A/n: Yes, this is really an update! An update before three months has passed! A 10,552 word update, not a quickly composed 3,000 word one! I know, I'm shocked too. But I promised I'd get this one up quickly so here it is :) Thank you all so incredibly much for all the reviews last chapter! I hope you all enjoy this update!
"Take strength from those that need you." -- Phil Collins, "Two Worlds"
MILEY'S POV:
"Are you coming to bed?" Jake asked. I nodded and pointed at the table.
"After I put these dishes in the sink. You can go on ahead though." I picked up three plates and stacked them on top of each other.
"I can help." He replied. He grabbed a cup and I rolled my eyes and pulled it out of his hands.
"Jake, you've been filming. Go sleep. Now."
"Well, as long as I get a choice…" He muttered sarcastically. I laughed and he walked out. I picked up all the dishes and put them in the sink. Once that was done, I leaned against the sink, a lot more exhausted than I thought. I stayed that way until the soft hum of the refrigerator made my head throb and my eyes droop. I walked out of the kitchen and through the living room and down the hall. I gently pushed open the twins' door and stuck my head in. I watched their sleeping forms for a few moments, making sure their chests were rising and falling at the normal speed. I shut the door gently and walked farther down the hall and into the bedroom.
The light was still on and I could see Jake's form in the bed. He was completely under the covers and I assumed he left the light on for me. I couldn't help but smile at the thought. I shut the light off and went into the bathroom. I shut the door and then flipped the light on. I brushed my teeth and pulled my clothes off, replacing them with a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I brushed my hair and then turned the light off and opened the door.
My body gratefully sighed in relief as I sank back on the bed. I crawled completely under the covers. I could see Jake's face in the soft, pale white light.
"Are you awake?" I whispered. He answered by wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me to him. I kissed him.
"Do you like my clubhouse?" He joked. The silver down blanket was hovering slightly above us and not quite collapsing on us, so it formed a kind of cave.
"I love it. Thanks for inviting me in." I replied. He smiled and a familiar look in his green eyes made me laugh softly.
"There's only one rule in the clubhouse: you have to play games." He said mischievously. I smiled and pushed my hands up his shirt.
"Oh, really? What games would these be?"
He smirked and grabbed my hands. He brought them to his mouth and kissed them. "There are many types of games we could play under here." He winked.
"Hm…I see…which of these games would you prefer to play?" I played along. He sighed in fake contemplation.
"Well…I'm particularly partial to the one where this happens…" He trailed off and gently pulled my shirt over my head. He tossed it out of the cave. "And then this too…" He reached down and slid the waistband of my shorts down my hips. I pushed them the rest of the way off.
"It sounds fun so far…what happens next?" I asked, mock curiosity inflating my voice. I continued. "Maybe I do this?" I pushed my hands back under his shirt and kept pushing it up until he was free of it. I kissed his chest and moved back into his arms. "And then the game stops because you have to wake up in five hours and you didn't get any sleep last night." I finished.
His hands caressed my back and he groaned. "But sleep is so overrated. Everyone knows it's just something people do to pass time when they can't have sex."
I laughed and pulled back a bit. I stretched my head up and kissed him.
"Goodnight, Jake. I love you."
I settled in his arms.
"Night, Mile. I love you too." I could hear the smile in his voice. There was a pause. "But you're mine at lunch tomorrow, you tease."
I yawned. "Can't wait."
Jake pulled the cover back from our heads and the crisp sound a down blanket makes when moved sounded lovely. The cold air was shocking. He set a warm hand on my head and smoothed my hair back.
"Hey." He whispered.
"Hi." I replied. I tipped my head back and peered up at him. He was beautiful. He looked down at me with concerned eyes.
"Are you okay?" He asked. I kissed him a few times before settling back down in his arms and answering his question.
"Yes. She didn't say anything that I wouldn't have thought about at least once that day. She was probably trying to bring up painful memories, but those memories never go away and that's okay. I just feel bad for her. She's pathetic." I mumbled.
He let his chin rest against the top of my head.
"I don't like her. She's freaky. I hope she stays away from Cole and Emily."
I yawned again, my eyes drifting shut. "Me too." I replied.
I allowed myself to drift into a peaceful sleep where, hopefully, I wouldn't dream.
"Mommy?"
I jerked awake. I opened my eyes and peered into the darkness, my eyes gravitating toward the alarm clock. The bright yellow numbers burned my eyes and I squinted to read it easier. 4:24 AM.
I sat up and blindly opened my arms, inviting whichever of my children happened to need someone to hold them right now into them. A small child crawled into them and I could deduce from the peach scent that it was, as usual, Adeline. (She had sparkly peach scented lotion she liked to put on).
"Hi, honey. What's wrong?" I whispered. She curled tighter up against me and I lay back with her, pulling the covers over us. It was cold.
"Nightmare." She whispered. She set her warm head against my shoulder and I kissed the top of it.
"Can you get back to sleep or do you want to get up?" I asked. I prayed she wanted to go back to sleep. But I remembered what it was like to wake up from a terrible nightmare and more often than not, I didn't have any desire to go back to sleep. She was silent for a moment and I was starting to think she had fallen asleep.
"I don't wanna." She mumbled against my shoulder.
I pushed her hair back from her forehead. "Don't wanna what?"
"Go back to sleep." She said. I sighed and sat back up.
"Okay, Addie. We don't have to. We can watch a movie. How does that sound?"
I could see a vague outline of her face and I saw a small smile. I had to smile in retaliation.
