A/N: Last week there was a major problem with Fanfic and alerts did not get sent out, my chapter wasn't showing up, etc. It was an aggravating week for me. Hopefully this will be a better run. Some of you might have missed the previous chapter altogether, so you might want to check before reading this one to be sure you read chapter 9 or you will have missed quite a bit!
Big thanks as always to my awesome beta Ashley (Ms. Skittles)! It was fun being on IM with her while she was reading/editing my chapter...what a hoot!
**This is an edited chapter. Thanks to my beta Jess (jkane180) for her help with the Twilighted editing project! You are awesome!
Chapter 10
~I Don't Feel Anything...Or Do I?~
~*Edward's POV*~
Mortified. That was the only word that truly fit me as I came back to myself after leaving the hospital. Emmett kept his iron grip on me until we were well away from there, until he was sure I would not go back and try to....I couldn't even think it. The vilest of instincts had taken me over; I had not been in control of my body and behaved in the most abhorrent way possible.
Today, above all days, I was ashamed of what I am, despised what I am. I couldn't shed the tears that I so desperately wished could flow from my eyes. I couldn't go to the human girl and apologize properly without the desire, or risk, of attacking her again. Vile, disgraceful, unnatural, an aberration—that's what I am. Undeserving of life, I tried to take life from an innocent today—definitely not a red letter day for me. After all of this I would have to go home and face my family—face Carlisle, who would never judge me—which made it so much worse somehow.
I had a fervent desire to hurt myself, to punish myself. There was no physical damage that could be done to an indestructible creature such as myself, but I did seem to be good at suffering psychologically—or at least that's what Alice tells me often enough. She thinks I'm dramatic, that I suffer too much from self-imposed punishments. Maybe she's right—in most cases—but today I've earned any punishment, any suffering, that comes my way.
I have always prided myself on my control around humans. Other than when I spent time clearing out the dregs of society, ending the lives of psychos and lowlifes by choice, I was able to handle my thirst easily. I hadn't been tempted to take a human life in decades.
Today was an all-time low point for me; I felt like a failure. Part of it was ego, yes, but another part of me was absolutely horrified that I almost killed an innocent girl—someone who obviously cared very much about others. A girl who was more concerned about the fate of her friends than the fact that there was a vampire in her room lusting for her blood! If the situation wasn't so dire, I would have laughed out loud as I thought about the way she dismissed me, invited me to come to her house to kill her later on and when she asked Emmett to bodily remove me from her room so she could deal with things. Then she thanked me for being honest about the fact that I would probably attack her again if Jasper's influence slipped. The way this human's mind worked was a complete mystery.
Bella.
When I thought her name it did funny things to my insides just like the first time I'd heard Alice say it. Hearing it caused a strange, tugging feeling that I didn't recognize.
Bella was a mystery that I wanted to solve. Not only did I want to know why she set off such a strong physiological reaction within me that caused me to want to drain her dry, but I was fascinated by her lack of fear around vampires, not to mention the fact that her mind was closed to me. I considered whether or not I could control myself long enough to --
Alice appeared suddenly in the doorway to my room. "Not a good idea, Edward." She shook her head vehemently, a perturbed look on her face.
"Would I..."
"Yes, Edward," Alice confirmed grimly.
"My God, Alice, when this all happened I was on the way to tell Carlisle that I was going to spend some time in Alaska—maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea."
"No, Edward." Alice came into the room and sat next to me on the sofa, placing her little hand in mine and laying her head on my shoulder. "There's so much you don't know…so much I need to explain to you."
"Okay, I'm listening."
"Let me show you some things and then you can ask questions. First, just let me say I'm so sorry. I was trying to pin down my visions before talking to you and—I was wrong. I didn't have the right to play with your life that way. I hope someday you'll be able to forgive me, Edward." A deep sigh issued from Alice, and then the visuals began.
An overwhelming amount of information flitted through Alice's mind—enough to overload a human mind—but barely a challenge for our vampire minds. Still, it was fascinating, and I had a lot of questions.
"So this all started with you having visions of my future...disappearing?"
