam took a moment to breath, flexing his tightly clenched fingers, swallowing down the pain. He glanced at his watch with a sigh with relief, it was time. It was finally going to be over. He reached for the syringe, hissing as he drew his blood.

"Would it be possible, Moose… - I'd like to ask you a….a favour." Crowley whispered brokenly.

Sam glared over at him, the syringe heavy in his palm. The bastard wanted a favour? From him? After everything he'd done, was he insane.

"Sam, earlier…when you were….confessing, back there, what did you say?" Crowley looked up at him with watery red-rimmed eyes, turmoil swirling in their depths. "I only ask because….given…history…it poses the question….where do I start….to even look….for…forgiveness?"

Sam pushed himself to his feet and stared down at the broken King of Hell, his heart skipping slightly at the sight of a tear rolling down the heartless demon's cheek. The pure fury and hatred of mere seconds ago swallowed up by the sudden wave of empathy that flooded through him. He took another breath, he couldn't forgive the demon or forget what he'd done over the years, but….that had been the demon, the dark poison that had taken over the man he'd once been. Was he really any different to Cass? - Himself? "How about we start with this." he said, lifting the blood filled syringe, watching as the demon bared his neck, welcoming his fate.

With his blood coursing through Crowley's veins, Sam walked calmly back to the altar, his legs growing weaker, his flesh burning as the power took hold again, hotter than before. He paused for a moment, bracing himself once again against the altar as the room spun. He closed his eyes, breathing heavily through his nose. Blindly he tugged his phone out of his pocket, opening his eyes he stared down at it longingly. The moment this was done, he was calling Alfie, tell him it was over. He set the cell on the altar and picked up the exorcism.

Making his way back to Crowley, he began to recite the ancient Latin, his body trembling with every word, Crowley sitting silent and resigned, his eyes closed. When Sam finally finished he grabbed the knife and dragged it across his palm, hissing at the pain but never faltering. His arm began to glow and burn, like he knew it would. He stepped up to Crowley, taking a breath and clutching the demon's shoulder. This was it, the end. The fighting would be over. Alfie would be safe. - He could be a father.

"Sammy, stop!"

Sam turned, surprised by his brother's sudden return.

"Easy there okay? Just take it easy, we've got a slight change of plan." Dean said, cautiously moving towards him.

"What? - What's going on? Where's Cass?" Sam demanded, his body trembling beneath the power.

"Metatron lied, you finished this trial, you're dead Sam."

Sam looked from his brother to Crowley, his head spinning. Die? He was going to die? The images of Alfie flashed into his mind. Jessica. Sarah. The thousand other's who'd died at the hands of demons, people they hadn't been able to save. It had to end. "So?" he snapped, turning back to his brother. "Look at him! Look at him, look how close we are, other people will die if I don't finish this." he insisted furiously.

"Thank about it. Think about what we know. Pulling souls from hell, curing demons, hell, ganking a hellhound. We have enough knowledge on our side to turn the tide here."

Sam looked back down at Crowley, the sound of rain echoing off the roof. He had to make the world safer, to stop the fighting. - But he also wanted to see his son again, wanted to share birthdays, Christmases, weddings. Wanted to keep his promise to Dean and see his grandkids one day. He wanted to find a way to keep Alfie from paying for his and Gabriel's sin.

"I can't do this without you." Dean added pleadingly.

"You can barely do it with me." Sam quickly reminded his brother, anger tainting his voice. "I mean you think I screw up everything I try. You think I need a chaperon, remember?"

"Come on man, you know that's not what I meant."

"No, it's exactly what you meant." Sam straightened, his heart punching at his ribs, his skin on fire. "You wanna know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? - Was how many times I'd let you down. - I can't do that again."

"Sam…."

"What happens when you decide I can't be trusted again? Who you gonna turn to next instead of me? Another angel? Another… - Another vampire? You have any idea what it felt like to watch your brother….?"

"Just hold on, hold on!" Dean interrupted desperately. "You seriously think that? Because none of it, none of it is true. Listen man, I known we've had our disagreements okay, hell knows I've said some junk that's set you back on your heels, but Sammy, come on, I killed Benny to save you, I'm willing to let this bastard and all the sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you. Don't you dare think there is anything past or present, that I would put in front of you. It has never been like that. Never. I need you to see that. I'm begging you."

