Chapter 11 - The Full Story (Posted 14 March 2011)

A/N: Now for some Jarlos, but only one chapter instead of two this time. Next few chapters will be Kogan and then I think the rest of the story is going to bring the two together.

James was currently sitting on his sofa with his arm around Carlos. They'd just had dinner, which James had prepared completely from scratch, and were now enjoying some ice cream as dessert.

"Moose Tracks is my favorite ice cream." Carlos said as he took a bite.

"I know, that's why I bought it." James said sweetly.

"You are so good to me."

"I try my best."

Carlos smiled and leaned over to kiss him, tasting the ice cream still on his lips. "You know, James, I think we're gonna be together for a long time."

"I sure hope so."

"I think it's time for me to tell you more about my life... unless you don't want to hear it..."

"Of course I want to hear it, Carlos." James said and brought him closer so they were leaning against each other. "I told you, you can tell me anything."

Carlos looked at James and found the strength he was looking for in those big, beautiful eyes. He took a deep breath and began. "When I was fifteen, I met Xavier. He wasn't really my type, he had sort of a darker personality and he was too serious sometimes, but I hung out with him because people thought he was cool. And then they thought I was cool. People didn't like me very much... so I liked that feeling, you know? Everyone wanted me. I knew they were all shallow, but I didn't care. They liked me, and that was all that mattered."

"How could anyone not like you?" James was greatly confused. Carlos was fun and outgoing and, even though he was afraid to get involved in meaningful relationships, he always just did his own thing. He didn't let anyone else influence him.

"I actually don't know the answer to that. Probably because there were a lot of bad people in that area, and of course my dad was a police officer so he was always busting them."

"That's not your fault."

"I know, but that's how the people there saw it. So anyway, one day Xavier just asked me if I'd ever thought about being with a boy. The truth was I'd known I was gay for a long time, I just wondered how he knew I was gay. I was always acting tough and hitting on girls I knew I could never get and would never really want. But there he was, staring at me like he already knew the answer before he asked the question."

"What did you say?"

"I begged him not to tell anyone. I knew there was no use denying it, he knew for sure. I just didn't want him spreading it around. But he told me it was okay and that he was gay too. And from there we were inseparable."

"This doesn't seem so bad so far."

"Just wait. It gets bad." Carlos grabbed James's hand and squeezed it. James squeezed back, doing his best to let him know he was right there, and nothing in his past could hurt him anymore. "So, the time came when I was ready to come out to my parents. He'd already come out to his and I was introduced to his family. They were pretty nice but they warned me that their son had some issues. Of course I didn't know what they meant and I didn't really care. After all, he'd told me he loved me and I'd said it back."

"Did you really love him?"

"No. I thought I did... at the time. But even now I realize I was lying to myself the whole time. He was the only person who would have me, so I wanted to love him. And it was nice for a while. Until I wanted to come out. He told me that I wasn't allowed to because I was his and I had to ask his permission for something like that. And then... well, that was the first time he hit me."

"He hit you?"

"Yeah."

James felt anger begin to build up inside him. And then disgust. Who did he think he was? How dare he hit Carlos! Especially after he claimed to love him. "What did you do?"

"What do you think? I hit him back! And I hated myself for it. I felt so terrible. I'm not a violent person. But when it comes to defending myself, I'm not against it. Anyway I apologized about a hundred times right then and there and I just kept crying. And then he started crying and promising that he would never do that again and that he loved me and he didn't want to hurt me. I didn't know what to do. I'd seen shows about battered wives and things, and even though I felt funny comparing myself to a wife I was sort of scared. Because I knew that it could happen again. But I also knew that if I loved Xavier I had to give him another chance. So I did."

"Did it stop?"

"No. Every day, I'd ask him if we could tell my parents, and then he'd hit me. Afterwards he'd always start crying and he'd hug me and promise it wouldn't happen anymore. And I believed him, so I kept asking, and he kept hitting me. At first they were just smacks, they hurt but they didn't do any damage. Not physically, anyway. But then they progressed to punches. And I let it turn into full on beatings before I decided to do something about it. One day I went to his house and I told him that it was over and that he didn't own me and I was gonna tell my parents when I was good and ready, with or without him."

"Let me guess, he hit you again."

Carlos chuckled darkly before he started crying. "I wish. He punched me and kicked me until I was lying on the ground barely breathing. But it didn't stop there. His dad was a mechanic so there were lots of tools lying around the house. He grabbed this huge wrench... and..."

"Oh, Carlos." James felt himself begin to cry as well. He pulled Carlos even closer and hugged him tighter than he'd ever hugged anyone. He rubbed the poor boy's back and kissed his head. "You don't have to say any more..."

"Yes I do. I've let these memories fester in my head all these years. I've dated, but I've never let anyone in enough to help me get over the pain. I'm letting you in, James... and I need you to know this about me. I... I'm pretty sure I'm falling in love with you and I don't want a repeat of last time. I know you're not going to hurt me, but I can't shake this fear if I don't trust you enough to tell you about all this. You have to understand everything."

"Ok." James said, smiling though his tears. "I'll do whatever you need me to do, Carlos. If it helps, I think I'm falling in love with you too."

"It does help. A lot."

"Good. Did he ever... you know... force... anything?"

"No. Well, not exactly. I mean, I didn't want... I never thought I would matter to anyone that way, you know, I mean... I never... I figured I wasn't important enough to expect anyone else to want me that way, so I never protested. To anyone, really, until I realized there had to be someone out there who wouldn't just automatically expect it from me."

"You deserve so much better than that, Carlos..."

