Chapter Eleven: Vibrators & Mouth Breathers

"Would you like some tea, Mr. Pennyworth?" Ruby happily asked the money-man.

Ruby held up Alfred and imitated a deep voice, "No, Ruby. I don't want your tea."

"WELL TOO BAD!" Ruby shouted and poured the tea over the money-man.

Weiss stormed into the living room, "Ruby Rose! ALFRED IS WORTH THOUSANDS! Stop taking him lightly!"

Ruby pouted as she cuddled the sticky money-man, "But he's so….sweet."

"And filthy!" Weiss chastised Ruby. "Now he's covered in tea!"

"...Sweet tea?" Ruby innocently asked.

Yang suddenly walked into the room and sniffed, "Did someone just make a pun?"

Weiss shuddered, "My god...Yang is naturally attracted to puns."

Ruby sighed. "Yep. You know how most people walk into a kitchen when they smell bacon cooking?"

Weiss nodded. "Yeah…"

"Well it's like that with Yang…" Ruby stated. "Except with puns."

"Yang," Weiss said. "I forbid you from making any more puns."

The blonde raised her eyebrow. "Seriously? That's like asking me not to slap Blake's ass every time she walks by."

Blake walked out off the hallway with her nose buried in a book. When she passed Yang, she felt a firm slap right on her ass.

"See?" Yang shrugged. "It can't be done."

Blake scowled as she continued walking until she reached the kitchen.

"Well I'm asking you to try to resist making puns." Weiss said.

Yang sighed overdramatically. "OKAY, FINE."

"You're trying to think of one right now, aren't you?"

Yang ignored Weiss' question. "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity."

"You ARE trying to think of one," Weiss replied. "Oh my god, I can see right through you."

Yang grinned slyly. "I CAN'T PUT IT DOWN!"

Ruby snickered at her sister's pun and watched as Yang cackled and slapped her knee in jest.

Weiss turned to Ruby, "DON'T ENCOURAGE HER!"

Blake walked into the living room with a tuna sandwich in her hand. "Yang reading a book? The last time Yang read a book, it was her freshman year at Beacon."

"Hey!" Yang said in her defense. "That's not true! I read all the time!"

"Oh really?" Blake set her book down. "What's the last thing you read that wasn't one of your smutty fan-fics?"

Yang stammered, trying to come up with an answer. "I read an instruction manual one time."

"To what?" Weiss asked.

The blonde casually shrugged her shoulders. "Your vibrator."

"Which one?" Weiss immediately realized her slip up and clamped her hand over her mouth.

The room was silent for a moment before it was broken by Ruby.

"Ewwwwwww!" Ruby wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Speaking of vibrators," Yang said as she turned to Blake. "How have you and your detective been?"

"Yeah!" Ruby chirped, "You haven't been on a date with him for several days!"

Blake sighed. "We've been texting, but he's been really busy with the case he's working on, so we haven't had time to go out again."

"I bet he will call you soon!" Ruby said happily.

"Yeah!" Yang cut in. "He won't be able to stand being away from your bellabooty for too long."

Weiss moved the remains of Alfred and began scrubbing the tea stain left on the floor. "You are all such idiots…"

"God, where is he?" Tess muttered under her breath. It's not like that wanker to be late.

She was sitting behind her work desk scanning her computer for information - any kind of information - about the Dusty Bandits.

Maybe he's more obsessed about this case than I am...

"Hey, Eira." Another detective in a blue pinstripe suit walked up to Tess' desk.

"Hey, Dix," Tess replied with a smile. "How's it hangin'?"

Detective Dix raised an eyebrow. "Oh, hardy fucking har."

"Relax, Manny," Tess waved it off. "I'm just screwing with ya!"

Manny sighed as he shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, I know."

"So where've you been?" Tess asked as she crossed her legs.

"Back in Mistral," he replied. "We finally caught the scumbag that was terrorizing the continent."

"The guy that only needed to know someone's name and face to kill them?!" She asked. "How was he doing it?"

"It was so weird!" Dix replied. "He killed them with a notebook. That guy was a real douche. Anyway, do you know where Wesley is?" Manny asked. "I didn't see his piece of shit car out front."

Tess tried to stifle a laugh. "I haven't seen him around today. I have nothing else to do...I guess I'll go check on him after work."

Ruby lifted the shot glass to her lips and gulped down the milky liquid. She slammed the shot glass down on the table and heartily announced, "BARTENDER! ANOTHER, IF YOU PLEASE!"

"How many do you need?" Weiss asked, clearly annoyed.

Yang pushed her sister away, "No! Me first! ANOTHER STRAWBERRY SUNRISE!"

Blake locked eyes with the blonde, she could swear they turned red. "Yang, I think you need to slow down. You're already on your third drink."

"But this is only Salty's first drink!" Yang loudly proclaimed.

"I. AM. NOT. SALTY!" Weiss yelled.

Blake was tired of Yang's drunkenness, "It doesn't matter that Weiss has only had one drink. You've had three."

"Yaaaaaaaaang," Ruby whined. "Let me have some!"

Yang took a swig of half the shot and handed the rest to Ruby. "Here ya go, sis!"

Ruby was about to take a gulp, but Weiss grabbed it out of her hand. "You're still underage!"

Blake sighed and shook her head in disappointment. "Can we leave now?"

"Nooooo," Ruby dragged out as if she was drunk. "We are just getting to the fun part!"

"By 'fun', do you mean the headaches and the hangovers?" Weiss asked.

