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Disclaimer: I do not own Skip Beat or any of its characters.
Kyoko gripped the mug with tense fingers. The smell of hot cocoa permeated the room, wrapping around her like a warm blanket, but even its comforting goodness couldn't stop the trembling of her hands. Maria brought over three coasters and placed them upon the coffee table before taking her seat upon the floor next to Kyoko's legs, leaning against her knee. She looked up at her with an encouraging smile that Kyoko was unable to return except for a slight curve of her lips.
Kanae sat next to her, sipping on the warm beverage in a casual way, but her dark eyes never strayed from Kyoko's face. Kyoko had felt her impatience the minute she stepped through the door—heck, the minute she moved in with her, Kyoko saw the question burning in Kanae's eyes. Her desire to know was almost tangible, but Kyoko had never volunteered to explain. She just couldn't find the will to. Even though she knew she should say something, Kyoko didn't…until now.
"I'm sorry."
"For what, Onee-sama?" Maria asked with a tilt of her head.
She sighed sadly. "For taking so long."
"It doesn't matter. You're here now."
Smiling a little easier at the young girl's easy acceptance, Kyoko caressed her cheek once before raising her eyes to Kanae's.
The stoic actress had already put her steaming cup down onto the table and turned to face her. Clearing her throat, she asked, "I take it from the scene outside that it has something to do with him?"
Leave it to Kanae to jump straight to the point. But refusing to drag it out any longer, she nodded and said, "Somewhat. He certainly…affected my choice."
"Who is he, Onee-sama?"
"A very long story, Maria-chan. One I'll tell you some day, but for now, all you need to know is that he's someone I—" She breathed in deeply and clenched her teeth together. But finding her voice again, she finally murmured, "someone I loved."
Maria's eyes widened. "You loved him?"
Smiling wryly, Kyoko replied, "Not exactly the highlight of my life, but yes. I did." Then sighing what felt like a million years worth of sighs, she gently placed her mug down onto a coaster and clasped her hands tightly together. "Even though I was determined to move on, there was a part of me that found it hard to let go of him. I guess there really is a thin line between hate and love. But little by little, I was getting better at it by having a career of my own, following a dream I never knew I had, and meeting people I had never expected to care so deeply for."
"Does that include Tsuruga-san?"
Kyoko met Kanae's calculating gaze with a pounding heart. She could see the answer in her friend's eyes, but she understood the importance of giving a physical response. So with softened eyes, she simply nodded.
Maria gasped in surprise and rose to her knees. "Really?" she exclaimed. "REALLY?"
Kyoko couldn't help freezing up when she saw the bright look in her eyes. That was enough to have her running for cover. But thankfully, Kanae jumped to her rescue and said, "Considering how much time you two spent together, I assume that would be the logical route."
Kyoko laughed softly. Oddly enough, she felt a bit better knowing that falling in love with him was inevitable. Reassured that it was out of her control somehow didn't make her feel so weak, even though her hands wouldn't stop shaking.
"Does Ren-sama know?" Maria asked, her eyes sparkling with glee. "Have you told him yet?"
"No, I haven't told him, but I don't think I ever will."
"Why not?" she asked in a pitchy voice.
"Because I don't deserve him."
Maria turned to Kanae with shocked eyes, but the actress didn't return it. She was too busy looking at Kyoko's lowered head with an expression Maria couldn't read. It wasn't pity or sympathy, just…indifferent.
Feeling the silence set into her skin, Kyoko finally ran a hand through her hair and looked up. It felt as if she was staring at two ends of the spectrum of surprise. Maria couldn't have looked more shocked while Kanae didn't display much emotion at all. But Kyoko knew better. If her friend didn't care, then she never would have asked.
So with the words already on the tip of her tongue, Kyoko took in another deep breath before she said the words she hoped would lighten her heavy heart.
"I don't know when I fell in love with him. I can't even remember when I finally realized it. All I know is that he was someone I thought about everyday and wanted to see more than I should. He changed from an actor I respected to a man who could stop my heart in an instant."
She let out an exhale, relishing in the warmth that spread to her fingertips. It felt good to say all of this now. Used to keeping her personal life private, Kyoko found it amazing that she actually felt better with every word spoken from her lips.
"Were you afraid?" Kanae asked.
"Why would she be afraid?" Maria jumped in before she could reply, showing Kanae a confused look. "This is great! Do you realize how long I have been waiting for this?" She grinned when she saw the astonished look on Kyoko's face. "You're perfect for Ren-sama! There's no one else I would want him to be with!"