Sam stood staring at his brother, his chest aching and his eyes stinging from the tears rolling down his cheeks. He knew Dean meant it, every word. He knew he was the most important person in Dean's life and it only made him feel worse, because he didn't share that devotion, especially not anymore. He inhaled sharply as the burning beneath his flesh increased, the glow getting brighter and brighter, screaming for him to finish the trail. "How do I stop?" he asked, meeting Dean's watery gaze pleadingly.

"Just let it go."

"I can't." Sam shook his head. "It's in me Dean, you don't know what it feels like."

"Hey listen, we will figure it out?" Dean promised, wrapping his bandana around the sliced palm. "Okay? Just like we always do."

Sam nodded, groaning as Dean pulled him into a tight bear hug, the pair holding onto one another for dear life.

"Let it go, okay? Let it go brother." Dean whispered into his hair.

The pain eased, the glow faded until Sam was staring down at tanned, dirty skin. "Hey. Hey."

"See."

Sam returned his brother's smile, a feeling of relief filling him. - But it was short lived, suddenly the pain ripped through his whole body like a machete through butter. It felt like every organ was on fire, his lungs melting, stealing his breath. His knees went beneath him, his mind searing with a deafening white light. He could hear Dean only barely, like a whisper though static. He screamed, doubling over as his gut twisted, knotting so tightly it felt as if something was trying to rip his insides out through his spin.

He was moving, he could feel rain and wind against his blazing skin, he caught glimpses of night through the lights that swallowed his vision. His heart felt like it was going to burst right out of his chest, he gasped for breath but couldn't seem to gain any oxygen to refill his liquefied lungs. He squinted up at the sky, watching, the sight blurred and unfocused as stars fell, thousands of them, burning up the night sky. "W-what's h-happening?" he asked brokenly. At least he hoped he'd asked, it was hard to tell if the words made it out of his mouth, his tongue feeling so swollen and heavy against his pallet. He thought he heard Dean replying but couldn't quite make out the words.

Fear choked him as he saw darkness swallowing the white of his peripheral vision, moving in swiftly to drag him down into the abyss. He worked his throat and his tongue, trying to force more words out of his mouth. "A-Alfie…" whether Dean heard him, Sam couldn't know because the abyss finally engulfed him and everything went black.

To Be Continued…

A/N: I hope the confessional scene wasn't a complete let down. I tried to put myself in Sam's place and honestly, if I'd gone through some of the shit he had, I'd probably hate Dean too. It doesn't mean he doesn't love Dean just that he hate him too. Surely, he blames him for Jessica, deep down. Wouldn't you? If Dean hadn't have dragged him away looking for their dad, Jess might still be alive, Sam might have been there to save her. - Obviously we know (and probably so does he) that Azazel/Brady would have found away to kill Jess because they wanted her gone, but….emotions like guilt, anger and hate aren't the most rational of creatures.

Seriously, Band of Brothers reference? I can't keep a straight face.

I enjoy using the deleted scenes when I can, because most of the time they're really good scenes and work well if whatever I'm writing. In this case, the scene between Crowley and Sam gave me a place to build my confrontation around. Though I have a slight problem with the idea that Sam's willing to kill Crowley once he's human. - Though that's probably why the scene was cut from the overall episode. It doesn't make Sammy look particularly heroic now does it?

Why does Crowley suddenly have an American accent? At least it seems American to me.

I'm not one to defend Metatron, for obvious reasons, but he never lied. He told Dean it was going to be hard and might cost him dearly. He asked if Dean was ready for what they'd have to do to finish the trials. So he may not have said it in plan simple English, but then he's an angel, they never just say anything important. But he didn't lie. - At least not on screen.

I had to use the whole Dean/Sam scene at the end or it would have felt like I just stopped and it needed to be tied into the actual events of the episode. Obviously, I don't own that scene or the dialogue, which belongs to the wonderful writers of Supernatural and the CW©.

Well that's it for another story. Don't worry the series doesn't end here, I'm just trying to work out how to fit this in with season 9. Obviously, I want to acknowledge Meta-Fiction, I just have to think out some issues. So I can't promise when another story will be up soon. I am also still working on the prequel [Conduit of Destiny] and I'm thinking about one-shots surrounding Tall Tales, Mystery Spot and Changing Channels.

But for now it's goodbye. I'd like to THANK YOU ALL for your continued support and reviews, they are very much appreciated and keep me focused, and it's always fun to hear what you do and don't like.

Until next time.

Love ya.

Gatergirl79 xxx