((Hey all! So I wrote this entire chapter today… I've pretty much been going non-stop since this morning. This will be my first time writing Nathan, so be easy on me, haha. I did have to change his character a bit to fit the story (as if I haven't been doing that already). Hope you all like! Let me know what you think.))
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The day Brooke stomped out of her bedroom was like black ice in Peyton's life. At first Peyton had grappled at the wheel, desperately attempting to bring herself out of the tailspin. Soon enough she succumbed to it. She didn't care if she ended up in a ditch. Her life took a drastic turn that day, one that ran unopposed to everything except her mother's death. Until now she felt confident that nothing would throw her so off-track again. But here she was, seven months later, already out of control and she'd just entered a dense fog.
How did I miss this?
The lens to her world had been replaced, and while the new one was clearer, it also left her more disoriented. This morning, she knew what needed to happen to make amends. She drove to Brooke's house convinced that if they discussed the kiss – the obviously mistaken feelings that Brooke had dreamed up – they could at least rule love out of this already complicated situation. It would just take a little elaboration. After love was out, they could continue where they left off and establish a base of a friendship.
Brooke demolished that plan when she laid everything on the table. Peyton could no longer write her friend's actions off as a momentary lapse in judgement. The way Peyton saw it, her and Brooke had two options: dispel the relationship altogether, or dive headlong into a friendship that attempted to parallel their previous one. An acquaintanceship wouldn't help Brooke through this, not with real feelings in the picture. Suddenly, it was all or nothing. And Peyton was about to find out if she was right – if it was really impossible to recreate a bond that dissipated so long ago. That is, until Brooke asked the question. She asked the question and the truth hit Peyton with such intensity that it shoved all rational thought right out of her. She asked the question and panic took over. She asked the question and Peyton drove into the fog.
Was it just me?
Peyton remembered that day in freshman year. Brooke's pain washed over her bedroom the second the girl stepped inside. Peyton didn't even get the chance to look up; it infected her instantaneously. She couldn't be angry, even if she tried. Brooke never understood why. It was because Peyton instinctively soaked up everything that Brooke felt. She didn't have a choice, it just happened. How could you be mad at someone who hurt that much, and still had enough left to punish herself for hurting someone else?
Dillon practically raped Brooke that day, and Peyton could no doubt see hate in her eyes. But it wasn't for Dillon, it was self-loathing. Brooke cared more about Peyton than she did about herself, and this was a rare moment when that truth was visible to the naked eye. Peyton took the other girl into her arms as these revelations came to her. She felt the click – the one that Brooke had mentioned. She felt everything change. She figured that it was simply their relationship ascending. Their friendship did seem to grow stronger every day. She didn't even consider that the click was less of a step in their friendship, and more a leap into love.
Was it just me?
The panic answered for her. She told Brooke the blatant truth… or at least most of it. Our relationship has changed so much, and we're only starting to be friends again and, oh right, we'll probably never go back to the way we were. She left Brook alone, hopeless and humiliated – all because she left one small part out. It was the one thought that scared her more than anything. She feared that while everything she said was true, it didn't change the fact that the feelings were still intact. In fact she knew: the friendship may have disintegrated, but her love – if that's what it was – didn't even sizzle. Stronger than hate, it transcended the pain that they put each other through, and she suspected it wouldn't fade just because they exposed it. Maybe its power resided in its camouflage as an intense friendship. Or maybe that's just how love works.
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Peyton bounded up the steps towards Nathan's apartment. He hadn't said much on the phone, but then again, she didn't give him time. She'd hung up only seconds after warning him about her visit. There were so many thoughts clouding her mind. She needed to release them, but not to a machine. Nathan seemed like the ideal candidate. He would listen, he wouldn't gossip all over school, and he knew the history. Yep, he was the perfect person… or that's what Peyton told herself to keep the guilt at bay. She knew there was only one person that really needed to hear those thoughts, and that person wasn't Nathan.
The blonde rang the doorbell once. Then a second time. And then her finger convulsed against the circular button until Haley swung open the door.
"Okay, come in before you break that thing," Haley said, bemused, before heading to the kitchen.
