Chapter 11

Carrot, Constable Visit and Moe Bile, a new recruit, were all on patrol together. Normally Carrot would be paired up with Angua, but she was taking the day off to spend some quality relaxation time at a Quirmian spa resort. It had been a gift from Carrot for her birthday a month ago and, after some gentle prodding, she'd finally agreed to go.

Constable Visit was having a one sided theological debate with the poor recruit, who was wondering why his brother never mentioned this whenever he talked about being a watchman. Carrot walked along, smiling at people in the crowd and frequently stopping to talk to some. He knew almost everyone. Except for a strange man leaning against the wall across the street. He was heavily armed and carried the look of someone who shouldn't be bothered, unless you wanted to commit suicide. Carrot knew that he was a good chap inside however and so walked right up to him, manner open and friendly.

The man was shorter than Carrot by about a foot, but only turned his head to watch Carrot approach, seeming to size him up and coming to the conclusion that he was no threat. A look of confusion and suspicion crossed his face when Carrot introduced himself, and he straightened when Carrot asked for his name in return.

"um… er… well," he said as though unsure whether to give it. Looking into Carrots' face however he decided it couldn't hurt. "Shapur."

"That's an interesting name Shapur, you are Klatchian?"

Shapur nodded in response, unsure of how to deal with Carrot's friendly onslaught.

"Well Shapur, I'm sorry to bother you, but you appear to be carrying a large amount of weapons, and this device on your arm also seems to be quite deadly. It may be necessary, for public safety as well as your own, for you to hand them in to the watch for safe keeping. You will receive a receipt and may pick them up when you intend to leave the city," Carrot explained.

The man seemed stunned, looking down at his weapons. After some encouragement he began to follow Carrot to the nearest watch station, looking rather sheepish. Then two people, dressed in a similar fashion to Shapur, stepped out of the crowd and blocked Carrot's way.

"Shapur, wake up. You've just been hypnotised by our enemy!" the woman said in Klatchistani, then said to Carrot in Morporkian, "Stand back watchman, he's with us. Try to impede us and you'll be dead quicker than you can blink!"

At this point, Constable Visit noticed the strangers and came over to assist Carrot, to the relief of Lance-constable Bile.

"Hey, you look like that Hashishim we – "

He was cut short as the woman snatched her whip from around her waist and swung it, the end wrapping tight around Visit's throat. He gurgled, hands flying up to his neck to try and get it off. Carrot saw blood trickle down onto Visit's shirt and realised the whip had claws on the end.

Boniface, he thought, before stepping forward and punching the woman in the stomach. She doubled over and the whip loosened enough for Visit and Bile to pull it off.

The other hashishim then drew their weapons, ready to fight. Shapur loaded five iron spikes into the devices on each arm, while the other man unsheathed two swords from his back. Carrot withdrew, pulling the stricken Visit with him. The crowd also pulled back to a safe distance, but stayed close enough to watch the fight.

"We're done for! And on my first day too!" Moe cried in panic.

However a group of several assassins jumped down from the roof behind them and immediately engaged the hashishim.

They more or less failed.

Shapur was deadly accurate with his spikes, and the whip the woman used was more than capable of liberating daggers from their assassin owners. The last hashishim could wield two swords like no other, a machine of whirling metal and death. Moe was certain the blades passed through him once or twice.

The assassins, though outnumbering the hashishim two to one, soon realised the battle was going against them and ceased their attack. Two lay dead and the remaining four were wounded. The hashishim and assassins glared at each other across the street, neither side retreating or attacking.

Then Vimes turned up, followed by four troll and golem officers.

"Stop! Right there! You are under arrest by the Ankh-Morpork city watch," he shouted and held up his badge.

The whip shot out, wrenching the badge from his grasp. The woman caught it and smirked at the irony of a tiny defenceless shield before passing it to Two Swords.

Vimes doubled over in pain, cursing profusely, and wrapped the end of his shirt around his lacerated hand to try and stem the bleeding. He'd probably need stitches.

Suddenly the woman turned and grabbed hold of Two Swords' arm.

"I'm hungry, I need a kebab," she said, squeezing hard. "I really need a kebab."

"Now?" he asked, a grimace briefly crossing his face as she increased the pressure of her vice-like grip.

"Right now!"

He nodded and she let go. He then pulled out a small black sphere, and threw it to the ground before Vimes and the assassins. They jumped back just in time to avoid the wall of fire as it shattered on the cobblestones.

When the smoke cleared they found the hashishim had disappeared.

Mr Goriff of Mundane Meals waited impatiently as his wife made kebabs. Never in his wildest dreams had he thought that the feared hashishim would come to his shop, let alone Ankh-Morpork! He fidgeted nervously, trying to look anywhere but in their direction without seeming rude. At least they weren't trying to kill anyone.

Dear gods, that fellow over there is still happily eating his curry, completely unaware just who these people are!

They stood patiently waiting… except for the woman who was hopping on the spot and chewing her whip. Goriff wondered if they all had different symptoms of madness.

Shapur carefully put his throwing spikes away, still embarrassed about his encounter with Carrot. He probably should have killed the man, and given more time he would have if Roxanne had not suffered from a sudden bout of inconvenient hunger. They seemed to afflict every long term user of hashish. They were always random, you could never predict when they would happen, and they were so sudden and crippling. One second you'd be fine, then next it was as though you couldn't live much longer if you didn't eat something.

The man serving them finally brought Roxanne her four kebabs and she nearly snatched it out of his hands. He seemed too scared to be offended. Shapur watched as their third member, Xavier, tried to give the man payment. He held up his hands, repeating that it was on the house, a gift. Xavier shrugged and placed the money on the bench top before leaving. Roxanne smiled gratefully at the man, mouth stuffed with food, before she turned to follow Shapur out.

Mr Goriff counted slowly up to a hundred, before asking his son to go on a delivery… and casually visit a watch house on the way back.