Disclaimer: I don't own L&O SVU or any of the characters in L&O SVU however some characters are figments of my own imagination!
What happens if Fin was too late? What happens if Harris not only forced Olivia to give him oral sex but also vaginally raped her?
Olivia's eyes fluttered open and then closed for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last ten hours. She'd been given another shot of morphine and all it seemed to do was make her sleep, then she'd wake maybe speak and drift straight off again and then have no recollection of waking or speaking.
"El?" She asked.
When no reply came her eyes flew wide open. She looked around and saw that she was alone and her heart began hammering inside her chest.
"Elliot?" She called loudly hoping he was outside.
George Huang came into the room quickly but there was no sign of Elliot.
"Cragen's taken him to get something to eat." Huang explained coming to the side of the bed and taking her hand.
"Oh ok." She nodded. "I just don't want to be alone." She explained.
"I'm sure you don't Liv. How's the pain?" Huang asked.
"A ten." She replied shifting uncomfortably.
"Want me to get the doctor?" He asked.
"No not till I've spoken with Elliot, how long have I slept this time?" She asked turning her head to look at him.
"Ten hours, do you remember waking up at all?"
"No." She shook her head as she answered.
"I'm not surprised the combination of drugs you're on would make any person drift in and out of consciousness." He explained.
"Why what else have the got me on bar morphine?" She asked.
"Anti-inflammatory's, antibiotics and morphine." He replied.
"Sounds like a nice cocktail." Olivia laughed feebly making Huang smile.
"Shame it isn't of the drinking kind." Huang smiled giving her hand a gentle squeeze.
"How is Elliot holding up?" Olivia asked knowing that Huang would be watching his every move and judging his every reaction.
"He's ok. Worried about you but he's ok." Huang replied honestly.
"Good, I'm glad." She nodded.
"How are you holding up Liv?" Huang asked becoming her shrink rather than her friend for a moment.
"I don't even know." Olivia shrugged.
"What do you mean?" Huang asked knowing she was frustrated by the frown on her face.
"I mean I don't know how I am mentally, physically I'm in agony and it's hard to be in so much pain but I am fed up of being unconscious but mentally and emotionally I have no idea what's going on." She explained shrugging and sighing as she spoke.
"Can you pin point any emotion that you're feeling I know there are more but we can work with one." Huang explained.
"I feel ... frightened." Olivia sighed closing her eyes, she hated admitting weakness to anyone.
"What's making you frightened?" Huang asked gently stroking the back of her hand trying to coax her to open up.
"Everything that happens next." Olivia whispered.
"Like?" Huang continued.
"Court." Olivia replied. "Healing, it's not that I don't want to heal obviously, it's just the process of it all." Olivia explained hoarsely.
"I understand, let's talk about court what scares you about that?"
"Having to see him again." Olivia explained. "I want ... I need to ask Casey to plead him out."
"Why do you want her to do that?"
"I don't want to sit in a court room telling people over and over again what he did to me and be cross examined by his lawyer." Olivia replied her tears trickling down her cheek though her eyes were still closed.
"But it's a part of the process Liv, it comes with the healing too, telling your story and making your voice heard and I know you don't need to hear me tell you that." Huang explained.
"I know." She whispered as a sob broke through her lips as much as she had tried to stop it.
"I know it's going to be tough for you, but you have people who love you who are going to be there with you every step of the way."
"I don't want to go to court don't you get it! I want Casey to plead him out and if she doesn't she'll have to subpoena me to be on the stand because I won't do it, I didn't even tell any of you what happened, I told a shrink who broke doctor patient privilege and called Elliot, he confronted me and had he not I would never have told anyone what happened because I didn't want to, I didn't want any of you to know!" Olivia yelled angrily.
"Why didn't you want anyone to know Olivia?" Huang asked calmly already knowing the answer but wanting to see if she'd admit it or not.
"It's none of anyone else's business that's why! I've always managed everything on my own and this was another one of those things, I knew he had no STD's from his prison intake at Central as well as Ashleigh Tyler's blood work and it's so easy to buy emergency contraception over the counter." Olivia explained, her voice weak and broken.
"So you thought you could manage this on your own too." Huang replied. "But why call Doctor Michelle Whitney?"
"Because Elliot made me see that I couldn't do it on my own... I knew that speaking to someone might help and I couldn't speak with Elliot or anyone else down at the one six so I spoke to someone slightly more impartial." Olivia explained trying to make her tears subside by wiping them from her cheeks and keeping her eyes closed.
"Why Michelle though? She was your friend, why chose to disclose to her?" Huang asked knowing there had to be a reason behind it.
"Because I had a feeling she would tell, I knew she wouldn't be able to keep her mouth shut and I think a part of me knowing that thought it would be easier to tell once people knew." She explained before breaking out in more sobs.
Huang just carefully stroked her hand as her other hand covered her eyes trying to hide the tears he could still see falling.
"It's ok Liv." He whispered gently.
"I knew ... I knew once he knew something had happened he wouldn't be able to leave it alone ... it's like I wanted to tell you all but I didn't know how too, when Cragen spoke with me after I left Sealview I was ... I was so close to telling him but then I just couldn't, the thought of seeing his face after telling made me not tell even though I wanted to." Olivia sobbed harder making her words almost inaudible.
