CHAPTER 11 – TRUTHS AND HONESTY, PART I

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

Although it hurts, I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know

-When I Was Your Man (Bruno Mars)-

(CPOV)

*Flashback*

"You piece of shit."

I stare at my phone, confused. "Excuse me? Ana?" I look at the caller ID again, frowning. This most certainly is not her; I would know her voice anywhere.

"It's Kate Kavanaugh, her best friend. How dare you, you douchebag!" Ah, Miss Kavanaugh.

"Why are you calling me?" I'm quickly irritated. Does this woman have no manners? I would think someone of her means and background would have more decorum than to greet someone like that.

"What did you do to her? How could you! Do you have any idea what you've done? What kind of person does that! Ana is the sweetest, kindest person in the entire world and you just threw her aside like some cheap whore! How could you be such a fucking asshole?"

The shrill cry of her voice makes me wince. I'm feeling shitty enough as is, the last thing I need is for someone else to tell me how shitty I am. I already know. But not only is she annoying, she's right. There's nothing I can say to defend the way I've acted; what's done is done. Ana has left, and there really isn't anywhere left for us to go. We're simply not right for each other.

"Do you think it's okay to just fuck any girl you want without caring about how she might feel? You may be able to get away with that with other girls, but not Ana. You have no fucking idea who you're messing with! Ana may not have the heart to confront you, but I refuse to let anyone tear her down and treat her like she's nothing. Do you have any idea what her life has been like? She doesn't need shit bags like you coming into her life and ruining it all over again. I should've known this would happen. Guys like you are worthless, shitty people. You take whatever you want and feel entitled to everything. Well, let me tell you, asshole, Ana is not something for you to take. She is a goddamn person with feelings and she deserves to be with someone who won't treat her like shit. Of all the guys she could've had, she chose you and it was the biggest mistake of her fucking life. I won't let her make that same mistake twice. You deserve to have your fucking balls cut off for what you did to her. If I ever see you, so help me, I will rip them off myself. You're a pathetic excuse, nothing more than a boy and I hope you regret the day you ever decided to hurt my best friend. Don't come crawling back to her when you realize just how badly you fucked up. You just lost the greatest girl you'll ever meet; I hope you're proud of yourself, fucker."

Despite her ill-manners, I have nothing to say. What can I say? I can't deny anything she's said; I am unworthy, undeserving, and a loathsome excuse of a man. A pathetic boy. She continues to berate me, curse me, tear me apart with her words; and I take every last syllable, nuance, and finely crafted insult. It's what I deserve. It's the least of what I deserve.

I replay Ana walking out on me, like a somber song droning repeatedly in my head, a dark reminder of what I've done. A pain deep within my chest throbs and I don't know how to deal with it. Selfishly, I want Kate to just shut the fuck up already. I get it; I fucked up. And I'll probably regret it for the rest of my goddamn life because she's right: Ana was, is, the greatest thing to come into my life and I messed it up. Just thinking about the way she left – eyes red and puffy from her tears, the shaking of her small frame from her painfully sad cries, makes me want to cry. I'm so fucking angry with myself. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like a fucking child as I try to keep it together. Ana deserves so much better than me, that's something both Kate and I are in agreement of. There are no words that I could say to her or to Kate that could possibly justify or amend what I've done. I apologize, and apologize, and apologize some more.

I'm sorry…I don't know what to say…I messed up…I'm sorry…She's better off without me…She'll move on…She deserves so much more…She deserves better... I'm sorry…What can I say?.. I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry.

The deafening click of the phone puts an effective end to my apologies. She doesn't say goodbye; she doesn't offer me comfort or acknowledge my atonement. I don't even know if she's heard my pleas for her to understand that I know how atrociously I've treated Ana and that I deserve to pay for my actions. That Ana will be vindicated by my suffering on her behalf, and I will never be able to rectify what I've done, what I've taken, or how much I've hurt her. Even if I apologize until the end of time, using all the words ever written or spoken to show just how sorry I am, it still wouldn't be enough. Nothing will ever be enough.

Tactlessly, I pushed away someone who cared for me, because I was scared. Fucking terrified. The pathetic irony of that reality is not lost on me. For all my fears and issues of being abandoned, I needed to be the one to do it first. I couldn't give her the chance to abandon me; I wouldn't survive. I wouldn't be able to handle that again. Never again will someone abandon me, I won't let them.

