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Chapter 11.
"Okay, fine." Kate sighed loudly, turning away from the convertible crib she'd been staring at for the past ten minutes. She wished she could say she was considering buying it, but in reality, she was just too distracted to move. "Go ahead. Tell me."
"Tell you what?" Jack asked, coming up beside her with a smug expression that made her want to shake him.
"What you saw on the sonogram." Before he could protest, she continued, "Don't pretend it's not killing you to have to keep it to yourself." She knew that it must be, because the suspense was killing her too.
She levelled him with a warning glare when the corners of his lips began to twitch as though he were trying not to laugh at her. Like she was some crazy hormonal pregnant woman. "I don't know what you're talking about, Kate," he argued looking wary. "I haven't said a word about it since the hospital."
"You didn't have to! It's written all over your face!" she told him accusingly. Despite being almost unbeatable at poker, he really did have the worst poker face that she had ever seen. He hadn't stopped smiling since they left the exam room, although truthfully, she wasn't sure if that meant the baby was a boy or a girl. At this point, it could be either.
"I'm just trying to respect your wishes," he said innocently, picking up a little pair of green booties in the shape of gym boots, and she quickly averted her gaze.
The whole time they'd been browsing side by side, she hadn't been able to look at him for fear that his actions would give something away. If he lingered too long on a particular colour, or style, then she wouldn't be able to stop herself from figuring it out. She didn't know how long she would be able to live like this. "Well, you're driving me crazy, so spit it out." It was that or avoid him for the rest of her pregnancy.
His brow furrowed, his expression growing serious. "Are you sure you really wanna know?" he asked, obviously concerned about ruining the surprise for her.
"There is no way we're gonna make it through the next five or six months without you telling me, so come on, what're we shopping for—" She snatched two onesies off of the nearest rack, waving them in his direction "—pink or blue?"
Wordlessly, he pushed the hand holding the pink one down to her side so that she was left with just the blue. "It's a boy?" she checked, to make sure she was reading him right.
He confirmed it with a nod, a slow grin spreading over his face as he waited for her to digest this.
"A boy." That was what she'd been praying for. A little piece of the man she'd loved, with the same handsome dark features and beautiful brown eyes. "We're having a baby boy!" She launched herself at him in a joyful hug, and to her surprise, he wrapped his arms around her in response, burying his face in her curls.
He might not be the Jack she remembered, but he still smelt the same, she noted, inhaling the feint musk of aftershave and sweat that clung to his skin. It was one of her favourite scents in the world, after Aaron's baby shampoo: one that, until recently, she hadn't believed she would ever smell again. She drew herself a little closer, testing the boundaries by pressing her head to the centre of his chest, where she could just hear the steady thrum that assured her he was really alive.
She wanted to stay like that forever, but she wasn't sure how he would feel about that, so after a moment, she took a decisive step back, masking her awkwardness by focusing on her rounded belly instead. "I knew it," she whispered, caressing her son through the soft fabric of her shirt, even though she wasn't sure that he could feel it. "I knew you were a boy."
"Is there any particular reason you wanted a boy so badly?" Jack asked when she straightened, scrutinizing her with a look that was so familiar and yet so foreign to her now. It was one she'd seen often in the early days of their relationship when he was intent on figuring out the mysteries of her heart, but somewhere along the line he'd stopped trying to get to know her.
Until now.
"It's gonna sound stupid now," she insisted.
"I'm not judging you, Kate," he assured her, refusing to look away, even when she did. "I just wanna know."
Once again, she was amazed by how much the same and yet how different he was. She'd never known him to be this calm, this patient. "I thought if he were a boy, he'd be more like you," she explained in a voice so soft part of her hoped he wouldn't hear it. She hated how vulnerable she was around him: he knew that she loved him, while he was yet to give her a single clue as to his real feelings. "But you're here now, so I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Boy or not, I'm just glad that he's healthy."
He smiled, the warm smile that always made her melt a little inside. "Me too." Seeming to sense her discomfit, he changed the subject. "So now that you know we're having a boy, will you start buying things? Or were you planning to use Aaron's old stuff?"
"I gave most of it away to the other mothers at the park. I never thought I'd have a son of my own," she confessed, reluctant to tell him that that was after he'd broken her heart the first time by cutting all ties with her and Aaron.
"We were together for almost a year," he reminded her, as if that were something that she could ever forget. "Didn't we ever talk about starting a family?"
"You ever think about having kids?" Jack asked, peeling back the comforter and climbing into bed.
Kate put down the book she was reading while she waited for him to finish lulling Aaron to sleep with the latest chapter of Alice's adventures in Wonderland. "I have a kid," she reminded him, tensing as she wondered if, what until then had been a perfect evening, was going to end in a fight.
"You know what I mean," he insisted, sliding his arms around her from behind, his chin resting in the crook of her neck, and she felt herself begin to relax. "Aaron was already three months old by the time you took him in. Don't you ever wonder what it would be like to be there from the beginning?"
