Jlh!
Disclaimer: I don't even own a car. But that doesn't mean I can't drive it… -cough-
Me: I signed up for driver's ed this summer!
Chibi Sasuke: You're going to DRIVE?
Me: Yeah!
Chibi Sasuke: A CAR?
Me: No, smartass. A tin can.
Chibi Sasuke: -relieved sigh-
Me: I was joking.
Chibi Kisame: Just remember the most important rule about driving and you'll be fine.
Me: What's that?
Chibi Kisame: Don't drive on the sidewalk.
Me: -rolls eyes-
Chibi Kisame: Oh! And red means stop. That's important I guess… Ah, well. I don't pay attention to rules anyhow. They make 'em, we break 'em, right?
Chibi Sasuke: Oh, Kami-sama…
Chibi Kisame: My car's just not street legal. I drive it anyway. The cops can't stop me. Heh heh… V-twelve engine.
Me: GIVE. ME. YOUR. CAR. –drool-
Chibi Kisame: You can't have it, bitch.
Me: -cries-
Chibi Gaara: Riiight… I feel sorry for all those innocent motorists out there. But anyway, Swirl-chan apologizes for any JLH withdrawal symptoms you've had, as they're all entirely her fault. Rather, her computer's fault, because it was being a smartass and wouldn't let her save anything.
Computer: Foo! –attitude-
Chibi Gaara: See? It's entirely the computer's fault. All Nelson's fault. Yes, Swirl-chan's computer's name is Nelson. Without further ado, here's another chapter for you. Huzzah! Read, relax, review, enjoy.
J L H 11
Detention, as one would expect, was not fun. The sitting wasn't fun, the silence wasn't fun, and the writer's cramp was horrible.
Naruto sat there, amongst droves of seething, angry students, and wrote sentence after sentence. Naruto had a sinking feeling he was going to have to write fifty or so phrases about not fighting on school grounds. This, however, was ridiculous.
The quick, brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
He had to write that phrase over and over.
One hundred times.
What did that have to do with anything? Where the hell were the fox and the dog during that fight? Why weren't the fox and the dog sitting in the same room, writing their nonsensical sentences? Naruto vowed to shoot them both when he got the chance.
He glanced over his shoulder. As usual, Sasuke was sitting a desk behind him, fuming silently and occasionally muttering something to himself. "Hey, Sasuke?" Naruto whispered.
"What?" Sasuke replied in a harsh whisper.
Naruto ran a hand through his hair, "What do the fox and the dog have to do with anything?"
Sasuke looked at him silently with that half-lidded stare of his. The more he stared, the more Naruto began to feel incredibly stupid.
"What's wrong?" He asked warily.
"That sentence has every letter of the alphabet in it. That's why we're writing it."
Naruto blinked dumbly at his friend before turning back to the board. He scanned the letters for a few minutes before tilting his head in wonder. There were all the letters in the alphabet!
How cool!
"Idiot…" Sasuke rolled his eyes, shook his head, and sighed before continuing to write.
Regardless of what Sasuke said, Naruto felt like a genius. He smiled to himself before happily scribbling more words onto his paper.
----
What a dumb blonde.
Where Sasuke came from, this sentence was a regular penmanship exercise. Maybe things were different at her old school?
Maybe.
Sasuke had come from the very best school in town. He assumed that Naruto had come from a far less prestigious school.
Judging from what he'd heard from Naruto, she lived on the lower-budget side of the district, which was only a few blocks away. Since she went to school with Gaara, she must have lived somewhere close to the border between Suna and Konoha.
After the forty seventh sentence, Sasuke got bored.
He tapped his pencil on his desk, the graphite making a grating, scraping sound as it hit the wood and slid away. One by one, little grey dots appeared until Sasuke got so bored the dots drove him mad. He angrily dragged his eraser across the desk before growling to himself and returning to his earlier state of misery.
Perfect.
Sasuke rested his head on his arm. He didn't feel like writing anymore, but he supposed he had to do it. Tsunade would never let it go if he didn't. She never let anything go.
His parents used to know her. They invited her to all of their parties, where she'd drink herself to sleep and ride home unconscious in the back of his dad's car.
Tsunade had self control, yes.
But she had no control over her self control, if that made sense at all. It came and left at times that were impossible to predict, and as a result, she was half party-animal, half businesswoman.
Sasuke glared down at his paper, willing it to wither and die.
Eventually, he got bored with staring. The paper, despite his efforts to destroy it, remained wrinkled, half written, and in tact.
A sudden feeling of curiosity was inspired out of his suffocating boredom. He glanced over Naruto's shoulder to see just how far she was.
Sixty two.
He watched her hand scrawl out sentence number sixty three before he noticed something odd.
Her penmanship was scratchy and hardly legible. She crushed the graphite against the paper in an unattractive manner. She scratched her mistakes out instead of erasing them.
His face screwed up.
She had boys' handwriting.
He had never seen a girl write the way she wrote. Plenty of guys, sure, but never a girl. Shikamaru had that handwriting. Lazy, quick, and easy. No pretty little curly-cues, no bubbly letters, no psychedelic punctuation points.