"They varied widely. In some you disappeared completely, in some you were broken and leaving the family to be alone, in others the Volturi came, in some the whole family was forced to leave Forks. The one common denominator though was a brown-haired girl; she seemed to be the key, the pivotal factor."
"You...shared visions with her?" I asked uncertainly.
"Yes! It was so exciting—I've never done anything like it before. One day my surroundings just...slipped away; I found myself in a piazza, and Bella was there. She told me that she has psychic experiences—that she has precognitive dreams and visions."
"Huh. Do you believe her?" My brow creased in consternation.
"Edward Cullen! I see the future; you can read minds—and you ask if she can be believed?? She saw you coming!" Alice slapped me in the arm, and I laughed.
"Okay, okay. I still don't understand how she knew who I was and, more importantly, what I was."
"She dreamed it, Edward. She dreamed about the wolves and you fighting with one of them, trying to keep him away from her. She had a dream where the two of you were uh...kind of...intimate, and you were warning her to stay away from you in waking life. She also had a dream that you drained all the blood from her while she was in a hospital bed. That's how she knew why you were there in her room. Here, I'll show you."
Protecting her from werewolves? Getting INTIMATE?? She knew I was going to try to kill her? Yet the fool still told me she missed me...that it wasn't supposed to happen that way?
"Alice, she said she missed me after I tried to...to..."
"Yes, that," Alice said, solemnly. "Bella has developed feelings for you. She thinks that she's going to love you. Take a look."
"W-what did you say? Did you say your brother's name is Edward?"
"Yes, why?"
"Oh. My. God."
"Bella? What's wrong? Oh! Oh, gosh. You know who he is, don't you?"
"I think so. Tall, handsome, bronze hair, golden eyes...vampire?"
"You know, then. Bella, I know this is a lot to take in. You're actually taking it rather well–for a human. Oh...I think I just caught a bit of your dream from last night. Wow. I think I'm starting to see where you're going to fit into Edward's life. Woah."
"Alice, I think I'm going to love Edward. I think part of me already does. Does that sound as crazy to you as it does to me?"
"NO!" I snarled. "She's–she's human! There's no way there could be any relationship between us. Just get that crazy idea right out of your head."
"Edward, it's true. I think she's your mate." Alice turned on the couch to look into my eyes; I refused to look at her. She put her hands on my face and tried to turn it to her, but I resisted.
"No. I want to kill her; I can't even be in the same proximity as her. I hate myself for it, but it's the truth." I closed my eyes against the pain it caused me to say this.
"It doesn't always have to be that way," Alice said softly.
"What do you mean?"
"I've seen it. If you're determined enough—and it will take a lot of self control—you can overcome your desire for her blood."
I looked at Alice then and saw the sincerity in her eyes and thoughts. I saw the mental picture of Bella and I...together. The thought that I could overcome the blood-lust warmed be—but I felt nothing for the girl—other than regret that I almost killed her and maybe a bit of curiosity.
"I don't feel anything for her, Alice. I don't understand how she can feel anything for me—especially after I tried to kill her. I think whatever she thought she felt is long gone now."
"Oh, I think Bella will surprise you in many ways, Edward. But I'm going to stay out of it, other than to tell you that if you harm a hair on her head, you'll answer to me!" She hissed at me then patted my hand.
"And to me!" Jasper added, coming into the room. "I'm starting to grow fond of Miss Bella. She has some chutzpa; you have to give her that."
"But, Alice, you said it wasn't a good idea for me to see her..." I began.
"Well, you can call her, or you can see her with Emmett or Jasper. But under NO circumstances should you be alone with her right now. Not even in scenting distance. Promise me?" Alice's eyes bored into mine, looking quite serious.
"Yes, of course, I promise." I sighed deeply. "I think I've done enough damage already. But I'm just curious about why I can't read her mind and why she isn't afraid of us. I don't have feelings for her."
"Got it, Edward. You don't have feelings for Bella," Jasper repeated back to me, looking amused.
"What?" I asked him belligerently.
"Nothing, Edward; nothing. Just go easy and remember to bring myself, Emmett—or both maybe—with you when you go see her."
"Who says I'm going to go see her? I might not."
"Right," Jasper snorted
Alice rolled her eyes.
