Thanks to everyone for your incredible patience and kind reviews. I saw StrangeAttractors's review last week and I was like "success! I FINALLY am writing an update!" In particular I want to thank DC41781 for the shout out in your story The Art of Deception. That was quite the honor. Also siophiefandom - you are so kind to not only post wonderful stories but review so many others. I really feel like you are this incredible, positive force in this fandom.

Anyway I'm sorry about the delay. But I hope it is worth it as this is the largest chapter yet, and definitely the one I kept thinking of when I first started this story. Just in case I didn't make this clear in previous chapters, the portions in italics are scenes from the show with some inner thoughts and feelings of the characters to flesh out this version of the events. Occasionally they serve as a way to indicate some first-person thoughts in other scenes, but they are mainly to say "hey this happened on the show, hence the launching you into a scene randomly."

Chapter Ten: No One Here Can Love or Understand Me

Spencer was confused as she woke up. She was facing her desk where her computer sat, curled up against the edge of the bed. Then she felt the arm wrapped protectively around her. She remembered it all at once in bright flashes like she was seeing a roll of pictures fly by. She turned and saw Paige sound asleep next to her. Spencer gently started to shake Paige's shoulder.

"Paige. We fell asleep. We have to get up and get ready for school." Slowly Paige blinked her eyes open, taking in the situation. When she truly focused on Spencer, her eyes widened in surprise. "I know." Spencer whispered, trying to make Paige understand that she felt the same way. She couldn't believe they had slept together. And she had no idea how to express how it had felt.

So instead Spencer slid out of her bed, stretching out her arms and reaching out to open her blinds. Like it was a normal weekday morning and she hadn't just slept with her best friend's girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend she reminded herself. And there was Toby. Toby who had loved her unconditionally. What if he found out? Suddenly the little food she had consumed for dinner came up as bile, threatening to make her sick. She tried hunching over her desk chair, trying to gain her bearings.

"Spence…" And then Paige was with her, touching her shoulders firmly but gently. Spencer didn't turn around, trying not to give in.

"What I did last night…" Spencer began, shuddering from another wave of fear and nausea. She had messed things up so badly this time.

"What we did…it wasn't just you. I was just as much a part of this as you." Paige emphasized the word we, trying to remind Spencer that whatever this was, they were in it together.

"Fine what we did…Paige…" Spencer began again, still not sure where she was going or what she wanted to say.

"Do you regret it because I'm a girl?" Paige asked quietly. That quietly desperate question made some small part of Spencer resolute.

"I could never regret it because it was with you. I just regret what it means for the other people in our lives. People who love us…"

"I know." Paige agreed, her hands now trailing down Spencer's arms before entwining with her hands. "But I think…I think we needed that." Spencer looked down at her hands in Paige's. She could feel Paige's breath on her neck.

"I wish things were different." Spencer suggested, a hopeful lilt in her voice.

"Me too." Paige breathed. "Maybe…eventually…they can be. When all this is behind us." Spencer let that idea sink in for a moment. A world free of A. A world where they could wait…bide their time till it wouldn't hurt Toby or Emily for them to be together. It was like wishing to live in your perfect dream house in a perfect place. So beautiful and hopeless to think about at the same time.

Spencer turned in Paige's arms, now facing her. She realized Paige had put her jeans on, but was naked from the waist up. Spencer had managed to put on pajamas before falling into a deep, dreamless sleep the night before. She flushed in embarrassment as she gazed at Paige's body in awe. Their eyes met. The air seemed thicker.

"Let me make you some coffee." Spencer whispered to break the spell. Otherwise they would never be out on time.

"You don't have to do that." Paige replied, breaking her gaze away to grab the remainder of her clothes strewn on the floor.

"I want to." Spencer added. The spell had been broken, but she still wanted to feel some semblance of domesticity with Paige. Beautiful and hopeless indeed. Spencer's phone buzzed. She went over to check it and her heart sank as she read the message.

"What's wrong?" Paige asked, trying to button up her top while stealing glances at Spencer.

"Emily wants to meet up at the Brew…sorry but I should go." Paige looked hurt but nodded.

