Chapter 10: A fire that will never burn out
JPOV
The second he phases I attack his mind. Aggressively, too aggressively... I know...but it is not like it's uncalled for! He owes me an explanation!
Because Embry is a lying son of a bitch!
Liar!
Embry is fucking a liar!
Embry lied to me!
My mind has chanted this, over and over again as I waited for them to reappear for HOURS in the fucking rain.
For how long? For how long have I've been deceived? For how long has he been sneaking away with Leah, my...my Beta?
Do they think I'm blind? Stupid? That I haven't noticed the looks that have been cast between the two of them for the past weeks, like they are sharing something, something only they know about.
Leah is my Beta. She should be sharing secrets with me, having looks like that with me!
Last night I really wanted to talk to Leah, only to find her missing yet again. Seth claimed she was out clubbing.
When the hell did she start going out like that, almost every third night? What's wrong with the pack's company? My company?
With the person I needed, no wanted to talk to missing I went to the next best thing. Embry. He had told everyone that he was grounded. What else was new? I decided it would be time to let his mom know about him being a shapeshifter, so he would be released from this ever on going grounding, only to find out that he wasn't at home! He lied. Why?! Embry has never lied before. To anyone! And now he had lied to me!
I called him. No answer.
Where the hell was he? Why the fuck was he lying? It made no sense!
I ran the entire perimeter, I ran over Sam's territory trying to find any trace of Embry. And sure enough, I could find Embry's fresh scent on one of the old trails through the woods leading to the outskirts of Sam's territory, to no-mans land. There, on one of the back-roads leading nowhere in particular was, not just Embry's scent, but Leah's as well! A scent disappearing into the smell of gasoline – paired with wheel tracks. Leah's car... I know her wheel tracks anywhere. I'm her mechanic.
They had gone somewhere together? Embry with Leah? What?! Why?!
I couldn't think of a single good reason for why Embry is with Leah in secret! For why he is lying to his Alpha! Lying to his best friend!
Doesn't this give me the right to do what I'm doing?
Yes it does!
Embry's thoughts aren't as blank as they usually are. He wants me to see this?! Or is he afraid of me? He damn right should be! Lying like that..
I dig mercilessly into Embry's thoughts and find a memory of Leah, sitting on his sofa.
When did Leah start to visit him? I don't like that. She NEVER visits me!
'I wanted to ask you something, you want to come to Seattle with me?' memory-Leah is asking and I notice her hand on his asking this question. Holding his hand!
It's obvious Embry is trying to push something away, something he doesn't want me to see. He thinks he can hide something from me? Let's see about that! But I forget to dissect this any further as soon as I snatch a hold of some other words Embry is trying to keep from me, coming from Leah's soft lips: 'I trust you.'
She trusts HIM!
What's wrong with trusting ME?
A burning white heat surges through me instantly, so furiously that Embry's hackles stand up.
I scan on without acknowledging my aggressive behavior. Why should I? Its not like he doesn't deserve this kind of treatment! He is the one who lied to me!
Then Embry's memory is of a car ride, feeling of excitement. Leah in a summer dress - looking gorgeous! I growl, Embry shouldn't be looking at her like that! Thinking of her like that!
A quick change into a picture of Leah dancing to blazing music. But something is off with this image.
Doesn't he think I recognize a fantasy of Leah when I see one?! I have had plenty myself, although they are a bit, no, a lot more graphic than Embry's dance-fantasy. Is he for real?! He fantasizes about Leah dancing? I almost laugh because it's so typical Embry to be a fucking gentleman even in his fantasizes... Or...GOD DAMMIT! Is this a cover-up for some other scene, a scene he wants to keep from me? Is the bastard trying to hide something?! Has he put his hands around her while dancing? Is this what he is hiding? Has he touched her?!
I don't even notice my teeth are bared and I'm snarling until Embry lowers his head. His mental pictures changes instantly.
