A/N: I keep getting messages about my tumblr not working, and I never thought to mention this: I changed my screen name. It's now lucyygooseshmianharding. In other news, I also got questions about the book Aria was reading in chapter 10. Is it real… Um well it's not published, but it's not nonexistent. In all technicality, it's my story. Let You Go (The story before Free Fall) was written by me last year for NaNoWriMo (national novel writing month for those of you who don't know. I competed last year and won with LYG). I intended to edit it and then start writing Free Fall a few months later. So if you're asking yourself if you can read this story…. Let me know if you want to read Let You Go. Free Fall hasn't even been started. And if you're asking yourself why? 40 Days And Counting was given that attention. And then Lost That War. And now it's LTW, Say Anything and Heartbeat. My year is pretty much booked solid in terms of writing. I've got so much writing to do, plus the stories I WANT to write.
…And in the off time, I still squeeze in time to play Angry Birds. That said…
Chapter 11
Now You're Just Somebody That I Used To Know
Ezra pushed his spoon around in his coffee cup as he stared across the booth at Aria. A light smirk played on his face.
"We're going to get in so much trouble for this," she said, settling her starbucks cup down on the table.
Ezra shrugged. "We're out in public. The only other place we'll be besides the house is my car. And I was going nuts sitting there with nothing to do. It's not like they'll miss us anyway. My father's in Philadelphia, and the other three adults are in meetings until 5 PM. What else were we supposed to do? Sit in front of the TV and knit?"
Aria giggled. "You don't knit." "I would if my mother had anything to say about it," Ezra said.
This was their pathetic attempt at staging somewhat of a coup. As Ezra had stated, each of the parents was involved in something that was keeping them away from Dr. Sullivan's home. Ezra had been 'ordered' to pick Aria up from Rosewood Day and then take her back to the house. That's what they were supposed to do. Instead, they had decided to get coffee and enjoy as much of the outside world as they could before 4:45. Ella and Dr. Sullivan's meetings were both over at 5 PM, and Ezra and Aria had no intention of getting caught breaking the rules.
Ezra took a gulp from his latte and pulled his phone free from his pocket as it began to ring.
"Mayday, somebody save me now
And I'm closing-"
Ezra furrowed his brow as he opened the new text message and read it. A moment later his eyes grew wide and he looked up at Aria.
"We have to leave. Right now."
Aria raised an eyebrow at him. "What? I thought we were staging a coup d'état!"
Ezra chuckled, grabbing his coffee with his free hand. "We were, until Elijah decided to drive down from New York and crash the party."
Aria's eyes popped. "Your brother? Mr. Super-genius–"
"Fitz family extraordinaire, determined to defeat every record I've managed to set in this family? Yep, that's the one," Ezra finished. "C'mon, we gotta go."
Aria pouted as she moved out of booth and followed Ezra out of the coffee shop. They got into his car and he started it while pulling his phone free from his pocket as it rang again. He slid the arrow over on the screen and lifted it up to his ear.
"I'm driving back right now. Give me five minutes-" He shoved his keys into the ignition and rolled his eyes, laughing as Elijah growled at him from the other side of the line.
"That's a great question. I'm leaving starbucks right now. I'll- yes. Five minutes."
He rested his phone in the dash and pulled his seatbelt on before pulling out of the parking space. Aria eyed him curiously as he continued to chuckle.
"What's so funny?"
Ezra shook his head, turning the steering wheel as they pulled out onto the road. "Elijah was complaining about no one being at the house, and asked me who takes their house keys to college."
Aria stared at him as if she was questioning whether he was serious. She chuckled a moment later.
"It's a logical question," Ezra laughed. "I didn't bring keys with me when I came up here for school, and I never got locked out. I always made sure there was a spare key in my glove box, though."
True to his word, Ezra pulled up to Dr. Sullivan's home about five minutes later. He and Aria got out of the car and walked up to the house, though Aria was slower behind him as she spotted a man with dark brown hair leaning against the railing as he flipped through a book. She eyed him warily as she followed Ezra up the steps. He turned their way and smirked.
