***(I just wanted to say that I know that this is not how ME3 ended. This is simply my rendition of what happened. I always wanted to apologize for how long this has taken to upload. Student life and all. So you get a decently long chapter! =) The next shouldn't be too terribly far off. Thanks for reading still!)****

"Spencer! Spence, wake up!"

It had been a long time since she had had the nightmares, but it was still an all-too-familiar scene. She was screaming again, tears streaming down her face. Kaidan didn't know exactly what she was seeing, and he couldn't protect her from it, but damnit he would not let her stay a moment longer wherever she was now.

Spencer snapped awake. Her heart was aching. Her lungs felt tight. She could feel the tears drying on her cheeks. She looked down and could see her hands were shaking. Was it her whole body that was shaking? She couldn't tell anymore. She gripped onto Kaidan tightly. His arms enveloped her quickly, wrapping his hands into her hair as she nuzzled into the crook of his neck.

He wanted nothing more than to ask her what was wrong. Kaidan had a pang in his heart every single time he saw Spencer cry. It wasn't something he saw often, but each time he did, he felt his world shattering. Kaidan restrained himself though. He knew he had to wait.

Spencer wanted nothing more than to sit in silence. She just wanted to curl up in his arms and try to go back to sleep. She knew, however, that she couldn't keep pretending that everything was fine. She couldn't keep this from Kaidan anymore. She had to tell him.

"Kaidan?"

Her small voice pierced through the silence, startling Kaidan.

"I'm here."

Spencer sighed. She didn't really know what she was so afraid of. She was partly afraid to admit out loud that it was her fault Anderson was gone. She was partly afraid of how he would react. Mostly she was afraid that once she said it out loud, then it would be real. Anderson would truly be gone. Which was silly, she knew he was gone. She had carried his casket. She had dropped the first handful of soil onto the casket as it was lowered into the earth. Nothing was more real than that.

She pulled back from Kaidan's arms, and he looked at her with concern. Spencer clutched onto the dog tags around her neck, shut her eyes tight, and finally let it all out.

Her voice is so full of false bravado that it cracks under the strain.

The feeling of The Illusive Man being in her head is something that she'd never forget. It was hard to put it into words, but the best she could come up with was it was a searing sensation. It burned. It hasn't stopped burning.

It took no effort at all for The Illusive Man to make her raise her gun against Anderson. He didn't even grimace under the strain as he grinned sickly at her. That smile was enough to strengthen her resolve. A smile like that could not be permitted to control something as powerful as the Reapers. Spencer hated to admit it, but it took every ounce of strength she had to fight against his control. Her hand was wavering, and her brain was barely withstanding the strain. If she could hold on, if she could prevent him from controlling her, then she could stop this. It all started with Anderson, and she was going to make it stop there too.

Except she couldn't. She fought as hard as she could. God she fought. Her eyes were watering, her knees buckled, the gun in her hand felt so heavy. She knew The Illusive Man was speaking to her. She knew she was responding. But she didn't hear a word. She had to keep fighting, she couldn't shoot Anderson, but she wasn't strong enough. Spencer Shepard was not strong enough.

She remembered the feeling as her finger squeezed the trigger. Her heart sank as she fell to her knees. How could she have pulled that trigger? Spencer could still hear this scene play out some nights. She could hear the sound of the gunshot. She could hear the sound of the gun hitting the floor next to her. She could hear the gasp from Anderson as the round struck him in his chest. She could hear The Illusive Man's laughter. His twisted laughter as she succumbed to his will.

That was the moment she regained her resolve. Spencer's anger boiled over. She lunged at The Illusive Man. He was caught off guard, he wasn't expecting her to come at him, let alone to have any spirit left in her. Spencer came in low, knocking The Illusive Man off of his feet. It wasn't a fair fight, and she didn't care. She was on top of him, blinded by tears and rage, throwing punches down onto the now frail man. It was there, The Illusive Man met his undignified end. There was no big epic battle here. Just an end. She spent more time than she wanted to admit sitting there, pummeling a dead man. She probably would have gone on until someone found them there, but her cathartic moment was cut short by the sound of another voice booming through the room. It was Joker, begging for a reply. Spencer may have lost her battle, but the war was still waging on outside. She had to do her part. And she did.