Her writing was just… there.
Sasuke stared a moment more in somewhat rapt fascination before he was informed by the principal herself that he had an urgent phone call. Needless to say, he was relieved that he'd have a temporary break from his boredom. He was also a little curious about the apparent 'urgency' of the whole thing. Maybe Orochimaru was coming back early because Itachi knew where he was and was threatening to kill him.
Hah hah.
Fat chance of that.
He picked up the office phone, "Yeah?"
"Uchiha-san?" a voice questioned from the phone.
"This is he," Sasuke leaned against the wall, glancing at random objects on the other side of the room.
"This is Kabuto. I called to tell you that-"
"Whoa! Hang on a sec. How the hell did you know I was still at school?" Sasuke wondered irritably.
Kabuto was silent. Sasuke was left to listen to the static on the phone until Kabuto tactfully changed the subject. "As I was saying, I called to tell you that Orochimaru's coming back early."
Sasuke's jaw hit the floor.
"He says he apologizes if it's a bit sudden, but a few, uh, things came up, as he puts it."
Meanwhile, Sasuke had slid all the way down the wall and was now spread-eagled on the tile.
Son of a bitch.
What then? Was he actually coming back because Itachi had come back from the dead? Holy shit!
A droplet of cold sweat trailed its way down Sasuke's jaw line.
And even if this wasn't the case, the fact that the bastard child-molester was coming back at all was a horror in itself.
"Sasuke? Are you still there? Hello?" Kabuto inquired into the phone.
This was not cool.
NOT COOL!
Speaking of cool, Sasuke was losing it again. He took a few deep breaths to keep calm. This was nothing to lose his head over. If Itachi really was alive and vengeful as ever, then it would be something to lose his head over.
Sasuke most certainly didn't want to lose his head.
His hair was there.
Sasuke liked his hair.
He thought he'd be rather sad if he lost it.
----
Naruto was mildly worried. It had been a full five minutes and seventeen seconds since Sasuke had left the room. He knew. He counted.
Tsunade came in and said he had some sort of phone call. Maybe Sasuke was gone so long because he snuck off while the principal thought he was still on the phone.
Lucky shit.
But that would mean that the little rat bastard skipped on him again! If this were the case, he'd kidnap Sasuke, (assuming that the Uchiha hadn't already fled to some foreign country to get away from him,) drag him to his house, and duct-tape him to a wall.
Let's see how he'd get out of that one.
Naruto sighed and slumped in his chair. Sasuke had probably escaped and he was left with twenty or so more sentences to scrawl.
What a shit-tastic day.
The quick, brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
Naruto sighed. This was tragic. Sort of like The Fox and the Hound, but with no plotline. Still tragic though.
It was during Naruto's miserable thoughts that Sasuke chose to return. Something in his step was off, but Naruto got the feeling he wasn't supposed to know. The Uchiha seemed uptight about something, so the blonde slowly glanced back at his boyfriend. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Sasuke looked perfectly calm and composed. Upon closer investigation though, his face looked paler than normal.
Naruto quickly dismissed it as a figment of his imagination. He worried too much about Sasuke. He was perfectly fine.
Yeah.
He heard the scribbling of a pencil against paper. Sasuke must've started writing again. He supposed that he'd follow in his example and copied more of the same boring sentence over, and over, and over.
When he was finally done, half an hour of his life had mysteriously flown away. It was three-forty in the afternoon and his arm was aching with a vengeance.
Damn writer's cramp!
He shook his hand vigorously, trying to shake some life into the dying thing. Sasuke was right behind him, growling quietly to himself and doing the same thing. The both of them grabbed their packs, tossed their papers at Tsunade, then walked off.
Naruto glanced behind him.
Sasuke was silent. His eyes were out of focus and it was painfully obvious that his mind was not thinking about the inevitable doom that awaited him at Naruto's house.
Doom, you ask?
The kitchen was a disaster. The furniture had long since gone out of fashion. The bathroom was littered with makeup. Not to mention Naruto's room was a wreck and he had certainly kept the room messy long enough for a new, poisonous animal species to evolve.
It was lurking under his bed.
He knew it.
"Hey Sasuke?" Naruto glanced over his shoulder at the other boy.
Sasuke went on staring into space, but he answered the blonde's question like he was paying enough attention. "What?" he sighed.
"Well, my house is a mess, and you'll probably get eaten by something if you go into my room," Naruto laughed nervously and scratched his head.
"And how come this thing hasn't eaten you yet, hm?" Sasuke crossed his arms and half-smirked at the blonde.
Naruto shrugged, "Because I'm full of shit and she knows it."
"She?" Sasuke wasn't spacing out anymore and his half-smirk had blossomed into a grin. Naruto liked the way this was going, so he decided to elaborate on the subject.
"Yep," the blonde said with a smile, "All monsters are women. You, of all people, should know that the best."
"That's a fine way to put yourself down," Sasuke sneered, tapping his fingers on his arm.
Naruto blinked.
Oh yeah!
He was supposed to be a girl!
He almost forgot. That would've been a crisis. He could've unintentionally blown his own cover. Stupid Naruto! Fucking shit-head Naruto! Sasuke just saved your ass, and he didn't even mean to!
