A/N: Looking back at the last chapter I realized that the formatting is just weird, but I don't know how to fix it. Every time I try to edit it, the document looks fine but then reverts to that mess. I apologize if the formatting annoyed anyone. Also, there is a reference to something that was revealed in chapter 8, so if you are reading and suddenly wonder where something is coming from, it's a good bet that it's from there lol.
The noise was unbearable. The loud hum of incoherent conversations seemed to echo off every wall. There was no reprieve. The chaos of the sounds disorientated him. He could not focus, he could not breathe. The small room he was sitting in began getting smaller as the voices only became louder. Suddenly the mass of voices became only one. It was small and pleading, but this one was the most painful of all. He soon craved for the chaos again wishing to drown out this painful voice, his partner's voice.
"Stop!" Fin yelled as he pushed himself back from the tabled as he stood, violently knocking down his chair while he rose. "Son of a bitch, just stop!" he yelled again as he paced the small conference room that stood adjacent to Olivia's office.
Carisi, like the good detective he was, had followed his Lieutenant's orders for both he and Fin to leave Amanda's apartment as soon as possible. Not knowing where else to take the elder man, Carisi had taken an apparent stoic Fin back to the one six precinct. The Italian detective walked briskly, leading Fin into the sound proof conference room where they usually talked to victims. Carisi didn't know how this was going to play out but he knew it was better if they did not have an audience.
Fin had sat in the chair offered to him with no resistance. He had seemed to Carisi stuck in his head. If the younger man didn't know any better he would assume that Fin was both mute and deaf, not responding to his environment in any way.
Carisi could not help but look the elder man over. A man he had trusted his whole time at SVU, who he had held in high regards. It didn't make sense. Fin had always been protective over Amanda, Carisi could not believe that he was even physically capable of hurting her. This betrayal was devastating for Amanda, but for him and Olivia as well.
As Carisi silently watched over the seemingly broken man his stomach began to turn. He had to excuse himself and asked if his elder counterpart wanted something to drink. With no surprise, Carisi was not given a response. He quickly fled the room and made it to the men's restroom just in time to empty his stomach into the toilet. He felt the cold sweat sweep across his face. With heavy breaths, he stood and whipped his forehead. After flushing the toilet and cleaning himself off, the young detective stood in front of the mirror staring blankly at his reflection. "Wake up, come on just let me wake up" he whispered sadly hoping beyond hope that all of this, everything that had happened after Fin's birthday two nights prior, was a bad dream. Knowing his endeavor to be useless, Carisi finally left the bathroom to get two bottles of water.
He did not want to return to that eerie room yet, he still did not want to face the reality of what was to come. Carisi entered Olivia's office and watched Fin through the two-way mirror if only to prolong the inevitable. He watched the man he had worked with for the last three years as if he was some undiscovered animal brought in for observation for the first time.
He could see the elder detective's chest rise and fall, the only real indicators that he was in fact alive. Fin's eyes were open but stared unseeingly at his hands, hardly blinking. The moment so painful and long Carisi felt his mind being pulled away from it "Come here Sonny, I want to show you something fun" a sudden voice said in Carisi's ear "you're going to like it, but it has to be our secret". His vision suddenly shifted away from the interview room and into his old childhood church. He saw Father Hadley standing at the doorway, beckoning his younger self to come inside. Everything screamed for him to run, he tried to turn around but he couldn't stop what had already happened.
Carisi felt his heart being filled with rage and hatred as the man he had trusted, should have been able to trust, took everything from him. The bottles of water in his hand slipped to the floor as Carisi gripped onto the window sill with force. His face became a snarl as the anger he felt toward Father Hadley was beginning to be directed at Fin. At that moment, Fin and Hadley might as well have been the same person.
The young detective was ready to go back into the interview room and tear Fin apart for what he had done to Amanda, to get her justice, to get justice for himself, but before he could move another voice was in his head. "Sonny, God likes to test us. He tests us on our strength and compassion. It is easy to hate this world, it would be easy to hate him. I think both of us know that there is terrible evil here and innocent people get hurt because of it. I wouldn't blame a person if they acted out, like you are. I just want you to know that beneath that pain, beneath what is easily seen, there is something more". A tear fell from his eye as he remembered what Father Franco had told him when he was in his own darkest moments, words that he never understood until he joined the police force. That man had saved his life and it was because of him that he was who he was that day.
Taking a deep breath, Carisi refocused on Fin as he sat on the other side of that two-way mirror. Carisi didn't know what to do, at that moment, Fin was both Father Hadley and Father Franco. Fin had done something terrible, but at the same time, there was no erasing all the good he had done in his time as an SVU officer.
Carisi wasn't given much time to ponder on the sudden dichotomy of the elder detective. He watched how in the blink of an eye the calm looking Fin went into a range as he violently stood up yelling for it all to stop. Carisi did not hesitate to enter the room, hoping to calm down the elder man before he hurt himself or destroyed the room.
"Son of a bitch, just stop!" Fin yelled as he paced the room halting his movements only long enough to punch the wall.
"Fin, Fin!" Carisi yelled as he came up to the dark-skinned detective "you need to stop, calm down man" he tried as he pulled Fin away from the wall. The moment he made contact with the other man, the elder detective turned around with his hands up ready to fight. "Whoa, Fin, don't do this" Carisi said as he quickly backed up ready to dodge a blow "Fin!"
"What?" Fin slowly began to regain his senses. The terrible begging finally receding to the back of his mind as Carisi's presence in the room became known. "Carisi? What..." he continued as he began to realize where he was and why he was there "her voice… I could hear her"
"Her voice?" Carisi repeated "whose voice?" he was becoming concerned about his partner's state of mind
"Manda's" Fin deadpanned, his face crumbling "I can hear it now, I couldn't then, but now I do" he rambled as he grabbed his face in shame "What have I done, Carisi, what have I done?"