"YAASSSS!" Yang bellowed.

The bartender sighed and shook his head as he went about cleaning the dirty beer mugs. Just then, the bar doors swung open, with four people in tow. RWBY and the bartender's eyes were on them.

"PYRRHAAAA!" Yang sloppily stumbled over to Jaune, Nora, Pyrrha and Ren.

Pyrrha stared with her mouth open as she watched the drunk blonde close in on her and the others.

"Nope," Pyrrha said as she turned around to walk back out the door. "Nope, nope, nope."

"Pyrrha!" Nora yelled as she grabbed her arm, "Come on! We're here have fun!"

Pyrrha hissed in a whisper. "Those four are nothing but trouble! All they've done is make our lives miserable!"

"IMPOSSIBRU!" Ruby yelled as she grabbed Jaune and set him down at the bar next to Weiss.

Pyrrha sighed but nonetheless took a seat next to Jaune, with Nora and Ren following.

Jaune casually turned to Weiss. "So Snow Angel. Tonight, you, me, my place?"

Nora wrinkled her nose in disguist, "Ewwwww."

"No one wants to hear that," Ren commented.

Weiss scowled, "I wasn't going to say yes."

Dejected, Jaune slowly turned back to the bar. "Long Island tea please."

"You know what that is, right?" Ren asked.

"Yeah," Jaune nodded. "It's tea, isn't it?"

Nora smiled suspiciously, "Well, you're not wrong."

Pyrrha groaned and rested her head against the bar. "This is gonna be a long night…"

"Remember when Yang drew a dick on Jaune's forehead at Beacon?" Ruby happily asked.

Pyrrha couldn't help but laugh as the eight walked home. "Those were goooooooood times."

"That thing didn't come off for twooo weeeeks!" Jaune slurred as he whined.

"Wasn't Scarlet the one who finally rubbed it off?" Weiss asked, clearly sober.

Ruby chuckled and muttered. "Heh. Rubbed it off…"

Jaune spun around drunkenly and closed in on Weiss. "The offer's stilllll open, Weisss. If you wanna come back to my place-"

"OUR place." Nora said.

"Yeah," Jaune said. "Our place…"

Weiss scoffed. "Turn around and walk forward you perverted mouth-breather."

"Why'd you have to make it personal?" Jaune dejectedly said as he turned around and slumped forward.

Pyrrha pat Jaune on the back. "I like your mouth breathing. It helps me sleep at night."

"Thanks, Pear…" Jaune said.

Ruby giggled once again. "Hehe, Pear."

Blake sighed. "C'mon, Ruby, that one wasn't even suggestive."

"And she's the one who's sober…" Weiss mumbled.

The eight entered the apartment building, hoping to get a good night's rest after their drunken escapades.

"Gooooooodnight," Ruby pretended to slur as she waved JNPR off.

Ren rolled his eyes, "Night."

Tess stumbled through Wes' dirty apartment. "Wes? Where the hell are you?"

The apartment was dark. The curtains were pulled and the lights were off. Only a few lonely rays of light from outside shined inside.

Tess flipped on a light switch and turned on the light in his living room. The place was a mess. Old pizza boxes were strewn across Wes' coffee table. There were about a dozen empty Starbucks cups littering his floor.

She resisted the urge to leave and come back with a mop and a vacuum, she pressed even further into his apartment. "And he thought I was bad…"

She eventually found him in his office perched like an owl on his chair. His eyes had bags under them from lack of sleep and obsession.

Tes walked in cautiously. "Jesus, Wes, you look like hell!"

"There's something here, Tess, I know it," he said. "I know I'm missing something."

Tess' eyes narrowed. "First of all, why are you sitting like that? And what are you talking about?"

"If I don't sit like this then my deduction ability lowers by forty percent…" He mumbled. "There MUST be something we're not looking at...something we're overlooking."

"Jesus, Wes." Tess put a hand on his back. "You need a break. How about going on a date with that Blake girl?"

"Yeah, uh, maybe I should." He said. "You might be right."

"Here," she handed him the phone. "Give her a call and see what she's doing tomorrow night."

After a few rings, Blake picked up the phone. "Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! How you doin'?"

Tess raised her eyebrows at the greeting. The two could hear her clearly loud voice even though the phone wasn't on speaker. It was obvious Blake had been drinking.

"Are...are you okay?" He asked.

"Oh yeah, yeah, me and the girls went out for some drinks and got a little buzzzzzzed," she replied. "Are youuuuu okay?"

"Yeah, I haven't slept for about 72 hours, so I'm kinda tired," he said. "Other than that, I'm fine."

"Oh wooooooww!" Blake said a little over-enthusiastically. "That's like a world record or something!"

Wesley laughed at Blake's giddiness. "Do you want to browse me some more tomorrow?"

Tess cringed, was this some sort of joke between those two?

"Hellz yeahhh," Blake replied eagerly. "What time?"

"I don't know," he said. "How about once you recover from your hangover?"

Blake did her best 'Tony the Tiger' voice, "GREEEEEEAAATT!"

Wes smiled. "Alright! I'll see you then!"

Tess watched him hang up the phone as he stood up. "You're right! I'm feeling better already!"

"That's great!" Tess said with feigned enthusiasm. "Now go take a shower. You smell like shit."

Mason: Weiss has vibrators. MANY VIBRATORS.

Toto: *Ruby wrinkled her nose in disgust* "EWWWWW!" Jaune is now a mouth breather, and Pear loves it! Creepy….