11.
(don't try to live so wise)

Josh just couldn't get those Alain's pictures out of his head. After he returned to his room, he rummaged through his desk and several boxes to collect about twenty photos. It was so few it was pathetic, especially compared to the collection he had just seen. He shook his head, but a peculiar sadness wouldn't leave. He sighed and set about arranging the pictures more or less chronologically.

Photos with his grandfather, only two, taken by a photographer. Josh wearing school uniform, his face solemn. He was six and probably eight years old, respectively. Oh, this one he didn't remember! Right, they'd gone for a picnic with neighbours who'd owned a camera. Summer, a meadow, two little boys beside him... All of them smiling. He'd been really young then, no wonder it'd slipped his mind...

They had used to walk a lot, with his grandfather. The city was small, surrounded by the fields, meadows and hills - a lot of space to discover. For as long as he could remember, he'd always been lively, and he hadn't got over it. He'd chased the cats in the backyard, and he'd run elsewhere just like this. He'd loved to spend time outside, and grandfather had let him, accompanying him, too. It'd been really good time...

He came back to reality and to the photos. Several group shots from primary school. He winced. He'd always been the smallest of his class, so they'd made him sit in the front. Well, that way his height wasn't visible, but the aversion remained. One, two, three... All six of them, from every year of the primary school. He didn't wear a happy expression, not even in one of them: a little sulking imp in the front of the class... But grandfather had wanted all of them and always ordered the prints. Now Josh was grateful for it. Even if he couldn't remember names of his former classmates, he still had a tangible proof of his past...

Ah, photos from Idealo, first the middle school... With this Josh, he felt more familiar. Saint Grollo uniform, mane of hair and coquettish smile. Yes, Joshua Or in full bloom. Once, the school had been visited by a journalist assigned the task of making a reportage - along with the professional press photographer. Most students would run like hell from those two, but not Josh. To tell the truth, now he wasn't sure what he'd tried to achieve any more, probably to present his style and chick and go stellar. He laughed at the memory. He succeeded only in getting most prints for his private use, for he hadn't made it to the magazine, what a loss for humanity...

He had a closer look. No, he didn't really look that bad. But, well, in uniforms most of the boys looked good, he'd known it for some time now.

Oh, pictures with Erwin and Cecile, taken during last two years! Cecile had kept begging her parents for a camera until she'd obtained it - it seemed they really pampered her - and her favourite objects were, of course, Erwin and Josh. Well, at least Erwin - but he hadn't agreed to any photos at first. However, Cecile had been stubborn, and Josh - with his own example - had proved it untrue that camera stole souls. Not that Erwin had believed in it; still, his aversion to being photographed had really resembled some phobia. Fortunately. Cecile had managed to accustom him to the camera, and thanks to this Josh owned some pictures with his best friend. Photos taken by Cecile were terrible - what else could be expected? - crooked, cropped rather badly and so on, but Josh was very happy with them. What did it matter that here he lacked his hand, and there half of his face was gone? This one for instance... He didn't really know whether it was meant to be horizontal or vertical... Usually, they took pictures in the park, wearing casual clothes, sometimes eating ice-creams or drinking soda. He was under the impression he could relive those pleasant moments he'd really had fun.

He browsed the pictures, giving a close look to each of them, and tried to come back to the time they had been taken.

Wow, this one was really a wonder of Cecile's photo art: not only had she managed to take both him and Erwin, but also quite a big part of the cathedral had fitted in. He brought the picture closer, looking at their smiling faces. No, he really had never had such a friend like Erwin, a person who he always could count on and who accepted him regardless the circumstances. He wished Alain could become someone like this, too - but was it even possible? Alain and Erwin had different characters... Besides, they'd been friends with Erwin for five years already, while it was still only a beginning with Alain...

Yet, he thought he could imagine Alain and himself in a similar photo. He could still remember Alain's smile from pictures taken with Grace. Even he had to feel relaxed and good, from time to time. Josh had to make such times come more often...