I growled.
~*Jacob's POV*~
I kept playing over and over again what the surgeon had told me. Angela made it through with flying colors, but....she might not wake up. She didn't have brain damage as far as they were concerned, but with head injuries, there was no knowing what might be affected. We would just have to see if she woke up. He didn't seem all that hopeful or encouraging. When Angela was stabilized she would be moved to the hospital in Forks, so she would be closer to home. I breathed a sigh of relief; it was hard being away from the pack and from Bella.
Holding Angela's hand, I sat next to the bed, listening to the steady beeping of the monitors and her soft, even breathing—which often lulled me to sleep. I refused to leave her side except to eat and take care of necessities. Tears came frequently as I thought of all the time we might not have together, getting to know each other, loving each other. If she didn't make it I didn't know if I would be able to go on. The pack had no experience with an imprint that passed on—maybe I would die, too.
Angela's aunt showed up, which just added to my stress. I wasn't sure how close they were and how much on the fly thinking I would have to do. Bella was available by phone if things got tense, but as it turned out, I needn't have worried.
She blew into the room like a tornado, drenched in Chanel No.5 (or whatever was fashionable this week...which killed me with my heightened wolf senses...chuff), Hermes scarf, power suit, high heels, and briefcase.
"You must be the fiancé! I'm Miranda Weber." She air kissed me on each cheek—air kissed??—and put her coat and briefcase down on a chair in the corner.
"Nice to meet you...uh...Ms. Weber," I stammered out.
"Miranda, please. You make me feel so old! So, how's our girl? Have they reached my goody-two-shoes brother yet?"
"No, they're trying to get a message out to the mission where Reverend Weber is. They have no phones or internet access there. Miranda, perhaps we can go for a cup of coffee?"
"Okay..." She looked at me searchingly.
"I'd rather not have a discussion here." She just stared at me. "In front of Angela."
"Oh, yes! Sure, let's get coffee."
This woman was going to be...interesting to deal with. We took the elevator down to the coffee shop. I had a ham and Swiss on rye; Miranda just ordered a coffee—black. I went over the whole story with her including the accident, medivac flight to the hospital, surgery, and the discussion with the surgeon.
"So, basically, they aren't sure if Angela will ever...wake." I choked back a sob. "She'll be transferred back to Forks in a day or two, so she can be close to her family and friends."
Miranda put her cool hand on mine. "This must be so hard for you, Jacob. My Angela is so lucky to have you, especially with my brother unavailable. So, how long have you two been engaged? They never even told me!"
"Well, we're not really engaged...yet. I had to tell the hospital that so they would let me near Angela. I love her, and I hope to marry her one day—that much is true."
"Good thinking, young man! I like you. That makes me feel much better about having to head out tomorrow."
"What??"
"Oh, I was informed that I have an emergency meeting in France, and I must be there...or else. It can't be helped. I know that Angela is in good hands with you though." Miranda smiled as she patted my hand.
Good thing Angela had me because if not for that she'd be all alone!
When we got back to the room, I was shocked to see Sam sitting in the chair beside Angela's bed.
"Sam!" The surprise was evident in my voice.
"Hey, man! How are you holding up?" We slapped hands.
"I'm okay, I guess. This is Miranda, Angela's Aunt. Miranda, this is my friend Sam."
"Oh, another handsome specimen? Are they growing you out on the Reservation, or what? Nice to meet you, Sam." Her eyes twinkled.
"Miranda." Sam nodded politely. "Jacob, we need to talk."
"Miranda, do you mind staying with Angela for a little while?" I asked.
"Sure, you go ahead." She settled in the chair next to Angela, holding her hand. At least she had a little bit of compassion.
Sam and I went down to the street and walked. It was the first fresh air I'd had in a few days; the cool night air swirled around my hot face, and it felt like heaven. The sounds of the night—beeping horns, traffic, people milling about—were oddly comforting.
"Everything okay, man?"
"Not exactly, Jake," Sam said carefully.
"What is it? Is Bella okay?" I felt panicked.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm just a little concerned because I went to see her, and I smelled leech all over her room! Then while I was there, two of the Cullens showed up—Alice and Jasper. Bella claims they're friends of hers."