"Good." She said.
I stood up and set her on her feet. I walked to the bathroom door and pulled a robe on and picked her back up. I carefully padded past their room, careful to not also wake up Odette.
I set Adeline on the couch. I kneeled in front of the TV and started her favorite princess movie, and then walked over and kissed her head.
"I'm going to make us some breakfast. I'll be right in the kitchen if you need me."
I stood in there until the movie actually started, digging through my pockets trying to find a rubber band. When I located one, I walked toward the kitchen, pulling my hair up as I went.
"Wait!" Adeline squeaked. I turned back around and she slid off the couch and ran after me, wrapping her arms around my waist.
"Don't go." She said.
I picked her back up and cradled her to me, sighing. I rubbed her back.
"Oh, Adeline. What are we gonna do with you?"
She shrugged her tiny shoulders. I brought her with me into the kitchen and set her on the island. Her Sleeping Beauty pajama bottoms were twisted all around her legs—probably from kicking at her covers.
"Do you have the same nightmare each night?" I asked. I fixed the pants legs and looked up at her. The skin under her green eyes was puffy and slightly darker than normal, as if she hadn't gotten any sleep at all. I kissed her cheek and lifted myself up on the island beside her. She leaned against my side.
"Hmm?" I pushed, trying to get an answer to my previous question. She shook her head.
"What was this one about?" I asked, knowing good and well she wasn't going to tell me. She never did.
"I don't wanna talk about it." She mumbled.
I wondered if I was supposed to push her or not. My gut told me not to. But a little voice in my head wondered if it would be better in the long run if I found out. I was probably handling this entire thing incorrectly—most parenting magazines would freak out if they knew not only did I let her sleep in my bed when she was scared, but I got up with her and didn't make her go back to sleep. They would say I needed to force her to go back to sleep in her own bed and make her talk about it. But I didn't want to see her in pain. I wanted her to be happy as quickly as possible. Maybe I'm wrong for that. But so be it. At least she'll be loved.
"Okay, sweetie. What do you want for breakfast?"
"Biscuits with jelly!" She suggested enthusiastically.
"Do you want to help me make them?" I asked. She smiled even wider and nodded, her eyes full of spring grass, encircled by new pavement with a drop in the middle, and pure clouds all around.
We made breakfast together for the next hour and by the time we were done, the oven was almost bursting with creations, the kitchen smelled heavenly, and we were covered in flour.
Jake stumbled in a few minutes after we finished. His hair was sticking straight up in the back and Adeline and I burst into laughter the moment we saw him.
"Daddy…you have a molock!" Adeline giggled. I laughed and walked over to him, smoothing the hair down.
"You had a molock." I said innocently. He set a hand on the small of my back momentarily and smiled, and I could almost sense what he was thinking.
He walked over to Adeline and hoisted her in his arms. He tickled her and she shrieked with laughter, grinning so hard it almost looked like it would break her face apart.
"Daddy! Stop!" She laughed. He paused and looked at her seriously.
"Did you not like my Mohawk?" He pouted.
"It was…weird! Me and mommy made breakfast!" Adeline turned around in his arms and pointed at the oven.
"Mmm, smells good! What did you guys make?" He carried her over to the table and set her down in a chair. He sat beside her.
"Biscuits and muffins and bacon!" She exclaimed.
I left them to their discussion about breakfast and went to check on Odette. I peeked in the room and she was still curled up under her blankets. She didn't need to wake up for another hour so I decided to let her sleep.
I reentered the kitchen and stopped dead in my tracks when I did. Adeline and Jake were covered in grape jam. They both stopped their battle when I walked in and fell still. I took a deep, even breath and shut my eyes for a moment, attempting to retain my anger, and then opened them back.
I smiled tightly at Jake. "Babe…do you care to explain why you and our child are covered in jelly?"
It didn't matter why; this was still going to push me off schedule because now I'll have to bathe Adeline before I drop them off at Lana's. Once school started back in late August, the twins would be starting kindergarten. However, seeing as though all schools and pre-schools were out for summer break, the twins stayed with Lana and Jim while Jake and I went to work. Sometimes I brought them along, but most the time they preferred to play with their cousin Abby.
Once the twins were born, I sold my share of the Asclepius Center for Recovery. I hadn't wanted to give it up. It was a job that enabled me to help people and feel able and important. But I found, after all I had been through, I couldn't do it. I tried to go back for a week. I parked a block away. I didn't use my bathroom. But it was too hard. I looked at the girls and I felt what I had already been through all over again. Maybe that would have been bearable if I could have helped them. My intimate experience with their pain wasn't helping me help anyone, though. I couldn't tell them how to make the pain go away. I was only able to endure my pain once I realized I was pregnant. I couldn't exactly tell them to run off and get pregnant.
I also found that I couldn't make myself tell them to not contemplate suicide. I couldn't be the one to tell them they had to be here, that they had to endure this. What kind of life would they live now? What kind of life would the seven year olds who were raped by their own fathers live? A horrible one, most likely. My experience taught me that no matter what that center did, it wasn't going to make it go away because the memory was indelible, and having been on the other side and having felt what it was like to feel like that, I couldn't preach to them that suicide is never the answer, because that was the answer I was going to pick for a while.