"I wasn't defending Ali. I was defending somebody from a long time ago…maybe somebody who never existed." Emily shook her head trying to dismiss the thought. "God, the thing I had with Paige was so genuine." She added, emotion coating her words like honey.

Stress felt like a knife wound in Spencer's stomach. Emily had said it so honestly and without pause. Suddenly the piece of toast she had haphazardly grabbed on the way out the door threatened to come back up.

"Can you fix it?"

"Sure, yeah. I can go up to Paige and say, 'So you were right all along. My bad. Let's kiss and make-up.'" Emily replied flippantly. But Spencer knew that's all it would take. Paige might be a little confused but she still loved Emily. Before she could say anything, Emily's phone buzzed.

"It's Ali." And just like that they could shift the conversation away from the person Spencer couldn't stop thinking about. Things will never work with Paige. It was foolish to think they could, even for a weak moment. Spencer tried to remember that.

Paige didn't realize how different everything would feel. She had thought only the first time really made the world seem different. Realer and further away at the same time. But going to class after spending her night with Spencer made everything feel more alive. She felt sore in the arc of her foot, her thighs…all the muscles that had tensed so often yesterday.

"Paige?" Paige broke away from her thoughts. It was Sarah. She grimaced in response to the other girl's obvious excitement.

"Sorry Sarah. I know I had notes for class before but I'm lost on the new lesson we are learning. I'm afraid I can't be much help there."

"Oh no…I mean thanks but…do you need help with class?" Sarah sputtered out, turning a little red as she spoke. Paige realized Sarah probably thought she was falling behind in her classes. Of course Sarah would think that with all her absences coupled with staring off in space when she actually was in class.

"Uh…I know I may not seem like the brightest but I'm fine with my course load. I actually might be able to graduate early." Paige replied, slamming her locker to emphasize her point.

"Sorry that isn't what I wanted to ask. Although I'm happy to be a study buddy and I know you're smart…I'm in class with you. I hear your comments so…well I came over to invite you to this movie thing." Now Sarah was completely flushed. Paige felt her own embarrassment, now realizing what the other girl was trying to ask. Sarah pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear and looked down at the ground. Paige realized she must be taking too long to respond because Sarah mumbled never mind and started to turn away.

"Wait I'm sorry. I just came off like a jerk. Honestly I'm flattered but…"

"No I get it. Bridget told me you were still hung up on Emily Fields. Please forget I asked." Sarah finished before walking away too fast for Paige to stop her.

"What was all that about?" Spencer asked. Paige suddenly felt like she was in a dream. A weird, vividly realistic dream she would have to wake up from. It seemed like reality, but everything was slightly distorted and wrong. And what should she say to Spencer? That someone else asked her out but she was already starting to feel the sinister hope that her and Spencer could somehow make things work?

But maybe Spencer needed reassurance that is what Paige wanted. After all she had just mentioned it in passing this morning.

"She asked me out. But I fumbled my answer and she realized I was trying to say no." Spencer looked irritated, like she hadn't even paid attention to what the conversation had been all about.

"Paige…Emily regrets leaving you. She told me this morning." Paige had already started to open her mouth in response, but the shock of what Spencer said hit her before she could formulate her next sentence.

"Wait what?" Paige took Spencer's hand before remembering where they were. Spencer ripped her hand away like the contact burned, before hastily looking around them to see if anyone had noticed. The actions hurt a part of Paige's heart she hadn't realized was vulnerable.

"This…this can't happen. We need to be the people we are. The people we are supposed to be." Spencer explained, trying to sound rational. She'd read once it was a good way to try and calm someone else down during a confrontation, to act calm and reasonable. The strategy wasn't working with Paige though. The girl looked even more devastated. She shook her head, staring into Spencer's eyes.

"We can't just pretend nothing happened between us." Paige said softly. "I didn't think Emily…she's been so caught up with Alison. I never thought…" She trailed off, which Spencer felt was the confirmation she needed. Paige wasn't completely over Emily. "I never thought she would think of me that way again." And I had just started getting over her. Finally. With you.

"Look…think hard about this Paige because…we only get so many chances. If you want to make things right with Emily or if you want to go on a date with Sarah you can do those things." Spencer felt relieved when the bell went off. "I have to go." She whispered, shuffling away before Paige could speak.

