Chakotay and I walk arm in arm towards the science lab, a spring in my step. I can feel the pressure of command peeling away, allowing me to purely enjoy the companionship of the crew, without wondering which of them I will sacrifice next, and enjoy being in command. This is the trade off for the loneliness and responsibility. 'this is wonderful' I breathe to him 'when I planned this, I had no idea just how much of an outpouring of love and celebration this would be, I am just so honoured' he quirks a smile at me and I am again reminded of how much he means to me. 'thankyou chakotay, we would never have done this without you and your crew. You sacrificed everything, your ship to join voyager, and I just can't imagine a day of this journey without you.' I turn to him, about to declare my love out loud, without a thought to where we are, who could be listening, or Naomi. The moment feels right. But Naomi comes up to us, and asks where is my gift for Chakotay. The moment is broken, and I feel disoriented. I look at Chakotay, who is looking expectant, and back at Naomi, eagerly awaiting my answer. I run my hands through my hair and let out a sharp exhale. I do have a present for Chakotay, I have two. I am no longer sure that he will want either of them, until I have resolved the Seven issue. Damn, i think there is something there, but I hope that it is just the start, a date or two, a tentative possibility. Surely if he was more enamoured or fully into a relationship he would have told me? I hate not knowing.
My delay in answering has Naomi hopping again from foot to foot. 'You dooo have a present don't you?' , Chakotay turns to move forward, disappointment in his eyes.'yes' I say quietly 'I have had a present planned for this moment for the last 5 years' . his head whips up, I know that we both know the mathematics of New Earth without counting still 'but I am not sure that it is the right present any more, there has been so much that has changed over the intervening years' Naomi looks at me, and says that the commanders present had been from years ago, and I still loved it. I raise my hand to where it nestles between my breasts and touch it. 'Yes' I murmur with a gentle smile 'I will indeed treasure it forever, but my first gift planned for Chakotay was not so much a thing that could be put into a box' both of them raise an eyebrow at me, and I blush. I blush! Oh my God, I can't believe that I have said so much without thinking. I stumble on, digging a bigger hole 'and the second present, which is very definitely a thing, I am dependent on knowing whether the first gift is acceptable, so is no longer giveable either, so I am going to need a bit of time to decide what is appropriate after all.' I finish back with a captains voice certainty.
Naomi still has more questions about why didn't I get or make a new thing when I realised the first two were no good, when did I get the second one, did I make it or replicate it. I raise my hands in surrender. 'I made it, very slowly and only finished it a few months ago, at the time I hoped both presents would be suitable, and I have only recently thought that they would not, though I probably should have done some time ago' Chakotay isn't looking at me and is determinedly walking down the corridor - not a good sign. I am seesawing between hope and being fairly well certain now that neither present is appropriate any more. I sigh, for lost chances, missed opportunities, and relaxing my command mask enough to fall into an inappropriate discussion. I should have just said yes, and that i would give it later, and hurriedly found something, even if it was a crate of Antarian cider. Reframe and move on. So I kneel by Naomi to discuss what we think might now be a good idea. I laugh at some of her suggestions, but I know that nothing I would give has the meaning of that which I would like to offer. Chakotay is frowning at us to get a move on, whilst stroking his ear. He has felt as uncomfortable by this discussion as I have. Dammit, how can I be so confident now as a captain, but so hopeless in my personal life. I guess 7 years of being a Captain first and foremost doesn't help!
As I get into the turbolift, I place my hand on his arm and ask Chakotay whether we need to talk sooner or later, that I am sorry my conversation has gone off the beaten track, and should have been discussed with him first. His wall is back up though, and he shrugs and says it can be at my pleasure. I let my hand fall to my side and look at Naomi, the picture of excitement and happiness, and bit my lip whilst I come to a decision. 'OK. I say, 'when we have finished the celebration walk, would you mind joining me in the ready room so that you can determine whether my gift is appropriate, or whether I should do some rethinking.' Naomi claps and cheers, and I smile at her. Chakotay is inscrutable, but I relax, knowing that I have committed to some straight talking and fact finding. Whatever the outcome, I am better off knowing and planning the future accordingly.