Until this year I stayed at home with the twins. But when they started preschool it got really lonely around the house. I wasn't meant to sit at a home. I was meant to have some sort of job. And so this year I started working with Jake. His acting center was still going strong and it had two extra branches to it now—dancing and singing. The center basically bred strong triple threats. There were classes separated into different age groups and the day started at ten A.M. and went until three. Jake had worked out a filming schedule now that allowed him to film from 6 AM to 9:30 and then from 3:30 PM to 6, so he was always in his classroom, ready to teach future stars about acting.
I took over the singing branch hesitantly. I hadn't really been much of a singer since Isabella died. There was a point when it was something I ran to for comfort, but after a few years that turned into Jake. When it was no longer that important to me, I knew I had to quit. And I did. Until I decided working with these kids and teaching them how to do the one thing I loved more than anything else as a child would be a great thing. It is a great thing. I get to eat lunch with Jake every day and sing for four hours.
Jake smiled innocently at me. "Well…you see…I was trying to help her spread it on the biscuit…but then she got an attitude and flung some at me…and I guess it escaladed from there."
I gave him A Look and pulled Adeline out of his arms.
"You're going to take a quick bath and wash off and then you can finish breakfast with Odette." I told her sternly.
I started walking toward the bathroom with her.
"But I wanna eat breakfast with Daddy!" She complained.
"Well, you and Daddy made a mess." I reminded her. Jake suddenly wrapped an arm around my waist and yanked me to a stop. He leaned down and kissed my neck.
"It's not a catastrophe, Mile. I'm sorry. She's up early anyway. You have plenty of time." He soothed. I relaxed a bit. He was right.
He pulled Adeline into his arms. "I'll go give her a bath; you go sit down and eat breakfast."
I shook my head and pulled her back into mine. She was looking annoyed. "You have to leave soon. You go eat breakfast. I'll give her a bath."
He looked longingly at the food on the table.
"Are you sure?" He asked.
"Yep," I said. I started to walk toward the bathroom. I stopped and turned back around. "You're gonna need the energy for lunchtime." I winked and his laugh echoed around the house as we walked to our separate destinations.
I started the water in the tub and Adeline pulled her pajamas off.
"It's cold!" She complained.
"I know, Addie. I'll go turn the air down. I'll be right back; don't get in the water."
I ran out of the bathroom and down the hall to where the thermostat was. I adjusted it and ran back into the bathroom. Addie was obediently standing where I left her, watching the tub fill with water. I turned the faucet off when the tub was half full and she climbed in.
She washed her body with sparkly peach scented body wash that matched the lotion she had. I quickly washed her hair for her, making sure to get all the chunks of purple jelly out. Once she was clean, I drained the tub and pulled her princess bathrobe off the hook on the wall. I helped her into it and tied it tight and she ran toward the kitchen, screaming about food.
I woke Odette up and carried her into the kitchen. Her eyes refused to open and she fell back asleep in my arms on the short journey to the kitchen.
Adeline was already in her seat, munching on the biscuit she and Jake had attempted to put jam on. I gently woke up Odette and set her in her seat. She yawned and lay back down against the table. I sighed.
"Odette, what's wrong?" I sat beside her and set a hand on her warm back.
"I'm sleepy." She whined. I gently pulled the rubber band that was holding her braid in place out of her hair. I slowly unwound the rich braid so her hair was soft, golden waves, like the ocean during sunset.
"Did you not sleep well?" I asked. She shook her head.
"Adeline was crying and it woke me up." She replied.
I looked at Adeline, concern seeping even further into me.
"Addie? Why were you crying?" I asked. She hadn't been crying when she came to my room. Had she been sitting alone in her bed, crying for a long enough period of time that it woke Odette up?
She pushed her bacon around her plate.
"I didn't know that I was." She admitted honestly. She was crying in her sleep? Maybe Jake was right. Maybe we did need to see someone about her nightmares.
"Well you were. All night. It was annoying." Odette complained. I kissed her head, stood up, and went across the kitchen to get her a plate. I put food on her plate and got them both a drink and then set it across from them.
I listened to them talk and thought about Cole. A part of me really couldn't believe he actually did illegal drugs. I knew he got into a lot of bad things, but I guess I always assumed that was sex, cigarettes, and alcohol. What if he had been on heroin? What if he was on LSD? Or ecstasy? Or any of those other terrible, addictive drugs. I prayed that it was marijuana. At least that one wouldn't have burned holes in his brain.
He was a great person. He was creative, beautiful, smart, considerate, but also alone. I knew he always would be, even after he married Emily. No one would be able to connect intellectually with him on his own level because he thought in different ways than everyone else. He was like a painting and no painting can ever be interpreted the same way twice. People look at it and think it's simple and declare that it means one thing, but it can be so many different things. It can make itself appear as different things. Only the artist who made the painting could really see that no one would ever fully understand every part of it. I just hoped he hadn't realized that yet. And I hoped it wasn't my fault. Hobbies are fantastic. Art is great. But by abandoning him when he was younger, he attached himself totally to art and it morphed into such a big part of him that I think that's the only thing he couldn't live without. He's never been able to connect to a human as well as he connects to that easel and that paintbrush, not even Emily.
But they made each other happy. He could trust her more than anyone else and that is important. His art scares the shit out of me though. If he doesn't succeed, if his pride continues to diminish because of it…it won't be good. I'm afraid he'll become depressed. I'm afraid for him because he is alone in the worst sense of the word. He has many people that love him, but no one who really understands him.
"I'm done eating, Mommy!" Odette exclaimed, tugging on the sleeve of my robe. I glanced at the clock. I was doing okay time wise. We all stood up from the table and I took their hands and we walked to their bedroom. They sat on Adeline's bed and played with her stuffed animals while I picked out their outfits. I never dressed them alike; why would I? They have two completely different personalities.
