A huge thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, or recommended this story! You are the smartest, most insightful readers ever and I'm incredbly inspired by you. Keep it up.

Interesting fact: L.M Montgomery wrote the confession/ proposal scene in three and half, very small pages - I was tempted to count the number of words but I decided that was taking procrastination too far ;-) It's taken me 2 chapters. Sometimes I really have wonder about myself...

Chapter 11: Ladder to the Sun

If you want me then you can have me
take me, oh baby grab me
Cause if you want me then you can have me

Cause you're not just anyone
You're a ladder to the sun
You're not just anyone
You're a ladder to the sun

-Ladder to the Sun, Coldplay

~August~

"Will you marry me?"

Edward blinked, once, twice. His mouth opened and closed soundlessly as if he couldn't believe what I had said. Time ticked by excruciatingly slow—seconds, minutes, or was it longer?—as I waited for him to say something. I felt naked under his stare, overexposed and vulnerable in a way that made my face burn. I dropped my eyes to the blanket, fixing my gaze on the hole just next to Edward's hand as if it was the most interesting thing I'd ever seen.

Please say something Edward, I begged him inside my head. Say anything.

At last, he spoke, his voice very soft. "You're not joking are you?"

I sighed. "No, I'm not."

The high I'd gotten from confessing my feelings to Edward was rapidly wearing away, leaving me feeling hollow and miserable. I didn't want to take back what I had said— I still meant every word— but I wanted to fast forward through this whole uncomfortable conversation to the outcome.

"Marriage?" he began hesitantly, running his long fingers through his hair in his habitual nervous habit. "You want to marry me? But Bella… why?"

"Because I, I want you," I said, blushing. There were so many ways that Edward could take those words. And they were all true. "Believe me, I never thought I would be asking this," I exclaimed, not wanting him to think I was crazy. "When I was seventeen I thought marriage was the stupidest thing in the world… I didn't understand."

"But you do now?"

I flushed. "Since I've met you, yes, I can understand wanting to… belong to someone. Wanting to belong to you. To have something permanent in that way."

That was the only way I could describe it to myself. I needed something concrete, real, something that would go beyond the next ten months, that would last forever even if it was only written on a piece of paper and forgotten about. I would know, and so would Edward…

I looked up in time to see Edward's forehead pull together in a deep frown. "Don't you know how unfair what you're asking for is?" he asked.

I flinched, feeling like I'd just run over a puppy or something equally heinous. "Of course I know how unfair this is!" I cried. "I'm fully aware that you get nothing out of this— God Edward, do you think I don't know how terrible I'm being to you? I tell you stuff even my own family doesn't know, and I ask you to marry me—and you don't, you don't even…" I slumped a little, not finishing the sentence. An awful bitter laugh forced its way out of my throat. "I know that this is the most selfish thing I've ever done, and I'm so sorry for burdening you with this."

Edward dropped his head forward onto his palm and sighed. "That's not what I mean at all."

"Then what do you mean?"

"You say you want to belong to me—I get wanting to give yourself to someone you love, fuck, I've been there too. But I also know that if it's not equal, if it's not mutual give and take, just how easy it is to get your heart broken. Bella I don't want you breaking your heart over me; I'm not worth it."

"It's my heart," I said stubbornly. "It's my decision to make." And you are worth it.

"Don't you want someone who feels the same way about you?"

"In a perfect world, of course I would want that. But the fact is that I have ten months Edward, that's never going to happen for me."

"It should happen to you!" he said vehemently. "You deserve that!" He ran a hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck. When he spoke again, his voice had gentled. "Jesus Bella, you've only seen one doctor, what about specialists? Someone has to be able to do something…"

"Yeah, that's what Dr Thompson said. He gave me a list of all these hospitals and doctors I should visit; he told me that if I was very lucky maybe I'd get an extra six months." I shook my head. "Chemotherapy, experimental treatments… I don't even know what else, but I'm pretty sure it would mean six months of being too sick to move. I don't want to live that way— but I really don't want to die that way."

Neither of us spoke for a long time. I could tell that Edward was absorbing what I'd said. I saw the pity clearly written across his face and wondered how it would feel later on, to know he married me because he felt sorry for me. I wondered if I was willing to use that pity to get what I wanted. How far was I really willing to go? I pushed away the prickly uncomfortable feeling the thought caused; I would continue to be honest… and Edward didn't have to do anything he didn't want to.