Our science team are led by Sam, and Naomi is excitedly taking images at every opportunity. She hugs Sam, who asks her how it is going so far, and she is clearly happy and excited. I greet all of them effusively, and even Harren allows a hug. Our joint mission changed him, and we have some joint respect now. They line up as I sing praises for their often unseen work. We have been driven by our/my desire to get Voyager back to the alpha quadrant. So much so, that it could seem that science has not been a priority. However, as Seven once reminded me, we have made a very inefficient journey, with many course corrections so that we could make observations, see sights of spectacular interest. Even cultures we have met have given us insights, noticeably in Chakotay's tribe inheritance, and the dinosaur descendants. We have answered mysteries from earth, finding the 37's, the mars spacecraft. we have evaluated many alien technologies, both as specimens and databases, and analysed how these can best be used to voyagers advantage in the short term, but also continued analysis to longer term federation benefit and other applications. The science division have been part of our brain, allowing us to maximise all our opportunities, both in weaponry and living standards, optimising our replicators, our hydroponics, and working with engineering and astrometrics to ensure that the ship itself is the best of its class. I appreciate all the differing viewpoints that science have represented over the years, but wish to commend them on their intelligence and perseverance. I am sure that there is an illustrious future for all of them. Rather less formal than both engineering and the armoury, they are all delighted with their voyager pins, and war them with pride. They are a small team, and our group image is infront of a variety of their research areas on the large screen. Science is often the unsung hero of a spaceship, and yet without it our engineers and security would have had a harder time, and I am sure that we could not have prevailed against the Borg. I may be command track now, but at heart I am a scientist.
It is a short walk to astrometrics,and I am looking forwards to seeing Icheb, It hasn't taken me long to acclimatise to calling him my son, both in my head and in my heart. I have a spring back in my step, both from the science crew and for Icheb today nothing can hold me down for long, and certainly not my first officer and his potential paramour. The strike of my heels on the floor and the jauntiness of my hips as we stride between the two areas confirms my confidence on voyager. This is my home turf. I look over my shoulder at chakotay and naomi, 'are you with me?' , Naomi runs to join me, and Chakotay gives me that resigned grin I get when i am being willful but irresistible, a force of nature. We join up and go into astrometrics, our balance restored. Here I know chakotay will be fussed over, the Delaney sisters have always been his greatest fans, and Seven, well, that I have to fully find out. He has a huge smirk on his face as we go in, clearly thinking the same.
Seven stands to the back as Ichen comes forwards to hug me, and the Delaney sisters run to chakotay to ask for a dance in the evening, eyeing him up anad down in a predatory manner. I hug Icheb and ask whether they are all ready here. He smiles at me as we talk astronmetrics shop, and Imove to hug Tal and then Seven. I notice Seven is looking less than approvingly at Chakotay and the twins. She tells them to desist and present themselves, so astrometrics lines up, and Naomi takes images, smiling particularly at Icheb. Hmm, Ktarians mature more quickly, and perhaps many new relationships are made here on voyager.
I have them all at attention and then I hand them all their voyager pins. Even the Delaney girls know how to snap to attention, starfleet training is rigorous and automatic once learnt. We line up for the formal images, I have Icheb at my side and then Tal, and chakotay has seven at his side and then the delaney's. We stand at attention then at parade rest, as we break out to chat, the delaneys want to quiz me about the celebration, particularly the no ranks no rules no recriminations part. I laugh, not sure I called it that, but yes, it is a chance to party freely – they are keen to know that they can mingle freely as well. I confirm that I will not be attending that part of the party with my captains eyes. They laugh and Megan asks me whether I have ever been to Risa. I gulp! 'Indeed I have', I smirk, whilst they are speechless for once. Jenny asks whether I will be coming with the commander, I turn round with a smile to face chakotay and say yes, when I am interrupted, and the world stutters at my feet.
'the commander will be attending with me. We have been dating and are in a relationship. Now we are having intimate relations, our position should be clarified to the crew and this will be an efficient method' Seven delivers her message with poise and great clarity, staring at me with an air of condescension as well as challenge.
I nearly stumble, and step back without thinking, snapping back to face Seven. I am aware of Naomi dropping the holoimager down. Everything seems to me in slow motion. My heart is beating faster. It is as if a phaser has been levelled at my heart, no a tricobalt device. Although I had possibly expected this, hearing it out loud, when I hadn't guarded myself, I see myself at the epicentre of a widening shockwave. Hell, I clearly had not imaged the depths of hurt that this would bring me. A triumph of optimistic thinking brought low. Stupid! stupid! I am such a fool for leaving myself so wide open. Dammit, they are not just dating, but having sex! I cant bear the image that generates, his tenderness, her generous young body. looking up at Naomi, Icheb and Tal in front of me, I see the shock wave reaching out to them. No! my determination to put the crew first in all circumstances. I will not let their concern and love for me alter this day. I will not let them see my utter feeling of destruction and devastation of this moment. Pull yourself together Janeway! I raise my shields and start to minimise the damage. I am on full red alert as I place my captains smile on my face, lift my chin and rest my hands on my hips. Time to save the day, again. Why the hell couldn't he have warned me, told me? It's not as if there weren't chances today.