I picked out a white eyelet lace summer dress with hot pink ribbon trimming for Adeline. I laid that out on Odette's bed with a pair of pink socks and underwear and her white shoes. I grabbed a blue and green polka dotted shirt with green shorts for Odette and she started protesting.
"No! Superstars do not wear that!" She said. "They wear sparkles! And leather!"
Oh my God. My tiny daughter is already talking about wearing sequin tank tops and leather pants.
I turned back around and peered in the closet. I found an orange smocked cami top with a few rhinestones on it and a pair of dark denim Bermuda shorts. I offered those to her and she grinned.
"Perfect! I should wear high heels too! Like that girl yesterday."
Um, yeah right. The day I let my child dress like that whore is the day I've OFFICIALLY lost my mind.
"Maybe in…fifteen years." I laughed.
Adeline had quietly dressed herself and was sitting contently on her bed, brushing Prince Corey's hair with a comb. I set Odette's complete change of clothes on her bed and went to look for her shoes. I grabbed Odette's sandals and, once she dressed herself in her "superstar clothes", I put them on her. She leaped off the bed and into my arms. She kissed my cheek.
"Thanks, Mommy. I love you."
My heart felt like it had been left out too long in the sun. Hearing any of my children say they loved me made me feel impossibly happy, but because Odette was such a wild and kind of harsh child, it was always surprising when she said it.
"I love you too, my little superstar."
She grinned hard at that.
They followed me into the bathroom and I brushed their hair and settled a headband on their heads. I glanced at them one last time, making sure they looked okay.
"Okay, you two know the drill! Go watch TV while Mommy gets dressed." I set a hand on their backs and led them into the living room. Adeline's princess movie had ended a long time ago. I restarted it since she never actually watched it and they settled on the couch.
When I entered my room, I did a quick time check. I had about thirty minutes to get dressed and get out of the house. Lovely.
I went into the bathroom and washed my face in the sink. I brushed my teeth and opened a drawer, pulling out the circular case that held my birth control pills. I grabbed the glass on the counter, filled it with water, and swallowed my pill.
I wanted to take a shower but I was too afraid to do that when I was the only adult home. I couldn't listen out for the girls and I wouldn't know if something happened. I stood in the middle of my room for a full minute, trying to decide what to do. I finally made a decision. I went back into the living room.
"Hey, girls, can you guys come watch that in my room?" I asked.
"Yes!" Odette exclaimed.
I moved them into the bedroom. I started the movie and they curled up on the bed. I shut the bedroom door and I locked it. Was I paranoid? Yes. Did I have a reason to be? Yes. If I didn't lock the door and someone came in the house and killed them while I was in another room…I would never forgive myself.
"If you need me, just knock on the bathroom door, okay?" I said. They nodded, absorbed in the movie once more.
I went into the bathroom and closed the door and stripped out of my clothes. I started the shower and jumped in almost immediately, intent on taking the quickest shower known to mankind. But the soothing steam and the sound of the water pounding against the tile swept me away and even though I washed and shaved as quickly as possible, fifteen minutes had passed by the time I turned the shower off and wrapped a towel around me.
I shuddered at the cold air. I sat on the counter and rubbed lotion on my legs and applied deodorant. Then, I pulled my robe back on. I started to walk out of the bathroom when the fogged up mirror caught my eye.
A shadow of the words "I love you" caught my eye. I smiled. Jake must have written it on the fogged up mirror last night when he took a shower. When the mirror fogged up again, it left a ghost of that sentence.
I went into the bedroom and grabbed my cell phone off the nightstand. I sent him a quick text ("I love you too") and then pulled out my clothes for tomorrow. I stepped back in the bathroom and pulled on a deep red bra and panty set that drove Jake crazy (because I'm slightly evil), a navy blue pencil skirt, a red tank top, and a white blouse. I went into the bedroom and pulled on a pair of red high heels.
"You get to wear high heels." Odette said, a pout forming on her lips.
"I'm a grown up." I explained. I leaned back and grabbed her. She shrieked with laughter. I kissed her forehead.
"One day you'll wear these so much you'll get sick of them." I promised.
"Never!" She exclaimed. She jumped off the bed and ran over my closet. She pulled out a pair of black heels and proceeded to attempt to try them on.
Adeline looked up from her princess movie.
"I wanna play dress up too!" She screamed happily. I caught her before she made it over to the closet.
"We can play dress up later when you guys get back from Abby's house, okay? But right now we have to leave."
Odette sighed and carefully kicked the shoes off.
"Will you two go grab a sweater while I put on some makeup?" I asked.
Adeline's eyes filled with longing. "Mommy, will you put some lipstick on me? Please? Please?"
Odette joined in the begging. "Me too! The red kind!"
I had the word no halfway out before I realized how stupid that was. Why was I denying time to spend with them? Being late is worth getting to spend time with them.
"Okay, makeover time!" I said. They cheered. For the next thirty minutes, my girls and I played around with the extensive makeup collection I've accumulated over the years. We all three ended up with bright red lipstick on (although I dabbed theirs a bit to lessen the color) and I put tan, shimmery eyeshadow on them. I applied a darker brown color to my eyelids.
Odette and Adeline stared at themselves in the mirror.
"I look like a princess." Adeline smiled, smoothing her dress.
"I look like a movie star!" Odette breathed.
"You both look beautiful." I fixed Adeline's headband.