As much as it shamed her to admit it, she found herself entertaining these thoughts more and more in the days since Jack moved in. Before, having a child of her own had never seemed like a real possibility, but now that she was free, with a stable home and the love of a good man who she knew would make an even better father than he was partner she could feel that old longing fighting its way back to the surface. "D'you think it makes me a bad mother if I say 'yes'?" she asked, turning her head slightly to look at him.
"No," he assured her, his voice muffled by the collar of the maroon dress shirt she'd pulled on instead of her pyjamas, knowing that he was only going to take it back off of her when he came in. "It doesn't."
"I love him like he was my own, but there're so many things that I missed out on, things that other women take for granted. I was there when he was born, but it's not the same as actually giving birth…" Ever since that night, she'd been trying to imagine what it would be like to feel the overwhelming rush of emotion she'd witnessed in Claire as she embraced her son for the first time. "It'd be nice to have at least one baby that was really mine, one that I carried." It was, after all, what she was built for.
For the first time, she realised that she was the one doing most of the talking. She still didn't know what had prompted him to ask the question: had spending time with Aaron made him as broody as it did her at times, or was he just filing her answers away for future reference? "What about you? D'you think you'd ever want that? A baby?" she asked, shaking him off her gently, unable to keep the hope from her voice. There was a part of her that couldn't believe they were actually having this conversation; that it might lead to a living, breathing child.
He was silent as he considered this. "Some day, if I'm ever lucky enough, then yeah. I would," he agreed seriously. His smile was teasing as he added, "I just have to find the right woman."
"Oh, the right woman, huh?" she repeated, returning his smirk. "So you're good enough to come into my home and raise my child, but I'm not good enough to have yours?" She felt a thrill of excitement on hearing the words said out loud. His child. Their child. As wonderful as first time parenthood had been for her, she'd always regretted not having someone to share it with, someone who would love and support her through all of the sleepless nights and help her celebrate each of the milestones.
A tiny smile played at the corners of his lips and she could see that this affected him too. He cupped her jaw lightly in the palm of his hand, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "I can't think of anyone I would rather have my children," he told her, moving in to kiss her, and even though they weren't ready yet, as far as she was concerned, that day couldn't come fast enough.
"What about after we got engaged?"
Between you getting drunk and stoned? she wanted to ask him, but instead, all she said was, "Things were already kind of strained between us by then."
She needed to get him off the subject. "What d'you think of these?" she asked, holding up a pair of corduroy overalls. Aaron had something similar in blue, but even without seeing him, she knew that brown would suit their son better. He was definitely going to be a brunette.
Jack didn't even look to see what she was showing him. "Why don't you ever wanna talk about what happened? About why we broke up?" he insisted, following her to the next rack. He wasn't angry, just frustrated.
She continued to pick through the row of tiny coat hangers to avoid making eye contact with him. "Because we both said and did a lot of things I'd rather forget," she told him finally. "You're lucky you don't remember." Not for the first time, she wondered if this had happened because he wished for it. He wanted to forget her, and now he had.
"Trust me, you don't wanna forget," he insisted, the regret in his tone causing her to glance over at him for the first time since he began the conversation. "I'd give anything to remember even one day of our life together. It sounds like it was pretty amazing."
"It was," she agreed softly. "It really was."
His hand fell lightly on the small of her back. "Are you hungry?" When she nodded, he said, "C'mon, let's go get some lunch. My treat."
"You never give up, do you?" she complained when he pried the overalls from her hand, apparently determined to pay for those too.
He flashed her his trademark self-deprecating grin as he led the way to the registers. "Obsessive, remember? Your words, not mine."
Despite her annoyance, she couldn't help but grin back. "How could I forget?"
"I can't believe it's almost Christmas again already," she remarked, eyeing the decorations that lined the concourse once they were outside the store.
"Have you made any plans yet?" he asked.
"I'm sure Claire will want to do something for Aaron." A pang of sadness overcame her at the thought that a year ago, it had been her shopping for toys, playing Santa. Her and Jack. At least she had that to look forward to next year. "What about you?"
He shrugged. "I'll probably spend it with my mom."
"Well you're welcome to come over," she offered. "Both of you. The more the merrier, right?"
"Right," he agreed. "I'll talk to Mom, see what she wants to do."
"Great." She felt her heart lift at the prospect of their first Christmas together as a soon-to-be family.
"So, what're you in the mood for?" he asked when they reached the food court. "Or should I say, what is the little guy in the mood for?"
"Oh, God." She covered her face, embarrassed. "When I first found out I was pregnant, it was French fries. Then it was red bean burritos. Right now, it's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream." She rubbed her belly affectionately. "This kid is gonna be a little butterball."
"But a cute one," he insisted.
"The cutest," she agreed and they shared a smile.
He was the first one to break it. "Well I wouldn't be a very good father if I let him eat ice cream for lunch, but how does Mexican sound? I saw a restaurant about a block from here. Then maybe we can stop for ice cream on the way home..."
I realised the other day that it's November in my story so I thought it would be fun to incorporate Christmas. I'm also thinking about writing a Christmas one shot (or mini fic) some time over the next few weeks so let me know if you have a particular request you would like granted and I'll do my best.
Next chapter: Jack and Kate bond over a milestone in Kate's pregnancy... ;)