Conditions Of The Heart
(Chapter Eleven: Someday You Will)
The four of them sat around a table for dinner at a road side diner somewhere between Chicago and New York. They laughed and joked and talked and everything seemed to be going well. After a little while Elliot excused himself from the table to use the men's room, leaving Olivia and the two girls at the table.
"So Olivia, when do you think you and dad will finally get married?" Kathleen asked from across the table.
Olivia cleared her throat and took a drink of her iced tea. "I don't know. If we do…"
"When you do," Kathleen cut her off.
Olivia smiled. "When we do, I don't want to do it until all of you kids can be there. A wedding is a family event. And since I don't have any family, it is just that more important to have you kids there with us if the big day ever comes. I think that is something that your father and I both agree on. Right now we are trying to focus on getting all of you guys back to New York. Then we will go from there. Besides, he has not proposed."
"He hasn't?" Kathleen asked looking up at her.
Olivia shook her head. "But like I said before, we have only been dating for about three and a half months. It's a little early for marriage."
"But you would say yes if he did, right?" Maureen asked.
"Say yes to what?" Elliot asked as he sat back down to the table.
"Nothing," Olivia assured him. "Girl talk."
"Ahh, okay." He looked at Maureen and then at Kathleen as the girls looked at each other and laughed.
That evening Elliot got them checked into a hotel. Maureen and Kathleen in one room and he and Olivia in another. The hotel they had chosen came complete with an indoor pool, Jacuzzi and a game room. After dinner the four of them headed downstairs to check out the game room.
After about an hour in the game room and Olivia holding her title as air hockey champion, they all moved to the pool. They splashed and laughed and swam or a while. Then Olivia made her way to the Jacuzzi to relax, while Elliot was in the pool with the girls. Before long Kathleen had joined her.
"Hey," Kathleen said with a smile as she climbed into the water.
"Hey," Olivia replied.
"This feel so warm after the pool."
"It's nice. So relaxing," Olivia moaned softly.
"If you sit with the jet right between your shoulders it is almost like a massage."
"I think I need one of these in my apartment."
They both laughed. Olivia shifted her eyes to look down at a large band aide on Kathleen's shoulder. Kathleen caught her staring and smiled.
"It's a nicotine patch. They don't stick that well in water, so I put the band aide over it to help hold it on."
"Oh," Olivia replied. "How is that coming?"
"Okay. I have not had a cigarette in over a week. I still want them from time to time. But I made a deal with dad, that I would at least try this. I know he is just worried about my health and trying to help. I think he's right. And I am ready to quit."
Olivia smiled. "I'm proud of you. That isn't an easy habit to break."
"Thanks Liv," Kathleen said with a smile.
"Your father is proud of you, too. He worries so much about all of you. But you have grown up a lot these past few weeks. Making much more responsible decisions. And I am hoping that wont change when we get back to New York."
"I'm not going to go out looking for trouble, if that is what you're worried about. Infact, I was thinking maybe I could start classes at a different school. Make new friends and get in with a better crowd. I have a chance to change things and I want to take it. I don't want to get back into the drinking and partying and the drugs."
"The drugs?" Olivia gave her a worried look.
"I wasn't hooked or anything. Just a little bit of pot at parties sometimes. Or trying something new with my friends. I liked the rush, you know? But it wasn't long before a couple of lines and a joint mixed with a few drinks at a party and I woke up in some strange guys bed. Someone I didn't even know or remember going home with." Olivia watched as a tear slid down her cheek. "I'm not a crack whore, if that is what you're thinking."
"Of course not," Olivia said shaking her head. She could feel the tears welling up in her own eyes.
"I just got so lost. I was so far gone I didn't know how to get back. There was no one to talk to about it. All of my friends were doing it too. Mom only cares about herself and her stupid boyfriend. And dad…. He cares, but he would kill me before he even heard my side of the story."
She got quiet for a moment and watched Elliot splashing with Maureen in the pool in front of them.
"But the last time I woke up with a stranger…. I looked down at the man in the bed and realized that he was almost the same age as dad. I cried. I know this was out of control and I had to do something. So when we moved to Chicago with mom, I left the drugs and the booze back in New York."
"That's good."
"Yeah. The cigarettes were all that was left of the old Kathleen Stabler. I just hope that when I go back, my past is not sitting there waiting for me. I mean, what do I tell my old friends when they find out I am back and want to hang out. When there is a Friday night party and someone offers me a drink. How do I avoid this? Sometimes I feel like it will never completely go away."
