The flight is long and Blair tries to sleep but she's restless and ends up pacing the cabin of the airplane and asking the flight attendants for multiple snacks and drinking a gin and tonic to clam her nerves. She's tired and hates the way the cabin makes her skin feel dry and tight, and she can't get Dan off her mind, and she wishes she had just one xanax to help take the edge off.

Dorota had packed just a carry on. Blair told her she could buy anything she needed once she got there. She'd called her mom and asked if Cyrus could call and have the Rose apartment available earlier than expected, then she was in the town car and on her way to the airport.

Another airport. Blair made her way down the concourse in Rome, her bag rolling behind her. She found a taxi outside then gave them directions to the apartment and leaned back against the seat, the vinyl sticking to the back of her legs. It was hot and she fanned herself with a pamphlet she'd grabbed from a kiosk.

The apartment was just a few blocks from the Piazza di Spagna, and when Blair pushed the door open she found it sparsely furnished and very European. The ceilings were high and there was a small balcony with a table and two chairs. She left her carryon in the hallway and walked around, her shoes clicking on the hardwood floor. The kitchen was small and the refrigerator had been stocked for her. There were fresh flowers on the marble counter, a bottle of Italian wine and a note from Cyrus telling her to enjoy her stay.

It wasn't a big apartment, only one bedroom, and Blair found the bed to be to her liking, adorned with crisp white cotton sheets that felt good on her fingers, a duvet turned down and another vase of flowers on the bedside table. Cyrus had also mentioned that there was a Vespa in the garage downstairs and Blair thought that would be a great way to explore the city one day.

This would do. It was actually quite perfect.

She unpacked her clothes, which didn't take long since she'd brought so few, then headed out to the balcony with a glass of wine to sit and watch the people walking by below.

Blair grabbed her cell phone and decided it was probably time to turn it on. She'd turned it off for the flight and figured her mom would start to get nervous if she wasn't able to reach her. Despite being an absent parent in so many ways, Eleanor always wanted Blair to call when she reached her destination.

The screen on the phone flickered and Blair set it down on the table and took another sip of her wine. Then the phone vibrated and Blair picked it up to see a slew of text messages had come in. She closed her eyes because she knew who they were from.

She'd been trying to pretend this was the vacation she'd been planning, not an escape from things she couldn't handle.

...call me...

...where are you, getting worried...

...Dorota told me, please call me...

...I don't know what to say...

Neither did Blair.

Blair sat, staring at her phone, and part of her knew that this would hurt Dan, and another part of her wanted to hurt Dan. In so many ways she was still hanging by a thread, waiting for everything to fall apart and the only way she could stay sane was to dictate the confines of her relationship with Dan, to be the one who decided how it happened and when it would progress, and in one single moment he had violated that and Blair was suddenly cut loose from everything that she felt was safe.

Why couldn't he have kept his mouth shut.

It wasn't like she didn't love him. She did. She loved him to the point that it hurt sometimes. And she knew he loved her. But it was really fucked up and although she'd found a way to be around him, she had never been able to find a way to make all of the pain and betrayal better. It never left her, stayed with her, forming a lump in her throat, never allowing her to fully let go.

If this was what it was like loving someone, Blair wished she'd never fallen in love with Dan Humphrey in the first place. Maybe she would have been better with Louie or even Chuck. She somehow always been able to keep them at arms distance. Or maybe she would have just been better off alone.

She closed her eyes and she saw his face, eyes dilated, looking into hers and she remembered how his body had shuddered as he uttered those words that had changed everything, and Blair wondered if love would ever be enough for her.

Blair picked up her phone and looked at it for a long moment, then she decided she would send a text back, short and simple, just because she knew how it felt to be left behind and have no idea what was going on.

...okay. need some time...

She wondered if she would ever not need time. It was starting to feel like it might be better to walk away and deal with the pain, that things had gotten too complicated and even if she never loved someone like she'd loved Dan, she might be able to find some kind of happiness.

Blair smiled wryly. She'd tried that with Louie, and look where it had gotten her.

The sun was getting high in the sky and Blair felt tired and nothing sounded better than to sink into that bed, the sheets crisp against her skin and let herself sleep, but she knew she'd pay later so she decided to pull out her comfortable yet stylish walking sandals and head out to explore a little bit of Rome. Maybe it would get her mind off things.

She returned to the apartment hours later, her body aching from walking and begging for sleep. Blair didn't eat any dinner, just stumbled to the relief of the bed, leaving her clothes in an uncharacteristic pile on the floor and not even bothering to put on her nightgown, enjoying the coolness of the sheets on her skin. She felt herself start to float away as sleep claimed her and if she hadn't been so exhausted she would have felt annoyed that the last thing she thought of before she finally slumbered was Dan.

Dammit.