"I'm so fucking sorry," he said very gently. "I knew there was something… off with you, but I never imagined it was anything so bad."

"You could tell I was sick?" And here I'd thought I'd done such a good job of hiding it from everyone.

"Don't worry, I don't think most people would pick up on it; it was just little things." Edward started suddenly. "The night of the concert, you were having an attack weren't you?" I nodded. "Are they always like that?"

"Before I started taking medicine they were usually worse; some hurt so much that I couldn't even move." I shuddered, remembering. "But I don't have nearly as many as I used to, and when I do they don't last long." I paused hesitantly. "You wouldn't have to worry about taking care of me or anything. Dr. Thompson said that when I… die, it'll happen really suddenly; he said that I'll most likely I'll be fine until it happens. It won't impact your life at all, I promise."

"Hmmm," was Edward said.

I rubbed my eyes, feeling incredibly tired all the sudden. "I know that what I'm asking for is huge. You can say no. You don't have to be afraid of… hurting my feelings or anything."

"What would you do if I did?"

I shrugged. "Hope you wouldn't push me away completely. I'm pathetic enough to want whatever I can have with you, however… casual." I winced a little at the word, wishing that there was a better one. "I don't have any shame when it comes to you."

He shook his head and I could see the impatience rising to the surface; I could tell he didn't like what I'd said.

"How can you possibly feel that way about me—how can you love me? You don't even know me. What if all those things people say about me are true?"

I reeled back at that, anger snapping inside me. "I know you're sweet. I know you're a good person and you make me laugh. I know that you're the kind of guy who would never miss his friend's wedding, and who would find a way to be there for her without causing any drama. I know that you don't mind being around me and I'm pretty sure you like kissing me. I know that when you're holding me I feel like I'm home, and Edward, in 26 years I've never felt that way before… Whatever else there is, whatever you have or haven't done… it doesn't matter to me."

He stared at me, eyes wide and shocked. "You love me that much?"

More. I love you so much more than that.

But there was no way I could tell him that, so I gave him the truth I knew he could handle. I simply said, "Yes, I do."

"I can't help but think you deserve better."

Better? As if there was anything better. "I don't want anyone else." I caught my breath and bit my lip. "I want you."

"But why? Why do you want me to marry you? And don't just say it's because you love me; it takes more than love to want to marry someone."

"But I—I've already told you why."

"No you haven't, not really. Please Bella, you have to explain it to me. Tell me what you want."

I frowned at him. I had thought the hardest part was behind me but it wasn't true. How could I put into words exactly why I wanted him? There was nothing easily definable about it, nothing really sensible or obvious. It just was. I'd lain awake at night so many times trying to figure it out but that was always what it came down to.

"I feel comfortable with you," I said at last. "I'm positive that we could be happy together. And… the way you live appeals to me; I want to go kayaking with you in the middle of the night and watch the stars with you. I have dreams about that… I think a small part of me wants to do something that will shock my mom; I want to see the look on her face when I do something completely unpredictable." I was fully aware that I was babbling now, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. "I really don't want to go back to Charlie's. I need to feel like something's changed, like I haven't ended up right back where I started…. Mostly, I don't want to be lonely anymore."

"Thank you Bella," he said softly.

My head shot up at that. I was so confused; I didn't know what I'd been expecting but it certainly wasn't this. I had asked the impossible. I had told him everything. And Edward wasn't laughing, he wasn't running away, he wasn't looking at me like I'd lost my mind.

He wasn't saying no.

And the more time that passed, the more hopeful I began to feel that he wasn't going to.

"For what?" I asked cautiously. I was a little horrified that I'd said so much. I certainly hadn't meant to, but it was almost as if after never telling anyone anything, that I'd gotten drunk off of telling the truth. And small part of me knew that I would never be able to be this open with Edward again.

"For being honest," he answered. "I don't have much experience with that."

"I'll always be honest with you."

The tension seemed to leave the air around us with that. I felt more relaxed than I had since we'd come to the meadow. Edward was sitting so close beside me that I could feel the warmth radiating from him, and it calmed me. He reached for my hand again, his fingers closed firmly around my own.