"Z!" Elijah looked from Ezra to Aria, and then down to his broken wrist. "What the hell did you do?"
Ezra pushed his house key into the lock and looked over at Elijah. "Punched a wall. Hardy got in the way."
Elijah nodded. He looked over at Aria and she stared back at him. He looked a lot like Dr. Sullivan, but he had the same piercing blue eyes that Ezra and Ethan shared.
"Aria, right?"
She nodded slowly. Elijah extended a hand towards her.
"Elijah Fitz."
Aria extended a tentative hand and shook his. He smiled at her and then walked over to the door as Ezra pushed it open and walked inside the house. Aria stepped up behind Ezra and wrapped her hands around his arm, leaning up to his ear.
"Z? I thought we got away from that nickname."
Ezra chuckled, tilting his head back to look at her from the corner of his eye. "Who do you think came up with it?"
They walked into the house and Aria pushed the door shut behind her. Elijah dropped his bag next to the couch and dropped down onto it. Aria looked between the two boys and then back to Ezra.
"I'm gonna go write a novel or something."
She walked out of the room and left Ezra standing there. He looked down at Elijah for an awkward moment before walking to the kitchen with what was left of his coffee. He grabbed a mug from one of the cupboards and then poured the latte into it and tossed the paper cup it had been in, into the trash. Elijah walked in the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge before hopping up onto the counter. He twisted the cap off and tossed it into the trash before taking a drink from the bottle. "So do you want to tell me why mom and dad both told me to stay out of Rosewood until the end of the semester?"
Ezra shook his head, looking up at his younger brother. "You obviously don't listen very well as it is, so why should I bother?"
"Because the last time I had to do something because of you, I was holding a shirt to your bleeding wrist. So tell me why I'm supposed to be in New York right now?" Elijah insisted.
"You want the easy answer?" Ezra asked. "Go home and study for your damn finals unless you want to flunk out of college."
Elijah chuckled. "You'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd love for everyone to leave and stay out of everything that goes on in your head. Tell me, does she know what's going on here?" He pointed towards the hallway.
Ezra gripped the mug in his hand tightly. "You certainly do like to push buttons-"
"I'm not an idiot, Ezra!" Elijah scolded. "Mom's being dodgy, dad tells me to stay in New York. I called Hardy and when he couldn't tell me anything, I buried enough of my hate to e-mail Jackie, and she called me back and told me that you guys think that guy is back in town!"
"Then why the hell did you come home!" Ezra yelled. Elijah hopped down off the counter. Flat on their feet, he and Ezra stood head-to-head. There was no height difference between them, and they each had the ability to carry the rage that they knew so well from the Fitz side of the family, but Ezra carried his mother's passive ways much more heavily than Elijah did. While Elijah was always quick to argue, Ezra preferred to be clear with his words without actually getting into a shouting match.
"Because I don't want to get a phone call two weeks from now telling me that you're in the hospital, or worse; dead," Elijah finally said. "Tell me, Z; is that what I have to look forward to? Am I going to get a phone call next week telling me that something's happened to you?"
Ezra shook his head. He wanted to yell at Elijah for so many different things, but he knew he couldn't answer the question his brother was asking him with full certainty. Especially not after the conversation he'd had with Aria the night before.
"I don't know what's going to happen next week," he said after a few moments. "All I know is that our parents think that this guy isn't finished with what he's done, and they think he's back in town. But you know Ethan. He's always got a plan up his sleeve."
Elijah nodded slowly. Ezra could tell he wanted to push the subject more, but he seemed to let it slide away. After a moment, he spoke again. "So you're speaking to him again?"Ezra rolled his eyes, leaning back against the counter behind him as he took a sip from his mug. "Can't really avoid him when we're staying in the same house. I'm more surprised by the fact that our parents haven't torn each others eyes out yet, though."Elijah chuckled. "I suppose this is going to make for an interesting weekend, eh?"