"Sorry," Peyton muttered and shut the door behind her.
"Yeah, yeah. Do it again and I ban you from the bell."
Peyton slid her hands into her pockets and nodded. "Deal. No bell. So… where's Nathan?"
"In the shower. He should be out soon. Can I get you some juice? Water?" Haley offered as she peered into the fridge.
"Got anything stronger back there?"
Haley glanced over her shoulder, eyebrows furrowed. "Peyton, it's not even 8 o'clock yet."
Before Peyton had a chance to argue, Nathan emerged from the bathroom and traipsed to her side. His clothes clung to him; he clearly didn't linger much to dry. In fact, his face still glistened with water, and he didn't seem to mind that it dripped from his chin.
"Hey," he said as he approached her. "You want a drink? Hales, can you grab us that bottle of rum above the fridge?"
"Thank you," Peyton breathed out, and crashed onto the couch.
"Wait, okay, someone has to tell me what's going on," demanded Haley, surprised at her husband's readiness to support Peyton's bad habit.
Peyton met Nathan's gaze and held it for a moment before focusing on the carpet.
Nathan sighed and turned apologetically to his wife. "I need to talk to Peyton alone for a while. Why don't you head to class and I'll meet you at lunch, okay?"
"Fine," Haley said in a way that completely contradicted the word. "I'll go. You guys talk." Her eyes flicked from her husband to their guest with uncertainty. She seemed to be looking for extra reassurance. All she got was a crooked 'sorry' smile. She nodded once with understanding and grabbed the keys from the counter. "'Kay," she murmured, and then she was gone.
The slam of the door brought Peyton's attention back to her ex-boyfriend. "Ah, Nate, I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have come. I just… I didn't know who else to talk to about this and I really, really needed to talk to someone."
"No, no, it's fine. That wasn't about you," Nathan said, wandering to the kitchen in search of the rum. "Haley and I have our own problems, but we're here to talk about yours. And honestly, it sounds a lot more interesting than my married life." He returned with two cups, the alcohol, and a box of mango-orange juice. He took a seat next to Peyton before opening the glass bottle. "So... Brooke, huh?" he asked, a dorky grin covering his face as he looked over at her.
Peyton rolled her eyes and jabbed his arm. "You know I came here to, like, really talk, right? Not just conjure up mental images so you can amuse yourself in your boring marriage. Do you haveta be such a guy?"
"I know. And I'm gonna listen, believe me."
"Good."
"I'm gonna listen really hard, to everything you have to say. In fact, I'm gonna listen so hard that I'll be able to visualize all of this happening… you know, so I can help you better… so don't leave out any details." And there was the sly grin again, until the pillow wiped it from his face.
"Perv."
Nathan chuckled, yanking the pillow from his friend's hands. "I'm kidding. Peyton, I'm here for you. Just tell me what's going on."
Peyton gulped and crossed her arms over her chest. Ten minutes ago she was dying to let everything out. That urge was still there, but her nerves were getting the better of her. "You can't tell anyone. Not even her," she ordered, nodding in the direction of the door.
"I won't. Promise."
"'Cause I don't even get it, Nate. These are my own feelings from my own heart and I don't even have a clue what they mean!" Her arms subconsciously loosened as she delved into the mass of confusion that was her life right now. She leaned forward, balancing on the edge of the couch as she searched for where to start.
Nathan's lip twisted into a smile, letting her know that he somehow related. "Sounds like love to me."
"Yeah, but this is Brooke we're talking about! It's different. I've known her since I was, what, four? Shouldn't she be, like, exempt from the potential love category?"
"You knew me since we were four, and that didn't stop us from going for it."
"Okay, Nate, you aren't actually comparing you and me to me and Brooke? 'Cause that relationship doesn't even belong on the same planet… or universe for that matter. God, if that was the case, I'd be running as fast as possible in the opposite direction."
"Hey! We weren't that bad."
"Yeah, okay. You know it was all sex. Besides, it's not like you and I had sleepovers every weekend 'til we were twelve. So the whole sex thing… not so weird." Peyton reached forward to finish mixing the drink that Nathan started.
