Title: Trouble in Paradise
Author: FitzG
Summary: Harm invites Mac to spend a week sailing in the Bahamas to make up for the gunshot wound she received from the poachers when they went flying. Unfortunately not everything goes as Harm plans.
Spoilers: References to first season episode Deja Vu and second season episodes We the People, Full Engagement, The Game of Go, Code Blue and Rendezvous. Takes place between the second season finale Rendezvous and the third season opener Ghost Ship.
Disclaimer: JAG characters are the property of Bellisarius Productions.
A/N: I believe that Harm and Mac probably fell in love with each other almost the moment they met but it wasn't until Full Engagement that they truly began to realize their feelings. This story is a "what if" story in which Harm decides to pursue something more than friendship with Mac. Harm hasn't gotten seriously involved with Annie Pendry and Mac has not yet met Dalton Lowne.
Sorry for the delay folks. This chapter involves another important discussion between Harm and Mac. The title to the chapter will probably give away a little hint as to the topic of the discussion. Given Harm and Mac's respective pasts up to this point I thought they each needed to share some things with each other if they are going to make their relationship work. One more chapter to go.
Notes to my reviewers.
bethsthings; Glad you liked Chapter 10.
Lil-Miss-Dinozzo78. I appreciate all your kind words.
Keep reading and reviewing everyone Thanks for all the reviews so far.
Chapter 11: Sea Shells and Past Loves
FRIDAY 0730 EST
BURNETT VACATION HOME
CORAL HARBOR
NASSAU ISLAND, BAHAMAS
For the second day in a row Mac woke to the warm comfort of lying in Harm's arms. She was quickly getting used to sharing a bed with Harm. She was a little saddened by the thought that she would be sleeping alone again when they returned to DC. Mac knew Harm was right to suggest they take things slow, but she would miss waking up in his arms.
Feeling Mac stir in his arms Harm woke and noticed the sad expression on her face. "Hey ninja girl, why so sad?"
"I just realized I'm going to miss waking up in your arms when we go home."
"I'm going to miss it too, but we agreed to take things slow. If we keep sharing a bed we'll be tempted to start a physical relationship sooner. I don't want us to start something physical before we're both ready. Also I have to admit that it's getting harder to control myself when I wake up with you in my arms."
"Really, so you're saying that you might like to do more than just share a bed with me?" Mac teased.
"Mac.. please don't. You know how much I want you but we need to take this slow." I don't want us to rush into anything. I don't want to mess this up. There's more I need to tell you but please can we just enjoy the day together?"
"You're right. I don't want to mess this up either. Come on flyboy. Cook me breakfast and we'll just spend the day relaxing in the sun."
Following a breakfast of fruit and Belgian waffles Harm and Mac returned to their respective rooms to shower and dress for the day. Since Harm's leg was still healing they couldn't take their usual morning run. Instead they decided to take a walk along the beach. Before leaving Harm picked up a bucket and small gardening shovel to take with them.
"Harm what's with the bucket and shovel."
"I was thinking how much fun you had yesterday building a sand castle and I thought you might enjoy another childhood beach activity."
"And what would that be?"
"Collecting sea shells."
"That's a great idea. I've never collected sea shells before. Thanks Harm" Mac said as she hugged Harm and kissed him on the cheek."
"You're welcome Mac" he replied taking her face in the palms of his hands to give her a gentle kiss.
They spent the rest of the morning walking on the beach stopping occasionally to examine and collect various types of shells. Mac had fun picking out the most attractive shells. They picked out a number of spiral form shells, beautifully marked bivalves and even a couple of starfish. Harm put all their finds in the bucket for them to take back to the house.
After they returned from their walk Harm showed Mac how to clean the shells and dry out the starfish so they could be preserved. Mac had a great time going through all their finds and picking out the best ones to take home. After looking everything over they decided on half a dozen for each of them to take home. Harm and Mac would each take one of the starfish and five shells each.
Afterward they took some time out to go swimming. Mac did most of the swimming but Harm was able to wade out into the water and spend a little time floating on his back. When the pain in his leg got to be too much he came back to shore and sat on the beach watching Mac have fun in the waves.