Ezra nodded. "You should've been here last night. I swear mom actually laughed when da- Ethan told this story about this drug addict he picked up-""Yeah, yeah!" Ethan laughed. "The one who started doing pirouettes in the holding cell and saying he was the Easter bunny!"
-
Each shadow I walk
To the edge of the forest
-
The surprised mood that covered Dr. Sullivan's home when the adults started returning back to the house slowly began to fade as conversation bloomed across the household. Elijah brought with him a lively attitude, and a cheerfulness spread throughout the home as they talked about what everyone had been up to, though they left out a few key details for Aria and Ezra.
Questions that Ella and Byron had been burning to ask for days finally were asked, as well as a few things that Aria also wondered. Pictures of Elijah and Ezra as kids emerged, and with them came stories of a time when the Sullivan-Fitz family wasn't so broken.
Aria giggled as she stared down at a photo of Ezra. He couldn't have been more than two, but he stood in front of the fridge, arms and legs spread wide in nothing more than a diaper with his eyes and mouth wide open.
"Y'know, I remember taking that photo," Ethan said with a laugh. "He wasn't even talking yet, but my parents were in Manhattan for the weekend for a visit, and we were trying to get the house ready.""Right!" Anne said with a chuckle. "Ezra spilled grape juice down the white t-shirt I'd put on him. I'd gone to get some clean clothes for him, and your parents showed up, and he adored his grandfather."
Aria laughed, resting her hand on Ezra's thigh as she looked over at him. He smiled back at her and turned the page.
"So why do I keep hearing that Elijah is the 'Fitz family extraordinaire,'" Byron asked, tucking his phone into his pocket as he came to sit down next to Ella.
Ethan and Anne exchanged a look and laughed.
"Those two boys have had a rivalry for as long as I can remember,' Anne said. "Anything that Ezra could do, Eli always wanted to be able to do it better.""That's not true!" Elijah insisted.
Ezra glared up at him, pointing his left index finger at him. "It is true! I broke the school record for men's breast stroke in swimming sophomore, junior, and senior year.""And Eli broke it all four years," Anne said.
Ezra nodded, looking over at her. "I got the best score senior year for cross country and took first place all-state in track and field senior and junior year."
"Eli topped all three scores and won both junior and senior year," Ethan said.
"They are the epitome of 'anything you can do, I can do better'," Anne laughed.
"Thank god he's a phys. Ed major," Ezra said distastefully. "Otherwise I'm sure he'd aim to be published before me and be rated higher."
"C'mon!" Elijah feigned a cry. "You can't not aim high in this family. Mom was published at 26, dad was a detective before he was thirty; hell Ezra graduated at seventeen and then spent six months interning at HarperCollins."
Ezra chuckled. "That's right. I did manage to beat you when it came to graduating high school."
"Alright, boys," Anne insisted. "Retract your claws and get some plates set out. Dinner should be here shortly."
Ezra took the photo album and flipped it shut before moving out of his chair and walking over to the counter. He settled the photo album down and then grabbed a stack of paper plates and settled them in front of chairs at the table while Elijah retrieved glasses from the cupboard and handed them out.
"Ella, Byron, would you like any wine?" Anne asked as she retrieved a bottle from a liquor cabinet on the other side of the room. "It's cabernet."
"Sure," Ella murmured as she settled into the chair opposite to Aria's side that Ezra had been sitting. Elijah settled wine glasses in front of Ella and Byron, and then placed a glass in front of Aria before walked over to the fridge. He pulled out several two liter bottles of soda and settled them on the table before sitting down in the chair across from Aria's. He picked up one of the bottles and poured it into his glass.
"So, Aria. How does a sixteen year old talk my do-gooder twenty-two year older brother into falling in love with him?" Elijah asked.
Ella and Byron all gaped at Elijah. Ezra walked up behind him and smacked him on the back of the head.
"What?" Elijah whined. "It's an honest question!"
Aria shook her head and laughed as she poured herself a glass of root beer. "I went to get something to eat. We met at Snookers. I might've let him think I was older than I was."