"So you aren't interested in having sex with her? You think it'd be weird."
Peyton's eyes bulged at the directness of his question. She hadn't thought this in depth about it yet. Just thinking about sex with Brooke seemed wrong somehow. Drink in hand, she twisted her neck to face Nathan again. "You've gotta help me figure that out."
"You can't do that on your own?"
Peyton straightened. "No, I can't," she declared. "Y'know what? I'm gonna go. You obviously don't get it. And that's not your fault 'cause why should you?" The cheerleader stood up and placed the glass back on the table. She ran a hand through her hair before placing both on her hips and turning back to Nate. "This is just a huge mess. Ugh! I wish I never went to Brooke's this morning."
"Hold on… you went to Brooke's this morning? Before coming here? Is that when you realized all this?"
"Yeah," Peyton answered, taking a breath as she tried to calm herself.
"Peyton, you didn't try something on her, did you? Did she shut you down? Is that why you're so upset?"
"No!" Peyton replied, perhaps a little too urgently. "No, that's not it."
"You have to give me something to work with. What happened at Brooke's? And why were you there so early? It must've been…"
"Six o'clock. Yeah." Her eyes hit the wall above Nathan's head. She thought he was the perfect person because he knew all about their history. She forgot that he wasn't quite up-to-date on their present. For all he knew, Brooke still wanted to take Peyton's head off for the Lucas fiasco. He had no idea that he was looking in on the situation from the wrong angle.
A crease formed on his forehead. He didn't say anything. He just watched her, expectantly. Peyton knew that if she left now, she'd regret it. She'd be back in a couple hours… or days… as long as it took to build back the confidence.
"Look, there's something you don't know," she said and took a step forward. "And you kinda need to if you're gonna get this at all. I know that. But this is Brooke's thing, not mine… not really, so just please don't tell her I told you."
"Would you stop swearing me to secrecy? You know I won't tell anyone."
"Okay. Brooke sorta kissed me last night," she revealed hesitantly. Suddenly she felt uncomfortable in her standing position. She felt exposed. Peyton flinched a couple times before returning to her spot on the couch. "I never thought… I thought it was a mistake. I thought I'd go over, and she'd take it back, and everything would go back to normal. Well, as normal as it could given all the stuff that's happened between us. But… she didn't take it back, Nate."
Nathan stared at her unblinking. "Okay, you're gonna have to give me a second to process this. Brooke kissed you?"
"Right."
"But… Brooke… she's slept with practically every guy at Tree Hill."
"No, really?" Peyton said sarcastically. She knew it was true. She hated hearing it. She hated hearing it even before this morning when she realised she had a reason to. "I guess I was just dreaming it or something, huh?"
"I told you I was processing!"
"Yeah. Sorry. I just know you're right and it kinda sucks, that's all."
"Okay, I'm gonna ask you questions, and you have to give me honest, instinctive answers. Then maybe we'll get somewhere"
Peyton groaned. "What if I don't wanna know my answers?"
"That's just too bad," Nathan replied with a shrug. "You came here for a reason, and we aren't leaving until you've reached some sort of conclusion."
"That could be a while."
"Then I guess you'd better get comfortable." He picked up Peyton's glass from the table and passed it to her. "You might need that." Peyton snatched it from his grasp and nodded to let him know she was ready. "Okay, remember, you have to answer quickly. Here we go: how did you feel when she kissed you?"
"Nate, this isn't gonna work."
"Stop being so stubborn for once and answer the question."
Peyton sighed. For the first time, she let herself relive the kiss in her mind. She'd refused to before. She felt like she was cheating. "Surprised. And guilty."
"Why guilty?"
"Lex was in the other room. And I was completely with Brooke. Like, in every way possible that you could be with someone. I forgot about Lex until after the whole thing happened."
"Did it feel weird? Kissing her?"
"I don't know. Maybe a little. But for the most part… it felt pretty good, I guess."
"Are you attracted to her?"
"I never thought about it. I mean, of course she's beautiful. But anyone could tell you that."
"How do you feel when you think about her?"
