Thanks for reading and reviewing the last chapter. Poor Negan right? Just an fyi, I have been working on the sequel to Without Darkness. I want to post something as soon as I tie up at least one of my other fics. I have too many plates spinning as it is, to add another would be difficult.

I don't own the Walking Dead etc. OC and non canon are mine. Mild inspiration drawn from Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window.

ENJOY!

Negan hadn't heard from Kayla for six days and six very long nights. Shane had stopped by to pick up her things, both men giving each other side eyes and scowls. Her brother hadn't asked about what happened and Negan could only attribute that to Kayla forbidding him to question their falling out. Shane couldn't possibly know the reason why because if he did, Negan was fairly certain he'd either be locked up or back in the hospital with a few more broken bones.

The bourbon was the first of his liquor to die a horrible death and then the beer. Eventually he took a cab to the store and picked up a few bottles of Jack to push himself back into full-blown alcoholic mode.

He knew he was back to spiraling out of control, the booze instantly becoming his crutch again. All the healthy habits he'd developed, eating right and hell even showering and shaving had gone out the window. Negan wasn't even sure if he was going to go work with T-dog, as the days passed in drunken stupors. He knew he would just fuck everything up again anyways. Why fucking bother?

He would kill to turn back time and either confess to Kayla long ago or maybe stop himself from becoming so obsessed with her. It felt as though he'd shorn off a limb with Kayla gone from his apartment and the empty windows across the courtyard did little to comfort him. Negan wasn't even sure if he'd ever see Kayla again, which was probably the worst thing that had happened to him since losing Lucille. He'd take a thousand broken legs, if he could just get a chance to explain to Kayla why he did, what he did.

A rapid knock had him peeling himself off the couch and shuffling to the door. Peering through the peephole, he found Sherry looking irritated.

"I hear you in there, Negan. Open the damn door."

"Fuck off Sherry." He grunted without opening it.

"Negan, don't make me raise my voice."

Groaning at the motherly threat, Negan scrubbed his face roughly, wiping crust from his eyes. Pulling the door open he kept his gaze narrowed and mouth firm. "What do you want Sherry?"

"Oh, Negan." She murmured, stepping forward with an outstretched hand. Negan stopped her from touching him with a sharp shake of his head. "Don't."

"What's happened? Where's Kayla?"

"She's gone."

"Why?"

Negan swallowed thickly and stepped backwards to let her inside, his eyes on the floor. Sherry walked in, stepping into the cluttered kitchen with a frown. "Negan, this is a lot of empty fucking bottles, when did she leave?"

"Six days ago."

"Jesus, your liver is gonna shut down." She gasped, her lip pulled between her teeth as she slumped against the counter. "Talk to me, Negan."

"She found out." He grunted, his fingers rubbing the bridge of his nose. "About me watching her. I... fuck I wanted to tell her. Every fucking time I'd start, I pussied out."

"Did you try to explain? I mean... does she know about Lucille?"

"Don't."

"But-."

"I'm not going to blame Lucille for me being a fuck up."

"No shit but does she know? Negan, you go through something like that and it changes you."

Groaning, he crossed his arms and sunk onto the sofa leaving Sherry in the kitchen. Following him out, she perched on the edge of the coffee table. "Negan."

"She knows about her. I didn't tell her about... the crash." he huffed out a breath and looked away from Sherry's understanding eyes.

"What about why you crashed?"

"She knows I was a drunk asshole."

"Negan when are going to admit-."

"Shut up Sherry." Negan growled, interrupting her as he always did. He never admitted that his accident wasn't really an accident, not to Sherry, not the doctors, not to himself. He wasn't going to start now.

"Fine but Negan, you love this girl. You can't let her walk away because she found out you like watching her live her life."

"First off I don't love her. She's just… my friend. And secondly, I invaded her privacy, I watched her and… fuck I can't even tell you how many times I jacked it to her."

"Jesus, Negan. I don't need to know that."

"Yeah and she doesn't either. I fucked everything up Sherry and there's no going back. Just like before. There ain't no going back."

Sighing, Sherry looked out the window and asked, "Is she over there?"

"No, she's at her brothers, I think. I doubt she's going to come back. Not with everything else happening here."

"What's happened?"

"They found a dead woman. Strangled."

Sherry's eyes widened at that and she asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"It kinda just happened when all this shit was going on. I didn't really give a shit as long as it wasn't Kayla."

"Well you need to fix this. You were just getting back on track Negan, I'm worried about you. When is the last time you showered or shaved?"

"Since she left, I don't know." He grunted, scratching his too long beard.

"How about you go do that, then we can go grocery shopping. I'm sure you have nothing but a liquid diet in your fridge."

Rolling his eyes, Negan glanced at the large window out of habit before dropping his gaze. "I'd prefer not too."

"Negan."

"Sherry. Please. Stop."

Sighing, she raked a hand through her hair and offered, "I'll make a run for you this time. I want you cleaned up and ready next week. Mondays we'll go shopping and you can run errands with me."

"I'm not a fucking child, Sherry. I don't need you to make me a schedule to follow. Besides, I'm supposed to start at the youth center in a couple days."