They are now talking in the car, words coming from Leah that I want to know, need to know, but this is when Embry directs his thoughts straight towards me, for the first time acknowledging what I am doing in his mind: "Jake, I can't betray what Leah said, it was in confidence, its not for me to tell."
WHAT THE FUCK?!! Leah tells Embry things she won't tell ME!
I want to put an Alpha command on Embry demanding he reveals all. I don't. For a brief hundred of a second I contemplate it, but am able to control myself, enough to make me think better of it. I back off, but I feel in my gut that something is amiss, something is held back, something is not as it should be!
Embry is my friend I remind myself, he is my friend...friend. This little voice in my heart that my fury stifled moments ago, grows stronger and stronger, making it impossible for me to ignore the truth in my heart. Embry is my friend, has always been, will always be. He won't hurt me like that, stealing my heart away from me! He won't... He won't! Right?
But I'm not going to apologize for what I was doing in his mind. Hell no! I won't even admit it. But we both know, just like how I know the secret of his heart, like he knows mine.
Embry's mind might always be a mystery for the rest of the packs, but I see the same signs he showed as a kid around his "Angel". The blushing, the stuttering, the glowing of his face when she is near, how he hangs on to her every word - trying not to show it. But it is written all over his face what her smile, looks, words do to him, the secret invisible mark of "his angel"tattooed all over his heart, showing on his face.
I never thought much of his secret crush, I didn't care, because he was just Embry and she was Leah Clearwater and I was Jacob Black! But now...now...Leah with him...I don't understand... She should...
Could there be something in Embry that she is looking for? It's not like I'm not aware of the great qualities in Embry, and maybe, maybe Leah wants that after what Sam did to her? Embry would never hurt her, would be incapable of it. If Embry was to be trapped by this motherfucking curse I know he might just do what Sam couldn't.
I don't respect Sam at all, Embry I do respect, because I suspect if he could be with his Angel - which he never is going to be! - he would never ever leave her for THIS. Embry would rather hurt himself to the point of killing himself, before hurting his "Angel".
God dammit! Leah isn't an Angel, definitely not his angel! She is my fucking WARRIOR-PRINCESS!
If she wants to sit in a car at 5.30 am opening up her heart it should be with me, her Alpha!
Right?! I mean, that is what Beta's should do. Confide in their Alpha's!
Leah should go out with me, talk with me, laugh with me, dance with me!
What is wrong with trusting me?
Why hasn't she turned to me? Asked me to come with her? Talk with her? Listen to her? Dance with her? Touch her?
I want to do that for her! What has Embry got that I don't have? It's not...Leah is...Embry...NO!
I had a plan! A good one. Her becoming my Beta...well that was just the first step on the way...
We were slowly growing closer in the first months of our renegade pack. We shared our thoughts and emotions with each other. She opened up parts of her heart and I started to open up mine, parts I had closed on one of the worst day of my life five years ago.
*Flashback *
I have counted down the months for an entire year now, marking them on the calender in the garage. There is only two months and eleven days left until Leah turns sixteen. I know she will have a big birthday party, she always has, and I have the best gift for her ever!
I'm going to ask her to be my girlfriend!
I close my eyes and drift off, the noises of the school cafeteria becoming a comfortable buzz in the background.
Leah will appear at the top of the stairs in a white summer dress, the one she had on last year on Rebecca's and Rachel's sweet sixteen. The one that made her boobs and legs show much better than the jeans and tops she wears to school.I like that dress! And when I threw a water-balloon on her it became see-through!
Her black hair will fan behind her as she dances down the stairs. Her eyes glisten looking at me, her soft pink lips smiling at me! I will hug her tight, squeezing her body to mine – maybe even feeling her boobs press against me! Oh yeah!
Then I will tell her that I have a surprise gift for her, but that she can only get it if she follows me outside. She will grab my hand, and pull me outside. When we are alone I will run my fingers through her hair, she'll sigh and close her eyes and then I'll kiss her!