Now, in first instance, he wanted to show Alain his tiny collection.

The next day, the last day of vacation, he went to the town and bought an album. He put the pictures in, but there was still a lot of place left... He sighed. If he could afford it, he'd buy a camera, too, but it was just a dream now. Maybe... maybe he could borrow from Cecile? But would she let him have such an expensive item? He doubted it... It seemed he had to wait a longer while for his first photograph with Alain.

On Wednesday, an inspiration struck him, and it happened during the art lesson when they were drawing. He became so distracted that, when professor asked him about Plato's proportions, he mindlessly answered that it wasn't Plato who had treated about proportions, and recited Thales' theorem, causing hilarity in the class. Professor corrected him and told meant the Pythagorean-Platonic concept of beauty, and forbid Josh from saying the Pythagoras' theorem right away. Then, he whacked Josh on the head with the class register, assigned an essay in aesthetics and walked away, muttering something about spring going to youngsters' head. Josh didn't really bother, focused on his vision.

He could draw Alain!

The thought was very tempting, and for a while he weighed up pros and cons. Ah, to be able to sit in the open air, Alain wearing a white shirt, unbuttoned at his neck... Bathed in sunlight, or in the shade of a tree... Studying, for instance. Or reading. From time to time, he would brush his hair aside from his forehead, out of habit, or frown, deep in his thought...

Josh wondered whether he would be able to concentrate - on drawing, not Alain. He sat like this for a moment, his eyes fixed in the distance - definitely not on the canvas before him - his hand in mid-air. He roused only when classmates started to push around him, heading towards the door. Lesson had apparently ended at some point... 'Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained,' he though carefully and after cleaning his place, he approached the professor and asked about the credit for drawing portrait.

"My dear boy, you were drawing portraits in the winter semester already. You have terrible memory and distraction problems..."

"But, of course I remember, professor!" Josh extricated himself. "The problem is I'm not very satisfied with my mark... And I'd like to have a good certificate." He lowered his voice, "You see, professor, I'd like to apply for a scholarship to university..."

Something akin to anxiety flickered in the teacher's eyes. "But surely not for the fine arts?"

"But, nothing of that kind, professor! Me and the fine arts? You have seen it for yourself, sir, I confused Plato with Socrates..."

"With Thales, if I'm not mistaken..."

"Quite so, I really don't grasp those Greeks... Anyway, I need a good certificate, so I'd like to try once again. Then, I thought that if I submit a new portrait...?"

"Hmm, I can't claim it impossible. Your attitude gladdens me," the old man praised Josh, taken by his frankness. "Well, I think you may try."

Josh thanked him heartily and ran to the main hall, flying on the wings of hope. If he was lucky, he would meet Alain; today their classes ended at the same time... But the fourth-years were nowhere to be seen - maybe they'd had shorter lessons, after all - and instead he ran into Erwin.

For a short while, the conflicting emotions swirled in him: he was so spirited he could go meet Alain any time, but he did plan to have a talk with Erwin, too. Now was as good as any time. Besides, recently Erwin seemed to be strangely busy after school. Well, maybe it wasn't that strange... "You have a moment to spare?" he asked. "No date or something? I'd like to talk with you."

Erwin shook his head, coughing. They went outside and headed towards the trees - Josh preferred a quiet and secluded place for this talk. His heart was beating fast, but he decided it was high time to share his business with Erwin. In fact, he felt somewhat guilty he hadn't done it so far.

"You sick?" he inquired when Erwin kept coughing.

"I've caught a cold," Erwin replied, waving his hand in a rather dismissive way. "I'll be fine in no time."

"But don't infect me," Josh warned, realizing many of his classmates had been absent today.

"I don't even hug you today," Erwin pointed out.

"Right. You're a real friend," Josh agreed. Erwin cast an intent look at him and said nothing.