"Maria-chan, what are you talking about?"
"Well, it's not like you two don't get along. And I can see how much you enjoy each other's company. Besides, what's better than having my two favorite people be in love?"
Kyoko let out a sad smile. "You're right. There is nothing better."
"Onee-sama?"
Holding back the sadness that flooded through her veins, Kyoko looked at Kanae and finally shook her head. "I wasn't afraid…especially when he told me he loved me too."
In an instant, Kanae's mask dropped. The shock upon her face would have been laughable if not for the seriousness of the conversation. Maria, on the other hand, gasped so loudly that the sound bounced off the walls as she jumped onto the couch and gripped her hand in a vice-like grip.
"He told you? HE TOLD YOU, ONEE-SAMA?" She squealed in delight and bounced up and down on the cushion. "Oh my god, this is amazing! I can't believe you never said anything! This is great news!"
She smiled. It was great news. Even though it happened so long ago, Kyoko could still feel the warmth of his hand over hers, the way his eyes stared deep into her own, and the gentle timbre of his voice as he murmured the words that lit her heart on fire. It should have scared her. It should have made her nervous, but it didn't, at least not in the way she thought it would.
"I really didn't believe it at first," Kyoko murmured, looking down at her hands. "For him to love someone like me was too surreal. I already accepted the fact that I might have to admire him from afar, but I never considered the idea that he might have felt the same. And the way he told me…"
Kyoko let out a soft laugh. "…it was perfect. No pressure, no anxiety, no fear. It was everything I could have wished for and more. I was so overcome with emotion that night that I couldn't even say anything. There were no words to describe exactly what I wanted to say, but the way he looked at me was enough. He understood."
"When he asked me out to dinner, I felt lighter than air. At the time, the only unease I had was waking up to realize it was nothing but a dream." Kyoko's eyes suddenly darkened. "It probably would have been better if it was."
"What do you mean?" Kanae asked.
She closed her eyes to stop the anger from completely drowning out her voice. Seeing his face brought all of the frustration back as if it had happened yesterday. "I don't know how long he was waiting there," she managed to say as she opened her eyes. "But he walked up to me and…"
She clenched her hands together upon her lap. Kyoko couldn't even say the words out loud. It only brought back the same distress she felt that night, the helplessness of not knowing what to do. But she had already got this far, so forcing herself to speak, Kyoko said, "He told me he knew that he hurt me, that he knew that there wasn't anything he could say that will take back the words he said, that even though he couldn't undo the pain, he loved me."
"He said the words so easily, as if he had cared all along. But instead of dismissing it all, I suddenly felt my heart beat faster. My hands got clammy and I could barely think straight. Underneath it all, I finally realized that those were the words I always wanted to hear, whether I knew it or not." She laughed coldly and shook her head. "I guess old habits do die hard. A part of me still wanted him, even after all that time."
"If I wasn't thinking straight, I probably would have fallen for it. If I wasn't already aware of my own feelings, I probably would have gone back to him. But I couldn't."
She met their wide-eyed gazes with a soft smile. "I may have wanted to hear the words, but I knew I didn't want him."
"Then why did you go?" Kanae asked. "If you didn't love him anymore, why did you leave?"
"Because I was too ashamed. Even though I could proudly say I didn't want to be with him, I couldn't deny the fact that my heart was still trying to forget. I was still affected by him. When he confessed, I realized that I hadn't moved on completely. I was weak."
The tears came back. It felt like it was all she could do lately. Kyoko hated crying; she hated the lack of control, the inability to stay calm. No matter how desperately she tried to hold them back, they rushed forward, much like the feelings she buried deep within her heart. She didn't want them anymore, but that didn't stop them from making her second guess herself.
Kyoko knew who she loved. She knew that Ren was the one she wanted but—
"—how was I supposed to tell him I love him when a part of me still belonged to someone else? How could I tell him that I still felt something for someone who has caused me nothing but pain?"
Dropping her heavy head into her hands, she mumbled, "I was too scared. I was too scared to see the look on his face if I told him the truth. I didn't want to see his disappointment, but even more cowardly than that, I didn't want him to see how pathetic I was."
"And you thought leaving him was going to fix everything?"
A tear dripped onto her lap, her vision blurring as she lifted her head. "No, I knew that the instant I left, he was never going to feel the same way again. I knew that leaving destroyed every chance I had with him. But I was so sure that I was doing the right thing. He should love someone who can love him just the same, a woman who can return his feelings unconditionally. I couldn't do that, but I didn't have the courage to tell him either."
