Kowalski sighed scratching out the equation he'd been working on and glanced at the clock on his small desk to see that 40 minutes had passed. He had hoped that he'd be able to find some sanctuary from the ongoing celebration by slipping away to hide in his room. A part of him knew he should be down celebrating Rico's newly cleared for active duty status with everyone else. It had been a grueling four and a half months of recovery full of so many ups and downs that no one had been sure about what would happen with Rico.

Yet, once again, his teammate had done the impossible and pulled through despite the odds. It was something worth celebrating, but Kowalski was acutely aware of how the dynamic of the team had shifted. It had left him feeling out of place as he watched everyone interact while he stood off to the side nursing whatever fruity cocktail Julien had pushed into his hand. At one point, Hans had turned away from his conversation with Skipper and Marlene and caught his gaze with a raised eyebrow and vague gesture to where Rico and Julien were chatting or more accurately Julien was chattering and Rico, with the patience of a saint, listened to the ramblings. Still, the look Hans had sent him caused a wave of hot shame to wash over him. He wasn't sure how Hans seemed to be able to just look at someone and know all their secrets or fears, but it unnerved him to no end and he had quickly retreated to his room to wait out the rest of the night.

Even though being alone with Rico for any extended period of time put him on edge, but not as on edge as being alone with the thoughts and feelings that he had forced himself to sweep under the rug. He was trying to on be the type of friend Rico deserved especially now that a distance that had begun to grow between them. In part, it was due to the literal miles separating them, yet most of it seemed to stem from Kowalski's behavior before, during, and after the whole Doris fiasco. Of course, in the little time they had talked or rather Rico listened while he rambled off a half-assed apology, the younger man had forgiven him for the way he acted, but he knew that Rico was still bothered by the ordeal. Rico claimed that he didn't remember a lot about what happened, but Kowalski knew better and found there to be some saving grace that he had yet to tell Rico that he knew about how the other man felt towards him.

The soft sound of the door opening made Kowalski frown and tense up, worried that Hans might have decided to track him down. He was surprised to see that it was Rico, although he didn't seem to notice him as he made a beeline to his own bed and flopped onto it face first letting out an exaggerated groan.

"Running from your own party?" Kowalski asked and then chuckled as Rico jumped and turned over to look at him with wide eyes, clearly startled. "Sorry, I'm surprised you were able to get away at all. Everyone is excited to have you back, although excited may be an understatement given Private's poetry performance."

Rico sat up and made an exaggerated gagging sound which made Kowalski roll his eyes.

"You do know that mushy-love sensitivity isn't really a thing right?"

Rico laughed softly at the question and gave Kowalski a small nod before standing and making his way across the room. "Love is complicated. Hurts." He offered as an explanation as he sat down on Kowalski's bed.

Kowalski shifted in his chair so he was facing Rico. He noticed that he looked tired and had a weariness about him that he had only seen a handful of time in all the years he had known him. "It is complicated. There's so many different ideas and beliefs about love." Kowalski spoke carefully considering his next words, "for example, the ancient Greeks believed in 8 different types of love: eros erotic love, philia is affectionate love, storge or familiar love, ludus known as playful love, mania obsessive love, pragma enduring love, pilautia self-love, and agape the selfless love. What's interesting is that all these different types of love intertwine and can turn into another type over time." Kowalski stopped and looked to Rico and saw the other man was enraptured.

"I know that I loved Doris," Kowalski paused watching for some type of reaction before continuing, "and at first the love I felt for her was innocent in a way like young love is, essentially ludus, but over time it became pure mania. You guys always used to joke and tease me about how I was obsessed with her and you were right. I was completely obsessed with Doris and maybe I was just obsessed with the idea that someone loved me. I don't know for sure, since I'm not an expert about love, but what I do know and believe is that the right types of love aren't supposed to hurt."

Rico rolled his eyes and snorted in disbelief, "yeah, right."

"I suppose it is a little flawed, but all philosophies are." Kowalski looked back over to the scratched-out equation. Before turning his attention back to the other man. "Rico, I – I found your sketchbook back when we were going after Doris. It was after Hans took you back to base. I couldn't sleep so I was looking for a distraction, you know how that is, but when I went digging for my notebook I found your sketchbook instead…." The words died on Kowalski's tongue as he saw the growing fear crossing Rico's face.

"Did you?"

"Yes." At Kowalski's answer Rico looked away from him and seem to close in on himself. "I found it hard to believe that you'd feel that way towards me and I wouldn't find it hard to believe if all I've done and said has changed that. Regardless, I can't say that I would've behaved any differently if I had known sooner because I never saw you that way and I don't feel that way towards you now. Although to be honest I'm not even sure what I feel towards anyone or anything anymore. Kowalski shook his head and let out a bitter chuckle, "I don't deserve to have you in my life, in any capacity. I mean, even if I felt the same, you deserve so much better than me for thousands of reasons. But, I hope that you're still willing to call me your friend after everything."

Rico smiled briefly and whispered a soft, "always."

That surprised Kowalski and there was no way he could hide his shock when Rico looked up his eyes shining with what could only be unshed tears. Without another word, Rico stood and left Kowalski alone once again to rejoin the party below. It made Kowalski feel as though he should have never said anything to begin with, but as the minutes passed by he realized that it wasn't that have shouldn't have said anything, it was that he hadn't said the right things.