Castiel woke up to a snuffling in his ear and blinked awake wondering if he was at home and Phoebe was beside him instead of Dean and jumped awake in a panic. He looked up to see Dean holding him tight nose buried in his hair as he breathed in and out deeply. Castiel smiled softly kissing in the crease of his neck and edging out of his arms feeling a discomfort in his bladder.
Dean grunted rolling away and sighing deeply into his sleep. Castiel smiled again tracing his finger down his spine watching him shudder and moan low underneath his breath. He hopped out of bed wincing at the pain in his groin and hissing when he redressed and walked out and into the bathroom. He walked out fully prepared to go back to bed when he heard a crash downstairs.
He walked into the kitchen to see Anna heaving into the kitchen sink.
"Rough night?" he questioned her as she jumped startled.
"Shit, you scared me" she breathed clutching a hand over her heart before swilling water around her mouth and spitting. "Yes, a very rough night and I am severely hung over and ashamed of myself"
Castiel let out a small chuckle leaning against the wall watching as Anna spun around to face him.
"You look happy"
"I am"
She moved forward sniffing his shoulder while he looked at her bemused.
"You reek of sex" she said with a smug smile. "So you did it then?"
"Yes, I wanted to not because you told me too" he murmured folding his arms across his chest.
"So…how was it?"
Castiel sighed deeply biting down on his bottom lip.
"Amazing, connected, everything I had actually dreamt of happening"
Anna giggled behind her hand pulling him into a big hug, Castiel clung to her surprised.
"I knew it would work! But how do you feel"
"I don't know, I mean it was amazing and…but I don't know how I feel" he said staring off into the distance. "I feel a certain tenderness for him, a protectiveness like he's mine but I don't know…I've never felt it before"
Anna hummed letting go of him and stepping back.
"Falling in love maybe?"
"Maybe" he murmured softly in doubt.
Anna closed her eyes letting out a soft groan holding her sore stomach. "Right, hot shot, I'm going back to bed so you know…don't be too loud"
Castiel rolled his eyes at her as she winked walking back upstairs looking like death. He made himself a cup of coffee and followed her up returning to his room to see Dean still sleeping soundly in the bed.
Sitting down beside him he trailed his fingers into his soft hair teasing the edges till Dean woke up with a soft moan.
"Hey" he murmured sleepily rubbing his eyes turning towards him. "I thought it was all a dream"
"No, it was very real" he murmured putting his cup down and sliding down next to him blushing a little.
"Good" he growled pulling him down into a heated kiss. Castiel groaned into his mouth feeling Dean's tongue sweep into it tasting the coffee.
"You taste amazing" Dean whispered against his lips.
"Coffee?"
"This early in the morning, it's like heaven" he replied with a shrug trailing his mouth down his neck. "So, can we talk now?"
"Yes" he said putting his hands on his shoulders and pushing him back. Dean stiffened alarmed but let it slide as he looked him over.
"Why did we have sex?"
"Isn't that what couples do?"
"Not us, well not recently since the accident" Dean murmured raising his fingers to Cas' forehead and trailing them across his scar. "Was it some sort of test?"
"Yes and no, I wanted to, Dean, but it was a test for me, a test to know that I could do it, I could be with you…"
"Has it changed anything?"
"I don't know yet" he whispered cupping his cheek gently. Dean leaned into it closing his eyes and opened them to see him looking away from him.
"Do you remember anything else?"
"A night we had, it held a special event…it was dark and in our bedroom back home" he said with a shrug.
Dean grimaced. "That's nothing to go by, it could be a birthday, anniversary, but I guess it' something and we're getting somewhere"
"You think"
"I know" Dean whispered pressing closer to him. "We just jumped a massive step and it was amazing, you were amazing, and I'm so glad you took it"
"Good" Castiel whispered closing his eyes when he kissed him stroking a hand into his hair gripping it tight.
"I love you no matter what" Dean murmured stroking his cheek softly.
Castiel whimpered arching into his touch and nodded quickly. "I know that, I know that now"
They stayed like that kissing lazily till Dean broke away staring at his swollen lips and flushed cheeks with a smile.
"I had an idea" Dean said fixing him with wide eyes.
"What?"
"When this week is over, we don't go back, we take a little…detour" he muttered trailing his fingers across his collarbone. Castiel shivered exhaling shakily and blinked staring into his eyes.
"What are you on about?"
"We go Spain"
"What? Why?" he said baffled.
"Because it got me thinking, Cas, if you can see Anna and get all those memories back why can't a place do that?"