"The truth is, I'm lonely too Bella." He stared off into the woods, his eyes distant and unfocused. The small, hopeful feeling inside my chest began to grow, though I tried to suppress it. "So, marriage huh? Are you planning on the big wedding and the fancy dress?"

"Please," I rolled my eyes, "after helping Alice I never want to hear the word 'wedding' ever again."

"I can imagine." I watched the smile leave Edward's eyes. "Before we do this you need to understand a few things about me." His tone was cool and serious. "There are things in my life that I don't want to share with you. I don't want to talk about them, not ever, not to anyone."

"That's fine."

"You have to promise you won't ever answer my cell phone or look at my email."

The little bubble in my chest was quickly becoming a balloon. "I promise I won't pry."

"I know this will probably sound like a contradiction after what I just said, but I need us to be honest with each other. I don't want us to pretend anything to each other, ever. If you ask me something I don't want to answer, I'm not going to lie to. Will you do the same for me?"

"Yes of course."

Edward gave me one last hard, appraising look. "I believe you." He shook his head, almost as if he couldn't believe he was really saying the words. "Okay then. Let's get married."

"Okay," I replied, my voice very small. Suddenly I was feeling more embarrassed than if he had said no.

I decided to adopt Edward's no-nonsense tone. There were still things I needed to make sure of before we did this. "I've written letters for Charlie and my mom explaining everything and telling them to talk to Dr. Thompson when… when it happens. Will you deliver them?"

"I will. And thank you; I don't want your father thinking I've poisoned your or anything."

I frowned at that, feeling a little guilty. I wasn't sure if my father would ever really trust Edward afterwards. I hated to think of the mess I was leaving behind.

"I know I've already asked for too much but there's one more thing," I began.

"What is it?"

"I need you to promise me that you'll forget I ever told you about my condition— just forget, absolutely forget that I'm going to die. I don't want you telling me I shouldn't do something or warning me to be careful. I never want to talk about it again."

"If you're sure?"

I nodded, feeling a little breathless that this was really happening. I put my hands on his shoulders, trying to steady my whirling thoughts. "Edward, before we go any further with this, there's two things I need to know." For my own peace of mind. "The first is, do you like being with me?"

Edward raised an eyebrow. "Yes."

I took that in. "Do you think you could be happy with me? Being married to me, I mean."

Edward didn't answer this question as quickly as he had the first. That was good, I wanted him to really think about it, to be sure of his answer before he sacrificed this for me. Finally, the softest smile playing on his lips, he cupped my cheek, tangling his fingers into my hair. Almost impulsively, he leaned forward to kiss the tip of my nose. "Yes Bella, I can be happy with you."

I exhaled, all the stress and guilt leaving me with those words. "Okay then," I said. "Let's go get a marriage license."

…

The walk back to Edward's car was as awkward as it had ever been between us. I kept shooting him sidelong glances only to find him staring straight ahead, a look of intense concentration on his face. I wanted to take his hand or at least move closer to him but I was unsure of how he would react to that.

I let myself acknowledge how messed up it all was—I'd certainly never imagined marrying a man a I was afraid of touching. But then, nothing was turning out like I'd envisioned as a wildly romantic teenager. I had proposed, and instead of a cute story that would make everyone go awww, it had sounded more like a business proposition. Mr. Darcy was a secretive, potential drug dealer/ serial killer (at least according to Renee), who didn't even love me. Was there anything more humiliating?

Well, as I'd been discovering lately, life isn't a book. Happy endings are not guaranteed, the hero isn't always heroic, the main character doesn't always get her soulmate. Shit happens and all you can do is make the best of it.

I was determined to make the best of it.

When I glanced again at Edward a little while later, a shaft of sunlight had fallen across his copper hair, causing the messy strands to gleam brilliantly; a pang of… something shot through me, strong and pulsing and wanting, reminding me of why I had fallen in love with him in the first place. I let myself hope that maybe it wouldn't always be awkward between us. Maybe later, when the shock had worn off, we could create something sweet and loving and real between us. Maybe it would better than any book.