"What?? Since when?" The breath was knocked out of me.
"That's what I was hoping you could tell me, Jacob. What's she doing hanging out with leeches? And having dreams about giant wolves..." Sam looked at me pointedly.
"You think she knows?"
"I'll bet she does now."
I closed my eyes. "Shit."
"You said it, bro."
"She won't tell anyone...I know Bella, Sam! I just don't understand why she wouldn't have told me about them or confronted me if she suspected that...I..."
"Jacob, when you get back to Forks I need you to find out what she knows."
"Is that a command, Sam?"
"No...but it can be if you need it to be," he growled.
Lucky me.
~*Bella's POV*~
Finally, I was alone. Charlie had to go back to work, and Alice and Jasper had gone. Tyler, Eric and Jessica had been in to see me. Tyler had a cast on his arm; Eric was lucky enough to have no fractures because he was between Tyler and Mike, and Jessica had some facial bruising and a boot on her right leg from a hairline fracture that should heal in six weeks or so. Only Mike Newton and I remained in the hospital.
To his credit, Mike had tried to save Lauren. As her body was flung every which way, he grabbed at her, holding on for dear life. He fractured his right shoulder and elbow badly enough that he needed multiple surgeries to fix them. Mike had a severe case of survivor guilt; he was mortified that he was unable to save Lauren and felt that it was a personal failure. In truth, there was nothing anyone could have done—we were hit so many times, from so many directions. I was happy to see that he was taking advantage of the counseling sessions the hospital offered.
Closing my eyes, I thought about everything that had transpired recently. Edward, my Adonis, wanted to kill me. I felt so pathetic. Even now, when I thought of him, I felt a fluttering of butterflies in my abdomen, and they were not born of fear. I had feelings for him, and he looked at me like a turkey dinner. What was wrong with this picture? Jacob might be a werewolf! Sam was one—that much was obvious. Sam knew what Alice and Jasper were, and they were repelled by him as well. This was so surreal.
Angela. My best friend lay in a coma. A sob built up in my throat as I thought about her. Thank God she had Jake there. Charlie told me she was being transferred here to Forks in the next day or two, which was a relief. Then I would be able to visit with her, talk to her, let her know I was there, and that I loved her. A tear escaped, coursing down my cheek.
Before Alice left, she gave me a cell phone to keep with me and programmed in her number and Jasper's. I was instructed to call her day or night (since vampires don't sleep anyway, haha) if I needed anything or just wanted to chat. Tears came to my eyes at how wonderful she was. Who ever thought having a vampire as a friend could be so rewarding? Smirk.
At that moment, the cell phone vibrated, showing Alice's little pixie picture.
"Hey, Alice!"
Dead silence.
"Alice?"
"No." It was a soft male voice that responded.
"Jasper?"
"No."
"Well, you called me, so..." I was starting to suspect it might be --
"It's Edward." His voice was velvety soft, sending the butterflies in my stomach into a frenzy. A soft sigh came over the line.
"Oh! Uh, hi." I wasn't sure why he was calling me, but I was not happy that my heart was betraying me by pounding away in my chest. I should be yelling at him right now, furious that he tried to kill me. But all I wanted to do was run my fingers through his riot of bronze hair. Sigh.
"I wanted to apologize for my behavior. I–I just don't do things like that. I don't know what came over me."
"I–thank you. This is a really strange conversation. Then again, I've had a really strange life lately."
"I can't hear you either; that disturbs me," Edward said contemplatively.
"Do you need me to talk louder?" I asked, confused. I thought vampires had supersonic hearing.
"No!" He laughed, and it was the most beautiful sound. "I'm sorry; I spoke as though you know what I'm talking about. Alice didn't tell you about my gift?"
"She did tell me you had one but not what it was." A smile spread across my face, I couldn't help myself.
"I can read minds. I've never come across anyone I can't hear—until you, that is." He sounded frustrated. "I just don't understand why I can't hear your thoughts. Jasper's gift worked on you."
"Mind reading...that must suck. I would hate that. And I thought my gift was bad, but you've got me beat, Edward."
