Sober

Without the chance of seeing Sara at her scene, Sofia's shift had been longer, or felt longer and lost it's charm. No Sara. Worse, Sara was somewhere with somebody, who made her take two nights off. Somebody important to her. More important than Sofia would ever be. At least that was what she felt and thought now. Add to these negative thoughts the dinner tonight at her parent's place, the three hours she was home late and a traffic jam on her way back. This wasn't a good day, not a good weekend.

Not very interested she took her mail upstairs, dropped it on the table and sat on the floor. Immediately Justice was there, jumped on her lap and wanted her attention. Or asked how her night was.

"Oh Justice, you know what? Sara is gone for two nights, took the weekend off to get out of town. You know what that means? There must be somebody, who is important enough to her, to leave out of the blue. My chances to have her are zero point zero. Or less. It's a disaster and I've no idea what to do next. It's like somebody kicked me into a hole and now I'm stuck there, have no chance to get out."

Her kitten dropped on his back, offered her his belly to pet, which Sofia did. She loved the soft fur there, loved the fact, Justice trusted her enough to offer her this sensitive spot of his body.

"As if that wasn't enough, my mom invited Greg and me to dinner. She met him at a scene, asked why we don't date, that she wants me married and with kids and now we've to get to her place and have dinner. She'll try everything to set us up. I need something good, something to lighten up my mood."

Wind came through the open window and blew some of the post down. An envelope landed next to her. The blonde starred at it, her name was written on it in the capital letters, she knew from all the other secret messages she got.

"If that was a sign of God or whoever, it's not a good one. Sara's gone, means, it can't be her, who left the envelope. Great, say goodbye to your dream of getting secret message of Sara, Sofia. Another dream is over." Not very motivated she opened the envelope.

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning
'Cos I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Again she saw Sara in these lines. The brunette also never tried to stick out the crowd, tried to be the center of attention. Like she had no problems to be alone, at least not until she found whoever made her take days off and realized, it was better to be with somebody. Why not Sofia? What did she do wrong, why wasn't she good enough? Was she unlovable? And like in the song, she wasn't home at four in the morning. They both weren't.

Aahh the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

She stayed up again too, they both did it most the times. Well, Sara probably this night not and if she did…Sofia didn't want to think about what the brunette did, why she didn't sleep. Who kept her awake. No, not nice thoughts. Sara in somebody else's arms, she didn't want her story to end like this. She loved happy ends and this was everything but a happy ending. Didn't she deserve a happy end?

I'm coming down, coming down, coming down
Spinning 'round, spinning 'round, spinning 'round
Looking for myself - SOBER

She was down, didn't think it could be worse. All the evidence pointed towards the fact, she lost Sara before she ever had her. Lost the chance ever to be with her. Not only was she unable to ask the brunette for something easy like breakfast together, no she knew now, there was somebody, who had breakfast with Sara this morning. Maybe in bed? Sara in the arms of somebody else, in bed with somebody else. Sofia's world spun around too, more and more and she felt sick, really sick when she pictured Sara in the arms of somebody else. Her stomach seemed to hate the idea too and she…Sofia jumped up, ran into the bathroom and threw up. Yes, she felt really sick. And she was sober.

Back in the kitchen Justice sat on the sheet of paper, like he wanted to read it too.

"I never had this before, never made me a thought physically sick. Am I losing it, Justice? Or is it evidence of how much I…I love Sara? I could cry when I think she's with somebody else, could open my window and jump out to get over the pain. I won't do it." She added fast. "I won't let you alone, I love you and I know you need me. When I found you, took you home, I took the responsibility for you and I will give you the life you deserve. Unfortunately I can't offer you a life without me whining at the moment, I'm truly sorry you've to get through all this shit. If I annoy you too much, leave the room, I won't be mad, I understand when you need your silence. It's amazing how you put up with my crap every day. You're really a patient and kind hearted cat, very understanding."

She sat down and took the paper in her hands. Time to finish the last lines, not that she didn't know how the song ended, but again, it wasn't the complete song lyrics she received, only parts of it.

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryn find a fit

It wasn't good anymore, she arrived at bad yesterday. When she blew the chance for breakfast with Sara, when Greg told her about dinner with her parents, when he told her about Sara having two days off, being out of town. So bad. She cried and she was sure she'd cry again, was far away from never again. She was broken down in agony, agony over losing Sara, never having a chance to be with her. How was she supposed to continue her life? A life without Sara seemed to make no sense to her.

"I lost Sara to somebody else, I lost her as a possible secret writer and I'll lose my mind when I'm at my parent's place tonight. The only good thing of the last hours was Greg's reaction to me telling him, I've a crush on Sara. He knew, he understands, he supports me with my parents." The blonde got up, the kitten in her arms, opened the fridge and got the cat food out. Time to feed her little tiger, he must be hungry after she was away for over twelve hours. The dry food she left him last night was gone.

"I miss her, Justice. I miss her so much, it hurts. Imagine I will never have her, will never be able to hold her in my arms, kiss her, spend my life with her, makes me sick, hurts like hell. Agony caused by thoughts, is that a mental or a physical problem? Or both? Shall I see a internist or a psychiatrist?"

Looking into her fridge for her breakfast she realized, she wasn't hungry. Worse, the thought of food made her feel sick again. No food, no coffee. She'd go to bed and hope for some sleep. When she looked as shitty as she did last night, her mother would ask a lot of questions and Sofia had no idea, what to tell her. Not the truth, not why she felt like this and there were no stories, that came close enough to the truth, to make the captain believe her.

When Justice jumped on her bed, walked over the blanket to her head and placed himself next to her face, she closed her eyes. Her tiger was with her, she wasn't alone. Somebody was here, somebody loved her, wanted to be with her. She wasn't completely alone. There was some hope left, wasn't it?