Staring blankly as 'end' blinks on my phone, I watch in disdain as her name disappears from my screen. And just like that, she's left me again.

*End of Flashback*

(APOV – Present Day)

The past few days have come and gone, but the ache in my chest remains. My phone has been going off non-stop since I left Christian's apartment, but I don't have the heart to call him back. I've ignored reading or listening to any of his messages – I just don't know what to do. He doesn't want me in his life; why does he keep trying to drag me back?

I've spent the last few days in Kate's hideous pink flannel pajamas reserved only for break-ups, and I admit it has brought me some relief. They're soft and comfortable, and so fucking pink it's enough to distract me. I haven't eaten or slept much, I just lay there, but Kate has kept a constant supply of wine and ice cream stocked in my room so I'm at least consuming some calories. Other than a few trips to the bathroom I haven't left my mess of a bed, piled high with blankets and pillows, for days.

Ever since our colossal fight the day Kate picked me up from Christian's, she's gone into mother-mode. I think she's afraid I might off myself, which is absurd, yet comforting at the same time. No matter how awful I am to her, she'll continue to stand by my side. But she's too attentive that I'm starting to go out of my mind with her smothering me. We talk a bit about how I'm feeling – losing Christian and apparently the loss of my dignity as I wallow away in my bed, but the answer remains the same. I don't know how I feel. I bounce back between angry and hurt, wanting him and not wanting him.

It's been three days of playing host to my pity party for one. My room is dark with the curtains drawn, and grossly filled with still-full take-out boxes and empty bottles of wine. Finally, Kate tells me she's had enough as she opens a window, and I inhale deeply as fresh air breathes into the four walls of my room. Huh, that actually feels nice.

"Enough. This room is disgusting, and I'm afraid this is going to turn into a terrible cross-over episode of Hoarders and Intervention if I let you keep on this way. You need to get out of bed and take a fucking shower. This isn't college midterms week anymore, you can't not shower and think no one will notice how fucking disgusting your hair is. And you need to eat solid food. Something that doesn't have an alcohol percentage. Jesus Ana, I love you, but seriously?" She wrinkles her nose as she brushes a greasy strand of hair off my forehead.

"I never said anything when you broke up with your boyfriends." I sneer in annoyance. "I let you do whatever you wanted because I was your friend, I would hope you would do me the say courtesy." I whine, pushing her hands away as she tries to tame my unruly hair.

"I don't care. You can't stay in your room like this, Ana you have to get out. You know this isn't good for you. Should I call someone? Should I call Ray-"

"No!" I immediately sit up, anxious that she'll actually call him. As much as I love him, my dad is the last person I would want knowing what I'm going through; he doesn't need to know I haven't left my room for days because I've become a cliché. That the man I gave my virginity to doesn't want me anymore. Pump and dump. Hit and run.

"Ana, you know you can't do this forever. I know it's only been a few days, but…well…you know…" She trails off uncomfortably, both of us aware of what she's hinting at.

I groan in annoyance. This is nothing like that. Yes, I may be upset, I may be hurt, but I'm not at the point of…that.

"Ana, I'm so out of my depth here. You really need to start eating real food again, and you have to get out of the house. I just don't want you to backslide or relapse or whatever it's called. You're past that part of your life, I just don't want to see you back there." She tries to coax as gently as possible. "I also think…I think you should call him."

"Ray?"

"Christian."

My jaw hits the floor. That's the last name I would ever think of hearing come out of Kate's mouth. She rolls her eyes at my shock and stunned silence, but stands her ground.

"I've thought about it, and yes, he's an asshole. That will never change. But I think for the both of you, you need to have at least one last conversation to move past this. I'm not saying take him back. Because fuck, you shouldn't. But you're not going to be okay until you get that closure, until he tells you why he was such a dick and that he's sorry. He needs to apologize to you."

I know she will always take my side no matter what, but when she tells me just how hurt he sounded that day she called him, she thinks it might be worth it if I called him. If not for him, but for me. A chance to say a proper goodbye.