"Well you better get your shit in order Negan. I don't think you showing up drunk and homeless looking is going to fly."

Grinding his teeth, Negan couldn't keep eye contact with her. She knew him too well and would see right through his words. "I'll be fine."

"The last time you told me that I ended up getting a call telling me you almost died being a jackass." Sherry huffed, her concerned brown eyes filling Negan with guilt. She didn't deserve to worry about his fucked up ass.

"Look. I'll get cleaned up. Promise."

"No more booze."

Rolling his eyes, he offered, "No more booze before noon."

Snorting, Sherry stood up and headed to the front door. "I'll be back with food, shower and shave while I am gone. I can't even look at you when you look like this."

"Good, maybe you'll leave me the fuck alone now." Negan grunted while pushing himself upright from the sofa.

"Keep on dreaming, Negan."

He'd lied to Sherry. Negan's drinking was not under control and on the morning he was supposed to start at the youth center, he found himself passed out by the toilet. He could hear the phone ringing and couldn't give two fucks that he was burning yet another bridge.

Pulling himself from the floor, he shuffled into his bedroom and collapsed on his bed. He lay staring at the ceiling, swallowing through the ever-present knot in his throat. His eyes prickled painfully and not for the first time since Kayla walked out, they overflowed. The throbbing behind his shadowed eyes felt like a battle drum, the pulsing pain making him grimace. Rubbing his face of tears, he chewed his cheek harshly to keep from sobbing like a child. He was losing his fucking mind and nothing seemed to be worth holding onto, now that Kayla was gone.

A set of knocks had him waking up at some point later in the evening, the sound dragging him from his cocoon of blankets. He knew it was either Sherry or T-dog coming to yell at him about being a total fuck up. The thought of being scolded like some misbehaving teenager had him almost turning back around but instead he peeked through the peephole.

The sight had his knees buckling, his hands gripping the doorframe just before he fell to the ground. Unlocking the door instantly, he pulled it open to see Kayla fidgeting with her jacket. Her eyes widened a bit at the sight of him, causing Negan to avoid her eyes. He was ashamed by how quickly he fell apart.

"Can I come in?" She asked when he stayed unresponsive.

Nodding, he backed up into his place and closed the door before joining her in the living room. Negan soaked up the sight of her with greedy eyes, his palms itched with the desire to touch her. She wore her hair down, the healing side of her face partially hidden by swath of chocolate locks. It seemed as though she'd gain a little more weight back and her skin looked healthier but her eyes were tired. Negan could tell she hadn't been sleeping well, the shadows below her expressive eyes symptoms enough.

"Can I sit?" Her voice jolted him out of his intense observation, his eyes dropping away as she caught him looking.

'Stop fucking staring, you freak.' He scolded himself, his nails digging into his palms.

"Of course." He croaked audibly for the first time since she'd arrived, his voice as coarse as gravel.

They sat next to each other, both avoiding the others eyes until she finally broke down and asked, "why?"

"Why what?" Negan murmured, his thick lashes obscuring the subtle peek of his eyes. He couldn't stop looking at her. She was so damn beautiful, the scars having somehow enhanced it.

"Why me? Why were you watching me?"

"I…" he choked on the words he needed to say. However, if there was even a minuscule chance that he could somehow salvage what they had, Negan would do what ever it took. If it meant exposing his dark, ugly parts, he'd peel himself raw for her.

"I lost my shit when Lucille died. Near drank my damn self to death, at least I tried to." Shaking his head, he chewed his cheek as he remembered that night.

He'd spent it gulping whiskey like it was going out of style and flipping through a wedding album. The irony being he'd never even seen the damn thing before. That was what a shit husband he was. There he was mourning his dead wife, as though he earned the right, having never even seen their wedding photos before. He was a selfish prick and he didn't deserve to keep on living. Lucille had been a total sweetheart and he'd shit all over her. All over what they had.

He took his bottle and a folded up photograph of Lucille snuggled up to his chest as they danced as man and wife for the first time. Climbing into the car that he'd treated better than his wife, he headed to the straight away by the train tracks. The place had lots of old buildings with solid brick walls. Negan didn't want to involve any other vehicles with his suicide. No one else deserved to die because of his selfish fucking ass.

He sat at the end of the long street, revving his engine while cursing the world and everything in it. Popping the clutch, Negan peeled out, his tires spitting out gravel as he floored it down the road. He gripped the steering wheel with a gloved hand, while his other shifted into a higher speed, bringing him closer to his end. Streetlights passed overhead and the decrepit buildings flew passed the windows, as the engine roared in his ears like a feral beast.

It was mere moments before impact when his mind cleared and he realized what a horrible mistake he'd made. It was too late to do anything but brace himself. His leg suffered the majority of the impact because of his change of mind, his foot pressing the brake to the floor.

"My accident. It wasn't…. it wasn't an accident. I got real drunk on purpose and I took my car out for a high-speed spin into a brick wall. I wanted to die and that's what I tried to do. I tried to kill myself."