"You know, most people think my gift is cool. You're the first person who said it sucks." Edward laughed again, and my heart started beating triple time. It was just —wow—when he laughed. Such a contrast to when he looked crazed and wild, trying to kill me.
"I don't mean to insult you, but God! I can't imagine hearing the thoughts of those around me all the time. It must get pretty crowded in your head, Edward."
"No, no! Not an insult at all. You seem to be the first person that gets it. I would give anything to be able to shut this off...even for an hour," he sighed. "So...Alice tells me that you have a gift of your own."
"I dream things, and sometimes, I have visions. On occasion, I'll touch someone and get a flash related to them. I also experience something similar to your ability in that, at times, I'll 'hear' what someone's thinking and answer, only to have them look at me rather strangely. I can't control mine either; it comes and goes when it wants to, which can be very annoying as well."
"Ah, I imagine so. At least mine is predictable. That would really frustrate me, too. I think I prefer mine to yours. Never thought I would hear myself say that."
"Um...this is really nice and all, but why did you call me?"
"To apologize."
"You already did that twice while you were here in my room, Edward."
Suddenly I was hit with a vision that gripped me hard and rendered me unable to speak.
I saw Alice sitting on a couch with Edward. "NO!" he snarled. "She's–she's human! There's no way there could be any relationship between us. Just get that crazy idea right out of your head."
"Edward, it's true. I think she's your mate." Alice turned on the couch to look at Edward, but he refused to look at her. Alice tried to turn his face, but he stubbornly denied her.
"No. I want to kill her; I can't even be in the same proximity as her. I hate myself for it, but it's the truth." He closed his eyes as he said this. I cringed deep inside, probably gasping out loud, although I tried to stifle it.
"It doesn't always have to be that way," Alice said softly.
"What do you mean?"
"I've seen it. If you're determined—and it will take a lot of self control—you can overcome your desire for her blood."
Edward looked Alice in the eye then, his golden eyes beautiful, but cold. "I don't feel anything for her, Alice. I don't understand how she can feel anything for me—especially after I tried to kill her. I think whatever she thought she felt is long gone now."
"Bella? Are you still there?" Edward's voice sounded concerned, although that was laughable.
"Yes, I'm here," I sighed quietly.
"What happened? I heard you gasp, and then you went really silent..." He still sounded concerned. Interesting.
"I–forget it. It was nothing." Did I really need to embarrass myself further?
"Did anyone ever tell you lying is not among your gifts?" Edward asked softly. God, that voice and what it did to my insides!
"Just—okay, did you spend some time on a leather couch chatting with Alice recently?"
"Oh." Edward sounded like he wanted to crawl under a rock.
I remained silent; what was there for me to say?
"Bella, I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for, Edward? Because I'm human? For being what you are? For wanting me dead? For not feeling anything for me? Because I saw it?"
"Yes."
"Yes to what?" I asked, confused.
"All of the above," Edward whispered in his velvet voice, and a lightning bolt shot straight to my heart.
"Just—stop, okay? I forgave you already. So you don't need to call again. You can go on with your merry little vampire life and forget I ever existed. I don't hold anything against you. Alice explained the whole 'singer' business; I know you couldn't help yourself. You're off the hook."
As much as I was attracted to Edward, as much as he made my heart race and my blood boil—I did not want him to talk to me out of any sense of responsibility or guilt.
"My merry little vampire life?" He snorted. "I have never heard anyone mention vampires and merry in the same sentence. Alice was right, you are different. Listen, Bella, I have nothing personal against you. I'm sorry your visions led you to believe there was something - "
"Stop! Just stop! I've had enough torture, please. Like I said, you're off the hook, Dracula. Just go do whatever it is you do, and I'll do my thing. Bye." I hung up before I could lose my nerve.
The phone buzzed again, but I ignored it. Then the tears started. Damn it. He really couldn't care less about me, and why should he? He didn't experience the dreams that I did—and obviously they were just that—dreams. Way to go, Bella! Woo hoo.
~*Alice's POV*~
"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!! What have you done?" I yelled up from the living room.
I could see a vision of Bella crying, and everything tilting in the future. She'd made a decision to stay away from Edward, and it changed all the visions in a not-so-good way.