I continue to lie in my bed, pondering Kate's words once she's left with a bag full of garbage. I can actually see the floor again, and the nauseating smell of old take-out no longer lingers, fresh air circulating throughout. Should I call him? It's been three days. Is that enough time for the both of us? I don't want to yell or scream or fight. I just don't have the energy to do so. I just want to talk. I just want to hear his voice one last time, see his face and look into his eyes. I know he's sorry; but it doesn't change the fact of what he did. He hurt me after I promised to never let anyone hurt him again. I still don't understand why he is the way he is, but I hope for his sake that he can conquer whatever demons live inside of him. He's a good man, despite what he or Kate thinks, and I only wish the best for him. I don't want either of us to hurt anymore.

I make a final decision to heed her advice. I can think of a million reasons why not to call him, but in the end, there's only one reason why I should. He made love to me, and it meant something to me. He means something to me. And it's for that reason, regardless of us being nothing more than two people having shared a beautiful night together, that I want to do this. I want to tell him I don't hate him. I just don't want to be angry and bitter for the rest of my life. I want to accept what's happened; cherishing the memories we made together, and move on.

Regardless of how much I miss him at times, as ridiculous as it may seem because we are very much still strangers to each other, I can't help the feeling that at one point we seemed perfect for each other. If having one last conversation with him is what I need to push that feeling away for good, then it's something I just have to do.

I feel myself coming out of the dark hole I've buried myself under, and take a welcoming breath. I've come too far to fall back under, and I won't let it pull me back. If closure from Christian is what I need to get my life back on track, then I'll swallow the fear and pain I know awaits me from confronting him.

It's almost 5 o'clock in the evening by the time I've managed to pull myself out of the vortex of my room. I'm showered and dressed out of the breakup pajamas, normal pajamas count as being dressed, and make my way to the kitchen. Baby steps. Kate has a take-out menu in hand and grins up at me as I take a seat across from her at the kitchen island.

"Look who decided to shower." She smiles in approval. "And you smell nice too. Want dinner? I was thinking either pizza or Chinese." She fans out the menus for me and I take a quick glance. I haven't eaten much in days, but I'm suddenly famished as I stare at each menu. We decide on pizza and wings and Kate calls in the order.

Sitting on the couch, I pull a blanket around me and grab the remote. Flipping through the channels, I'm disappointed to see nothing but the news and old-reruns. Where are the infomercials or tacky reality shows when you need them? I could really use the distraction.

Waiting for our food, we set up the dinner table with a shabby red plaid tablecloth, set out some candles, and put on some Taylor Swift. Throughout college we often would set aside a date night for each other once a week; it was more so because Kate felt bad that I never went on any dates, and she went on too many. She tells me I have to change; I can't show up to our date without being dressed, but I refuse. I refrain from making a cheeky comment about showing up naked for a free meal and putting out, but I feel my timing might be off. Too soon.

She rolls her eyes, but leaves it at that. "I'm glad I have my roommate back. That other girl was depressing."

"I'm going to call him." I say in between commercials, running my finger along the screen of my phone. "After dinner."

"What are you going to say?"

"I don't know. I just…I just want to see him one more time. I don't want this hanging over me, wondering why he did it, why this had to happen this way. I want him to apologize; I deserve at least that. But other than that, I just want to put this behind me. Move on."

She nods in support, telling me this is the right thing to do. She's already planning a celebratory night out; in her words, to banish that fucker from my life. I won't sulk around for Christian Grey anymore. If he doesn't want me, then fine. It's his loss, not mine.

Once our dinner arrives, Kate and I are down one and a half bottles of wine. We've begun a Grey's Anatomy marathon, living vicariously through hot Residents and Attendings screwing each other in the on-call rooms. It makes me feel better knowing their lives are just as screwed up as mine, though I still feel I have the upper hand when it comes to drama. How often does one lose their virginity to a fucked-up billionaire, only to be dumped hours later? Though it becomes a toss-up when they start losing legs and sisters are dying in plane crashes, so I rescind my trump card. Clearly, everyone is fucked up.

As we start another episode of Grey's, Kate works on finishing off the second bottle. I nurse a carton of Ben and Jerry's vanilla ice cream, groaning in appreciation.

"From now on, I'm only going to eat ice cream." I declare, as Kate drops the almost empty bottle in my lap. "Just ice cream. And then I'll get fat, and I'll have a reason for why boys won't want me."