The morning sun was bright and it woke Blair up and she made a mental note to buy a sleep mask. There was some clinking from the kitchen, and Blair, startled, grabbed the duvet and pulled it up to cover her naked body, then grabbed her clothes from the previous day and threw them on. She peered around the doorjamb toward the kitchen and saw an elderly wrinkled Italian woman puttering around the kitchen. Blair let out a sigh of relief and she did remember Cyrus telling her that there would be a maid at her service, an Italian Dorota. Blair cleared her throat and the woman looked up and Blair gave her a little wave then retreated back to the bedroom. She emerged later having showered and wearing a comfortable dress and sandals to find breakfast, poached eggs on toast and strong Italian coffee, waiting on the balcony and the woman nowhere to be found.

Blair could get used to this.

She decided she would walk again that day and armed herself with a map and a water bottle, a messenger bag to carry things in and sunglasses, then headed out to the ancient streets of Rome.

She walked and walked, taking in all the history and culture around her. It wasn't like Blair hadn't been to Europe before, but it had always been with someone, her family, or Serena, and it was nice to be entirely on her own terms. She ate gelato and drank strong coffee and ate bruschetta sitting at a table in an outdoor cafe in the afternoon. She went to a bookstore and picked up something to read and promised herself that when she got home she would learn Italian, then she remembered that Dan spoke Italian, and for a moment Blair felt sad and a little alone. She shook it off, leaving the bookstore, putting her sunglasses on and heading toward the apartment. It was late afternoon and she wanted to crawl back into that wonderful bed and take a nap.

Blair pushed the apartment door open and she heard some noises from the kitchen and she thought that whoever Cyrus had hired was truly excellent.

"Ciao!" Blair called out, not wanting to repeat the surprise of the morning. She threw down her bag down on the couch and headed to the bedroom to freshen up, splashing a little water on her face, then headed back out to the living area, mentally trying to figure out how to ask what was for dinner in her halting Italian when she froze.

It wasn't the maid.

Dan was standing in the middle of the room. Blair blinked, like if she could just shut her eyes and open them again Dan Humphrey wouldn't be standing in the middle of the room watching her warily, with obvious trepidation. But he was still there when she opened her eyes, looiking exhausted and rumpled, dark circles under his eyes, like he'd been flying all night and Blair realized that he probably had been. He looked down at the ground briefly then back up at her.

"Hi, Blair."

What the hell?

Blair took a step backwards, her mouth open, unable to think of anything to say. Dan took a step toward her, his hand extended, as if he was about to explain.

"No." Blair whispered. She had left to get away from him and everything he symbolized and here he was standing in front of her, and this was a major violation of their terms.

"I can't do this anymore," Dan said quietly. "I had to follow you, to find a way to finish this."

Finish? Blair gulped. Is that what she wanted to happen, to be finished?

"It doesn't make anything different if you run away," Dan continued. "I know this. I tried it and it fucked everything up."

That was a well-established fact in their relationship.

"I know why you left."

"You..you do?" Blair stammered.

"I do," Dan said emphatically. "and I can't keep doing this. I can't live my life being terrified that the moment I tell you the truth that you'll walk away."

Blair was silent.

"I love you."

The statement hung between them in the empty room. Blair could hear the sounds of people walking by and the rumble of a motor scooter on the street.

"I will never stop loving you. I would marry you right now if you wanted that. I want to build a life with you. I want children and to grow old. I don't want just friendship or fuck buddies. I want more. I want you."

He'd said those words before.

Blair felt the wood doorjamb on her back and she hadn't realized that she had been backing up. It was cold on her back. Dan was closer to her, not even a foot separating them. She thought she could reach out and touch him and this might all be over, but Blair couldn't will herself to move.

"You keep telling me that love isn't enough," Dan said softly. "I get that. I get that I fucked up. But honestly, Blair, at this point love is all I have left to offer. I don't know what else to do."

"Dan," Blair croaked, feeling like she was being torn into a million tiny pieces with his words.

"No," he spit out, his voice suddenly sharp and a little forceful. "I've rehearsed this a million times and I need to finish."

Blair closed her mouth and just watched him. He took a deep breath and started talking again.

"I'm done, Blair. Whatever we're doing, it's not working. I'm not leaving, I said I never would do that again, but I also can't stay here any longer, in limbo, waiting for you to be ready."

Tears were starting to flow down Blair's cheeks as she stared at him.

"When you're ready, you know where to find me."

Dan closed the distance between them, he took her face in his hands and just looked at her for a long minute, like he was trying to memorize her every feature. Then his head dipped and he captured her mouth in a kiss that Blair would remember her entire life. It was bittersweet and the past year and a half flashed before her eyes. All the love and anger and betrayal mixed together and Blair started to sob against his lips.

"No."

Dan broke the kiss and his hands released her face and he traced a tear that slid down her face.

"I'm sorry." he whispered. Then he was gone and Blair was alone, standing in the Rome apartment that had seemed so perfect earlier. She felt her body start to shake and she slid down the doorjamb onto the hard wood floor, hugging her knees to her chest and rocking and wishing she wasn't so far away from home, and he name was on her lips, echoing in the empty room, ripped from somewhere deep inside her. She felt her heart start to crack, and it wasn't like it hadn't been broken before, but this time felt different, deep. Blair's hand went to her mouth and she bit down on her knuckle to keep herself from screaming into the empty room.

...Dan. No, please no...

tbc