She dragged herself over, completely drained. Spencer lowered the defenses. Joker didn't push Shepard on why she sounded so far away. It wasn't the time. It was time to take these bastards down. Spencer slumped against the console. She couldn't do anything more. It was over for her. Her battle was done. It was on her team now. Her team. Her family. As she sat there, alone, they were all she could think of. She could still hear Garrus promising to see her at the bar. She could still feel Tali's last hug as she left. She could still see Kaidan's face as she ran across the battle field to make it onto the Citadel. Spencer didn't know if anyone else would survive. She didn't know if everyone else was already lost. Her gaze cast over to where Anderson was slumped on the ground. Her head slumped down to her chest. Her silence was again broken, this time by the sound of Reapers falling. She almost smiled, she now knew that her team was going to win. There was no doubt in her mind. The moment of victory was cut short though. The building, already structurally compromised, was ready to come down.

"Shepard," a small voice croaked from within the room.

Anderson was alive. She was overjoyed to see him start to sit up. She should have known that David Anderson would not be taken down by a single bullet. She should have been smart enough to have checked his pulse. In the heat of the moment she told herself that it was a perfect shot she had taken. He had been down for a long time. In the heat of the moment she didn't question herself. For the months that followed, she would never forgive herself for not checking on him. She pulled herself up from her slumped position on the ground.

If she had been faster, she could have gotten to him in time. A dark shadow overtook Anderson's figure. Reaper debris was falling from the sky, and this piece was coming straight down onto the tower. Spencer's eyes widened. She launched herself as fast as she could across the room. She used every bit of strength left to try to catch the piece with her biotics. To grab Anderson with them. To do anything. She should have been faster. If she had run faster she might have been able to grab Anderson before the Reaper crashed down on top of him. Spencer watched in utter defeat as Anderson's frail form disappeared underneath the Reaper. It all happened so fast. That hit was all the building needed. The rest of the tower collapsed. She kept trying to get to Anderson. That's all she could do, was get to him. Even after she hit the ground below the tower in a crumpled mess, all she wanted to do was get to Anderson. She crawled towards him, debris falling around them.

It didn't take long, once she finally reached him, to realize that she couldn't take him with her. He was gone, and she was so weak…She couldn't move him. Spencer grabbed onto his dog tags, her face contorting into anguish as tears spilled down her cheeks. These were not staying on the battlefield. Even if he was lost to her, the tags were not being left behind. Spencer wanted to stay here. Stay with him. She didn't want him to be alone, but the debris was still falling, and she knew that he would never allow her to stay here. She had to go. For Anderson. For the Normandy. For Kaidan. She had to move.

She ripped the dog tags off of Anderson's neck, placed her hand over his eyes to close them, and stood up. Spencer Shepard saluted her friend once more. A chunk of debris fell close to her, and she knew it was time to go. Her broken body moved slowly though, the chain hanging through her fingers. She didn't make it far though. The debris falling to the ground from the Reapers and the tower was too much, and it didn't take long for Spencer to trip over the pieces on the ground. Once she hit the ground it was over. Pieces kept falling. She was buried. It was over. In the end, despite all her experience, despite all her training, despite everything…Spencer Shepard wasn't enough.

Spencer keeps her head down as she finishes her story. It wasn't a moment of relief to get is out in the open. She didn't know how she felt, but it wasn't what she was hoping for. The silence in the room was heavy enough that she could feel the weight on her shoulders.

Kaidan stayed quiet. There was nothing he could say. What was he supposed to say? Was he supposed to tell her that it wasn't her fault? That she did everything she could? That Anderson wouldn't want her to beat herself up any more than she had already. Nothing could ever be enough. She wouldn't hear the words.

He reached out and grabbed her hand. Spencer flinched under the contact. His heart sank seeing how much weight was on her. They sat this way until Spencer moved back into his arms. Spencer slipped into sleep eventually, and it was probably the heaviest sleep she had had since the battle. Kaidan couldn't sleep, however. He could not have been more awake. He sat there, Spencer curled up in his arms, for the rest of the night.