"I bet Christian would like some junk in your trunk. Even if you got fat, he'd probably still bone you." Kate hiccups, grinning delinquently.

I glare, peeved at her topic of choice. Why did she have to bring him up? I was just starting to forget about him. "I declare this a Christian-free zone from now on. No amount of wine or ice cream can help me if you keep throwing him in my face." I grumble, reaching for a new bottle of wine. I thought I was done drinking, but Kate has effectively changed my plans. It's not like I have a job or boyfriend to go to tomorrow anyways.

She merely shrugs, holding her glass out to me. I pour the wine before resuming our show, a twinge of pain finding its way back into my chest. And rather than finding distraction, all I hear in my head is Christian, Christian, Christian.

Goddammit.

There's a terrible pounding in my head when I wake. What time is it? Looking around I realize I've fallen asleep on the couch, Kate on the floor next to me. There's a melted carton of sticky ice cream and the third bottle of wine tipped over, a small puddle on the hardwood floor.

"Kate, wake up." I complain, nudging her gently with my foot.

"Fuck off." She grumbles swatting my foot away, burying her head further into the mass of blankets she's using as a bed. I continue to kick her. "Go away, Ana." Her voice rises in irritation.

"This place is a mess." I whisper loudly. A fit of giggles starts before I can stop it. I've only been drunk a few times, and as I sit up, the entire room spins uncontrollably. "What happened last night?" Rubbing my head, I try to focus my eyes. Instead, my head bobbles side to side unsteadily making me laugh even more.

"Shut. Up."

"Fine." I pout, before slowly falling onto my side, closing my eyes to stop the spinning. Yes, this feels much better.

After a few more hours of sleep, I wake up to the same scene as before. Melted ice cream and a tipped over bottle of wine. Only this time when I sit up, I'm able to remain in one spot instead of tumbling back over. Stretching, I reach over for my phone to check what time it is, but freeze as I see the last screen I was on, an open text message to Christian – though his name was changed to 'DANGER' by one Kate Kavanaugh.

*Ur an ass. And ur vry sexy. Whyy dont' yu want me?1 take me back. Call mee. Pls. its ana.*

Cursing in embarrassment, I immediately delete the offending drunk text before I accidentally hit send. What on earth possessed me to be so stupid? As Kate stirs beside me, I find my answer.

Ah yes, if she hadn't mentioned Christian, I wouldn't have gone for that third bottle of wine on my own. It's all coming back to me, one fuzzy piece at a time. For good measure, I check to see that I didn't inadvertently call him in my drunken haze, thankful that I hadn't. At least something can go right in my life.

Taking a deep breath to clear my thoughts, I set my phone back down. I try to go over all the decisions I've decided to make over the last few hours. I will call Christian. We will talk, he will apologize, and I'll forgive him. I will move on. I will be okay.

Kate continues to sleep noisily on the floor, and I carefully step over her and head to my room. I decide that today will be the first day of my new life post-Christian. I can't wallow and pine after him if he doesn't want me. It's not fair for me to blame Christian for that; I can't make him feel anything for me. And it's not fair to myself to keep up the delusion that he'll come around and be what I want him to be.

I shower, wash my face and apply a light layer of makeup. My face no longer looks pale and ghastly, and I dab on some mascara just because. I look better and feel better already. Pulling my hair up into a messy bun, I change into a loose-fitting slub tee and boxer shorts before heading into the living room to take on the aftermath of our wine-fueled night.

Working around Kate, I manage to get the place cleaned up, one large garbage bag later. It feels good to be doing something rather than lying buried in bed, tucked away from the world. A staccato knock interrupts the silence of the apartment just as I'm putting the last few pillows back onto the couch.

Slowly opening the door, I'm greeted by a delivery man in a navy blue uniform. "Delivery for Miss Anastasia Steele."

"That's me."

"Please sign here."

I sign the electronic notepad, before being given a cream colored envelope, my name beautifully written in black ink. A stream of delivery men stroll through the apartment, but I ignore the parade of flowers as I eagerly tear through the paper to find a lengthy handwritten letter. Immediately I look at the bottom to see who it's from, and my heart stutters.

Christian.

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews/favorites/follows! Reviews are greatly appreciated!