"I've been at home and it hasn't there"
"Well you remembered the accident, us having sex on a kitchen table and a load from Phoebe" Dean murmured softly considering. "I want to take you somewhere that could bring back a memory, Cas, this one is important to me and you because it was when we got engaged"
"Okay, we'll go"
Dean blinked startled and gave a small smile. "Wow, I didn't think you would give in so easily"
"If it makes you happy"
"It does but I want you to happy as well, Cas, this isn't just for me, it's for both of us"
"I know, I understand that"
"Okay then" Dean murmured rolling on to his back and stretching out his kinks and muscles feeling tired and relaxed. "Hey, where's Anna? Was she in when we…"
"Oh! No, she went out and is now severely hungover"
Dean raised an eyebrow rolling onto his stomach and eyeing him up and down. "I wonder what we can do while she gets over it…"
"Do you have a one track mind, Dean?" Castiel said with an air of amusement watching as he pushed up onto his knees and sat down tugging him onto his lap. Castiel straddled him wrapping his legs around his waist and smiling weakly when Dean brushed back his hair trailing his fingers through it.
"I never thought I would be able to do this again" he murmured more to himself.
"Why?"
"Because of the accident and the fact you don't feel the same way about me anymore" Dean replied sadly letting his hand fall. "I gave up a little bit of hope on ever being able to kiss you, touch you or even just hug you again"
Castiel swallowed the lump in his throat and simply just nodded. The feelings he felt yesterday still lingered, weak but there, and he knew they were because of force; he would do anything to love him back.
"Well you have now" he said in a gentle tone. Dean squinted and sighed pressing his lips against his in a firm kiss before pulling away and sighing deeply.
"God, I'm hungry"
"Then you have permission to eat"
Dean stared at him and let out a puff of laughter poking him in the nose.
"Look who's being all witty" he said with a grin when Castiel chuckled getting off his lap.
"Go make me food, I command it"
"Oh" Dean said eyeing it. "I actually like that"
"What?"
"You commanding me"
"Who's the slut now?"
Dean chuckled nodding and pointing a finger at him as he walked out. "You are"
Castiel hummed leaning back into the pillow watching him walk out and closed his eyes feeling a dread fill his stomach for no reason at all. He sighed rolling onto his stomach inhaling the smell of Dean on the cushion and just hoped it would fade.
~0~
"Oh there was a girl…she took me into the bathrooms…" Anna said in horror as they sat down for dinner that night.
"Oh too much information" Dean said with a grimace when she cringed burying her head into her hands.
"I was drunk" she said with a scowl looking down at her food. Dean rolled his eyes at her looking towards Castiel who was staring at nothing in deep thought.
"Cas?"
He jumped looking straight towards him and blinked shaking his head quickly.
"I'm fine"
Dean narrowed his eyes looking towards Anna who shrugged.
"So you guys are really going to Madrid?"
"Yeah, booked our flights before" Dean said with a grin. "It might bring back a certain memory"
"What one?"
"Our engagement" Dean said lightly flickering a glance over to Castiel who was now staring out of the window ignoring their conversation. A flicker of unease erupted in Dean's stomach as he watched him but turned back to Anna who replied.
"Oh how cute, I hope you remember, Cas"
Castiel nodded turning back to look at her and then back out of the window again.
"Is he okay?" she mouthed to Dean who shrugged back at her.
"I'm gonna get us some drinks" Anna said loudly standing up and moving out of the room. Dean approached him slowly and settled down in front of him looking into the pain ridden guys with a punch feeling to his gut. There were no words as they stared into each other's eyes and Dean reached out trailing his hand down his cheek with a soulful sigh.
"We're on a long road aren't we?" Dean whispered softly wrapping his hands around his wrists and holding them close.
Castiel sighed deeply and nodded telling Dean all he needed to know.
"I don't know if I'll ever be better" he murmured softly staring down at his lap.
"That's what time is for, Cas, time's a good healer and you'll get better"
"What if I don't?"
"You're making progress now"
"What if I only remember the smaller details? What if I never remember how we met, our engagement, our wedding, all our anniversaries, small but important memories you can talk about over and over and over again but they make no sense to me, Dean" Castiel ranted shoving his hands away pulling his own towards his chest. "I'm gripping on here but every second I'm losing energy, I'm feeling the will to let go and no matter how much I try to forget about it, to concentrate on us and our world it's always there"
"Cas…"
"Dean, you are a stranger in my life I am just getting to know" Castiel said looking up to him with hard eyes. Dean stared into the glacier coloured eyes and felt fear strike him.
