Sorry for the long break but I am back from the bush. I had fun and worked hard but it was all worth it.
So here continues the story of Edward and Bella.
I need a little time
Dear Edward
You were right. I needed this time away from everything to clear my head. I love Italy and this trip has inspired me anew. I was dead to the world in so many ways the last couple of years. I have finally had time to think. I lie awake at night thinking of all the wonderful times we had together. The night you asked me to marry you, our wedding day, our incredible beach side honeymoon, the hikes we used to take together and that hilarious trip we took to Disney. That trip to Disney World was the first time we mentioned having children. How could we have known that a few weeks later I would think I was pregnant? We didn't know then the years of pain and heartache that would be thrown at us. I miss those innocent fun times when we were young and so in love. Some days I think back to earlier times like the first time we made love. You didn't want it to be all clichéd on prom night so we waited till graduation. That night you took me to our meadow. Do you even remember that place now? I loved our meadow and the long talks we had there. You had set up a blanket and some candles. We were both so nervous. We spent ages fumbling with each other's clothes and it was so awkward. We even laughed at ourselves. Then you kissed me so deeply that everything stopped being funny and our bodies natural instincts took over. I can't deny that it hurt for me. The pain as you entered me the first time was sharp and long. You waited until I could breathe again then slowly started thrusting. It was over very quickly but I am sure that is true for everyone's first time. I still get shivers when I think of how tenderly you kissed me. We promised each that night that there would never be anybody else. I broke that promise in a moment of stupidity. I still love you more than it should be possible to love someone. You told me the day you left that you still loved me too but that you could no longer look me in the eye. I understood I could barely stand myself anymore. I don't know if you will ever forgive me or if we will be able to move on from the pain of the last few years. If we had changed places I don't think I could forgive you.
Bella
Dear Bella
It's now six weeks till I fly home. The problem is I don't know where home is anymore. I don't want to go back to living in a rented flat. I know the time has come to make choices.
I still love you Bells and I always will. I just can't go back to fighting every night and having our infertility the constant elephant in the room. Then there is the room full of baby things that will never be used and the swing outside that will never be played. I hated living with those constant reminders but you couldn't let go.
I try to think of us before all of this and it makes me smile. Then every night in my dreams I relive the moment that I walked in to find him in our bed and I wake up filled with the same anger. I just can't get that image out of my head.
Things were bad enough as they were between us but there was still hope.
I guess it's time to ask you the question I never did.
Why Bella? Why did you do that and with him of all people?
Edward
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