Beth has a black eye and a hand print on her neck. When she comes to take my order instead of opening her little pad she opens her arms and hugs me. Thank yous are blubbering out between sobs and I have to tug away. Her eyes are bloodshot and puffy and I have to picture her in a torn red dress against trash bags. She'd been the girl I'd saved last night…and I hadn't even realized it…

Was I so oblivious to other people now…

She's smiling at me…one of her teeth is missing…

I looked at this girl everyday…why hadn't I known it was her…

Am I as bad as Rorschach…this is getting to me more than it should.

There was a time when I could recall every person I'd ever saved…now they were all blurring…Why didn't I know it was her? She looks confused and I apologize.

Why had her face mattered so little? I'm losing it and people aren't people anymore they're white noise. She's offering me free food, the least she can do, anything on the menu. I can't accept. I feel like I want to vomit. I hug her and apologize and leave a tip in her hand even though I didn't order anything. Out in the alley I lean over a dumpster and throw up.

The Natural is closed today but that's okay I just want to sit and think. I used to come sit on the mat when I was upset and alone. I put three cigars in my pocket when I left this morning. The first one smells good as I light it and puff. Reminds me of Ed. The mat isn't out so I stand up and lean against the wall under the recycled sign. Half way through my Ashton a shadow with a sign appears on the dirty ground. He looks at me, I look through him and walk away.

The spicy flavoured smoke escapes down my throat burning and singing my lungs as I blow out little ringlets into the air and watch them disperse. The roof entrance of my hotel is busted so I let myself past the "No Unauthorized Entry" sign and climbed onto the ledge of the building. Below I watch the tiny specks bustling their lives away and quietly I put my hand out curious as to how they would react to a body falling from 20 stories up right into the middle of their worthless lives. Not very well I can assume. No, people spook easily. I've learned this in my years.

I close my eyes and imagine it. What I would be like to fall from a twenty story building like this one. I imagine it would be something like a rollercoaster I'd been on once when I was younger. With the wind in your hair and your stomach somewhere in your throat, though it'd be much nicer. No jerky movements. Just a smooth downward plunge until you hit the ground that is. But most people die of a heartattack before they hit the ground…or at least that's what I read.

A gust of wind and my dazing whips my cigar from my lips and I watch it tumble down. How easy it would be to just follow after. I spread out my arms and close my eyes facing the roof. The stiff breeze pushes and pulls trying to braid my hair. The edge is close. I can feel where my heels are hanging over. I take one last full breath of air and pull my body weight backwards in a direct route with the earth. The fresh air is sucked and punched from my lungs but my heart isn't giving out and my stomach is in my throat and everything feels out of place .

I try to laugh but it's just ripped out. Above me buildings are flying up quickly touching the darkening sky. I can see the edges of my vision fuzz and blacken…The ground is growing close.

I'm freezing but light as wind and gravity play tug of war with my body. This is what Eddie felt I tell myself. I'm about to splatter. It feels longer than it is.

Countdown to destruction.

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

"Dezzi."

2…

3…

4…

4…

Back to reality.

Where am I?

Not falling. My cigar is still in between my lips. I am looking down at the streetlights and slow moving cars with open eyes now. Just a day dream. The ground is as far away as it's ever been and from its view point my head is in the clouds.

"I didn't remember her face, Jon."

I know he already knows what I'm going to say because to him I've already said it. So I continue talking so as not to make either of us liars.

"I look at her every day, Jon. ."

"It's not you're fault."

I spin on the ledge and squint a little at first from his glow. "Dan wants me to let it go."
"What do you think he knows?"

"Everything. The costume. Fiasco, Eddie, Rorschach."

"He wants to keep you from dying too soon."

"What's the point in that? If I wanted to ensure a long life I would have been an accountant. He says I'll end up like Eddie."

"Will you?"

The sparks in his eyes dance. "You tell me, Jon." I wonder what my eyes look like to him. If they're windows into my mind as everyone's are to me or if they're just an organ for dissecting.

"He's always trying to keep me from damnation…"

"Is it working?"

I scoff. "We're all condemned from birth. We're all guilty." I've said this before. "If Heaven and Hell were real we're all fucked. Rorschach, me, you. We've all killed our share of people. Dan's killed at least one, he's not the saint he pretends to be. But those were bad guys, right? It's different. It got out of control. It was out of control by the time I was born. If by ending up like Eddie he meant I'd understand everything for what it really is then he's too late. And the end must be very close."

I jump down and scrape out the end of the Ashton on the stone and drop it into my pocket. I literally walk through Jon and map out the roof. "Is there anything that controls anything, Jon? Karma? Anything? Or are we as helpless as I think?"

There's a little area where part of the building is higher than the rest and I sit with my legs over the edge and lean against the higher part. Jon sits next to me and looks at his hands folded in his lap.

"Nothing lasts forever but nothing ever ends. Isn't that what you told me at mom's funeral?"

He takes my hand and holds it parallel to his blue one. After a moment or so he lets go and speaks. "This is where Laurie and I are sharing our first kiss."

I can see his hurt. "By the time this is over she will not be mine anymore. And it will be better for her."

It pains him to talk about it. He's looking down and out across the rooftops interchangeably. I told him once when I was sixteen that he looked emotionless to so many people but I could see through it. He was living through every emotion he'd ever felt at the same time and that would break most anyone but he treasures them. Treasures the humanity of them. I think that intrigued him.

"I'm sorry Jon…"

I turn and hug him while Laurie kisses him, while Janey screams at him, while Laurie is breaking his heart.

He hugs back and mimics my apology. "What for?"

"You'll know…"

"I am leaving Earth after my appearance on television. I will go to Mars. That is when things will turn."

He pulls back and pushes away some hair, sparkling and disappearing. And once again I find myself alone and very confused.