Ezra tilted his head towards her and raised an eyebrow at her. "Might have? You let me assume you were an English major at Hollis. My exact words when I saw you in my class room the next morning were-"
"Holy crap," Aria said, smiling at him. "Are you going to say you regret it?"Ezra laughed quietly and shook his head at her. "I'm not answering that question."
The doorbell rang a moment later, and he popped up out of the chair. "Saved by the doorbell!"
Aria chuckled as he walked out of the room. Elijah followed after him. They returned to the room a few moments later, each carrying two boxes of pizza. They settled the boxes along the table and then Ethan cut the tops off of each of them before tossing them off to the side.
"Dig in!" He said as he settled back into a chair next to Elijah.
They were all quiet for a few minutes as they started eating. After a bit of silence, Aria broke the silence.
"So if you're a PE major, what're you in school for?" She asked.
Elijah swallowed down a bite of pizza and then settled the remaining piece on the plate in front of him. "I want to be an athletic director. Turns out all those sports I competed in to surpass all of Ezra's accomplishments actually gave me a passion for it all. That, and running is a lot healthier than punching walls."
He turned towards Ezra and glared at him as he spoke the last sentence, and Ezra glared back at him with equal vigor.
"So you don't have any passion to write a book?" Aria questioned.
Elijah laughed. "I don't even want to read a book that isn't absolutely mandatory for reading in order to make a grade, let alone write one. I think if I ever do read an actual book ever again, it'll be his."
Ezra blushed as he took a drink from the glass of water he'd gotten himself.
"Supportive family," Aria teased, poking Ezra in the ribs.
Anne nodded, taking a sip from her glass of wine. "We may be a little pulled apart at the seams, but we're there when it counts."
-
Calling on St. Christopher
Gonna need some help tonight
-
"Want some cocoa?"
Aria looked up from the journal she held in her hands over at Ezra as he came into the room. He walked over to her and handed her one of the mugs.
"What've you got there?" He furrowed his brow and sat down on the bed behind him. "And why do you look like you've been crying."
Aria shook her head, closing the journal and placing it up on the desk along with the mug. "I came in here to lay down cause I had a headache, but I couldn't sleep, and I was gonna write a little bit, but then I realized it was your journal. I know I shouldn't have started reading, but…"
Ezra grabbed her hand and pulled her up off the chair and onto the bed. He pulled her legs up into his lap and brushed a hand across her cheek.
"That journal is from last year," he murmured. "Those words are old."
Aria's bottom lip trembled as more tears ran down her face. "But the things you wrote are real. I don't know if it hurts more that I understand it, or that it's you that wrote those words. I keep trying to partition all these thoughts in my own head, and it's killing me knowing that you're dealing with the things you are. I can't stand it."
Ezra opened his mouth to say something and then paused and shook his head. "This is why I didn't want to tell you about all of this. I didn't want you worrying about me when you're trying to heal."Aria whimpered as he reached up and cupped his face in her hands. "You are not a burden to me, Ezra. But I'm scared that when this guy finally decides to strike, that he's going to put you right back where you were the last time you had to suffer at his hand. I'm afraid that, for as much as you have all around you, it's not going to be enough to pull you back from the edge."
Ezra tilted his head up and pressed his lips to her forehead. "I promise you, I will use every bit of willpower I have to see that that doesn't happen. I'm not going to leave you, Aria."
"What if promises aren't enough?" She murmured softly, looking up at him. "I know you mean well and you're determined and all of that, but I know what you're feeling." She pressed her hand to his chest, feeling his heart pound in his chest. "I hate thinking about it, but I realize that something bad could happen before this is all said and done, and it could hurt you really bad."
Ezra rested his hand over hers and squeezed it gently. "Nothing is going to keep me from coming back to you, alright? If you can't trust anything right now, then trust in that. I promise you that."
Aria exhaled a sigh. She wasn't entirely sure that he was right, but pushing the subject was unavailing.