Naruto laughed it off. He frantically thought of something to say.
"Yeah, well I'm still a girl," Naruto declared, "I'm not a woman yet. I have yet to be corrupted by a dude!"
Well done, Naruto!
Killing two birds of both sexes with one stone!
Huzzah!
Sasuke only snorted in his aloof 'I-really-don't-give-a-fuck' sort of way. As was to be expected from the stoic Uchiha boy, Naruto supposed. Nevertheless, Naruto was left to feel rather good about himself as he continued skipping happily up the street.
----
Sasuke contented himself to watch the hyperactive ball of blonde skip around the sidewalk like a caffeinated chipmunk.
She was like therapy, but without the therapist. Counseling without the counselor. The professionals had been vaporized out of their chairs and replaced by a fluffy, Technicolor squeaky-toy that called itself 'Naruto the Whore Queen.'
Surprisingly, Sasuke felt that the squeaky-toy was doing a better job. She hid nothing from him. Anything Sasuke wanted to know, the blonde would answer in the most bluntly honest way. If he dressed up in a bright yellow rain-jacket, salmon pink bellbottom pants, a lime green fishing hat, and a candy-striped tie, any other girl his age would say he looked fabulous. Meanwhile, if he wore the same thing and asked Naruto how he looked, she would reply that the seventies had just called and they wanted their pants back.
As he mulled over these things, he began to notice a sharp stinging in his arms. He rolled his eyes and growled. His withdrawal symptoms just had to kick in when he was supposed to be having fun.
Why was he not surprised?
He irritably dug his nails into his arms. He smiled to himself as the pain subsided for a brief moment.
Maybe Aspirin would help. But there was always the chance that Naruto was too ghetto to afford pills.
That would explain a few things…
In the present, Naruto was still bouncing around like a crazed lunatic. Did she eat sugar for lunch or something?
Sasuke was mildly surprised when she suddenly bounced to a halt. "Heeeeere we aaaaaaaaare!" She motioned dramatically to her side, "Ta daa!"
Sasuke's eyes slowly drifted to the side, coming to rest on what he thought to be the most crooked house he'd ever seen. He raised an eyebrow.
The house was a beached fish. The scaly shingles were slowly forming piles on the lawn, and the thing looked as if it were on the verge of disintegrating. The paint was peeling and there was a plastic bag duct taped to a broken window.
"It's not exactly the Four Seasons… but it's good enough, right?" The girl shrugged her shoulders nervously and smiled. When Sasuke didn't answer, the girl seemed to get jittery and began rambling about failed attempts at repairs to the house.
Sasuke, however, was not listening.
He glared at the ominous house.
How the hell… Was this where she lived? The thing looked like it wanted to keel over, expire, cease to be, and go on to meet its maker! A hastily built addition was sagging in the back yard, several planks on the stairway to the front door looked rotted, and the garage door hung out of place.
He was infuriated by the house.
Shack.
Shelter.
Whatever it was, Sasuke didn't like it.
"Umm…" Naruto was waiting on one of the rotting steps, "You wanna' come in?"
Sasuke took one last angry look at the house before nodding silently and walking across the front yard.
When he walked in the screen door, he was immediately assaulted by cigarette smell. He wrinkled his nose, but decided to withstand it for the sake of Naruto's self esteem. Naruto told him to wait at the door. After that, she ran down the short hallway without taking her shoes off.
This might have seemed odd, but where Sasuke came from, no one wore their shoes in the house. No one. It was a hygiene thing.
He scanned the hall. To his surprise, the house looked much better on the inside. The walls were clean, the floor was swept, and he could see the arm of a comfortable looking couch.
"Hey MOM!" Naruto yelled around a corner, "I hope you're decent! I have a friend over!"
…Decent?
Regardless of what 'decent' was supposed to mean, Sasuke heard a scrambling sound somewhere in the house. For all he knew, it could have been coming from the basement or the living room. The walls seemed paper-thin.
"A friend?" the Uchiha heard a scratchy feminine voice call, "Is it that nice Neji boy you told me about?"
Sasuke scoffed.
Naruto looked back at him and laughed sheepishly, "No, someone different."
"Alright then, I'll be down in a minute. The ladies and I have been invited to a… er… party tonight. I bought a new dress and I'm using your mirror. Mmkay?"
"Alright mom!" Naruto called up the stairs before motioning Sasuke to make himself at home. He glanced disdainfully at the carpet and decided he'd do as the Uzumakis did.
He kept his shoes on.
Walking cautiously into the living room, he noticed two things. The first, the couch he saw earlier bent abruptly in the middle. The second, the Uzumakis were not lying when they said they had no television. The sofa faced the window, a TV stuck at the same, boring channel for all eternity.
When Sasuke finally turned into Mr. Nice guy, the first thing he'd do would be to buy them a TV.
Too bad he wasn't nice.
He prodded the couch a bit, half expecting it to bite his finger off. When he'd successfully poked it for the twelfth time, he warily climbed onto it and sat there.
"You hungry? I can make us some ramen if you want!" Naruto poked his head out of the kitchen and grinned.