"Kathleen, you are over the hardest part. You kicked the addiction. Now you just have to learn how to resist peer pressure. And I wish I could tell you it gets easier as you get older. But it doesn't. That is something you face your entire life. But I can tell you that is does get a little easier the more you know yourself. I'm thinking maybe when we get back we could find you a support group. People who are struggling with the same things that you are. People who truly understand what you are going through. People you can trust and talk to. I know a woman who runs a group for recovering drug addicts and alcoholics. I could give her a call if you'd like and find out when the group meets. I'll even go with you if you want."
"But I'm not an addict."
"No, but you have a history. And these people are not there to judge you honey, they are only there to help. Maybe talking to someone else who has been through this can help you through it. Kind of like the support groups you used to go to for the bipolar disorder. People who are just there to talk and help each other out. And who knows, maybe talking to you will help someone else."
"Yeah," Kathleen agreed with a smile. "Thanks, Olivia."
"You're welcome."
They sat relaxing for a minute as two guys in their early twenties walked past them. The guys smiled and stared and one of them winked in their direction.
"There you go," Olivia laughed.
"They were not looking at me, they were looking at you."
"At me? Honey, they are almost half my age."
"Maybe, but you're hot. That's what guys look for. And you have boobs and a perfect body, so I know they weren't looking at me."
Olivia laughed. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Guys like boobs. Come on, Liv. Don't act like you didn't already know that."
"And I do not have a perfect body. I try to eat right and get plenty of exercise to stay in shape."
Kathleen smiled. "Whatever you do, it's working. You look amazing."
"I have an idea. Why don't you come work out with me sometime?"
"Really? Yeah. We could even make it a thing, you know? Meet up a couple of times a week and go work out. Motivate each other. We could even ask Maureen if she wants to come along."
"Okay. That would be cool."
They sat quiet for a few minutes then climbed from the water and sat on chairs by the poolside.
"So, what about you? You have had boyfriends, right? Look at you. You are a smart, funny, blonde with long legs and big blue eyes. You're a beautiful girl Kathleen and any guy who cannot see that does not deserve you."
Kathleen smiled and took a deep breath. "But I'm not the pretty one or the good one, that's Maureen. Elizabeth is the smart one. Eli is the cute one, because he is the baby. Dickie is dad's first born son. And what am I? Trouble."
"You're the strong one," Olivia said looking into her blue eyes. "I know you are, because you get it from your father."
"You really think so?"
"I know so. I can see it. You are taking control of your life and changing things for the better. That takes a very strong person. You have given up the drugs and alcohol all on your own. You quit smoking. But you did it all for you. Not because someone else told you to. You are an amazing young woman, Kathleen Stabler. I just wish you could see how beautiful you really are."
"But it is easier for you, Olivia. You finished college. You have a really cool job. You could have any man you want. And for some reason you are still interested in my father."
"Trust me Kathleen, I have had to battle a lot of my own personal demons. Some of them I still struggle with every day. My life is nowhere near perfect. And I have made a lot of mistakes."
"Like what?"
"For starters, I had a rough childhood. My mother was raped, years ago. The only thing I have ever known about my father is that he was the man who raped her. That was when she got pregnant with me. Things were tough on her after that and she became an alcoholic. At times she was verbally and physically abusive and we fought all of the time. She and I were never really close. And she died several years ago. It was a hard time for me. It still is sometimes. But I got through it. Some of it I bad to face on my own and some of it your dad has helped me get through."
"I'm sorry, Liv."
"It's okay. Your past might be where you came from. But it isn't who you are."
"So your mother's rape, is that what made you want to work sex crimes?
"Part of it. But you know they are not all sex crimes. We work in the Special Victim's Unit. We work with rape victims and victims of abuse and children. I like helping people. I think that is the main reason I chose SVU. I saw what being a victim of rape took from my mother and how it effected me. I thought this way I try to help out other people who are dealing with a similar pain. Reach out to kids from abusive homes and help to make them safe."
"You are really good at it." Kathleen tipped her head to look at Olivia, "helping people. You helped me."
"I'm glad."
"You and dad are really close, huh?"
"Yeah. He is my best friend in the entire world and I love him with all of my heart."
"Being with you makes him happy. You make him smile a lot."
"I try. I like seeing him happy."
"Someday, I want to find a guy who looks at me like dad looks at you."
"Honey, someday you will."
"Someday."
Kathleen smiled at her and Olivia laughed.
"It is really going to be nice to have you guys around more."
"Yeah. I like hanging out with you, Olivia."
"Well, I like hanging out with you too."
"Looks like your dad and Maureen are ready to pack it in for the night. We should head back to our rooms. I'm sure it's getting late and we have to leave out early in the morning."
"We should be home tomorrow though, right?"
"Yes. I would say probably around six or seven o'clock."
"It will be nice to get to sleep in my own room again."
They stood up and wrapped themselves in towels as they walked back toward their hotel rooms.
"Olivia?"