…

I knew from helping Alice plan her own wedding that it took three days for a marriage license to become valid in the state of Washington. Edward and I decided that it was pointless to wait, so we drove straight from the meadow to the city offices in Port Angeles to get the paperwork started.

I glanced down at myself as I stepped out of Edward's Volvo, noticing that the hem of my jeans was badly stained with mud from the hike; I was wearing an old sweatshirt that Alice would have immediately thrown away if she'd found it in my closet. My shoes were caked with more mud, and there was probably grass in my hair.

Edward looked… well Edward always looked amazing, but his shoes and pants hadn't fared any better than mine had. He badly needed to shave, and his hair was a mess. He looked tired and pensive and I was sure my expression mirrored his. I told myself that it didn't really matter since we were just getting a license, but still, I wished I felt more confident.

The woman behind the desk beamed at us and murmured her congratulations, but she must have thought we were strange: we didn't laugh or hug or kiss, we didn't hold hands, we hardly even touched each other. I didn't look like a bride, I didn't even feel like one really. Our faces were serious, calm, determined; I was glad for that much at least, I didn't want to find any trace of hesitation in Edward's expression.

We sat silently on two uncomfortable metal chairs in a deserted hallway, and balanced the clipboard on our laps as we filled out the form. I peeked at the section Edward had completed in his firm, elegant handwriting, and saw that his full name was Edward Anthony Masen, he was born in California on June 20th, he was 29 years old, just a little over two years older than me. I wondered if he would have told me these things on his own if I'd asked or if they fell under the 'do not talk about' category.

Twenty minutes and 56 dollars later, Edward and I left the office, after setting up a time on Wednesday for the ceremony. In the bright sunlight I felt almost giddy. It was happening, I was really going to marry this man, become a part of his life. He was going to become part of mine…

After Wednesday my name would be Bella Masen.

Suddenly I felt dizzy, almost like I was going to throw up— not because it wasn't what I wanted, but because it suddenly seemed too real. What had been a vague faraway dream, a fantasy, was not so far away anymore. It was almost too much to comprehend.

When Edward pulled up across from Alice's apartment, I shyly touched his hand. "Thank you, so much— I know none of this is easy for you— just… thank you." It was a weak thank you for everything he was giving me, but it was all I could manage.

"You're welcome Bella," he replied. He reached across the console to open the door, his arm brushed against mine in a way that made my stomach clench. "I'll call you, okay?"

I nodded, smiling nervously, and said goodbye.

When I was halfway up the stairs a loud ringing sound made me jump in surprise, and I barely managed to keep from falling by grabbing hold of the railing. It took me a few seconds to realize that the sound was coming from my phone. With shaky fingers I pulled it out of my bag and glanced at the number.

"Mom?" I asked in surprise. I couldn't remember the last time she'd called me.

"Hi Bella," she said in that fake- cheerful voice of hers. I sighed quietly as I unlocked the door of the apartment, and quickly walked through the empty rooms to my bedroom. I collapsed face first onto the blow up mattress, suddenly so exhausted that I didn't even bother to kick off my shoes.

"Hey Mom, what's up?"

"Oh nothing really," she said vaguely. "I was just wondering… now that the wedding is over, if you're planning to come home? I thought you said that girl's—"

I rolled my eyes and interrupted her. "Alice, do you mean?"

She paused. "Yes… Alice." I could hear the distaste in her voice. "I thought I heard you say that her lease was up in three days?"

"Yeah, it is."

Renee seemed to be waiting for me to say something. "So will you becoming home soon then?" she prompted.

Home.

My heart tugged painfully at the thought of it. I rolled over onto my back and closed my eyes, trying to imagine a place that I felt that way about. Unbidden, Edward's cottage flashed before me; it was such a dreamy, unreal place to me… but already I knew it was more home to me than anywhere I'd ever lived before.

"Bella? Did you hear me? Are you coming back?"

"I heard you," I answered, yanking myself back to the present. "I have a few more things to settle here… but yes, in three days I'll be home."

With Edward.

I'm going to throw something out here, how do you feel about the next chapter in EPOV? It would probably be short and it wouldn't give very much away but it would provide a little insight as to his feelings for Bella. I dunno... I'm playing around with the idea. What do you think?

As always, review!