Sasuke didn't have much of an appetite. The corner of his eye twitched as he wondered whether or not the dishes were sanitary.
"I think I'll pass," he declined flatly.
"Suit yourself," the blonde disappeared again and Sasuke could hear the sounds of pots and pans clashing together. A few minutes went by, and the Uchiha was almost sure that the couch had no intention of eating him. He sighed and leaned back on the cushions.
Just when he got comfortable, there was a sudden jerk downward from the fluffy object. He yelped in surprise and rigidly held onto the arm of the couch. As soon as it came the moment was gone and Sasuke cast a wary glance around him.
"You okay?" Naruto laughed at him.
"Your house," Sasuke croaked flatly, "It wants to kill me."
Naruto giggled a bit before suddenly appearing in view. "Yeah, that couch is broken. It's, like, two thousand years old. Pretty comfy, huh?"
"Yes," Sasuke said dryly, glaring cautiously at the abrupt dip in the middle of the couch, "comfy."
Naruto smiled reassuringly before disappearing yet again. Sasuke watched her go, wondering how she could possibly be happy with a life like this. To him, who had always lived surrounded by heaps of cash, this was a crisis. A tragedy! It was like living in an industrial-grade cardboard box!
He sniffed the air again and wrinkled his nose.
An unusually smoky cardboard box.
Maybe her mom smoked. If Naruto herself decided to pick up such a fatal habit, he'd lose his cool and throttle her himself. The girl in question popped out of the kitchen and jumped energetically onto the other side of the sofa. Sasuke braced himself as the dying thing creaked and sunk lower.
"So how's the house so far, eh?" the blonde smiled her sheepish smile.
Sasuke surveyed the room briefly. "It's…" he paused, glancing back at Naruto, "You want the truth?"
She sighed nervously, "That's the question, isn't it?"
Sasuke's relatively humorless demeanor faltered a bit. "I suppose," he went on, "I could tell you part of the truth."
The blonde girl grinned. "Okay," she said, "fair enough."
"Your house," Sasuke began, trying to think of something to say, "Is cozy. Nice and, um, small." When the girl gave him an awkward look, he elaborated, "It's delightfully small. Homey. I like the paint color, and the carpet. Makes it feel like people live here."
Maybe a little too much so…
But she didn't need to know that.
He stuck with the partial truth idea.
"Nari-honey?" A feminine voice called as footfalls pounded against the stairs. Sasuke and Naruto both turned in the direction of the noise.
"Yeah, Mom?" the girl quirked an eyebrow and leaned toward the staircase.
Naruto's mom nimbly descended the stairs. Sasuke saw a mop of orange hair whip around as the woman made a sharp turn into the kitchen, yelling, "I'm going to be gone for a while. I'll be spending the night at a friend's house tonight. Mmkay?"
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. Naruto had turned back to him and was searching his face for he knew not what. She seemed relieved when she didn't seem to find what she was looking for. "Mom…" she growled, a blush gracing her cheeks.
"Just telling you, hun."
"Not in front of my friend!" the blush grew.
"Oh, sure. Are you worried that I might shame myself in front of this comrade-who-shall-not-be-named? Or are you embarrassed?"
"MOM!"
Sasuke hadn't the slightest idea what this was all about, so he kept his mouth shut.
"And who is this friend? Is he so high up that he can't handle a little suggestive talk, hm?"
"I think he can handle it…"
"Hang on! He?" Kyuubi suddenly stuck her head out the kitchen entryway, squinting her eyes and grinning hopefully. Sasuke met her eyes and scowled uninterestedly.
There was a long pause.
Sasuke sat stark still. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. She'd recognize him in a second.
Wait for it.
Three… two… one.
The woman's eyes widened to saucers, her eyebrows shot up, and her jaw hung limply on its hinges.
Shock and awe, ladies and gentlemen.
Shock and awe.
She floundered for a moment, looking to her daughter, then back to him. She made a few half-completed hand gestures, took one step forward and one step back, and then flew into a blubbering fit.
Sasuke smirked inwardly. His ego had been further inflated. Naruto's mother flew over to her daughter, harping to her, then pointing at him, then doing a nameless jig in the middle of the coffee table.
She clapped her hands together, smiled the Uzumakis' trademark smile of idiocy, and then burst out in spontaneous fits of hysterical laughter all the way out the door.
Ooookayy…
That was… disturbing.
The most disturbing reaction to his existence in his history, he believed.
Not even Sakura had been that energetic. Ever. He supposed energy ran in Naruto's family. Energy or insanity, whichever appealed to the moment.
"How is it," sighed Sasuke mirthfully, "that every girl knows who I am, even if they don't have a TV?"
"Oh!" Naruto smirked slyly, "I just don't know!" She waved her palms in the air and leaned in closer, "It's a myyysteryyy!"
Sasuke rolled his eyes and pushed her off the couch.
----
Somewhere off in the distance, there was a gunshot.
Naruto sat straight up in his bed, alertly listening to the noise just outside his window. There was nothing to listen to. As abruptly as it began, the noise was gone. Any normal person would have taken this to be a good sign.
Naruto, however, didn't feel safe at all.