Unable to look at their faces, Kyoko squeezed her eyes shut and felt the tears drip onto her jeans. "I was so afraid of losing him, that I thought I should walk away first. It was the most selfish decision I ever made."
And feeling the sobs rise from her throat, she pressed the palm of her hands against her eyes to stem the emotions that poured through. But in a gentle movement she didn't see, Kyoko suddenly felt Kanae's arm wrap around her shoulder and pull her to her chest.
Like a wall that was finally broken, Kyoko cried. She cried so hard she was sure she was going to break in half. Her heart beat fiercely in her chest and her lungs pulled in as much air as they could as her body shook with grief. The sadness she had felt all these years, the regret of not facing her fears, and the loss of the love she could have had came raining down upon her shoulders. Never had she felt so hopeless or so defeated.
Maria leaned her cheek against her shoulder, placing her tiny hand into hers. Then in a soft whisper, she said, "It's not over yet, Onee-sama."
Kyoko shook her head.
"There's still a chance," Kanae added. "You still have time."
"I already ruined everything. I can't fix this."
"You're not even going to try?" Kanae gently pushed her back to stare intensely into her glistening eyes. "You said it yourself: he deserves better, right? Then don't you think he deserves to know the truth? Even if it might not fix anything, even if he still hates you afterwards, shouldn't you tell him? Isn't that the least you owe him?"
Wiping the tears from her eyes, Kyoko slowly sat up. Kanae was right. This wasn't about her. Three years ago, she ran for herself. Three years ago, she left him because she was selfish. But now that she had returned, this was about him. Regardless of how much it'll hurt, she needed to do this…for him.
Maria squeezed her hand and said, "You should tell him at the party."
"What party?" Kyoko asked.
Smiling, she reached into her bag and pulled out a thick golden invitation. "A week from today is the 75th Anniversary of the establishment of LME," Maria explained. "Grandfather is hosting the largest banquet of the year. All LME actors and workers are going to make an appearance. So that means that Ren-sama will be there too. You should tell him there, Onee-sama. Let him know what really happened."
"Is that why you came here today?" Kyoko asked as she accepted the outstretched invitation.
Maria nodded vigorously. "I wanted to personally invite you."
Kyoko turned to Kanae and nibbled on her lower lip. "You'll go?"
She nodded. "I am an LME actress after all."
Getting to her knees, Maria wrapped both arms around Kyoko's shoulder and leaned her chin into the crook of her shoulder. "You can do this, Onee-sama."
She let out a tearful laugh and gripped her hand. "You've really matured so much, Maria-chan."
"Studying abroad does that to you."
"What were you studying?"
Maria grinned and exclaimed, "Singing! I'm going to be a singer, Onee-sama!"
"You are?" Kyoko cried with joy as she turned to face her. "That's wonderful, Maria-chan!"
Showing a gentle smile, Kanae murmured with a nod of her head, "Good job. You did it."
Maria's smile grew wider at their praise as she squeezed Kyoko's shoulders with both arms. "Now it's your turn, Onee-sama," she began with a rocking motion. "It's your turn to get what you want."
"Maria-chan…"
"You want Ren-sama, right?"
"Well I—"
"Onee-sama," Maria scolded. "It's either a yes or no."
Kyoko smiled meekly. Then in a soft murmur with her eyes glued to her lap, she replied, "Yes."
"Then you know what we have to do?"
She raised her head. "What?"
"Moko-san, do you?" Maria asked with a grin.
Kanae sighed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she got to her feet. "Looks like we're going shopping."
KNOCK, KNOCK!
Clicking pause, Ren placed the remote back onto the coffee table and made his way to the door. He unlatched the golden lock and pulled the bolt aside. When he opened the door, Ren couldn't wipe the shock upon his face. "Ryoko?"
She smiled sheepishly at his expression and held out a plate of cookies. "This is a peace offering. I know they won't taste any good, but it's the effort that counts, right?"
Shaking his head once, Ren returned her smile with a warm one of his own as he held the door open for her. "Come in, Ryoko."
"Really?"
"You came with cookies. I can't possibly say no to that."