When evening came Harm persuaded Mac to go out for dinner. The had an early dinner at the Green Parrot Bar & Grill, the same place they had dinner the first night on the island. Following dinner they returned to the beach house and took a moonlit stroll along the beach. Mac cuddled close to Harm as they walked, wrapping her arm around his waist while Harm draped one arm over her shoulders. Several times during their walk they stopped to kiss. Some kisses we short and sweet while others were extremely passionate. A few times they had to stop to catch their breath. Neither one of them let the kisses go too far since they both agreed to take their relationship slow and not get too physical yet.
Returning to the house Harm retrieved a blanket and led them back out to sit on the beach. He told Mac he had some things to talk about and asked her if they could sit and talk for a while before turning in for the night.
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FRIDAY 2137 EST
BURNETT VACATION HOME
CORAL HARBOR
NASSAU ISLAND, BAHAMAS
"Mac, can we talk for a while? I have some things I need to share with you."
"Of course. What did you want to talk about?"
"First I need you to listen to everything I have to say. I need you to be patient with me because it's not always easy for me to share my feelings or say what's on my mind. I've lost people I love and it's sometimes easier to guard my feelings to avoid getting hurt. I'm trying to open up more and take some risks because I don't want to miss out on the possibility of something more for us. I want you to let me explain everything before you respond. Can you do that?"
"I'll try. I didn't do a very good job listening when you invited me here. I'm sorry for that and I'll try to do better. I understand it's hard for you to share what your feeling, but you've done a pretty good job telling me what you feel for me so far. You know you can tell me anything."
"Thanks Mac. First off I think we need to agree to wait to further the physical aspects of our relationship. Like I said this morning I don't want to mess this up. I don't want us to start something physical only to break up later on. You know I want a future with you. I've had relationships with other women that didn't last. Sometimes we got physical too early and when things didn't work we both got hurt. In one case the only thing I had with the woman I was involved with was lust. We both knew it wouldn't work out. Although we were friends and were both physically attracted to each other there was nothing else. Fortunately we were able to part as friends. But with you I'm afraid if we start something physical without working on us as a couple first we run the risk of losing our friendship if things don't work out. I couldn't bear to lose you as a friend Mac. Your friendship means too much to me."
"Oh Harm" Mac sighed. "I think you're right we need to wait before we get more physical. I couldn't stand losing you as friend either. I'm willing to take things as slow as you need. I want us to take things slow too. I've also had some relationships that moved to the physical stage too quickly. I'm glad you want to take things slow. I've always been able to trust you with my life. Knowing that you want to take things slow let's me know I can trust you with my heart. And you should know you can trust me with yours" Mac replied as she turned to face Harm and took both his hands in hers.
"I'm glad you feel that way Sarah. I have more to tell you but first I have a question for you. Before we escaped from the poachers you asked me what happened to the Sarah that my plane is named for. Until I told you the plane was named for my grandmother it seemed to me you thought she was dead. Then you asked me if I still loved her. Did you think she was the woman I knew who you resemble so much? Did you think that maybe I only saw you as her and not yourself? Were you jealous? Please understand, I'm not accusing you or judging you. I just want to know what you were feeling so I can better explain some things to you."
"I don't know if I can answer that, but I'll try. It's always been hard for me to trust anyone and open up to them about myself. You're the first person since Uncle Matt that I've been able to trust so fully. There was one other person I've trusted since Uncle Matt, but I could never tell him some of the things I've told you. It's hard for me to admit but I was afraid that you named your plane for a dead woman. That she was the woman from your past that I remind you of. I didn't realize it at the time but I think I was jealous. When I thought I wouldn't make it I was afraid I would never be more than her ghost to you. I didn't want you to think you had lost her all over again. I couldn't die thinking that. That's why I asked you about her. I wanted to be sure you saw me and not her. When you explained that 'Sarah' was named for your grandmother I was relieved. I realized that day that I had fallen in love with you. I didn't want to compete with a dead woman's ghost for your feelings. I know that sounds selfish, but it's how I felt at the time."
"I understand. I'm glad you trust me enough to be able to tell me what you were thinking. I think it's time I tell you about Diane Schonke."
"She's the friend who was murdered, isn't she? She's the woman I remind you of, the one I look like. You don't have to tell me about her if you don't want. I'll understand."