After we have kissed for a while I will ask her to be my girlfriend and she will beam happily saying: 'Oh Jake, I wanted you to ask me for so long!' and we will kiss again. She will say that this is her best birthday ever and I am her best birthday gift! Then we will walk in together holding hands and everybody will be jealous of me because I'm the one dating Leah!
I open my eyes. There she is! My Princess! She is standing in the cafeteria line smiling and waving. I wave back, but she doesn't seem to see it... Huh? She wasn't waving to me?
Maybe she is waving to Becca or Rach? I turn my head and look behind me.
But no, it's a guy. Ugh, I know that one. It's Uley. He gets a stupid grin on his face, a grin I really would like to wipe away. He gets up and...
What?! What is he doing? He is hugging her?!
"Aw Leah and Sam are like the perfect couple." I hear one of the girls to my right say looking dreamy-eyed.
"What are you talking about?!" I hiss glaring at her.
"Oh! It's so romantic, you know, they were on a date on Friday and he's like crazy about her!"
I can't believe what I'm hearing. It's obvious this is just another piece of untrue gossip!
"Leah isn't allowed to date until she turns sixteen!" I tell the gossiping girl hoping this will shut her trap and keep her from coming up with lies about my girl!
"Yeah, but you know Leah! If she wants to do something she makes sure she can do it. She got her mom to convince her dad that she could start dating! And Sam Uley, he is so cool. He's like the most popular guy. I wish I was Leah!" she sighs not letting go of her lies. Sam Uley is not cool!
"Liar!" I wheeze to her and push out of my seat. I will sort this out! She is not dating Uley and Harry would never let her, when he knows that I want to date her. He told me that she can't date until she is sixteen and Harry is a man of his words! I know that!
I stalk up to the still stupidly grinning Uley and Leah, who is smiling for an unknown reason. He still has his fingers touching her waist. He can't touch her like that! Harry will kill him if he knows! Leah should punch him in the face for that! I could do it! I will do it if he doesn't take his hands off her!
"Leah!" I greet shooting a murderous glare at Uley. "I need to talk to you!" I say and grab Leah's hand pulling her out of Uley's sweaty grip.
"Jake! What are you doing?"
"It's important! We have to talk NOW!" I command and tug her towards me again trying to drag her out in to the hallway. She lets out a laugh and turns to Uley: "I'll talk to you later."
"So what's so important?" she asks as we step out into the deserted hallway.
"There are rumors spread about you!" I start. And the way she is acting those rumors will just get worse! She has to stop smiling and talking to Uley!
"Really?" she asks looking a little curious. "Like what?"
"Like you're dating Sam Uley!"
Leah giggles. "Isn't it amazing! He asked me out last week and I got mom and dad to let me go out with him and now we are together!" she squeals.
What?!!
"It's true?" I whisper. I must have heard wrong. She is probably kidding me, trying to make me jealous, so I will tell her that I love her and want to go out with her! That must be it!
"Yes!" she nods. "Oh Jake! I really like him! We had so much fun on the date, it was like the perfect date!" she smiles.
It was not! I wasn't there, how could it be perfect when it wasn't me and her?! I feel furious. If this is her way of testing my love it's not a fun test at all.
"Lee! I want to be your boyfriend!" I say.
"Jake... You're just a kid, you're three years younger than me. I'm fifteen and you're twelve. We can't date!" Now her voice is soft and pitying. She sounds just like my sisters when they tell me I'm too young to do something. I'm not!
"I'm not a kid! And Sam is too old for you. He is two years older, so that means he is too old if I'm too young when I'm three years younger! You don't have to try to make me jealous anymore. We can go on a date tomorrow! It will be much better than your date with him!"
This is my moment! I press my lips against her in a perfect kiss. It feels so good! My heart pounds furiously and it's hard to breath. I moan. Leah's hands shoot up against my shoulders pushing me.
I pull my head away smiling towards my Princess. But she isn't smiling towards me... Huh?