He noiselessly crept over to his door, pressing an ear to the wood before slowly easing it open. The door didn't creak, thanks to a new trick he learned in a children's book. As disgusting as it sounded, Naruto greased the hinges with butter in order to sneak cookies into his room at night.
Tonight, his mind wasn't exactly set on getting a midnight snack. He wanted to find his mom. He always climbed into bed with her when he was scared. He sneaked over to her room, expecting to hear the telltale snoring emanating from therein. When there was none, he was confused. He opened the door, expecting to hear soft breaths coming from her bed. When he heard none, he was curious. He clambered over to her bed, expecting to see her asleep with a pillow on her face. When she wasn't there, he was afraid.
Then it came to him.
His mom had gone to a party with a few friends.
At least she said it was a party. Naruto's mind refused to process the fact that there were other possibilities.
His mind also refused to process the fact that he was much shorter than he normally was.
Another gunshot.
Naruto spun around, looking at the door. The noise sounded a lot closer now. Maybe it was coming from inside the house?
No.
That wasn't it.
He hurried back up the steps to his room, where he could watch the street from his window. Dim street lamps cast an eerie circle of light on the asphalt and crickets continued to chirp in the grass.
Another gunshot was heard. Then another, and another.
Naruto ducked down in fear as an object glinted for a second in the gloomy lamplight. Footsteps came and left in an instant before two more shapes followed the first, trying to dodge the light in an attempt to remain invisible.
Suddenly, Naruto's nose itched. He began to panic, furiously plugging his nose against the inevitable sneeze. The tingling feeling went away. He sighed with relief, but then his nose started itching again and he fought to contain a sneeze.
The inevitable happened.
"Chu!"
The second shape whirled around, bright sea foam eyes shimmering for a second in the light.
Naruto's heart pounded and he instantly ducked under the window. Had they seen him, and if so, were they about to get rid of him because of his potential as a witness? If they'd considered it, they weren't acting on the idea.
"Hey foxy!" a man whispered harshly, "Hurry up! Somethin' bugging you?"
Naruto's ears pricked and he listened intently on the conversation below.
"No, I just thought…" a scratchy voice whispered, "Never mind." Naruto's eyes widened. That voice sounded familiar, but it was too muffled to know the identity of its owner.
"You wanna' take a breather, foxy? I'll hunt down the bastard for ya'." The first voice mocked.
"Go on. Be my guest. You can shoot him, but don't kill him. If anyone's going to kill him, it's me. Got that?"
"Right on, foxy girl!" After that, the heavier of the footsteps plodded down the road and faded off. The lighter set seemed to hesitate for a moment. Naruto tried desperately to force his heart down from his throat. It was beating so loudly, he was sure this girl could hear it.
The voice murmured something before padding off.
The blonde boy dared to peek over his windowsill. Just as he did so, a shadowy figure vanished around the corner. Another series of gun shots crackled through the air. In the midst of these, Naruto heard a yell, then more gunfire.
There was a bang, a final shot, and the last thing Naruto heard was a pained, choked cry of, "You ate my waffle!"
Naruto shot up in bed, striking a less-than-graceful ninja pose on the floor, looking all around his room for any sign of danger.
"The only danger you're gonna' find is me!" A feminine voice growled from outside Naruto's door. Naruto lowered his hands and stared at Kyuubi. Needless to say, he hadn't the slightest idea about what was going on.
"You've made your mother very angry," Kyuubi growled, stomping toward her son like a peeved rhinoceros.
"Ummm…" Naruto scratched his head, "What?"
"You know very well what!" She thundered closer to the helpless Naruto. He stared up at his mom with doe eyes.
Seriously!
What the hell could she be so mad at him for?
Naruto's mom rolled her eyes before breathing fire in his face, "I told you not to touch it!"
…What?
"I told you I wanted it this morning, and that you were not to go within ten feet of it or I'd have your head!"
…What?
When Naruto still showed no signs of understanding, his mother threw her hands up into the air and harped, "You ate my fucking waffle!"
Oh.
Shit.
Naruto laughed it off. "Ah, hah, you see, I was reeeally hungry last night. I figured you wouldn't be mad because your beloved child would have starved without it."
Kyuubi's face turned red and she gritted her teeth together.
"Apparently not," Naruto slumped glumly back into his bed. Oh, what to do to redirect his mother's anger before it rained down on him like a thousand flaming meteors! Think! What would she like to hear about…?
Money…
Who was rich?
Who was good-looking?
Boyfriend…
Bingo.
"Sasuke and I had fun last night," Naruto said with a hopeful smile.
Kyuubi's eyes lost their fire and her posture relaxed somewhat. She smiled knowingly, "And what type of fun did we have?"
Score!
Naruto pretended to be flustered for good effect. "Mom! You pervert!" he tried vainly to smack her with a pillow.
"Not as bad as your uncle, whom you seem to like so very, very much," she sneered.
"Well he's a fun kind of perverted. You're just… Eeww!" Naruto waved his arms in the air, screwed up his eyes, and stuck his tongue out.