They sat down on the grass by the outer wall of the campus. "You know," Josh started outright, playing with a long blade, "when we saw each other in Cecile's place... I thought we haven't talked in a while."

"Josh... I'm sorry, I..." Erwin started to justify himself.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Josh interrupted him. "Definitely not about you being with Cecile, right?" He turned his head and looked at his friend before he looked ahead again. "I manage well on my own, really. I just thought that the fact we're not spending time together doesn't mean we're not best pals. Right?" he asked with more emphasis he'd intended.

Erwin nodded. "Of course. Still..."

"Listen. I think I wasn't okay with you either."

"What do you mean?" Erwin frowned.

"I should've spoken with you earlier... But all of this happened so quickly..."

"What's happened, Josh?" Erwin asked, raising his voice.

Josh looked at him, startled. "Nothing special, really. You don't have to make that face... For God's sake, Erwin, calm down. Nothing. Has. Happened. Okay?"

"Then, why are you so serious today?" Erwin remained alert.

"I didn't expect to hear this from you," Josh tried to smile. Serious? Since when Erwin had been regarding him serious? "Damn, I took a wrong way around it... But you know, Erwin, you could have at least little confidence in your best pal."

"So, what's happened?" Erwin had completely ignored the slight reproach in Josh's words. So like him.

Josh sighed. It seemed he had no choice but to say it straight. "You know Alain Corail? The fourth-year?" Erwin nodded. "Well, he... I... Well..." He looked around. "I love him," Josh confessed in a soft voice.

Erwin blinked. In silence that fell the buzzing of bees was to be heard. A sound of a car pulling out came from the distance.

"You could at least comment somehow," Josh noted irritably as Erwin was still saying nothing.

"I was waiting for the continuation," Erwin replied with some disappointment.

"What do you mean?" Josh bristled.

"So far, you haven't said anything new," Erwin explained and shrugged.

"What?"

"Josh, I know you regard yourself as shrewd and others as idiots-"

"What? I never-"

"-but even an idiot would realize you have something for that guy."

Now it was Josh sitting and only blinking; then he tried to chase away the treacherous blush. His thought were chaotic. Erwin knew? Everyone... knew? Well, Jade had said it point-blank when he'd visited for the first time...

"But... I..."

No, he couldn't believe it to be so obvious. Alain... Alain would give him to understand that he'd realized. Erwin was surely exaggerating? Or... maybe he wasn't?"

"You've been chasing him since the previous semester. You mean you haven't noticed yourself?"

Damn it! He had forgotten Erwin was so perceptive, especially that he didn't look it, ha ha... Served him right.

Josh stretched his legs and looked ahead, again. "I've realized it only recently," he said quietly. He had no reason to be angry with Erwin. "But you're right, I took notice of him earlier..."

Erwin nodded. "And how does he feel about it?" he asked directly.

Josh lowered his eyes. "I think I'd like him to realize it, too..." he replied. "If everyone knows," he added bitingly. "Sometimes... I don't know. I'd like... him to like me," he finished quietly.

It was complicated. He was under the impression his feelings and hopes kept changing depending on the situation. One day, he didn't wish for more than only to look at Alain, while the other longing to be with him in a very physical way was almost unbearable. One day, all this was so gentle and soft; another time it seemed to him he'd jump at Alain on the first occasion and never let him go, and let Alain do anything to him, and...

Still, it didn't matter, for everything depended on Alain himself. Josh might wish for all he wanted, but everything amounted to Alain's feelings about him. Josh could only strive for his attention.

"You know, from an outsider's point of view," Erwin started hesitantly, "you appear to be quite intimate with each other. I mean... When you're together, it seems you feel good around each other. I even think," he went on, "some people would consider you an item."

Josh wondered whether it was good or bad thing, but he couldn't decide. Erwin's words sounded extremely tempting to his ears - it was so easy to actually believe in them - but compared with reality they were pure abstraction.