Odette turned around. "You look beautiful too, Mommy."
I smiled at her. "Thanks, honey. Now, are we all ready to leave?"
My question was answered by Paint. He sleepily pranced in the bathroom and barked sharply. He gave me an annoyed look and barked again.
"Aw, did Jake not feed you?" I asked him. He barked once more. I pet him and he followed me into the kitchen. I opened the pantry and grabbed hold of his massive bag of dog food. I pulled it across the kitchen slowly and then tipped it over a bit. Food poured into his bowl and he immediately started eating it. I began the hard task of pushing the food back into the pantry while wearing heels.
"Your phone is ringing, Mommy!" Odette screamed from the bedroom.
I pushed harder against the heavy bag. It didn't seem to want to leave.
"Answer it for me, please!" I yelled back. After a few more moments of shoving, the bag began to move. I put it back in the pantry and shut the door.
Odette and Adeline entered the room.
"Grandma wants to talk to you!" Odette said. She pushed the phone out at me. Jesus Christ. Alana can talk for hours.
I put the phone to my ear hesitantly.
"Hi, Alana." I said.
"Miley! Do you know where my son is? I can't get him to answer his phone! Is he there with you?" She sounded angry.
I glanced at the clock and practically had an aneurysm. I motioned at Odette and Adeline to walk to the front door. I grabbed my purse off the table in the foyer and unlocked the door. I opened it and Adeline and Odette ran toward the car.
"HEY! SLOW DOWN!" I yelled after them. I unlocked the car door and they climbed in.
"He's filming, remember? He's been filming every morning for the past three months." I replied. I closed the door and stuck the key back in the lock and turned it. I pulled the key out and turned the doorknob, making sure it was secured.
Alana paused. "Oh. Yes. I do remember that now, actually…oh my. Why did I forget that in the first place? Do you think I'm getting Alzheimer's?"
My purse slipped off my shoulder and fell to the ground. "Fuck!"
"What did you just say, Miley? Are my son's children with you?" Alana scolded. I kneeled down and propped the phone between my shoulder and ear as I put everything back in my purse. I carefully climbed to my feet and set it back on my shoulder. I realized I'd put my keys back in my purse and I resisted the urge to curse again. I slid the purse off my shoulder and frantically dug through it, searching for the car keys.
"My children are in the car. I'm not." I snapped. Most the time she was nice, but sometimes she got in moods where she didn't approve of the way I did things, and in those moments she referred to my children as strictly Jake's kids.
I grasped the keys and pulled the phone back on my shoulder, adjusting the phone.
"You know, that's probably why Cole has such a dirty mouth! Children really do turn out just like their parents and if you had a dirty mouth it explains why he has one! I heard his bad words yesterday." She said, a pompous tone in her voice.
I climbed into the driver's seat and turned around.
"Buckle up," I whispered to Adeline and Odette. I watched them until their seatbelts were on, and then I turned back around and started the car.
"Jake has the dirtiest mouth I've ever heard…did he get that from you or Jim?" I asked, feigning innocence. Technically he didn't cuss that much…but he had a dirty mouth in bed. It still counts.
"Jake cusses around his children??"
I was so annoyed with Alana that I wasn't paying much attention as I backed up. I slammed on the brakes as a white car came out of nowhere. I felt a sick stirring in the pit of my stomach as my mind immediately attempted to push me into a memory that it associated with this. I fought it violently, my heart starting to feel the first effects of that slow ache. I turned around and eyed the twins. They looked perfectly okay.
I breathed deeply. "I've got to go, Alana. I'll tell Jake to call you. Bye."
I ended the call and rested my head against the steering wheel for a moment. I focused on my stomach and my heart and worked to fight back the overwhelming despair that was attempting to take control.
"Tell me about your princess movie." I whispered to the twins. The car's engine was the only noise I could hear and it wasn't very distracting.
Adeline immediately burst into an animated story about her princess movie and I focused on her beautiful little voice until the sad flame stopped licking angrily at my heart and settled back down to a quiet simmer. I smiled a little. I had this under control.
I paid immense concentration to the road the rest of the drive. When I pulled up to Lana and Joe's modest green house, it was nine thirty. I left the car running while I ran the girls up to the front door. I rang the doorbell and Lana answered. She ushered her nieces in and then laughed at me.
I called after the twins. "HEY! BYE! I LOVE YOU!" I heard them repeat the sentiment from Abby's room.
"You might want to brush your hair." Lana suggested.
Hair! I knew I was forgetting something.
"And you forgot a tanktop." She pointed. I looked down in shock. Sure enough, the red tanktop wasn't under my blouse. I could have sworn I put that on this morning.
"Damn!" I leaned against the door frame in defeat. I was going to be late and nothing was going to stop it now. I had to run all the way home and get that damn tanktop that I SWEAR I put on this morning.
"Nice bra though!" She said cheerfully. "I don't guess my brother would mind it too much if you just went like that."
I laughed along with her, imaging Jake's expression. "He wouldn't, but the parents of the kids I'm teaching might mind a little bit. Do you have a red tank top I can borrow?"
She pushed her hair over her shoulder and I noticed she had really pretty hands. She walked away and returned a few moments later with a red camisole.
"You're a job-saver. Literally."
"Yeah right. He would not fire you for wearing that. But what's mine is yours, dear sister of mine. See you this afternoon!"
I ran out to my car and jumped back in, slamming the door shut. I put the car in reverse and backed out, speeding toward work.