"Mmhmm…" she paused and sat on the bed next to Naruto. The mattress bent a little under her weight. "So," she began, "What did you and Mr. Sasuke Uchiha do last night that was so fun?"
This was a good sign. Naruto was happy to elaborate. "Well," he said, bouncing in his seat, "I showed Sasuke around the house, we talked, and when I convinced him that no new species of mold was growing in the refrigerator, he ate dinner with me."
His mom seemed interested. So far, so good. "He asked me how old the house was. I told him that, judging from the dinosaur bones in our basement, it was built in the late Jurassic. He just shook his head at me and told me I was an idiot. I asked him if he liked idiots. He said no, but that I was a special kind of stupid that he could tolerate for more than twenty seconds."
Kyuubi raised an eyebrow.
"That's a good thing," Naruto clarified, "because he normally can't stand girls."
"So everything was peachy last night?" Kyuubi asked.
"Yeah," replied Naruto. Everything was fun, wasn't it? At least so Naruto thought.
He frowned suddenly as he was invited to take an unwelcome walk down the more curious side of his mind. Last night was cool, but his dark-eyed friend seemed out of sorts. He was distracted, moody. He kept hissing to himself and glaring down at his wrists. Every once in a while, he'd dig his nails into his arms and drag them across his skin. When Naruto asked if he was tired, he just sighed and shook his head angrily. The blonde couldn't tell whether he was mad at him, or mad at himself.
"What's up?" His mom was tilting her head worriedly, "Did something happen?"
"Naw," Naruto waved his hand at her, "just thinking."
Naruto watched his mom out of the corner of his eye. She didn't seem satisfied with that answer.
Oh please don't ask about it.
Please, please, please.
"Well," his mom got off of the bed and stretched her back, "It's almost eleven and the story of you having fun yesterday with the man of your dreams doesn't change the fact that you ate my waffle."
Naruto pouted.
"I'll get you back for that one. You wait and see. One of these days you'll have only one cup of ramen left and I'll eat it all." She gave him a heartfelt noogie before plodding back down the stairs.
Naruto made no move to follow her, sitting still and not bothering to fix his hair.
Sasuke troubled him. He was a little, dark, rain cloud that followed him everywhere, opting to hover just beyond the horizon of his thoughts instead of raining directly on his sunny day. He was one big puzzle. A one thousand piece puzzle with only three hundred of the pieces present.
The look in Sasuke's eyes was far out, like his body was there, but his mind was on sick leave. The later it got, the more sluggish and irritable Sasuke became. At about eight, he started twitching. At first, the spontaneous twitches were few and far between, but it got progressively worse. When Naruto asked him what was wrong, he shrugged it off and said it was nothing. A little while after that, he informed Naruto that he should be leaving. Naruto didn't intend to keep him much longer. Maybe he had problems to deal with. At eight-forty, a car screeched into the driveway. Sasuke walked out the door, waving goodbye before he disappeared into the passenger's side door of the flashy sports car and speeding away.
Speeding was putting it lightly. The car left smoking streaks on the asphalt. Must have been that freaky shark-what's-his-name's car.
He certainly hoped Sasuke made it home alive.
Naruto stretched and headed down to his kitchen. He dug through the cabinets, through the fridge, and through the trash. No matter where he looked, he couldn't seem to find anything good to eat.
He crossly put his hands on his hips. His sneaky bitch of a mother had probably taken revenge into her own hands already. Naruto growled to himself. Perhaps she hid everything somewhere? Yes, that would explain things. She wouldn't go through all the trouble of throwing it away. Not after she'd bought all of the food with her own money.
Where could she have hidden it?
A closet? No. Naruto would look there first. She knew that.
Perhaps she hid it in the basement. Naruto wrinkled his nose and shook his head. Not even she would touch it again if she'd hidden it there. That would be a waste.
Think, Naruto. You have to be smarter than your mom. Where would she have hidden it? She wasn't the type to conceal anything in an obvious place, so where wouldn't Naruto look?
What spot in the house would he not go digging through if his life depended on it?
Where was he afraid to look?
The shed?
Beneath a floorboard in the kitchen?
Mom's bedroom…?
Naruto, you sly dog.
He smiled gleefully and snapped his fingers. He peeked around the house first. By the looks of things, his mom had already left to… do whatever she did during the day. There were no signs that she was home. There were no humming noises, no footsteps, and the little compact car had vanished from its usual place in the driveway.
He slithered over to his mom's room, stealthily popped the door open, and slunk around the corner.
He dug through her lingerie drawer, her closet, the rest of her wardrobe, a box in the corner, her nightstand, and her pillowcases. He was greatly disheartened when his beloved food was nowhere in sight. His stomach started growling and he began to feel perfectly miserable.
How could she do this to him?
It was only one fucking waffle!
He ate her waffle because he would've starved otherwise, and the bitch had to go all hard-core on him and hide all of the rest of the good food! In a place he couldn't find, no less!
He thought a moment more. He thought back to his earlier musings about the unknown whereabouts of his snacks. Where wouldn't he look? In the bedroom. Why? He was terrified of what he might find in there. So far he'd found a few condoms, some pills, a vibrator, and something-else-that-should-not-be-named. Suffice to say, he was scarred for life.