Kayla was frowning at the information but Negan continued. "I woke up and figured surviving was karma for being such a shit husband. I was a liar, a cheater and down right prick to Lucille. She deserved so much better than she got."

Kayla surprised him by reaching out and gripping his hand. Staring at the delicate fingers wrap tightly around his thick knuckles, Negan closed his eyes and absorbed the comfort she was providing.

"After everything, I couldn't live with myself, looking in the mirror at the fuck who cursed his wife to a horrible death because he was fucking asshole."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Doesn't matter, she's dead either way and all she knew at the end was that I was a selfish fuck. That she wasn't enough for me."

They sat in a tense silence until he jumped topics. "When you moved in… I had something else to focus on. I'd lost everything and there you were. You were living and breathing and right there for me to see. I had nothing to live for but then I started to watch you and I started climbing out of the bottle."

Squeezing her hand, Negan licked his lip nervously but charged ahead. "I took advantage of you... I got off on watching you. I would watch and I would-."

Kayla cleared her throat and interrupted, "I don't need to know this part."

Nodding, he peered down at the floor shamefully. "I stopped drinking so much, I woke up in the morning because I wanted to see what you were doing that day. I wanted to hear what music you were listening to because then I'd know your mood. I liked watching you work and cook and dance. I know it was wrong, I know I'm a sick fuck and I deserve whatever you want to do to me."

Chewing his lip, Negan asked, "Remember when you thanked me for saving you and I said I was just repaying the favor?"

"Yeah."

"Well you saved me. Seeing you, watching you live… it kept me from falling off the deep end again. I was almost gone. You brought me back to life. And I'd take it all back but that'd mean I wouldn't have been there that night you got attacked. So if I gotta choose, I'll pick losing you again, if it means I get to save you."

Negan swallowed thickly as he watched her stare at him with wide eyes, her fingers fidgeting with her sweater sleeves.

"Why didn't you tell Shane?" Negan asked when she stayed quiet.

"It wasn't his business."

"I just figured you'd have him beat the shit out of me or something."

Kayla snorted, her eyes going to the window before returning to her lap. "I don't want anyone to beat the shit out of you."

"I deserve it."

"Yeah, you do." She replied, her lip twitching slightly giving Negan hope that maybe she wasn't going to hate him forever.

"So why?"

Shrugging, Kayla bit her nail a moment before explaining, "I just… I still… care about you despite what you did."

Negan swallowed thickly and turned in his seat to face her. Reaching out he took her hand and ran his thumb across her knuckles. "I wanted to tell you. I would start and then… I just couldn't lose you and then it got too hard to even fucking start. You were here and I didn't want to lose that. I'm sorry I didn't have the balls to tell you, that you had to find out on your own. That wasn't how I wanted you to find out."

Kayla chewed her lip as she watched him holding her hand, her eyes finally meeting his. "Were you going to tell me?"

"I wanted to." He replied, nervous eyes flit from their hands to her eyes and back again. "I was trying, I just couldn't get the fucking words out. I'm a big pussy apparently."

"Is there anything else that you need to tell me?" she asked, resting her head against the sofa and peering up at him. "Now's the time to confess everything because if more shit comes out later…"

"I saw you… with that guy." He blurted out, feeling his neck heat at the confession. Kayla stared a moment as though trying to remember who he was speaking of before she blushed deeply.

"I wanted to kick his fucking teeth in when he left that morning. I watched you cry over that shitbag and wanted to hold you so fucking bad."

"Jesus." Kayla huffed out a breath and crossed her arms defensively. "You really saw everything didn't you."

"I'm sorry." Negan muttered, shaking his head while adding, "I just didn't want to have any other secrets."

Rolling her eyes, Kayla muttered, "so you know more about me than I know about you."

"That's not true." Negan replied, his hooded eyes meeting hers. "Never told anyone about that night. About my accident. People suspected but I've never told anyone."

Staring at him for a long quiet moment, Kayla bobbed her head in acknowledgment. They'd both been exposed in one way or another.

"I didn't just watch you. I mean, mostly I watched you but I started to watch everyone else too."

"Like who?"

Motioning to the window, he offered, "Wanna see?"

Cocking an eyebrow, Kayla shrugged. "I suppose I should see what's so damn entertaining."

Snorting, Negan answered, "You're the most interesting person living here and you aren't here anymore…. I miss you being here."

He watched her swallow thickly, before she nodded subtly. "Me too."

Negan's eyes closed at her words, his lungs emptying in one gust with the utter relief at hearing she felt the same. His heavy lids fluttered open and he looked at her with glazed eyes. "M'sorry I hurt you."

Kayla bit her lip in thought, her hazelnut eyes softening as she stared at him breaking apart in front of her. Reaching out, she slid hand into his and squeezed it. She didn't speak for a long moment, only looked deeply into him, her gaze penetrating his upper layers to find his raw center. Three words were murmured from those soft lips and he nearly thought he had hallucinated it until she repeated them for good measure.

"I forgive you."

Who's happy I didn't keep them separated for too long? I know I am. Thanks for reading, please review!