"I feel…" Peyton froze as yet another realization struck her. "…a whole bunch of things that you probably shouldn't feel about your best friend."
"Good. But you're gonna need to explain."
"Do I have to?" Peyton whined.
"Yep."
This whole morning had been one big epiphany. She'd never truly tried to analyze the Lucas situation. It seemed so basic. Brooke really liked the guy and Peyton betrayed her by acting on her feelings for him. Simple. But the thing was, it was too simple for the emotional wreckage it caused. She never tried to figure out why she drank away her days, or why she felt so empty after leaving a guy that she never really had to begin with. She knew that this must be the same train of thought that Brooke followed earlier.
"I feel my life completely fall apart. I try so hard to hold it all together, but I get all shaken and disoriented and I can't help it. And y'know, once I'm there, I don't want to piece everything back together anymore. It hasn't always been that way. It started after our friendship ended. Before that, she used to make me feel safe. And I really admired her… her strength, her confidence. But the light-headedness, that has always been there. I mighta overlooked it before."
"I think you have an answer."
Peyton nodded, looking down at her hands. Finally, she let herself open up. She told him the one main reason that she was with him right now instead of Brooke. "I'm scared, Nate." The words were barely above a whisper, but Nate had been expecting them.
"I know. And you should be. But you should also feel excited and lucky and hopeful… all those things that come with love that cancel out the fear."
"Hey! Did I ever agree to the love word? Don't call it that. 'Cause what if it's not? I could be wrong; it wouldn't be the first time. I mean, I really thought I could love Lucas. At least at first. What if this is just another lie my mind has decided to tell me? I just got her back. This could break us forever. How am I supposed to risk that?"
"No. See, you and Brooke are both stronger than that. And I have a good feeling about this. But you know what you need to do: talk to Brooke."
"I know, I just… I need to think a bit more first. I told her I'd talk to her after practise, but I might just drive over to her place… in a totally roundabout way."
"But you can't. She'll be at school."
Peyton smirked and shook her head. "Not a chance," she responded with certainty. "You really don't know how girls work, do ya?"
"Naw. Don't think I ever will."
Peyton stood up and strolled to the door. "Well, if you need any advice you know who to call."
"Yeah, not you," Nathan said, laughing. "No offence, but I think you're pretty screwed up yourself in that area."
Peyton spun at the door and shot him a glare. "That is so…" She cut herself off as Nathan raised his eyebrows at her. "Okay, fine.I'll give you that." She paused as she considered his assertion. "Wow. Good luck to us."
Nathan joined her at the door as they said their goodbyes. As Peyton left the apartment, her emotional chaos returned. She was nervous. And excited. And she didn't have a clue what she was going to do or say. Okay, P. Sawyer. Don't screw this up. Don't get out of hand. Don't let it get messy.
Was that even an option anymore?
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((Thanks for your reviews last time around! Apparently that last chapter was a hit. I know this one has a severe lack of Brooke in it, but I hope it was enjoyable anyway ;)
idaatje – Yeah, Peyton confuses herself so of course she'll confuse you! I'm glad the mini-scene at the end was helpful. I tried to clear her up a bit in this chapter. How'd I do?
Sheepish – Thank you! It's always nice to hear that people liked everything, haha. I'll try to keep things juicy for ya.
SuperJew – Well I don't know how to feel about that, lol! Don't throw in the towel! But please, do keep on complimenting me ;)
Kaila – Ah! Best chapter ever?! Thanks! Did you really expect me to make Peyton give in right then and there? Oh please.
Daizy – How are you feeling about Peyton now? Are we taking some steps forward? Haha. Peyton actually was really confusing me too, so I did a little writing exercise for this chapter. I think it mighta got me somewhere… but I don't know. Peyton's just too damn messed up!
Amazoniandragon – Wow. Thank so much for your detail in that review. All of those aspects of the story were planned, and I'm really glad you pin-pointed all of them to let me know they were effective. I hope I can keep you hooked ;)
The Real Cho – Yeah, you and the rest of my readership, lol. I think I might have some fun soon and play off that hate..
I'll try to update soon!))