"After all, Alain probably has no pals here," Erwin pointed out. "His schoolmates graduated last year. In fact, I can't remember seeing him in others' company recently, only with you." Josh's heart, that had been racing for some time now, leapt in his chest. "I bet some wouldn't need more to imagine something," Erwin added.

"Huh, I can imagine as well," Josh decided sourly. "In fact, I keep imagining, for now."

Erwin gave him an intent look. "It's serious, isn't it? No, I shouldn't even ask. It's been always serious with you," he smiled.

Josh smiled back at him, although he was still tense. "I wish... I wish he didn't see me as a brat who just tags on..." he confessed quietly. "I wish he just accepted me. Acknowledged me. You know, sometimes I feel he really does. We've been talking a bit... He told me about his past. Usually, you don't tattle it to anyone, do you? But every time it happens, I think it was just a coincidence, that it means nothing... I can't resist the impression he will forget me once I vanish from his sight..."

"Josh, it's impossible to ever forget you..." Erwin threw in. Josh gave him a thankful look. "Maybe he is like this? Do you know him well? Maybe he has something on his mind?"

Josh nodded; it sounded logical. "True. He's apparently thinking a lot about his past..."

"You see? Maybe he's just that type who first makes a decision and thinks about it only later? Many people take the present as it is and draw conclusions afterwards. Some others, however, tend to focus on present too much," he poked Josh in the chest with his index finger.

"You're hinting I think too much?" Josh bridled. "Well, it's true I prefer to plan something myself than let others plan for me."

"You like control things," Erwin agreed.

"Of course! If I'm not going to, then no-one-"

"But where is room for spontaneity, then?" Erwin pointed out. "If you make plans, it means you consider only one option. Think about it."

Josh looked at him for a longer while. Then he rested against the wall and stared at the sky. What Erwin had said sounded familiar, but...

"It's not like this," he spoke finally, never taking eyes off the blue vastness. "If I consider only one option, that would be the one I am with him in the end. Someone... told me a while ago that once I set a goal, I'll definitely achieve it, and I decided to believe it. But it's not that I have a detailed plan," he stressed, "it sounds like I drew up a schedule... Sure, I rack my brain all the time, trying to create the situations so that we can be together," he admitted. "To make him remember me, to... get him used to my being there... For now, everything really goes... smoothly," he revealed. "We meet. Talk. It's natural. But still... it's not this." He looked at Erwin again. "When I look at you and Cecile... Erwin, it's fantastic how everything shapes up well for you. The way you treat each other or talk... On the other hand, me and Alain... It's like walking on this ice. I never know when I say something wrong. I never know when he withdraws and goes away...

"Has he? Josh, I think you should give him more time. And yourself, above all. You know it's not a matter of a week. Me and Cecile..." Erwin blushed. "It was quite... special with us. You remember, don't you? She was horny... And she is older, too. How could I ever refuse such a woman? She would do anything to become my girlfriend."

"Rather, she would do anything so that you become her boyfriend," Josh corrected with a smirk.

"All the same," Erwin waved his hand, oblivious to the distinction. "But that Alain..." He mused. "I always thought he was a delinquent... Is it really a good choice, Josh?" he asked cautiously.

"He's not like this!" Josh switched to defensive before he realized. "I mean... He seems quite okay. And he started to apply himself to studying again. And he's pretty good at maths," he finished triumphantly. Erwin raised one brow, suppressing a cough. "I asked him for help with trigonometry, and he agreed," Josh confessed in a lower voice. 'And, thanks to this, we have a date in the patisserie tomorrow!' he thought, trying to hold back a blush.

"I see you're not slacking," Erwin praised, patting him on the back. "But, well, I couldn't expect anything else of you."

"I..." Josh lowered his eyes again, "Erwin... Do you think it will work out?" he asked quietly.