"Jake! What are you doing!" she shrieks. "I just told you I have a boyfriend and you do something crazy like this." Wh..what... But it was a perfect kiss!
"You can't go out with him! I'm much better for you. I want you to be my girlfriend. I want to date you!" I shout.
"But I DON'T want to date YOU!" she yells in my face and suddenly I can't breathe anymore and it hurts. It feels like my chest is ripped apart! I gasp for air and my eyes sting.
"I'm sorry Jake!" I hear her whisper and try to touch me, but I push her away and run, run, run out from the school, out in to the woods, out into the blistening cold snow storm!
She doesn't want to date me...She doesn't want to date me... She doesn't want me...
It's not fair!
I love her!
Why doesn't she love me? WHY?!!
I want her to love me back!
It hurts so bad!
*End of flashback *
The day she told me NO, the day she broke my heart is forever etched in my mind, haunting me in my nightmares.
Becoming closer in our renegade pack she told me about the feeling of being in someones head and hear how they love someone else. Hell, yeah I knew exactly what that's like!
I talked about loosing the love of my life to someone else not deserving her, of being second best, or not even that. She thought I talked of Bella. Yea, sure... Bella...
Even though I hurt from Bella it was nothing compared to how my heart broke when she chose Sam over and over and over again. I mean, Bella...she was nothing like the burning fever of Leah. Bella felt like a safe bet. Soft and shy and therefore incapable of hurting me... I thought... Friendship, turned slowly into a dream of love, of something safe, something where I would be the strong one, healing my own heart by fixing hers. I liked how she admired me, how she lsitend to me, how she talked of me like I was her savior. It made me feel strong!
I tried to enrage Leah with images of my love for Bella, make her jealous. I wanted her to come begging me to love her again. She never did. I was such a fool! I hated how she still seemed to feel things that Sam never ever deserved. I wanted to take a hold of her and shake her for still thinking about that undeserving son of the bitch! I didn't want to hear her thoughts of memories of him, of missing him, of hurting for things he had done.
She never ever thought about me like that, of missing my friendship, of missing me, of wanting me! I wanted her to want me! Being in her head and finding no trace of the emotions and memories I hoped for for me was the worst feeling ever! Even worse than that day so long ago. It was like I never meant anything to her at all! Had she never loved me? All those years...did she just think I was a dumb kid?! How could she not see?! Why wasn't I good enough for her? Didn't she see how I would've done anything to be with her? How I did everything to be with her?
How could Leah not know?! How could she not know how my heart broke...
Why doesn't she still see it? Why doesn't she feel it now?
The fever? How it still burns, blazes, ravishes me?
I thought it had burnt out, leaving after it just a pile of ashes, gray dust, instead of a heart. I was wrong! A fire like that doesn't burn out – EVER.
The embers just are waiting to burst a flame again, and I can feel the heat licking up my spine. I have felt it slowly taking oxygen, waiting... The flames whispering inside me, waiting to combust into raw heat, waiting to ignite, waiting for a spark, any spark:
HER NAME. HER EYES. HER SCENT. HER SKIN. HER HEART.
A spark threatening to spread into the wildfire I know would have me a blaze again, and this time it will burn until there is nothing left.
I would gladly burn as long as Leah was in the flames with me!
I thought my plan would work out so great... Why is there a barrier between us now? What has changed?
Fuck, I know what it is! But its not like THAT is my fault! Shouldn't she be standing by me, telling me to break IT! Doesn't she remember what I told her before IT happened? That I never wanted IT! Doesn't she remember? Doesn't she understand that I need her help to motherfucking break IT off!
Does she think I enjoy being made a slave? How can she not see how I'm trashing and pulling against the chains?
I would break the shackles for her. I would! I can do it! But I want her to ask me to. Why doesn't she ask me? Ask me Leah!
I swear I'll find a way around it. I will for you Leah!
AN: Took me a while, lots of stuff to do and I also really struggled with this. I'm not too happy with it, but here it is anyway...