"What now, Alice?" Edward growled, coming down the stairs.
"That's what I'm asking you. Did you call Bella? Because she's decided to keep away from you, and the future just took a turn for the worst."
"I was just honest; did you want me to pretend to have feelings for her if I don't - "
"YOU are in denial. Wake up, Edward. Jasper! I need you." I was fuming.
"Yes, darlin'?" Jasper drawled, slinging an arm over my shoulders.
"Please tell this thick-headed individual that he's in denial about Bella."
"Oh, that. Yeah, man, you are! You can't fool the Jazz Man. You have feelings; you just don't know it yet. That tugging you feel inside at certain times? Those are FEELINGS. Feelings for a woman." Jasper waggled his eyebrows.
"That's enough, Jazz; this is serious. Edward thinks he feels nothing, Bella believes him, and now the future is all kinds of messed up!" I pouted.
Edward sighed. "So, the tugging...are you sure?"
"You DO feel the tugging, Edward?" Maybe there was hope yet.
"Yes, I felt some strange feelings when I heard her name and again when I was speaking to her. I definitely felt bad when she hung up on me. She's very...different. Aside from the fact that I can't hear her thoughts, she has a unique view of things. Do you know that she actually thought my gift sucked? That she immediately understood that it was crowded inside my head? And she called me Dracula!" Edward sounded exhilarated.
"Oh, Edward, we can all see it except for you. So, what did you do that made her decide never to speak to you again?" I asked, exasperated.
"What? Bella never wants to speak to me again?" Edward was stunned.
"Did she not tell you that on the phone? I assume the call didn't go well."
"Yes, but I thought she would cool down. She kind of got a flash...of our conversation on the couch earlier..."
"Oh, no! You have to call her back, you oaf!" I slapped Edward's arm.
"I did, Tinkerbell! She wouldn't pick up the phone," he shot back.
"I have to go see her. Jasper? Want to come?"
"What about - " Edward began.
"No way, Edward! Let us do some damage control. You've done enough for one day, Mr. Sensitivity."
Edward didn't look happy but agreed. Jasper kept suppressing a grin until he couldn't hold it back any longer.
"So, Edward...did she really call you Dracula? That's our Bella. She's saucy." I turned away smiling. Edward glared.
~*Bella's POV*~
I felt so empty and foolish. The phone buzzed several more times, but I ignored it. There was one voicemail message from Edward.
"Bella, it's Edward. I'm sorry if I've hurt you…if I've been insensitive. Wow, I can't believe you called me Dracula. Please call me back."
That silken honey voice. He could have said anything at all, and I would be yearning to call him back. I had to stick to my resolve; I refused to make an ass out of myself—especially over a vampire that wanted nothing more than to make a meal of me. How lame.
I didn't really need pain medicine badly but decided to ask for some anyway, so I could get to sleep. After the nurse was done in my room, I drifted off...
I was in some kind of palace, before a dais with three thrones. Only the center one was occupied. The man was pale with long, dark hair and a flowing red robe. What rendered my mouth dry was the sight of his blood red eyes.
"You're gifted, I hear. I'm always looking for those with...talents."
For some reason, a cold finger of fear ran up my spine.
"No!" I jumped up out of my sleep, breathing hard.
A/N: I did an interview for Dazzy's Writer/Reader Lounge on FFFW. If you are a member there, please come check it out! The link is on my profile.
A few fics I wanted to recommend. There is a one shot by one of my all time favorite authors Octoberland called "The Kiss". She wrote it based on the leaked kissing scene from New Moon....good GOD! Please read it and give her some well deserved lovin'. The other is a story called "A Simple Matter of Timing" by a newer writer BettyBarcheta. I really like the story and think it should be getting much more attention than it has.
I have two one shots of my own coming out at the end of November. One is a missing piece of New Moon the way I would have done it and the other is from Jasper's perspective. They are currently in a contest where writers remain anonymous until the end, so I can't post them until December 1st. Put me on Author Alert if you are interested in reading them when they come out.
Happy Thanksgiving to all if I don't get an update out before Turkey Day!
Review and I will TEASE YOU! :-)