"C'mere," Ezra murmured as he moved back on the bed. He laid down on the bed and offered her the room to lie down next to him. Aria did so, and rested her head on his shoulder, wrapping her arm across his waist. She closed her eyes and inhaled deep breaths of his scent as she closed her eyes.
Aria looked up at Grady, giggling. "N-no, I should find Hanna."
"Hanna left with Emily," Holden said, wrapping an arm under her so she didn't fall down the steps.
Aria nodded, waving a finger up at him as she struggled to plant her feet on the step she was trying to stand up straight on. "Right. Which means Spencer is going to need your help." She patted his shoulder. "I'll be alright."
"I'll make sure she gets home," Grady insisted, pulling Aria's arm around his neck as he stepped up and took Holden's place. "It's on my way anyway."
Aria shot up from the bed, her entire upper body shaking as she sucked in gasps of air. Hands pulled at her arms and she screamed, trying to break free of their hold.
"Whoa, hey!" Ezra cooed from behind her, sitting up. He cupped one hand around the side of her head while the other stayed wrapped around her waist as he kissed the top of her head. "It's just me."
Aria looked up at him and then began to weep, gripping his arm as she buried her face in his shoulder. He rubbed gentle circles on her back, whispering soothing words to her as he gently rocked her back and forth. He made no move to try and tell her to calm down, but instead told her repeatedly that things would be okay, and let her shed the tears that she needed to.
After a long while, she began to grow tired from the crying, and her sobs faded to hiccups and soft sniffles. She slowly lulled back down and then let him soothe her into a fitful sleep. She rolled onto her stomach, facing away from Ezra. He pulled the blanket at the end of the bed up around her body and then pressed a kiss to the side of her head before moving quietly off the bed. He snatched a pair of jogging pants from the floor and changed into them before removing his watch and heading out of the room.
He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a fresh mug from the counter. He filled it with steaming coffee and then stirred in the proper amount of cream and sugar for his taste before walking out onto the back deck. Anne stood near the edge of it with her arms crossed. She donned a thick taupe shawl over her shoulders as she watched squirrels and raccoons scurry across the yard after each other.
She looked over as Ezra came to stand next to her. She smiled at him and reached up, brushing her hand down the back of his head. He looked over at her and forced a small smile.
"Aria have a nightmare?" She asked.
Ezra nodded, taking a sip form his cup of coffee. "I love that girl, but I hate sleeping next to her. She doesn't need my screaming to add to hers."
"Is that why you barely sleep?" Anne asked him. "You're afraid of her seeing you scream in your sleep?""She already has," Ezra explained. He looked over at his mother. "It's not fair. I'm supposed to be helping her through what she has to deal with right now, not the other way around. She shouldn't have to be worrying about whether some psycho is going to try and jump me. She should be focused on healing."
"With your help, right?" Anne asked.
Ezra nodded.
Anne nodded as well. "But don't you deserve the same things, EJ? Don't you deserve to have the one person you trust most be there for you to help you through this? Shouldn't you be afforded the same things she is while you're healing?"
Ezra shook his head, turning his head to look down at the picnic table next to him. He settled the mug on it and crossed his arms over his chest. "Its not fair, mom. This wasn't supposed to happen – not to her." He looked over at Anne. "Tell me how this isn't supposed to be my fault, because I can't see it."
Anne stepped towards him and rested her hand on the back of his head again. "Ezra, there's no way you could have known this would happen. Even in a perfect world where all the pieces fell into place, and Aria got home on time, there's no knowing what that boy would've done. She could've been targeted just as badly as you were."
"Why?" Ezra strained past the knot forming in his throat. "She's never done anything wrong. She's never hurt anyone on purpose. She's the total opposite of most girls her age. Why was it her that he went after?"
"Why her? Or why you?" Anne asked him.
Ezra stared at her for a moment before he nodded. "Yeah. Why me? What did I ever do? I followed all the campus rules to a T. I made sure all the people on my floor did the same. I didn't go out after curfew, and I made sure everything was locked. So why me?"