But of course Malibu traffic wasn't going to permit that.
I made it a few blocks before the traffic became congested. When it came to a complete standstill, I put the car in park, pushed my seat back, and slid the camisole up my legs and over my hips and up under my white blouse. I unbuttoned the blouse and slid my arms out of it, sticking them in the straps of the camisole and then putting the blouse back on.
The traffic was still insane by the time I finished getting dressed. I put my foot on the brake and put the car back in drive. I dug through my purse and called Jake.
"Tardy." He greeted me.
I sighed. "I know, I'm sorry! Odette had a prima donna moment, and the twins really wanted a makeover, and your mother called, and—why am I explaining this to you?"
I could see the smug look on his face. "Because I'm your boss and you're late for work."
"Right, boss. Well, I'm on my way, but traffic is really backed up so I have no idea how late I'm going to be." I explained. I pulled the sun visor down and flipped open the mirror. My hair was atrocious. I dug through my purse until I found my hairbrush, and then I ran it through my hair until it looked presentable.
"What do I do about your classes until you get here?" He asked.
I smirked. "You can teach them too! I know you're secretly an amazing singer."
He freaked out. "No! No way! Jake Ryan doesn't sing! You better be here or you're gonna be in big trouble."
I couldn't keep from laughing. I leaned back in the driver's seat and changed the transmission back to park. "Oh, really? You must think you control me."
"Hey, don't doubt me! I might fire you, you never know!" He exclaimed defensively.
"No you won't." I said confidently.
I could hear the smile. "And how do you know that?"
"Three reasons: One, you love me too much. Two, you like attempting to boss me around. And three, if you fire me we don't get to have lunchtime sex."
He was quiet on the other end.
"Yeah, you're right. I'm not gonna fire you." He said. We laughed and I suddenly got a feeling that something wasn't right. I turned the oven off, Moose was fed, I took my birth control pill, I didn't eat breakfast but I had a granola bar in classroom…what did I forget? What was wrong?
The traffic picked up to a crawl and I realized what was wrong the minute I passed the building.
"Jake, do you think it'd be okay if I came in at eleven?" I asked.
He sensed the change in my voice immediately.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"I think something is going on with Cole." I said, eyeing the store where his car was parked out front.
"Why do you say that?" He asked.
"I have a weird feeling. I want to go check on him. Is that okay? If not I'll—"
He cut me off. "No, it's okay. I was just kidding. I can watch them until you get here. But I'm not singing." His voice took on the familiar joking tone near the end of his sentence.
"Okay, thanks, baby. I'll be there soon."
I ended the call and began the daunting task of finding a place to park. I ended up parking a block down at a fancy looking salon.
When I entered the shop, I understood immediately why I was there.
Cole was sitting in a chair and that Michael kid was standing in front of him. They were whispering and I watched Michael quickly exchange something with Cole, but I didn't see what it was.
No. It wasn't drugs. I just thought that because I recently found out about that. It could be a million other things.
But why were they being so secretive?
I hid behind a shelf as that Michael kid walked out. He creeped me out. Once he was gone, Cole got up and went into a back room. Where was he going?
I walked up to the counter. There was a young man behind it. He was playing some really vulgar video game and cussing under his breath every few minutes. I cleared my throat.
He quickly paused his game. His name tag said Stephen. I was confused, because that was the owner of this place. What young kid owns a pawn shop?
"Your son would be...well, actually, I don't know where he is." Stephen peered around the shop. "He was just here a minute ago…"
"It's fine, I'll wait."
He shrugged and went back to his video game. I went back to browsing the shelves. There were many interesting things. I walked up to the long glass counters full of jewelry and traced my hand along the silver strip, staring at the sparkling contents.
I almost fell over when my eyes caught something. My stomach fell to my toes and I swayed.
"Stephen." I called. He put his controller down and walked over.
"Yes?" He asked.
I pointed at the necklace.
"Who gave that to you?" I breathed, incredulity coloring my every word.
He peered closely at it. We stared in silence at the tiny flowers the diamonds made and the three diamonds that separated each flower.
"I can't say I remember. I'm sorry. Are you interested in it? The clasp is broken. You'd have to replace it." He said.
"I am interested." I muttered. I thought about that day, after Jake and I found out I was pregnant with Joy, he pulled this out and gave it to me. I wore it for years and years after that, until that bastard. And now, it was here, in the little jewelry/pawn shop Cole sold his paintings in.
"Well, because the clasp is broken, some money was taken off. I wasn't even really sure how much this thing was worth but I'm putting it at two hundred." He said.
"That's fine. I want it." I replied immediately. He could have said it was a million dollars and I would have bought it back.
I purchased my necklace back. He put it in a black box and I opened it. It needed to be cleaned, and the clasp was broken, but other than that you couldn't even begin to tell what kind of history it had. I closed the lid back and put the box in my purse, feeling like I'd just found a missing part of myself.
Cole came out of the bathroom at that moment. I eyed him, trying to notice any changes in him. He just looked worn out.
He narrowed his eyes suspiciously when he saw me. He walked over to me and I hugged him tightly.
"Hi, Cole." I smiled at him. He smiled back, but it was kind of forced.
"Hi, Mom. What are you doing here?" He asked. He had dark circles under his eyes and his skin seemed paler than usual.
"I just came to visit. We didn't really get to talk yesterday." He started walking back to his easel and chair. I leaned against the counter beside the chair.
"Yeah, that stupid whore was getting in the way." He yawned.