"I feel for you, Dean, a feel a tenderness, a protectiveness, a caring ache for you because you are always there for me"
"I love you that's why"
"I know you do but…what if I'm not good enough for you anymore?"
Dean blanched shocked and stiffened his form sitting up straighter in his chair. Castiel's lips formed a tight line and he looked away from him back towards the window watching the rain trail down it.
"Where the hell has this come from? You were fine before and now this?" Dean said gesturing at him. "You're being stupid, Cas"
"No, I'm being realistic!" he hissed at him shoving him back and moving out of the room.
"Where the hell are you going?"
Castiel ignored him storming upstairs and slamming the bedroom door behind him. Anna returned holding a glass of wine and a concerned look on her features.
"What happened?"
"The dude is hot and fucking cold! First he's fine with me the next he's shoving me away and telling me he isn't good enough for me!"
"He has every right to feel that way"
"What?" Dean said in a harsh tone glaring at Anna who narrowed her eyes at him.
"He has been through a traumatic experience, Dean, for fuck sake show some compassion"
"Excuse me!"
"What you think he fucks you and everything will be back to normal?"
"No, I…"
"Well it isn't! He has a long, long, way to go before he feels the least bit normal here, Dean, he's taken a big step starting to trust you, kiss you, hell even having sex with you! He's really trying here and you need to be patient with him"
"I am!"
"Well show it!" she shouted pointing towards the stairs. "Go up there and comfort him, tell him it will be alright, you are there for him and you always will be! Tell him you are there every step of the way and if it takes one day, one month, even one year you are there 100%"
"Okay, okay, sheesh" he said eyeing her up and down as she stood with her hands on her hips looking powerful. "Your girlfriend has rubbed off on you"
"Ex-girlfriend and yes, she's a cruel hearted bitch but I love her, I always will" she said glaring at him before stalking off into the living room. Dean raised an eyebrow at the empty hallway before moving upstairs and hesitantly knocking on the door.
"Cas? If I come in please don't hurt me" he cried through the door and opened it slowly to see Castiel sat on the edge of the bed his back facing him. "Cas?"
Castiel's shoulders were stiff and his posture also as he ignored Dean completely.
"Cas? Stop ignoring me and will you listen to me…please?"
Castiel let out a tiring sigh and turned towards him full on and nodded at him to continue.
"Did you believe in love at first sight?"
"I don't know"
"Well some people do and I am not one of them, I believe in lust at first sight which then grows into love if you are really trying" Dean said crawling on to the bed and kneeling in front of him. "I think that was it was like for me, I met you, I didn't like you at all and the I grew to like you, lust after you and then love you…thankfully you felt the same before the accident"
Castiel shifted uncomfortable and looked back out of the window watching the rain and feeling calm and sheltered as he watched it fall.
"That means that no matter how long it takes I'm here okay?"
"I know" he whispered in a croaky voice repressing emotion.
"You know?"
"I know you will be there for me no matter what, you won't leave my side, and you'll do what it takes to get me back"
Dean bit the inside of his cheek fighting the urge to shout at him but Castiel was correct and he couldn't fight that argument.
"Yes, so stop fighting me and let me help you"
"What do you think I am doing?" he whispered still not looking at him.
"I have no idea! One minute you are okay and the next…" he said feeling his anger again and gritting his teeth fighting it back. "I just don't want you to push me away when everything is going okay, Cas"
Castiel didn't reply and only saw out of the corner of his eye when Dean shifted closer to him tilting his chin towards him.
"I'm keeping my promise, I'm trying my hardest here and if your heart isn't into this then…what's the point?"
"I'm trying also, you know I am!" he protested hurt. "What was last night? Was that just a dream, Dean?"
"No it wasn't but I don't understand where this little episode has come from!"
"You wouldn't understand, Dean, you are not in my position"
"I know I'm not! But this is our lives, Cas, it's tied to yours in every way possible and I just want you to be okay"
Dean watched as tears filled Castiel's eyes and he groaned pressing a hand over his own eyes. Letting out a frustrated sigh he gripped him and pulled him into a tight hug, Castiel gasped clinging to him.
"I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I'm feeling this…dread, this unsettling feeling like something is wrong" he whispered. "I just want to forget, I want to forget for one moment what's happened! Help me…"
Dean felt an agonising tear in his heart at the pleading tone in his voice and pulled away brushing the tip of his nose against his cheek feeling the stubble burn it and sighed gently blowing warm air on his lips before kissing them softly feeling and tasting the salt of his tears.