"Sarah?" The girl turned around, not smiling when she said it was Paige. "Listen…I'm sorry about earlier. Does your offer still stand? The movie thing? They didn't cancel the movie on account of me flubbing my answer?" Paige joked, trying to smile.

"Uh yeah…well I mean no. It is tonight which I realize is short notice but then I just thought…life's short. And I should ask anyway." Sarah smiled, and for a brief moment Paige felt a flicker of hope. This wasn't a terrible idea. She was young and was entitled to terror-free fun.

"I think I might have heard about this. The old-timey movie screening? Isn't that a dress up thing?" She asked, trying to keep her swirling emotions in check. This was normal. This is hope people normally met and went on dates.

"It is! So put on your best old-timey outfit and I can come pick you up. Say around seven?"

"That sounds perfect." Paige said. She felt fine for just a few more moments before she felt confused and heartbroken all over again. What was she doing? Making things even more complicated.

"Sydney may be a liar, but she's a damn good swimmer. I liked having her on the team."

"She still is on the team. That way we can keep an eye on her." Paige nodded, seemingly satisfied by her answer. But she still seemed cold, distant. It was so rare for Paige to be this way with Emily. It reminded her of how they were when they first met. Back then Paige had secret feelings for her, and Emily wondered if it was even possible Paige could still feel the same way.

"How does it feel, being back in the locker room?" Paige asked, still seeming to be thinking of something else.

"Feels good…seems like the only place I see you is at practice." Emily ventured. Paige wondered about what Spencer had told her. Was it really true Emily might want to get back together? Even after Alison had returned?

"I know. It's..."

"Complicated. Paige, we need to talk. Maybe tonight?" It was far more complicated than Emily could ever know. But a chance to talk with her alone and actually address one of the elephants in the room would be wonderful. Then Paige remembered her date with Sarah.

"I've got something tonight, but, yeah, we should talk." Emily looked slightly dejected, saying it was okay before getting up to walk away. Then she met Paige's eyes again, and Paige wondered why it had to take all this for Emily to look at her that way. Like she was the object of desire instead of a standard comfort that could be picked up or put away as needed. There were many times in their lives Paige would have done anything for Emily. But could she really give Emily another chance when their future seemed so hopeless?

Spencer's words echoed in Paige's mind as she walked away: 'Look…think hard about this Paige because…we only get so many chances. If you want to make things right with Emily or if you want to go on a date with Sarah you can do those things.'

Paige didn't want to lead Sarah on, but an evening with someone new, someone she barely knew sounded refreshing.

'This…this can't happen. We need to be the people we are. The people we are supposed to be.' Spencer thought to herself, repeating the sentences like a mantra in her head. Because it was something to strive for. She was sitting on her couch, kissing Toby passionately and trying desperately to follow her own advice.

It wasn't that she didn't enjoy being with Toby. He was comfortable and familiar and he had been there for her so many times. But that was just it. When you are dating someone who functions more like the knight in shining armor in a storybook than a flesh-and-blood person, you start to wonder if you are with them because you want to be or you're supposed to be.

Still, she pulled away and smiled, trying to think of something clever to say.

"You're going to make an excellent authority figure."

"Where is everybody?" Toby asked, looking around.

"My mom is taking marathon depositions and my dad is staying at his club, which was something I only thought men did in old movies." Toby smiled a bit, and Spencer leaned into him again, trying to remember all the things that had attracted her to him in the first place. And trying to overcome the guilt she felt at thinking of Paige and the night they had spent together.

"And Melissa?"

"I don't know. She may be back in Europe. She may be at the Edgewood Motor Court. The only thing I know for sure is that she isn't here. Hey, when was the last time you saw Caleb?"

"Um... Couple of nights after my house blew up. I checked at the cabin to see if he needed anything."

"How did he seem to you?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

"Hanna stopped drinking, but he hasn't. He says it helps him sleep."

"Maybe it does."

"I think there's more to it than that." Spencer replied, surprised Toby was so nonchalant about his friend's behavior in the past few months.

"You think or Hanna thinks?" What did that mean? She wasn't sure if Toby was implying he was more dismissive or her or Hanna's opinion when it came to Caleb.