"I know, believe me, I know. But back then, no matter what anyone told me, no matter how they tried to cheer me up... no one wanted me for more than a night or two..."

"I hope you know you mean far more than that to me..."

"I do. We've been on so many dates and you haven't made me uncomfortable, not even once the whole time I've known you. You're letting me move at my own pace and that's never happened before. And part of me expects that one day I'll find out this was all just part of a huge plan to get me into bed but the rest of me knows that you wouldn't do that and that you mean everything you've ever said to me... and I know that sounds paranoid but I'm so afraid of getting hurt again it just... it clouds my perception of everything. But here you are making me feel like... like everything is going to be ok for us and I've never felt that before. It's so different and that makes it scary in its own way but... somehow you make that less scary too, if that makes any sense..."

"It makes perfect sense." James caressed Carlos's cheek gently, feeling his slightly tear-dampened skin. "No one has ever treated you like the amazing person you are. Now that I'm here you can see yourself more clearly and you know that this isn't a trick because you're too good for that. I don't know the full story yet but since the first time you mentioned you were hurt before, I've wanted to make sure you feel as special as you are. I hate that you had to go through any pain at all, but I admire you for being strong. And I admire you for being willing to take a chance on me even after you've suffered so much. I can be anything you need or want me to be, Carlos. And any time you feel scared, just remember that my goal is to take your pain away, not give you more."

"You're doing a good job so far."

"I'll keep doing it until the end of days if I have to."

"Ok. I think I'm ready to go on." Carlos said and felt James nod in encouragement. "Well, you can pretty much guess what he did with the wrench. I woke up two days later in a hospital bed. My parents were on either side of me, looking down with so much pity. But there was something else. They looked... angry. And I was scared. What did I do? Well, I found out. After Xavier beat me, his mom walked in and saw me lying on the floor and called for an ambulance. And while that was happening, Xavier was at my house telling my parents that I'm gay."

"Oh my god. That's..."

"It was bad. I'd wanted to do it on my terms, and explain everything to them, I wanted to tell them I was still the same son I'd always had been and that I loved them no matter what they thought of me. But no. He went and ruined it for me. Because I'd broken up with him."

"What did your parents say?"

"They said that they were disappointed in me. They weren't upset that I was gay, they were upset that I never talked to them about it. And they couldn't believe I was stupid enough to get involved with someone like Xavier and to keep letting him beat me. I knew they were right. But when they left and Xavier came in the room, all teary and snotty, I just... I felt bad for him, you know? No one would help him. He had some emotional issues that no one would talk him through and I felt like... I was the only one helping him."

"By letting him beat you up?"

"Yeah." Carlos said sadly. "I forgave him. But I was still mad that he told my parents. But he apologized and said that the only reason he did that was because he was sorry he hurt me. He knew I wanted to tell them so he told them for me. Deep down in my heart I knew he was lying, I knew he really told them so he could try and hurt me, but I wanted to believe him so bad. So I did. Obviously, my parents objected. They wanted me to find a good guy who would protect me and who would never raise a hand against me and would just love me as much as I loved him. But I was... I was too afraid I'd never find anyone like that. I mean, I had no friends, and the only boyfriend I'd ever had was beating me constantly and I just didn't see why anyone would want me. So I defied them and I stayed with him. And... you know this part... when they told me I wasn't ever allowed to see him again, we ran away."

"I wish I would have been there then."

Carlos smiled. "I do too. But we can't change it. I'm just glad I have you now."

"Is this helping? Telling me this?"

"Yes. It feels good to get it all off my chest."

"Good. I know it's hurting you to tell me... and it's hurting me to listen to what you went through... but I'm so happy you're letting me see this part of your life..."

"I'm happy too. To have finally found someone like you, James... it feels amazing."

"Is there more?"

"Yeah. The rest isn't so bad. We stayed with some people that Xavier knew, bouncing from apartments to basements to tour vans. We always got kicked out because he was too loud and violent. The beatings continued, sometimes happening two or three times a day even. And one day I just... decided I didn't want to live like that anymore. I knew I was better than that and that I deserved more even if I was never gonna find it. I would rather be alone than with someone like him. So I waited until he was asleep one night, and I left."

"You just... left?"

"Yeah. I didn't want to talk to him. I knew that if I did, I'd never leave. And I went back to my parents and they were so happy to see me. They were so proud. But I'd missed a whole year of school by then. And I didn't want to go back. But my mom had some connections, and got me a paid internship at a local newspaper. And I just worked my way up. And for someone who didn't even finish high school, I'm pretty good at my job, which is why most employers overlook my lack of education."

"What happened to Xavier?"

"Well... it's kind of sad. I mean, I never wanted to see him again and I hated what he did to me but... I'd always hoped he'd get some help and actually find someone. But he ended up drowning. No one knows if it was an accident or suicide or if someone was trying to off him. I was even considered as a suspect but his parents stepped up and said no way it was me. I'm very grateful to them for that... But that's pretty much it for my story. I've gone out on a lot of dates since then. And some of them have been pranks, which didn't help with my self-esteem too much after what I'd been through. You know, someone dares someone to ask out the Latino in the office. Or they bet that he's just a whore who'll get it on with anyone. That sort of thing. And eventually I just stopped. I'd flirt and even take numbers and stuff, but I was never serious about any of it."

"Until you met me."

"Yep. I looked at you and you just seemed... different. Genuinely interested. And then when you called me... I was so happy I almost pissed my pants."

James laughed. "You don't know how nervous I was about calling you."

"But I'm so glad you did."

"So am I."