"Let's forget" Dean whispered pushing him back into the bed kissing him painfully slow and shushing him when he whimpered clinging to him. "I got you"
"Make me forget, just for one minute" he muttered arching his back into his touch and gasping when Dean's hand slid down his neck trailing his fingers across his collarbone and tugging his shirt off him throwing it on the floor. Dean trailed his mouth across the faint brown skin tasting the sweet musky smell from his deodorant and natural scent. Castiel closed his eyes running his fingers through the darkish brown hair moaning low when he unbuckled his belt sliding his jeans down and throwing them on to the floor. Dean kissed down his stomach pressing a kiss over his bellybutton and smiling faintly when he shivered and wriggled on the bed sheet.
"You're so beautiful, Cas, you've always been beautiful" Dean murmured against his skin sliding his hands behind Castiel's back and into his boxers cupping his ass for a moment watching him gasp and close his eyes. Dean slipped them down and over his shoulder staring down at his flushed skin and cock fully erect and leaking pre-cum.
"Dean…" he whined pulling at his t-shirt and Dean understood fully as he stripped off his own clothing till he was also naked and moved down kissing him gently. Castiel moaned gripping the back of his neck as he shifted underneath him till they fitted perfectly together touching in all the right places. Dean moaned when Castiel tore away his mouth kissing a line down his throat leaving small red marks.
"I want you inside me" Castiel whispered breathlessly kissing up his jaw and into the curve of his ear.
"I know" Dean murmured reaching over and grabbing their lube off the nightstand and spreading them onto his fingers slipping one inside him. Castiel hissed arching his throat and gasping his name when he slid them inside him scissoring his fingers to widen the hole.
"Dean" he moaned over and over again like a prayer. Dean answered pressing his mouth against his and holding him against his chest as he pushed his tongue into his mouth tasting salt and something fruity which made him moan in want sliding a second digit inside him.
Castiel wriggled moving into his fingers and letting out a heartfelt moan of loss when he removed them. Dean moved quickly sliding inside him in one quick slide, Castiel opened his mouth in a silent gasp feeling filled and his vision whiten for a moment when Dean hit the sweet spot inside him. Dean watched him sliding his hands down and gripping his wrists pinning them above his head as he thrusted inside him.
Downstairs Anna heard the noise and cringed rolling her eyes but felt a jealously inside her burn brighter than ever before. She grabbed her coat and slid out of the front door wondering how long it would last and would they ever get past their whole ordeal.
Castiel's fists tightened as he curled them together and moaned when Dean sucked on his neck leaving a large and red hickey on his neck as he thrusted deeper inside him. Castiel cried out feeling full and sparks of pleasure shooting up and down inside him as he banged his head against the headboard panting out Dean's name.
"Yes…god, yes, there" he moaned struggling against his wrists and breaking free gripping Dean's ass cheeks pulling him deeper inside him.
"Shit, Cas" Dean grunted fisting the pillow underneath him thrusting harder into him. Castiel stared up into his eyes rolling his hips feeling his sweet spot hit again and gritted his teeth against the scream threatening to come back.
"Don't hold back" Dean muttered breathlessly. "Let it rip, scream for me"
Dean purred the words into his ear hearing him whimper in response clawing at his back and gasping when Dean slammed into him hitting him into headboard again. Wrapping a hand around his cock in a tight fist, Dean knew the right pressure as he pumped him hard and fast and in time with his thrusts inside him.
Castiel felt his vision whiten again and his whole body spasm with the need to orgasm.
"Dean…" he called out and saw him nod.
"Come for me, baby" he whispered feeling it himself and the moment came when Castiel climaxed with a scream spurting white clumps of cum all over his chest and seconds later felt his own orgasm as he filled Castiel. Castiel panted out of breath and still seeing stars as he came down off his high and moaned when Dean moved to lie on his chest still inside him.
"Did you forget?"
Castiel remained silent apart from his breathing and squeezed his eyes shut feeling a burn of emotion when Dean moved up to him kissing his sweaty forehead, his cheeks, his nose, and finally his lips tenderly. They spoke no words after that as Dean caressed him and kissed every inch of his skin while Castiel wept silently wondering if things could ever be okay for them, yes there was the sex, the connection, and some feelings but sometimes it just wasn't enough.
A/N: Oh another cliffhanger.
I am sorry, angst sex, angst, angst, angst and oh angst again. I don't know if it will go up from here…it might go completely downhill or go up again. Who knows…?
Anyway! Enjoy and review please!