'That is such wonderful, and surprising news Seven. I wish I had known of this before, so that I could have congratulated you on stepping forwards with your humanity. I wish you every blessing', and I hug her and smile coolly at her confusion. 'I should have realised you had moved your studies on from the holo-suite, and I hope that they have been satisfactory.' She looks bemused and answers, 'indeed, the commander makes a more than satisfactory partner. I anticipated nothing less in view of the attention he receives, and your approval' .
The room is still silent,waiting for me to move, so I turn to Icheb, and ask him to be my escort, making a quip that I am unused to being accompanied by anyone else now, so that I hope to be not to boring an evening partner. Icheb smiles up at me and comes and hold my hand, giving me strength. 'Mom, whatever you might be, boring isn't one of the adjectives anyone will use! I am sure that once we arrive, you will be swamped with dance requests and I will be hard pressed to have any time by your side' I smile, my footing is being restored. Jenny requests one of my dances, and Megan and Tal say they are keen to learn my style. All of them giving me support, my captains smile is turning real again. I am more than just one dimension, and this is my day to love and be loved by the crew, all of them, to celebrate our success and home coming. I beam at them, 'thankyou' I say. In my head, I think that I have done heartbreak before. I still can't look at chakotay though. Not yet anyway.
I catch sight that Naomi is in Icheb's arms and she is sobbing. 'Naomi, my darling, what is the matter?' I spring to her side and crouch beside her, drawing her from Icheb's arms into my own. 'Naomi, Sweetheart, it is OK, it really is' , 'but you love chakotay, that was your gift' she wails into my shoulder, well she certainly understood more than I thought. 'yes, I love chakotay, but he isn't mine to keep and hold, he is a free man to choose his path, particularly now our time on voyager is at an end, but even before' , ' but you love him,' wailing, ' Naomi dearest, when I was captain, I couldn't afford to love him like he would want me to, I was focused on returning us home and keeping us safe, and when I thought I might change that, it never was the right time, some disaster or other always came up.' I can't believe I am saying this to Naomi in front of everyone, something I should have said to chakotay privately ages ago, God, I wish I had done, I wouldn't be in this mess now! well I guess it is all in the past.
'But Naomi, you have to believe me, one of the strengths of loving so deeply, is that I can love them enough to want their happiness. One day you will know this too. I have something infinitely precious with Chakotay, and that is the love of a true friend who has been there for me more times than I can count. I wouldn't want to risk or jeopardise that by not supporting his choices, that wouldn't be what best friends do, would it? And Seven, Naomi, I have willfully separated her from the Borg, and encouraged her to seek her humanity, her place as an individual, and I love her like a daughter. I have chased after her, rescued her and put countless lives at risk because I love her. How could I be angry at her for taking such bold strides, and risk the unique friendship that we have? Romantic love is only one aspect of life and love, and it can wax and wane. True friendship is lasting, and when I looked at this wonderful crew of ours as we have walked around, what have we seen Naomi? We have seen love, friendship, joy and celebration, so much that it has filled my heart to bursting. This is a great thing to be part of. This is more than worth any and every sacrifice. I have held true to my promise to get people home, a promise I made with my whole being, heart, soul and body. A promise that took all I am to deliver. And I have been repaid for my devotion a thousand fold. Look about you Naomi, tell me, I am lucky, am I not, to be surrounded by such love? Today I am filled with pride, joy, friendship and happiness and I can't do anything other than rejoice in the strength it gives me.'
I feel her arms surround me, and she smiles up at me. 'I love you, Captain' ' and I love you too Naomi' . As I smile and we stand, Icheb come as do the delaneys and hug me, and Tal replaces the holoimager and hugs me too. I am rising above this, i know it will hurt like hell when I get some privacy, but I am putting on the right show, and my crew will help me with this. Damage limitation. I am the captain, I need to be more than human, shields to maximum and prepare to defend. I give my biggest smile.
I see Seven, confused over what has happened, and I open my arms for a hug with her too. 'Never forget that I love you, Seven' . She nods, accepting. We both know I have proved this love over and over again. Finally looking at Chakotay, standing rigid, holding himself like a true fighter, ready to fight or flee, I go and apologise, for the years I should have talked more, loved freely, and for blowing it all wide open in the most public of ways. 'I am truly sorry, I wish you every happiness, always' . I go as if to touch his heart, but my hand wavers and falls to my side. My smile is full of regret as I turn away. He makes no acknowledgement. He is closed off to me.