Erwin gave him a sympathetic look - and Josh could stand it only from him - and then he shook his head. "After knowing you for five years, I should perhaps consider myself an expert at male love, but... Sorry. I've no idea," he admitted frankly. "I think you have to belief in yourself and keep trying. 'Cause you don't want to make do with a one-sided love this time, do you?"

Josh shook his head. "I mean... First of all, I'd like to... make friends with him. It's not that I lech after him and want to... sleep with him," he said in a soft voice.

Erwin put the hand on his shoulder. "Josh, sometimes I wonder who is more of a romantic: you or Cecile? I know it's always about what you have in heart. Don't you think you should have been born a girl?"

"Nah..." Josh winced at the very thought. "Guys have more possibilities," he added with a perverse smile, trying to efface the impression of being a hopeless romantic.

"Stop, I don't want listen to it!" Erwin waved his hands dramatically. "Do it as you like, but I want to remain an innocent ignorant to it."

"Innocent? Ha! I wonder what you think when you're in your empty bed in the evening, and you know Cecile's lying in hers..."

Erwin covered his mouth. "Shh. I don't think anything, anything, anything. Do you think her parents would invite me to dinners if they knew I think that way about their daughter?"

"Ha! You've admitted it! Besides... Cecile wasn't brought by a stork, either," Josh pointed out, a twinkle in his eye.

"Quiet. Our love is going to be consummated after we're married," Erwin said, his face red. "Otherwise, her father would kill me."

"Poor Cecile... Well, I'm not going to wait. I'll seize the first opportunity to become a real man. I'm deeply convinced it will happen before your getting married," Josh threatened.

"So be it. Anyway," Erwin didn't plan to change the subject, "you don't have an easy task. You shouldn't rush the things; yet, on the other hand..."

"Alain is graduating in few weeks," Josh finished, lowering his head again. "I should've fallen for him earlier, ha ha..."

"Don't worry. I'm sure you'll think up something," Erwin said optimistically.

"Well, you really advised me..."

"I didn't know you wanted my advice," something flickered in Erwin's eyes. "I really have no idea how brains of the likes of you work. However, I suppose that going with flowers and confessing your feelings is out of question..."

"Erwin, sometimes that I listen to you..."

"But, in general, you need to follow the same rules the standard couples do."

"You haven't said anything I didn't know myself," Josh replied bitingly. "Although I've no idea what the standard couples do. I don't think you and Cecile provide the best example," he smirked.

"To make you remember, it was you who bumped into her, making her bump into me. Would you like me to play the same thing for you and Alain?" Erwin asked.

Josh burst out laughing, and Erwin followed, only to be overpowered by another attack of coughing. Still, the best was the knowledge that Erwin would really do it if he believed he could help Josh that way. Josh was really grateful to him.

He felt the previous tension leave him. He hadn't learned anything new; nevertheless, he was happy he'd had that talk with Erwin. Erwin was the only person he could confide in. Well, he did tend to show that annoying attitude, 'You'll manage', towards Josh... It evoked ambiguous feeling: it was nice to have the opinion of a man who can handle things, but there was also the risk of being left alone with his problems. But Josh had never, not for a moment, doubted Erwin's support.

He rose from the grass and dusted himself off. "Thanks," he said, reaching out to Erwin.

Erwin took his hand and nodded. "Keep me informed," he asked with a smile.

"I think you'll know just by looking at me," Josh replied, laughing.

Erwin mused. "You only show it when you're happy," he said finally. "When you're feeling down... you try to smile, too. That's why you have me, who can't be fooled by your smile. At least from time to time," he added in a serious tone. "But I still wish you don't have to fool me."

Josh pondered on it for a while, and then he nodded. It was true; he hardly ever could hide his real mood from Erwin... And he was glad about it. For now, he said, 'Bye,' and left to finish reading a most frustrating novel about Mr Z, to get it over and done with before tomorrow's date.

Akeboshi, "Wind"