"He's different. Not in big ways, but just... little things." Spencer tried to explain.

"Such as?" Toby asked, still not paying complete attention. Spencer knew he didn't completely believe her.

"He looks... There's a word that's lost all of its meaning, but it's what I think of when I see him."

"What word?"

"Haunted." That finally seemed to trigger realization in Toby's face. "What?"

"It's not drinking. It's something else."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because I saw that look that you're talking about. I saw it when he came back from Ravenswood."

It was nice to be on a date, out in the open. A year ago Paige would have been nerve-wracked to be seen in public with another girl, but Sarah had put her right at ease. She had picked Paige up promptly at seven, and Paige offered to treat her to a coffee before the show. She was exhausted emotionally from the past twenty-four hours, and swim practice had knocked her out physically.

Paige walked into the Brew and quickly got the drinks and paid, turning around to see Emily.

"Hey."

"Hey." Emily's eyes travelled up and down Paige's body, taking in how dressed up she was. It was clear she had dressed up for a date. Maybe a formal event, but Emily couldn't think of any that would be happening that night. She looked beautiful.

"I didn't think you worked this shift anymore." Paige said, trying to think of anything to steer the conversation away from her outfit. She didn't really feel comfortable in dresses, but wanted to keep to the costume theme of the night.

"Uh, I don't. I mean I'm just helping out tonight."

"Oh."

"Are you going somewhere? I mean you must be going somewhere." Emily suggested, looking sad as the realization set in. Paige was moving on.

"Yes, I am going somewhere." Paige stood there, suddenly uncomfortable at the knowledge, so clear now, that Emily really wasn't over her. And that even though she had fallen for someone else she would always have feelings towards Emily. Especially in moments like these, where it truly seemed like Emily loved her. Even despite Alison being back and alive. Even despite the fact they would be three thousand miles away from each other next fall. Maybe she really did need to have that talk with Emily after all.

"In fact I got to go." Paige said, flushed with emotions.

"Okay. Have a good night." Emily said, still watching as she walked out.

"You tried." Spencer said, trying not to think about how Toby constantly tried to make their relationship work. And he really had tried to talk to Caleb, to reason with him.

"All I did was screw it up." Toby replied, throwing down his napkin and starting to walk out. Spencer knew she should just let him. She was stressed about Melissa, about A, about Paige, about herself. And seeing this person who had been her rock through almost all of it walk away just seemed like too much.

"Toby... Don't you run out on me, too!" He stopped, seeming to calm down.

"I'm not. I'm not running out on you. I'm sorry. I was... I was just mad at myself." He took in the emotion still on Spencer's face. "Are you okay?"

"Compared to what?" She was bitter and said the first response that came to mind. Maybe for a few hours yesterday she felt okay, but that was a temporary calm in the storm.

"Well, does this have anything to do with what Melissa sent you?" He asked. Because of course he wouldn't think it was about anything else.

"No. Yes, maybe." Spencer finally answered, covering all the bases.

It was clear Aria had seen her with Sarah. Paige knew that. But there was nothing she could do about it now. Maybe Aria would tell Emily, maybe she wouldn't. Maybe she would mention it in passing to Spencer. And Paige would be outed as whatever kind of womanizer she had become in the past day.

It's just an evening with a girl. You shouldn't have to feel guilty about that. You're not leading her or anyone else on. But Paige wasn't so sure she could trust her inner voice these days.

"So I think the first movie is Strangers on a Train. Have you seen it before?" Sarah asked, smiling at Paige. Paige tore her eyes away from Aria's gaze and refocused on Sarah.

"No I haven't. What's it about?" Paige asked, smiling.

"Two men meet on a train, get to talking and eventually end up revealing how they both have someone in their lives they'd like to murder. So they decide to switch murders so no one will suspect them." Sarah said, obviously excited to see it. Paige thought about it…two people who would do something no one would suspect of them. Covering their tracks.

"Sounds like it…escalates quickly." Paige offered, just trying to keep the conversation going. She could still feel Aria's eyes on her back though she was sure by now the other girl had better things to focus on.

"Yeah I guess so." Sarah grinned. "So…besides being in class with you I know you're on the swim team. What's that like? Why swimming?"