"Having trouble getting used to California time?" I asked. He nodded and set his forehead against the easel. He was wearing a gray polo Alana bought him and it was wrinkled as if he'd slept in it.
Something just wasn't right with him.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"I'm just tired." He mumbled.
"Yeah right. What's wrong?" I pushed.
He didn't move for a few seconds.
"What would you do if I did something bad?" He asked quietly.
I froze for a moment. Not drugs. Please.
"I would love you all the same." I said at once.
He moved his forehead down from the easel and rested it against the canvas that was covered with an old sheet.
"What if I did something really bad?" He whispered.
I set a hand on his shoulder. "My answer stays the same."
He didn't respond this time. I stood there for three minutes, waiting. But he didn't talk, he didn't move, he just sat there.
I kneeled down beside him.
"Cole. Holding things in doesn't help anything. It doesn't solve anything. You are not alone." I lied.
He mumbled something.
"What?" I asked.
"What if I cheated on Emily?" He asked, louder this time.
I was very taken aback by that. Had he cheated on her? That was the last thing I expected from him.
"Then you made a mistake. People make those all the time." I assured him. He stopped talking again. "Did you make a mistake, Cole?" I asked gently.
He lifted his head finally. He just looked tired.
"No. But I think I'm going to."
He sat all the way up, and his foot hit the sheet and it fell off the canvas. I stared in confusion. It looked like he'd painted an entire painting, and had then taken a big paintbrush and painted over the entire thing with black. A small stripe was left on the right side of it. I could see what looked like a bit of ocean, some sand, a beautifully eerie puddle in the sand, and a woman's hand, holding tight to what appeared to be a glass ball.
"Talk to me, Cole." I begged.
He stared at that hand and then shook his head.
"I'm fine. I'm good. Sorry. I just need to sleep. I'm out of it. I love you, Mom. Thanks for coming down here. Have fun at work." He stood back up and disappeared into that back room again. I stood there for another minute, hoping he'd come back out and tell me what was going on, but I knew he wasn't going to. I finally left.
"Our lesson for today is timeliness! I don't know what that has to do with singing, but that's the word for today. Being on time is very important, wouldn't you say, Mrs. Ryan?"
I halted. I was hoping I could sneak into my office without the kids seeing how late I was, but of course Jake was thinking we should make a life lesson out of this. I turned around slowly and offered the students a smile. I glared at Jake.
"Of course. Being on time is very important indeed." I agreed.
Was he wearing that shirt this morning? It looked really good on him. Really, really good.
"Staring is also not polite, right, guys?" Jake was about to pee himself he was getting so much humor out of this.
"Then I guess you should control yourself around me, Mr. Ryan." I smirked.
The lunch bell rang. Jake gave me a look that clearly said: I'll deal with you in a minute.
He escorted the class to lunch. I walked into his office and sat on the couch while I waited for him to return. I stood up and walked to his desk, eyeing the scripts that littered the surface.
He entered the room and promptly locked the door after him. I turned around and walked up to him and kissed him slowly. When I pulled back, he smiled at me and pulled me into his arms.
"What did you find out?" He asked. I opened my mouth to tell him all about the necklace, and Cole, and perhaps even the almost-car-wreck this morning and why it had bothered me so much, but I found that I didn't want to. I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about it. I'd been thinking so much all morning and I just didn't want to think about anything right now.
"Let's not talk about that." I suggested. I grabbed his tie and pulled his lips back toward mine. Something in this kiss fueled the fire. I let him press me against the wall and I pulled him as close as he could get, making out with him and pulling at the buttons on his shirt simultaneously.
He broke the kiss, his face flushed and his breathing uneven. "Fuck!"
"Fuck is right." I forced out as I struggled for oxygen.
I moved one of his legs in between mine and he pressed himself against me again, joining our lips together and sticking his hands up whatever he could reach. My head was blissfully empty and I didn't worry about anything except where in this office he was going to make love to me.
I couldn't get the fucking buttons undone on his shirt, and it was pissing me off. I broke the kiss so I could focus on the buttons but my head was throbbing so much I couldn't really focus. I was about the rip the damn thing open when he took over and unbuttoned the last buttons. I pushed it off him and moved back into his arms. He abandoned my lips and he kissed down my neck in a way that was irresistible. He suddenly pressed the knee of the leg that was between my legs against the wall. He looped an arm around my and slid me up his leg and into his arms, so my legs were wrapped around his waist and he was holding me. I kicked my shoes off and I vaguely heard the loud sound they made as they fell to the floor. He continued kissing down my neck and it was my turn.
"Holy shit," I gasped.
He paused in kissing to make his customary cocky statement. "There's way more where that came from."
He pulled my blouse and tanktop off me and continued kissing down my body and I couldn't take it anymore. I grasped his face and made him look at me.
"Put me down." I ordered.
He set me down and I grabbed his belt loops, pulling him with me. I shoved the scripts off his desk and sat on the edge of it and I gave him a very clear look. I lay back on the surface and he crawled over me, his lips finding skin again (it was like they were magnetized) and I couldn't remember my own name. His hands seemed to cover every inch of my body and it was like my entire body was a coil, ready to spring at any moment. He was getting annoyed with my clothes and he pulled my pencil skirt up to my waist, wadding it there so it was out of the way. He traced gently up my thigh with the backs of his fingernails and it seemed like I had to be on drugs because surely nothing can feel that good.
"Oh God!" I yelped. Jake quickly set a hand over my mouth, laughing.