"Yeah?"
"I know that you are probably going to tell dad the things we talked about. And that's okay, I guess. I understand why. I don't expect you to keep things from him. It is just that it's so easy to talk to you. You don't judge me or freak out when I tell you something important."
"Kathleen, I am always here when you need someone to talk to. I really enjoy our talks. And if there is anything that I can do to help you through a tough time, honey I would be glad to do it. But I think maybe you should give your dad another chance. Try again to talk to him. Sometimes it is just hard for him to realize that his kids are growing up. That you are not a little girl anymore."
"I don't know. He just freaks out and he yells. And he doesn't even listen to what I say."
"Maybe you guys need some alone time. Just you and him. To kind of get used to being around each other again. Talk to him about what is going on in your life. What movies you like and music you listen to. Stuff like that. Give him the chance to get to know you as this amazing responsibly young adult you have become. Then sit him down for a heart to heart. He will listen, Kathleen. He wants to know. He needs to know. It is just scary for him, too. We see people every day honey, girls your age who didn't get out of the drugs and partying in time. An we have to go and tell their parents that their daughter is never coming home. Or that she got high and drunk and was raped. It is very dangerous. And it scares him. It scares us both. That is why he panics when he finds out about partying and drugs. Because he is afraid of losing you. Because he loves you."
"I know. And I think that is a really good idea. To spend time alone with him and get to know each other better. It has been a really long time since dad and I spent any time alone together. I guess that is hard for him to do with his job and having five kids."
"Yes. But I am sure if he knew that you wanted to spend time together he would make it a priority."
Kathleen smiled.
"Olivia, do you think if you and dad do get married you guys will have kids together?"
"I would like to. At least one."
"Good. Because you are going to make a really great mom."
"Thanks. But you know, if your father and I do get married that would make me your stepmother."
"I know. And you are going to be a great stepmother, too. I know it is like some unwritten law that you are now supposed to like your new stepmother. But we all like you, Liv."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Seriously, dad could have done much worse. My friend Anna's stepmother is really ugly and she's mean."
"I feel bad for Anna."
"Me, too."
They laughed as they met up with Elliot and Maureen outside the hotel room doors. The girls hugged them both and said their good nights then headed to their room for bed.
Inside their room Olivia changed into a tee shirt and pair of boxer shorts and crawled into bed beside Elliot. She sank down into her pillow and turned out the light.
"So, how was your conversation with Kathleen?" He asked rolling to face her.
"Oh, it was nice."
"I saw you two and it looked like a pretty heavy conversation. I am glad to see her interacting so well with you. She was the one I thought there would be problems with."
"She has changed a lot in the last couple of months, Elliot. She has grown into a very responsible young woman."
"You think so?"
"Did you notice she quit smoking?"
"She did?"
"Yeah. She is wearing the nicotine patches. She said she has not had a cigarette in over a week. And she quit the drinking and partying. She wants to make a better live when she gets back to New York. And she really wants to talk to you about it."
"She can talk to me."
"I know baby, but she worries because you guys have had trouble talking in the past. She wants to start an open and honest relationship with you. But she is afraid that is she opens up to you, you will freak out and yell."
"Why would she think that?"
Olivia laughed. "Elliot, sometimes it is hard for young women to talk to their dads. But she wants to talk to you. To be open about her past and she needs you to accept it. I think you need to spend some time with her one on one. With both of them, individually. Find out who they are as adults. But, you have to keep in mind that they are adults now and not children. Kathleen is finally regaining control over her life and she is trying to look to you and reach out to you to help her figure out what kind of adult she wants to be."
"You got all of this from a one hour soak in the hot tub and a little girl talk?"
"I analyze everything, Elliot. Comes with the job and I don't know when to turn it off. She is trying to come clean with us. And she is desperately seeking our approval for the positive choices she is now making in her life. She is trying to be a better person. And she is looking to you and I for example."
"I am so glad that I have you in my life. You are an amazing role model for all of my kids. Especially for Kathleen right now. And I am so glad that she is bonding with you. She could learn a lot from you."
"Aww."
"I love you, Olivia."
She kissed him tenderly.
"I love you, too."
She snuggled back into her pillow.
"Oh, El?"
"Yeah?"
"She also asked me if when you and I get married we were going to have more kids."
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her we were already practicing."
Elliot reached over and grabbed Olivia and she squealed. He pulled her in against him and kissed her as he stared into her eyes. Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled.
"I told her that I would like to have at least one with you. Someday."
"What did she say?"
"She said good. And that she thought I would be a good mother and stepmother."
"She's right. I think you will make an amazing mother and stepmother. These kids adore you. They always have."
Elliot held her tight against him and kissed her forehead.
"So have I," he whispered.