"I want to tell you about her Mac. I don't want you to have any doubts about my love for you. Diane was a good friend. She was a classmate of mine at Annapolis. We were very close. You once said I thought of you as a sister. Well in many ways that's what Diane was to me. We were never romantically involved but I think we both wanted to be. Most of the time we missed more than we connected. After the Academy we didn't have many chances to see each other. Our career paths kept us apart. Between my flight schooling and her crypto training and then deployments we weren't usually in the same place at the same time. We kept in touch, writing letters to each other often. She was there for me after my ramp strike. I went to stay with my grandmother to sort things out. Grams helped me heal and convinced me that I could stay in the Navy and find a new career. Diane was the one who helped me find a new career path. She suggesting I try law school and the Naval Justice program. She remembered how good I was on the Academy debate team and how I was always more concerned with finding the truth than winning an argument. If it hadn't been for her I wouldn't have become a lawyer and joined the JAG corps."
"She must have been a good friend."
"She was. After my old squadron mate Luke Pendry died I wrote her. I told her that I'd been thinking about starting a future, that I wanted to have a family one day. She understood that. I suggested that we get together to talk. I thought that perhaps we could have a future together. We were already good friends and I cared for her deeply. I believe she was in love with me. I was always a little in love with her, but we were never lovers. We were never a couple. A few months after I wrote her we were able to schedule a time to get together. The Sea Hawk was in port in Norfolk during my first year at JAG HQ so Diane and I planned to get together the weekend she got into port. We had dinner plans the night the Sea Hawk docked. She had to cancel our plans because she was assigned to the mid watch. We changed our dinner plans to the next night. The following morning my partner Meg Austin and I were assigned to investigate a murder at Norfolk dock. When we arrived we were shown the victim's body. It was Diane. Before we even got to discuss the possibility of a future together Diane was gone."
"You must have been hurt. How did you feel? Did you stay on the case"
"I was hurt. I was angry and determined to find her killer. I did stay on the case. I'll explain the whole case to you sometime. I'd like you to hear everything about it, but right now I want to finish telling you about Diane."
"OK, please continue."
"Losing Diane was hard for me. However I think the thing that sometimes hurts the most wasn't her death so much as it is losing the chance to find out if we had a future together. I don't know if things would have worked out between us. Now I'll never know. It's selfish of me to only think of the future we lost rather than of her. It doesn't help either that we never found her killer. I haven't fully been able to close that part of my life, but I want to. I need to because I want a future with you Mac."
Mac could hear the sincerity in Harm's voice. Taking his chin in her hands she lifted his head and looked deep into his eyes. She could see the pain and longing in his eyes. Harm was right. She needed to be free of any doubts about his love for her.
"Please tell me more. Do I really look that much like her? What were you thinking when the admiral introduced us.
"Mac you look so much like her you could have been twins. I've got some pictures of her at the Academy. I'll show them to you when we get back to DC. When the admiral introduced us I experienced a great sense of deja vu. I thought I must be dreaming. There you were right in front of me and it was as if Diane was alive again. Not only do you look like her but you sound like her. When we started our first case together I kept thinking you were her. But I soon knew you weren't."
"Do you still see her when you look at me?"
"No, I don't. You may look and sound like her but you are different people. Diane put up with my flyboy ego and would let me get away with crap that you wouldn't. She was more fun loving and less squared away than you. She was a bit of a computer geek at times. Ask Bud about that. They often challenged each other to computer games when they were off duty on the Sea Hawk. You challenge me Mac. You don't put up with my antics in court. You make me see more than one line of reasoning on investigations. You don't stroke my ego. You make me a better person. You are so different that I no longer see her. I see you."
"Thank you. I was so afraid I was still some kind of ghost that I couldn't be sure of your feelings."
"You don't need to be. I was always attracted to you since the day we met. In the beginning it was because you looked so much like Diane. But now I know I love you for the person you are. You are beautiful, strong, tough and successful. You've worked so hard to overcome your past and you've become a better person. You did all of that on your own. I've always felt we had a connection. When you trusted me enough to tell me about your alcoholism I new that connection was real. I fell in love with you the day we came back from flying. You showed me your courage and strength that day. And you also showed me your vulnerabilities. I know you don't like to be seen as weak, but you let your guard down that day. You let me in and showed me your heart. I was able to let my guard down some as well. You're the first person other than my mom and grandmother that knows why my plane means so much to me. I've never told anyone else, but I knew you would understand. I knew then I was in love with you. After the Holst case I knew I wanted you in my life. You didn't let Chief Holst manipulate and humiliate you like your dad. You overcame your demons about him and I was never more proud to call you my friend. I'll never feel for another woman what I feel for you. I don't judge you for your past or anything you've done. I love you, all of you, everything you were, and everything you are. Don't ever doubt that."