Where else did mom keep her more private belongings?
Not her drawers, not her closet, not her jewelry box.
Where hadn't he looked yet? Where would he put all of his stuff if he was a girl? In a box, in his drawers, or under…
Under the bed.
Merciful Jesus.
He leered at the bed, silently dreading the items he could find down there. A lump rose in his throat. What, indeed, would he find if not the food? More condoms? More pills? More-things-that-shall-not-be-named-for-the-sake-of-the-sanity-of-the-audience? God only knew. He was probably having a hard time with the knowledge himself.
Naruto gulped and veered away from the bed. He was losing his confidence. He was losing his drive. All he could think about were the horrifying things that awaited him under that simple-looking piece of furniture.
The food… he'd die without food!
Not even a full stomach was worth it to risk going under that bed. There would be no more sugary cereal, no more popcorn, no more jell-o.
No more ramen.
He cringed. Without the life-giving power of ramen, he'd die for sure!
He made up his mind. He slowly walked over to the little blue bed. He took what he was sure to be his last breath, and dove under.
He dug frantically through the trash under his mom's bed.
Lacey thong.
Toe ring.
Good lord, was that a candy bra?
More colorful packages.
More weird smells.
And, God save him, another object best left undescribed.
But there it was! A great, shining beacon in the darkness of his despair! A box! A beautiful box! A wonderful, beautiful, cardboard box! He hugged it to his chest as he dragged it out from beneath the bed.
He sat there a moment longer, bathing in his joy. He cheered for the box. He couldn't wait to open it and greet each and every one of his tasty friends.
What a glorious moment! The box smelled like cinnamon, sugar and noodles! He opened it slowly, savoring the moment and half expecting a legion of angels to come and play their harps for him.
The great moment had arrived! Naruto opened his eyes, staring gleefully down at the box that held all of his sugar and ramen and heaps of delicious-
His eye twitched and he slammed the cardboard flaps shut.
Wrong box!
----
Sasuke wasn't awake yet.
Well, not awake in the sense that he still couldn't tell whether he was alive or dead. On those select few days that he didn't have to wake up, Sasuke didn't bother doing so. It was past noon and he was still half asleep.
He knew he was awake, but he didn't bother to acknowledge the fact.
It wasn't until the repetitive ringing of his phone broke through his mental barriers that he finally rolled himself out of bed.
He landed gracefully on the floor, wondering irritably who had the nerve to call him during the weekend. He wandered into the living room, throwing himself on his couch and languidly glancing at the caller id.
Uzumaki Kyuubi.
That would be Naruto.
Sasuke wasn't in the mood to have his ear jabbered off, and he wasn't having one of his good weeks. His head wasn't bleeding, but it still ached, and Orochimaru was going to show his hideous face any day now, so the Uchiha was decidedly angry.
"You've reached the house of Uchiha Sasuke."
Sasuke couldn't help but smile at his answering machine. It was one of the few things he could count on.
"Either I don't know you, I hate you, I'm gone, I'm dead, or I'm just too damn lazy to answer the phone. I'd prefer that you don't leave me a message, but if you have to, leave it after the fucking beep."
Good answering machine.
The gift from God beeped, signifying the break where its heavenly message stopped and the incessant whining of his girlfriend began.
"Hey, Sasuke! It's me, Naruto!"
Newsflash!
"I was wondering if you wanted to do anything today. Y'know, go to the movies and stuff?"
Sasuke sighed exasperatedly. When was he ever going to get a break from this nonsense! At least she didn't want him to go back to her house. She lived in a hell-hole, and she seemed quite happy about it.
'She's never lived anywhere else,' Sasuke reminded himself, 'so she has no idea what it's like to own a decent house.'
She'd been to his house though, right? So she had to realize just how bad things were for her, right?
"So, uh… I really want you to call me back, 'cause I'm really bored. Gaara's… busy, and my mom's gone."
What was new? Her mom was gone last night too.
What kind of mom left her daughter alone with a guy she barely knew anyhow?
There was a brief silence on the answering machine.
"Sasuke," Naruto's slightly knowing and annoyed voice groaned, "I know you're there."
What?
"I know you're listening to this and you're just too damn stubborn to pick up the phone."
Sasuke pulled his hair and hissed. What the hell was this with people knowing exactly where he was at all times?
Eager to find out, an irritated Sasuke picked the phone up.
"How the hell did you know?" he roared.
Naruto's voice laughed into the phone, "I didn't. You know, tell a lie to get a truth sort of thing? You're so predictable sometimes."
"Am I?" Sasuke asked dryly.
"Yup! We girls gotta' know our men, right?"
Our men?
"So I'm property now, am I?" Sasuke asked in the same uninterested voice.
"Lighten up, man," said Naruto, "You're too serious. That makes people stressful. Too much stress can kill you, did you know that?"
A.D.D. moment.
"Yes, Dobe," Sasuke gritted his teeth, "I already knew that."
"You sound like you just woke up," the blonde pointed out after a long pause, "You been sleeping a lot?"
"My mother died a long time ago. I really don't want another one."
Liar. You'd give anything to have your mom back.