"I have to warn you, Mrs. Ryan," he whispered against my skin, "actors are known for their mind-blowing talent in bed. And you have got to keep it down. I know it'll be hard." He winked. Okay, so he had a dirty mouth problem, and I had a volume problem. We all have our quirks.
I pulled his lips back to mine and I kissed him until every part of my mouth was tired. I pulled back and smirked at him.
"You know what they say about popstars, right?"
He yanked at my pencil skirt.
"I can't say I remember but I pray to God I'm about to find out." He peered closely at the skirt, attempting to find a zipper.
"I'll give you a hint…in Germany, "popstar" is slang for "pornstar"." I whispered.
He stopped pulling at the skirt.
"Can I just please just rip this to shreds? If you let me I swear you'll never have to buy me another Christmas present as long as I live."
Empty head.
Full heart.
It should always be this way.
Jake and I were lying together on the floor of his office. In retrospect, the desk was a bad idea. My body hurt from the hardness of the surface and desks are covered in things that fall to the ground. So yes, very bad idea.
"I'm glad I married a popstar." Jake said. I looked up at him and he smiled, his eyes lighting up magnificently.
I moved my head from his arm to his chest.
"I'm glad I married an actor." I smiled back at him.
His hands moved to my hair and he stroked his fingers through it. At first it was soothing, but then I felt a sharp pain that made me flinch and sit up.
"Ow!" I exclaimed, more in shock than in pain.
Jake look concerned. "What is it?" He asked.
I gently touched my head and right above my forehead I felt a giant knot forming. I glanced at the desk and I added another reason it was a bad idea.
He propped himself up with his elbows and peered at where my fingers were.
"Holy shit! Where'd you get that?" He asked in alarm.
I couldn't stop from laughing. I dropped my hands from the knot and lay back down in his arms.
"My head was knocking against the computer monitor." I explained.
"What?? Why didn't you say something?" He looked at me in horror and then looked back at the knot. He gently pushed my hair out of the way and peered at it with an anguished expression.
"I didn't actually feel it. I mean I could hear the sound my head was making when it hit the monitor…but I didn't feel any pain." I explained. But it sure hurt now.
He stared. "Your head was slamming repeatedly into the corner of a computer monitor for like ten minutes and you didn't feel any pain?" I shook my head. A slow, confident smile spread over his face. "Hell yeah! I'm so amazing I put you on sensory overload and your body couldn't even process pain as pain! It probably took that pain as pleasure! I knew I should have been a pornstar."
His cocky grin faded after a minute. He gently kissed my head. "But I'm really sorry you're hurt."
I shrugged. "No pain, no gain, right? I'm just trying to figure out how to hide this one from your mother. She seems to always notice when I'm hurt. And I don't think she bought the stair sledding last time."
Last week we tried making love on the floor…and let's just say the carpet burn wasn't too kind. And let's also say Alana noticed said carpet burn on me, and I lied and told her I was sliding down stairs with carpet on them.
"Just say you hit your head on your car door. She'll probably believe that one." He laughed.
I sat up and leaned against the wall. Jake sat up beside me.
"Not that these forbidden office love making sessions aren't good, because they are, but I miss actually having sex in our bed. On a mattress. With soft sheets. And all that good jazz." I said.
"You and me both! After the movie things will start settling down."
I laughed. "I hope they're not going to settle down. I'm not done with you yet. Give me a few more years." I winked and he laughed.
"Good one. But I meant our lives, not my pride and glory."
I laughed again and leaned against him.
"I love you." I reminded him.
He carefully stroked my hair back, avoiding the knot.
"I love you too."
I sighed and let my eyes close. "I don't want to start thinking again."
"Hey, if you want to…" He trailed off jokingly, pointing back up at the desk.
I knocked his shoulder with mine and sighed.
"When I was leaving the house, I almost ran into a car, and it reminded me of that morning when I was leaving for work and I almost lost it like I did all those years ago but I kept it under control. At that shop Cole works at I found the necklace you got me when we found out I was pregnant with Joy. The one Luke stole. I saw Michael hand Cole something and it looked like it was drugs. I talked to Cole and he said he thinks he's going to cheat on Emily." I rushed everything out at once, and once I told them to him, I felt better.
He gaped at me.
"What?!"
I pressed my face into his arm. "I am not repeating all that."
"…and to think the most interesting thing that happened in my day was this." He muttered. He pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms completely around me. "You are fine, Mile. I promise. You have got this under control. You won't get depressed like you were before. And as for the necklace…that's great. At least, I think it's great. You're getting everything he stole from you back, little by little. And if Cole's taking drugs I'm gonna kick his ass! We'll have to keep an eye on him. And the thing about cheating on Emily: What?!"
I allowed myself to rest for the first time since 4 AM this morning. I breathed in the scent of his skin and felt so peaceful that I could have been dead.
"I think it has something to do with that Caitlyn girl." I admitted. The hands of the girl in that painting had red nails, and Caitlyn did yesterday. I noticed because it looked rather trampy on her. But what did her holding the glass ball mean? Was that maybe the world? Maybe it symbolized an empty world?
"If he leaves Emily for that trashy no-good whore, I'm going to have to seriously wonder about his sanity! He loves Emily. Why would he do that?" Jake asked.
"You know, it didn't sound like he thought he had much of a choice."
In a way, it reminded me of that time—time! Oh shit!
I jerked up and reached across the floor for Jake's pants. I grabbed them and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. I checked the time.
I turned to look at Jake.
"Who fires the boss if the boss is late?"