Anne shook her head at him, frowning. "I don't know, sweetheart. I'm asked that question repeatedly every year, and I could give you the technical jargon that they feed to us in med school, but I know it's not the answer you're looking for. To be honest with you, I'm not sure even your attacker could give you an honest answer that would suddenly make everything make sense and be better. You and I both know that rape is all about control, and we can talk about how it's not fair until we're blue in the face, but that won't change what's already happened."
"Then tell me how I'm supposed to understand this," he begged. "Tell me how I'm supposed to apply this to my life in a way that makes it easier."She shook her head again. "I don't think you are." She said. "I don't think there's a quick fix that's going to suddenly make it right, and suddenly make things understandable. I think that with time, and talking and healthy ways of coping, you learn to deal, and learn how to put it behind you in the right way.""I tried doing that," Ezra muttered, trying to gulp past the knot in his throat. "It didn't work."
"No," Anne disagreed. "You pushed it around into different places so that you wouldn't have to deal with it. But you can't keep moving things around in your life to make it fit somewhere else, Ezra. Eventually you're going to have to face what's trying to stand right in front of you, because it'll stop fitting in other places. Eventually it's going to glare at you right in the face, if it hasn't already. You need to be able to open yourself up to that when it happens so it doesn't eat you alive like it did last time."
His chest caved several times as he struggled to hold his emotions together. "Do you have any idea how painful it is just to go through one day feeling like you're too damaged to be helped? Like someone has tainted you with their touch, and nothing you do can take it away? I can't handle living like that again. It makes me physically ill to even be in my own skin. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror, or even associate with the thoughts that run through my head when I think about the body I'm in and the things that I've done with it."
Anne shook her head again. "You didn't do those things, Ezra. They were forced on you. And that doesn't make you weak or pathetic or worthless. It means that someone used your own disadvantage against you in a very sick and demeaning way because they wanted control."
Ezra stared hard down at the ground, and Anne knew she hadn't gotten through to him. She exhaled a frustrated sigh and gently squeezed the back of his neck.
"Look, I'm not saying you have to talk to me, or even that you have to see a therapist if you don't want to. Therapy doesn't work for everyone. But you might find that with a few tools at your disposal, that some healthy coping skills will help you to deal with what's been put on your plate. And you've got a multitude of people around you, ready and wiling to help if you'll let them; even your father."Ezra forced a laugh, looking back up at Anne. "Why should I give him the time of day, or even the satisfaction? He told me I-""I know what he told you," Anne insisted. "And while I fully understand if you decide to never forgive your father for that comment, I also understand that he's cleaned up his act and is clean and sober, and he's here and willing to help. Your father loves you, Ezra. He always has. All he wants now is to be a part of your and Elijah's lives. He's not even asking you to give him an open door. He's just asking you to leave it unlocked."
Ezra shook his head. "I don't know if I can do that, mom. It feels like every time we try and let him in, he just slams the door shut, and after everything that's happened, I don't know if I can trust that he won't do it again."Anne nodded, understanding. "Well maybe after all this is over and done, you'll feel differently. I know there's nothing more that your father wants right now that to find a way to keep you and Elijah and even Aria safe."She looked down at the watch on her wrist and then leaned forward and kissed the side of Ezra's head. "It's getting late. I'm going to head in. You coming?"Ezra nodded. He picked up his coffee cup and followed her into the house. He walked over to the sink and dumped what he hadn't drunk of his coffee while Anne locked the door and then headed to the sitting room to make sure the front door was locked as well. She returned to the kitchen a moment later, and then walked down the hall behind Ezra. He waved to her as he stepped into the bedroom and closed the door gently behind him.
He walked over to the bed and pulled off his jogging pants before slipping beneath the blankets next to Aria. She rolled into him and draped her arm over his chest. He felt wetness on his shirt almost immediately, and turned her head gently, looking for blood. Instead, he found himself chuckling softly as he wiped away the small amount of drool that had run out the side of her mouth.
Aria groaned and opened her eyes. She looked up at him. "Hmm?"
Ezra shook his head at her, smiling. "Nothing. Just go back to sleep."