Ryoko laughed, feeling the knots in her shoulder unwind at his easy-going smile. She stepped through the doorway and heard him close the door softly behind her. She scanned the room before her with intrigue. Ryoko had never been to his place before, but it was exactly the kind of place she expected him to have, donned with sleek black leather couches, an entertainment system that oozed of money, and a kitchen filled with stainless steel appliances. The condo was every bit as masculine as him. Black on black with grey and whites strewn throughout, the room somehow looked bigger than a normal living room.
"Ryoko."
She turned around and felt her heart stutter. It had only been a few days since she had last seen him, but it was as if she had completely forgotten how weak he made her feel. Ryoko thought she could see him with her head held high, but if he continued to look at her like that, then she was sure she was going to surrender to the tumultuous feelings that roared through her since the day they spoke in the garage. But pasting a calm smile upon her face, she replied in a steady voice, "I don't mean to intrude in your own home, Ren, but I just want to talk. I swear that we're not going to discuss what happened. I just want to make sure things are okay between us."
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" he asked softly.
"I'm fine. How about you?"
"I'm fine too, but Ryoko, I—"
She placed a hand upon his arm. "That's enough, Ren. That's all I need."
He stared at her in silence, as if waiting for her to change her mind. And Ryoko might have if she didn't turn away from his penetrating gaze. But forcing her eyes to look anywhere besides him, she searched her surroundings and saw a familiar golden piece of paper on his coffee table. Walking towards it, she put her plate down and held the invitation up with a smile. "Are you going?"
Ren nodded. "Are you?"
"Of course. I'm not going to pass up an opportunity to dress up."
Chuckling, he sat upon headrest of the couch and asked, "Do all women think like that?"
"Well, it is practically hard-wired into us."
They both laughed and for a split second there, it seemed like things could go back to normal. But the bleakness in his eyes returned as soon as he met her gaze. Ryoko shook her head when she saw him open his mouth. "I'm fine, Ren," she reassured. "Everything's fine. So don't worry, okay?"
He didn't reply. She knew she was making things uncomfortable for him, but Ryoko couldn't stand not seeing him anymore. They hadn't talked in days and after what happened, she wanted to try to salvage whatever relationship they had left. She refused to give up so easily.
Then something must have persuaded him for the better because his lips slowly curved into a gentle smile as he asked, "Would you like to stay for dinner, Ryoko?"
"You cook?" she asked in surprise.
"Well, I put ingredients together and hope for the best. Do you consider that cooking?"
Ryoko giggled and nodded. "I would love to, Ren. What can I do to help?"
"It's alright, Ryoko" he said as he walked towards the kitchen. "Just make yourself comfortable."
"Are you sure? I can—"
He held up a hand with a softened gaze. "Let me do this, Ryoko."
Feeling her heart jumpstart in her chest, she felt her head nod once. Then after showing her one more smile, he walked into the kitchen. Ryoko sat down onto the couch and looked around like a little kid who had no idea what to do. She scanned the room and realized that he didn't have any pictures, no friends, family, or even himself. And when she looked up at his television, she noticed he was watching one of his old dramas, Dark Moon. It was this drama that had flamed her desire to meet him. It was this drama that gave her the push to enter LME.
Currently, the drama was paused at a scene with the villain of the story, Mio. Curious as to what episode it was on, she reached for the remote and was about to push play when something glimmered out of the corner of her eye. Ryoko turned her head and saw a silver necklace upon the tabletop. With nimble fingers, she held the chain in the palm of her hand and admired the pink gem in the center.
Intricate and delicate, even Ryoko could tell that this was no piece of cheap jewelry. But it seemed out of place here. Why would Ren have such a feminine necklace? Why would he—? Then like a punch to the gut, she suddenly felt the air rush out of her lungs in a painful gasp. The answer was clear. It couldn't be his. It must belong to someone else. It must belong to another wom—.
"Ryoko?"
Startled, she whipped her head around and stuffed her hand into the pocket of her jacket. "YES?"
He chuckled. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I was just wondering if there's anything you're allergic to."
"No! No! Anything's fine! Actually, would you mind it terribly if I sit and watch you? I promise I won't lift a finger, but I feel sort of useless just sitting here."
"Are you sure? You might not want to eat afterwards."
Ryoko laughed and got to her feet. "Nonsense! I'm sure it'll be fine."
Following him into the kitchen, she sat down upon the silver bar stool and leaned her chin into the palm of her hand. She focused on the movement of his hands and the sound of his voice as he explained what he was making. She focused on the delicious aroma coming from the pot he was stirring upon the stove. She focused on the sounds of metal silverware clanging together. She focused on everything, everything except for the heavy weight growing inside her pocket.