"I don't know, Fin, but how about you and me take a seat again. Let's try to figure this out together huh?" Carisi responded, going into cop mode on instinct. It was easier to handle if he didn't think all that much about the issue they were both there about. Carisi watched as Fin gently nodded his head and sat back at the table as he did the same.
"Let's start at the beginning," Carisi said slowly as he tried to make eye contact with Fin "what happened after the party on Wednesday night?"
Fin took a deep breath "I really don't remember" he said honestly "I had drunk so much…" he added with a sad shake of his head "I can't remember a time within the last 10 years where I drank as much as that"
"Okay," Carisi said with a slight nod as he pursed his lips "I can understand that, but how about some details, you know a little thing can lead to bigger revelations. A sight, a sound, a moment"
"I… I think I remember giving Amanda my keys. Yeah, I gave her my keys before I entered a drinking contest with my old buddy from Vice" Fin was concentrating hard "but that is as far as I can go with my actual memory"
"Actual memory?" Carisi questioned, "what do you mean by that?"
"Remember this morning" it wasn't so much of a question as it was a statement, but Carisi nodded regardless, "you told me it was a rough night for you and Manda, and I said understood… well, I did. I had a nightmare, or what I thought was a nightmare" Fin paused as his face formed a tight grimace
Carisi didn't want to risk losing Fin so he prodded him on "thought it was a nightmare? You don't believe that what you had was a simple nightmare?"
"At first I did… but now… after this" Fin looked up as he bit his lip hard before regaining eye contact "I saw it happen. It was like a movie. Amanda was pushed down onto a bed she was pleading for me to get off her, I can still hear her voice…" he slammed his hand on the table "damn it, she begged me to stop, but I didn't, I couldn't. She was crying" he was breathing harder now. Fin was having a difficult time controlling his emotions. Carisi also found it a challenge to not emote any of his feelings. "I thought it was just some sick perverted scene my mind concocted to get an idea of what Amanda had gone through. We have seen enough rapes in our time here that it's not difficult to get a vivid image of one… but I knew. I knew this was different. This dream, it sent a chill down to my very core"
"So, this nightmare, you think it was what actually happened?" Carisi asked to be sure
"I hope it wasn't like this" Fin let out in a stuttered breath "I hurt her, I was looking at her face the whole time. I can't get that image out if my head, her pain, her panic, her desperation". A sudden clarity overcame him "I did it. There is no denying it, huh" Fin looked as if he was ready to die "you're going to arrest me" it was a cold statement, detached, spoken as if the matter didn't affect him personally. He was emotionally shutting down.
The stamen caught Carisi off guard. He was so caught up in the facts of the situation that he never once considered the fallout of it. In any normal case, he would be arresting Fin right now, reading him his rights, but this was no ordinary case. "I um… I don't know, Fin. You know we should be handing this off to IAB since you're a cop and all"
"Those bastards" Fin huffed unenthusiastically "won't they be delighted that you guys did all the leg work and they get the credit, fuckin vultures" he added sadly, even with everything going on, Fin couldn't help but to jab at IAB, if only by reflex.
"I'm going to step out and call the Lieu, want anything?" Carisi asked him as he stood to leave
"No" Fin responded barely above a whisper
Carisi simply nodded his head and left the room. As soon as the door was shut behind him he leaned heavily against the wall and let out a large breath. After a few seconds of just taking everything in, he reached for his phone and dialed Olivia. "Lieu, I hope it's not a bad time but I needed to talk to you," he said the moment Benson answered her phone. He hoped that Olivia was able to help Amanda to calm down by then.
"No, Carisi, it's alright, but I don't think I have long to speak," Olivia said quietly over the phone
"How's Amanda doing?" he asked suddenly, the memory of her screaming in the bathroom flickering before his eyes.
"I got her to calm down some" Olivia responded and then after a pause continued "this is not going to be easy for her to move on from"
"Or any of us" Carisi added solemnly, he couldn't see it, but he knew that Olivia was nodding in agreement as well. "I talked to Fin, he really doesn't remember much, but he described a nightmare he had last night about Amanda's assault. He understands he did this, he confessed" he gave a long pause before he continued "he asked what our next move is, I told him I'd call you"
He could hear the stress Olivia was under at that moment by the gravity in her words "we don't have a choice, Carisi, we need to hand this over to IAB… but it's Friday afternoon he won't get arraigned until Monday morning" she explained as she considered their options
"We can't do that to him, Lieu, a cop in lock up for the whole weekend… it wouldn't be good for him" Carisi said instantly, he was surprised by how quickly he became fearful for Fin's own situation
"I know we can't" Olivia responded just as fast "look, because it's Fin, let him go. Tell him to come back first thing Monday morning to turn himself in. I'll contact IAB and the DA's office then"
"Won't that look bad, though, like we're giving him special treatment?" Carisi wondered how much administrative trouble Benson could get in for letting a perp walk for the weekend. It was a strange feeling to think of Fin as their perp, but facts were facts
"I'll handle any blowback if any is to come, but Fin's not a danger to the community. Tell him to report back on Monday, but make sure he knows not to contact Amanda, for any reason" Olivia emphasized her last words
"Copy that Lieu" he responded before the call ended.
A/N: It was extremely difficult to write the first half of this chapter. If any of you have read my other stories, or noticed the chapters before this, I think it's apparent that I am a very dialog driven story teller :) I like the characters to speak for themselves. So, I hope that first part made sense. I wanted to show how what happened would affect them all :) thanks so much for reading, and being patient with my slow updates hehe.