"I won't Harm. I don't doubt now how much you love me, how much you want a future with me. Thank you for telling me about Diane. I'm glad you told me about her. It makes it easier for me tell you about Chris."
"Who's Chris?"
"Chris Ragle, my husband."
"Your husband?" Harm asked with a confused look on his face.
"Harm please listen. Let me explain about Chris like you explained about Diane. I need you to listen and not react until I've finished. Please."
"Sarah, do you remember when I invited you here I said we don't always listen to each other. We react too quickly? I asked you to listen to everything I had to say before responding. I'll do my best to follow my own advice. I'll listen to everything you need to tell me, OK."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"I suppose I should tell you about Chris. I married Chris when I was still in high school. I had just turned 18. I was still an alcoholic at the time. My father was still cruel and mean to me. He humiliated me and called me worthless and treated me as if i was. I married Chris to get away from him. It was fun for a while. Chris and I were wild. We didn't have any cares or responsibilities. We road his Harley to Las Vegas we drank and gambled and didn't care what happened the next day. When money ran low Chris found ways to get more. He'd con or scam someone out of money. He even used me a few times to hustle money from casino customers. After a while we got thrown out of the casinos. Chris owed a lot of money to people, bookies and loan sharks. He had his own addiction. Mine was alcohol. His was gambling. He got desperate. He tried robbing a liquor store and got caught. I didn't know anything about it. I was passed out in our hotel room at the time. Chris was convicted of armed robbery and sent to prison for five years. I haven't seen Chris since the day he was convicted."
"And you never divorced him?"
"Honestly I never thought about it much. I went back to Yuma and finished high school. I was still drinking and I really didn't care to think about Chris. It wasn't until Eddie died and Uncle Matt helped me straighten my life out that I realized my marriage to Chris was a big mistake. I just wanted to forget the whole thing. I went to college, joined the Marine Corps, and turned my life around. Really in some ways I haven't been married in years. I just never ended the marriage legally. I didn't think it mattered until now."
"Why does it matter now?"
"Because I love you Harm. I want a future with you. I know you love me as much as I love you. I don't want to lose you. It's time I finally ended my marriage. I don't want Chris to come between us. I need to do this for us, but I also need to do it for myself. It's time I put Chris in the past and look forward to the future with you. I love you for the friendship you've given me, for supporting me and trusting me even when I pulled a gun on you. I love you for getting me through our mishap in the mountains and helping me overcome my demons about my dad, for seeing me at my worst and not judging me. For not seeing me as weak. I love you and want a future with you. Please don't doubt my love either Harm."
"I won't. I'll be there for you. I'll support you in any way you want. Would you like me to help you with the divorce? It's not my area of the law but I'm willing to do what I can."
"Thanks, but I think I should get a civilian divorce attorney. I'd like to keep this outside of JAG if I can. I do think that I need to let the admiral know about this. Maybe you can be there with me when I tell him. I think I owe it to him to tell him the truth. Even though I listed my marital status as separated on my enlistment forms I don't speak about it. So I haven't been completely honest with him about this."
"I promise to be there Mac. I'll support you in any way. We should probably tell the admiral about us also. He'll want to know about us when we get back. We can tell him that we are taking things slow and that we'll keep our relationship out of the office. Then we can tell him about your divorce."
"I'd appreciate that."
"It's no problem."
"Harm I need to ask you something. Can you wait for me? Can you wait for us? Until my divorce is final I think we need to keep things between us where they are right now. We can still see each other outside the office. We can date and share kisses, but we probably shouldn't spend the night together until the divorce. Do you understand?"
"Of course I understand. I'll wait as long as it takes and I'll be there whenever you need me. I think I've waited my whole life for you. You're not getting rid of me Sarah MacKenzie. I promise."
"Don't make a promise you can't keep."
"I haven't yet. Come on jar-head. Let's get some sleep" Harm said taking Mac's hands and lifting her from the blanket. I want to spend our last two nights here holding you in my arms."
"I'd like that flyboy" Mac replied. She then helped him roll up the blanket and they made their way back to the house. They prepared to sleep and then crawled under the covers of Mac's bed together. Mac curled up in Harm's arms laying on her side with her head on his chest.
"Good night Harm. I love you" Mac said as she closed her eyes.
"Good night Mac. I love you too" he replied placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.
TBC.