Thank you to anyone who has read this - and reviewed it :-) I am not sure about this part and bits I feel are rather crap but hopefully it's ok :)
In sleep, her body shifts, edging closer to his. She'd fallen asleep fifteen minutes previously; and he'd felt every single one of those minutes tick passed as he tried desperately not to focus on her still naked body. He's considered moving. He could slip away now and she probably wouldn't notice. It wouldn't be the first time he's done it. He doubts he can even count the number of women he's bedded and then left before they'd awoken but those days were in a different lifetime – and none of those women had been quite like the one that lies beside him.
Besides, he isn't planning to leave her completely. All he'll do is slip from her bedroom in to the living room. He'll settle himself down on her sofa, probably find something to watch though at this hour there will be little on. He is near certain he wouldn't be able to fall asleep.
He's finally gotten to the point where he thinks they can manage a platonic relationship. It's becoming easier to ignore the ache in his chest, and the tingle that runs through him when he sees her appear. He's no longer set quite so on edge by the things that she does. But its taken time to get here. There are days when he wants nothing more than to drag her in to the supply cupboard and there are days when he cannot be around her because he just wants to give up. The days come without warning, and usually warrant a bit of teasing from Mo. Though it's done with kindness, and she tries to understand how he's feeling – only that isn't so easy when he doesn't entirely understand it himself.
She shifts again, her skin now touching his though still she does not awaken. He could turn his head and he'd be able to take her in but he daren't look. He could pretend to be asleep, and allow an arm to drape across her body in order to feel her bump – and their baby – beneath his hand. He could allow himself to hold her properly for the first time in months. But he can't let himself do that.
Because while he's gotten to this point, he's not sure how it's going to work. He'd like to think that in the future, he'll find a woman with whom he'll share his life. Perhaps together they will have another child – a half brother or sister for his daughter. But try as he might he cannot picture this woman in his head. He's tried before but the woman dressed in white stood next to him is featureless. Only now she flits in to his head once more and that blank slate starts to morph in a way he wishes it wouldn't. Beneath a white veil, red hair glistens and features build until there is no doubt that it is her.
He tries to force it away. He cannot allow himself to consider that future, the one which he had once dreamed of. Only now it builds further in his mind, standing near to the pair of them is a small child with curled auburn hair. She grins, and giggles as the version of himself leans forward slightly to place a kiss on his new wife's face.
He tries to force his mind on to other things, but he cannot shake the image of the pair of them. If he could get away now, maybe he could save himself. But he knows it's altogether too late. The pain of getting to this point has taken it's toll on him and now he doesn't have the luxury of time. Their baby will be here before he knows it, and he doesn't want to miss anything of her life.
Only he's going too. His little girl will grow up in a home where he doesn't live. He won't be there with her every day, he won't be there to rock her when she's colicky, or to cradle her because she's awoken from a nightmare. He won't be there to sit with her on the nights when she feels poorly or even to kiss her forehead each night before she drifts of to sleep. He'll miss so many little moments of her life.
But he is thankful that he'll have her at all. He knows that she could push him out, that she could limit him further. For now she seems to be on board with the co-parenting, and he'll have involvement in his daughter's life. But it'll never be exactly what he wants.
But he cannot have what he wants. That isn't an option. Having what he wants is too much of a risk, and if it fails he loses everything. So he has to accept his lot, and be grateful for managing to get this far. He's worked hard to get this far, and it had felt ok; not quite good, but it wasn't a bad feeling. The pain less acute. Only now it is back with a vengeance.
"Jonny," he hears his name, and startles a little. He turns his head, to find her looking up at him. There's a small, slightly shy smile on her lips as she looks at him. Her eyes still show signs of slumber she has just awoken from. He swallows hard, seeing her makes the ache in his chest worse.
"I .." he starts to speak, but his tongue seems fuzzy in his mouth. The words not as forthcoming as he had hoped they would be. He wants to tell her that he has to go, his job now done until she sends him a message telling him that she's in labour. Only he doesn't want to leave her, not today, not ever. But he doesn't want to accept or admit that fact.
"Jonny?" this time his name comes in a question, and he doesn't entirely know what to do. She'd had something to say but now she is giving him the chance to speak first only he cannot say anything. He cannot tell her the truth, it's easier to let her believe what she does. It's easier that she thinks he cares for her, as a friend and the mother of his child because that's all he is to her. Perhaps to her, he is less than that.
"You go first" he speaks softly, and he sees the way her eyes dance a little, the way she pulls in her lower lip slightly. He know she is trying to find a way of saying what she has too. He needs her to do this quickly, he needs this to be over.
"There's something," she swallows hard, rolling her body so that her belly rests against his side. He cannot avoid looking at her now, the whole of her. He wants to look away, but doing so would confirm her belief that her body is no longer attractive, that her extended girth has made it so he cannot bare to look at her. That couldn't be further from the truth, "I didn't quite tell you everything." She adds gently.
"Jac?" it worries him, that there is something she's held back from him. It hurts that she hasn't been up front with him, but it scares him that this may not be over yet.
"This .." she gestures the pair of them, "in order for it to work, there needs to be a build up of the prostaglandins" she tries to sound clinical but his brain is struggling to compute now. She wants them to repeat this.
"I don't understand .." he isn't sure how he can do this, "you want me to come back tomorrow?" he adds though he isn't sure he could do it; to leave her now and to try to fix the ache in his chest only to have to revisit tomorrow, knowing that the ache will return and that it will become much more impossible to cure. To know that once he has performed his duty and the baby has been born, he is no longer required. He is needed only for this.
"Not exactly," she speaks softly, "we need to do it again tonight, not just once more either," again she swallows hard, "and if that fails then yes we may need to do it again in a few days but hopefully it won't come to that" he can hear the edge to her voice, how she hopes that won't come to be. He wonders if it's the desperation to hold her baby or whether it comes from having to be with him again but in truth he isn't sure if he wants to know.
"Jac, I …" he starts to speak, but he's stopped by her mouth covering his before she pulls away.
"You ready to go again?" And despite everything, he nods.