Sarah hadn't made a move during the movie, though Paige could tell she wouldn't have minded if Paige had taken her hand or made a move. Paige did take her arm as they walked up the stairs to the exit, wanting to at least be courteous.

When they arrived back at Paige's house, Sarah didn't turn off the car but she put it in park.

"I had a great time. Thanks for coming, and going the extra nine by dressing up. You look gorgeous by the way." She said, growing a bit red at being so bold. Paige flushed in response.

"You look fantastic Sarah. Thank you for a great night." Paige could feel the energy in the car change slightly, become a little more charged. Sarah leaned over for a hug and Paige reciprocated, hoping she was wrong. But she was right. When Sarah pulled back she only did enough to kiss Paige gently on the lips. Paige let the kiss linger for a second before breaking away, realizing how guilty she truly felt.

"Sorry if that was too forward."

"No…you did nothing wrong. I'm thankful you asked me out…"

"But there's still someone else. I figured. But a girl's got to try right?" Sarah said, smoothing over the situation. Paige allowed herself to relax a bit.

"No harm in trying. Have a good night Sarah."

"You too."

Paige waited till Sarah had pulled away before pulling her keys out her purse and getting in her car. Maybe it was past trying at this point, but Paige had to make her feelings known. Even if only once.

Fortunately, Spencer was the one who opened the door. She did the same double take Emily did at her little black dress, but her expression was different. Paige couldn't quite place the emotion.

"Paige…what?!" Spencer asked, opening the door wider to allow Paige in. Paige still had to brush past to actually walk in, noting the spark she felt as their arms brushed.

"Is anyone home? I'm sorry I came over without warning." She breathlessly apologized.

"No they're all out. It's okay…I thought I wanted to be alone but I could use some human companionship. Come on." Spencer instructed, leading Paige over to the couch. But Paige stayed standing.

"I went out to that noir movie night with Sarah. It was a dress up function." Paige answered, on auto pilot. And surprised at how eerily familiar this conversation felt. Spencer froze, turning around to face Paige.

"Oh. How was it?" Spencer asked quietly.

"It was fine. The movie was good and Sarah was sweet." Spencer nodded, trying to muster up a smile. But then Paige continued.

"It was a great night until she kissed me. And I realized she wasn't the girl I wanted to be on a date with." Paige husked her last few words, looking deep in Spencer's eyes.

"Paige?" Spencer asked as the other girl strode up and wrapped her arms around her waist, still gazing into her eyes.

"Spencer." Paige said.

"We can't do this anymore." But even as she said it, Spencer was leaning into Paige's embrace. Her strong embrace. Paige began by kissing her on the mouth, their tongues quickly meeting in the middle. But she wasn't content with that, already pulling away to trail kisses down Spencer's jawline and neck. Spencer felt herself being pushed back over the couch's armrest, her back arching as Paige pushed forward.

"I couldn't stop thinking of you. Of how much I wished I had been out with you…to have you on my arm in one of your dresses like the one you wore to the Halloween train. I know I shouldn't say these things…" Paige said, breathing heavily from kissing Spencer hard. And from trying desperately to show restraint. The restraint came more difficult when she met Spencer's eyes and saw the same struggle there.

Spencer traced Paige's jawline with a single thumb and the sensation felt nearly as intense as the make out session itself. Paige had never felt something this intense before, and wondered if it was just because of how illicit, how forbidden it was. But as Spencer pulled her down and started to run her hands up and down Paige's body, she knew it wasn't just the feeling they weren't supposed to be together that made it so intense. It was them together. It was how it would've always be if they could just be together.

"Me too. I wanted to be the one on that date."

"Then when Aria saw me with Sarah…I understood I was just dreaming. That it could never be like that."

"I need you again. One last time. Maybe it can help us get it out of our systems." One of Spencer's hands slipped under the hem of Paige's dress, caressing up over smooth skin. Paige froze, wanting nothing more than for Spencer to keep going.

"Please Spencer. I need it too." Paige said, her hips starting to move against her will, trying to get Spencer closer.

"This dress…I don't like it. It doesn't seem like you." Spencer said. It was the last words they exchanged for hours.