Sasuke sighed. There was the pessimistic Itachi voice again. No matter how hard he tried, the Uchiha couldn't seem to shake that voice or its ideals out of his head.
The annoying girl was quiet again.
Sasuke found it even more unbearable when Naruto wasn't chattering away. When she was talking, everything was fine and dandy in that little brain of hers. When she was quiet, it seemed like she was actually thinking, the possibility of which scared Sasuke more than anything.
"Okay," Naruto said quietly.
Sasuke hit his forehead with the heel of his hand.
What had happened to the annoying Naruto? Why had she vanished off the face of the earth, leaving him with the silent one? Why?
WHY?
"Well, you're still coming to the movies with me, whether you like it or not!"
Ah, there it was. Sasuke could relax now.
"Deal?" Naruto's all-too-excited voice chirped.
Sasuke sighed, running his free hand through his hair. He didn't have anything else to do today. There was always the chance, though, that he'd go into withdrawal half way through the movie. He'd have to shoot up beforehand.
Still, there was always a chance. If only he could cover it up. Use an excuse.
"Hey Dobe?" He sighed.
"Hm?" Naruto piped up.
"There aren't any good horror movies out, are there?"
Naruto thought a moment. Sasuke could hear the sounds of papers rustling in the background. "I went down to the grocery store earlier today and bought today's newspaper," she explained while sifting through the articles.
"Oh?" Sasuke made it a point to sound vaguely interested.
"Yeah. They're pretty cheap. Did you know there was another Akatsuki-related shooting last night?"
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. Naruto now had his undivided attention. "Where?" he asked.
"Actually it was just a few blocks away from my place." Naruto laughed.
Oh…?
And why did she not care about this?
"Pretty scary, huh?"
"Yes," Sasuke mused. He wondered what could've drawn the gang out of their usual hideout in the Mist district.
"You know what?" Naruto got off on another A.D.D. track, "My dad died on a night just like last night."
Sasuke stared at the phone. Why the hell would she want to talk about that? To him no less!
The blonde continued to ramble. "The police came to our door and told my mom one morning that they'd found him in an alley with a bullet through his head. She cried for a really long time."
Sasuke was silent. He didn't know what to think.
"They said the Akatsuki did it, and that they probably shot him somewhere near our house, and then carried him away. I don't know why they killed him. I think my mom does though. She just won't tell me. She clams up when I ask her about him, and then she won't talk for the rest of the day."
Sasuke still didn't know what to say to her. Somehow, a simple 'I'm sorry,' didn't seem to cut it.
"Ah!" She exclaimed happily, "I found it! Says here… yup! There's a good, cheap horror movie at the dollar theatre. Two-thirty!"
Sasuke blinked. The squeaky toy just went from 'My dad died,' to 'There really is a movie we can watch,' in less than twenty seconds.
"So, Mr. Moody and Silent, you wanna' go with me?"
Sasuke quickly weighed the pros and cons of the ordeal. He supposed he could shoot up, then go and hope the suspense would explain his shaking. It didn't seem like such a bad idea.
"Sure," he agreed.
"Great!" squeaked Naruto, "but who's driving us?"
Oh.
Snap.
Sasuke hadn't thought about that, and apparently neither had Naruto. So who could drive them? Naruto's mom wasn't home, and neither of them had licenses.
The only thing to do would be to call on the shark once again. With him driving, being late to their movie would be the least of their worries.
Sasuke got the feeling that Naruto wasn't all that comfortable with Kisame though.
…
What the hell.
She could deal with it.
"Kisame can drive. I'll call him up."
"You rely on him too much, Y'know," Naruto warned, "besides, I saw him pick you up yesterday. He left skid marks on the street."
"Well, no one's perfect. You should just be glad you didn't see any on the sidewalk."
----
Chibi Gaara: -dies from anxiety-
Me: -follows suit-
Chibi Naruto: -nervous laugh- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
Me: -revives self- Aaaaaah… My computer had so many issues during the writing of this chapter! Plus, my printer also ran out of ink, so my good ole' editors couldn't really EDIT this little shit! Nar!
Chibi Sasuke: This, by far, was the longest wait. Now I'm going to go a little OOC for a moment and say: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
Chibi Naruto: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
Chibi Gaara: -alive- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
Chibi Neji: STFU.
Chibi Naruto: O.o
Nelson: Foo!
Me: Ah, hah… well, anyhow, the option of doing me enormous bodily harm because of the wait still remains. However, I'm going to try to curb your anger by restocking my supply of cookies, pie, and… –drum roll-
Chibi Naruto: RAMEN!
Chibi Gaara: Yes! Virtual ramen! What could be sweeter?
Chibi Naruto: A COOKIE!
Chibi Gaara: That was a rhetorical question.
Chibi Naruto: Oh.
Chibi Gaara: Idiot.
Me: I promise that I'll try to update as often as I can, but writer's block and school are two major obstacles I have to bust through, and by God, I will break through, be it by hammer, tooth and nail, explosives, or spoon!
Chibi Gaara: And, as always, you reviewers are everything a writer could ask for! Support Swirl-chan in her time of dire need! Review, review, review!