"I know Liv, its ok." Huang whispered moving back into being a friend rather than a shrink for a moment knowing that's what Olivia needed him to be.
"I just ... I don't understand everything that happened, I knew I was hurt, I'd seen the blood and I remembered the pain but I didn't even want to think about it, admitting he'd hurt me to anyone was admitting it happened and I didn't want to, locking him up for Ashleigh's rape was enough for me." She explained further.
"But it isn't enough Liv, you deserve justice too, he only got five years for Ashleigh, what he did to you was a heck of a lot more, have your day in court and watch as he goes down for twenty five years." Huang explained.
"He won't get the max, there's no proof of what he did to me." Olivia replied hiccupping as he sobs seized up.
"There is, Cragen sent CSU down to the basement and they found the metal bar, it has his fingerprints and your blood, it's more than enough." Huang explained.
"Oh my God." Olivia cried. "I don't want to! I don't want to go to court and Casey needs to plead him out please don't make me face this, face him again!" Olivia cried as Elliot came into the room followed by Cragen.
"Liv!" Elliot gasped rushing over to her and pulling her into his arms. "What did you say?" He hissed angrily towards Huang.
"We were just talking about what happened." Huang replied.
"Now is not the time!" Elliot snapped.
"Elliot." Cragen whispered placing his hand on Elliot's arm which was wrapped tight around Olivia.
"No! I don't want him shrinking her while she's here, she needs to heal." Elliot snapped. "Now get a doctor, she's in pain."
"How do you know?" Cragen asked.
"By the way she's gripping me and the way she's crying, I know the difference after all these years now get me a doctor!" He snapped angrily.
Cragen nodded and rushed off while Olivia continued to sob into his chest. When the doctor returned she gave Olivia a shot of morphine and it was still at the highest level knocking Olivia out in minutes.
Elliot could only hold her hand while she slept soundly, finally at peace from the horrors she had been made to relive.
Xxx
She slept for another twelve hours, when she woke she saw Elliot fast asleep in one chair beside her bed with Cragen fast asleep in the other. She curled herself up on her side and watched Elliot's even breath making his chest rise and fall gently. A small smile played on her lips while she watched him, all the horrors that had happened didn't seem to be in her mind as she watched the man she loved sleeping soundly. He shifted and woke up to see Olivia's brown eyes staring at him, her smile widened as his opened, he realised how much he wanted to wake to those brown eyes every day.
"Hey." She croaked her voice dry.
"Hey." He smiled coming to sit up. "How are you?" He asked as he took her hand in his own.
"Ok." She nodded weakly, she was still very fatigued and the pain was still excruciating.
"Pain wise?" He asked knowing her to well.
"Off the charts." She replied.
"Want ..."
"No, no more drugs." She replied.
"Olivia ..."
"No Elliot, no more drugs." She said again not wanting to argue with him.
The sound of voices woke up Don Cragen. Olivia's back was too him and he could just about see the top of Elliot's head from where he sat. He didn't move and just listened to his two best detectives talking with one another.
"Liv, baby, if you're in pain you need to take the drugs..."
"Elliot I am fed up of lying here and sleeping all day, I don't even know what day of the week it is or what day in the month anymore, I can't keep up with the amount of hours I've been sleeping and I'm fed up of it." Olivia explained. "What time is it anyway?"
"Three thirty am." He replied looking at his watch.
"Exactly, it's going to take weeks to get a normal sleeping pattern and I just want to get my life back together." She explained her voice cracking.
"Hey." Elliot frowned weakly.
He leant forward and captured her lips in his own and as she kissed him the tears trickled down her cheeks.
"Sorry." She whispered wiping them away.
"Don't apologise Liv, as soon as you're out of here we'll get you better." Elliot replied his thumb rubbing the tear tracks from her skin.
"I just want to get out of here and live again, I feel so helpless being stuck here Elliot, I need to get out of here and get back to work and forget that any of this ever happened." She replied.
"I think Cragen might have a few things to say about you coming back too soon." Elliot replied with a chuckle.
"I'm geared up for an argument." Olivia sighed. "I'm ready to be back, I wouldn't have come after four days if I wasn't. I'm not traumatised from what happened, I've dealt with the mental stuff and just need the physical to heal so I can get back." She explained further.
Elliot knew she hadn't dealt with the mental pain, Olivia wouldn't deal with the mental pain unless she was made too and he knew that wouldn't happen easily.
"Liv ..."
"It's the truth Elliot, the four days that I was off I went over and over what happened and cried a heck of a lot but I'm fine, I've dealt and I just want Casey to plead the bastard out so I can get back to normal. Please don't ask me to take more time than I feel necessary." She explained.
"I think I'm the one who has something to say about that." Cragen replied.
"Cap." Olivia sighed rolling onto her back.
She took the remote for the bed from the side and pushed it so she was sitting upright.
"Olivia, you're not coming back until Huang clears you for active duty do I make myself clear?"
"Cap'n he's not in any position to say whether I'm ready or not, it's my decision not his!" Olivia snapped.
"Olivia I ..."
"No! Don't argue with me about this Cap! I'm more than ready to come back once I heal physically, I'm not mentally scared from this! I haven't got any issues with coming back to work, it won't be a problem, what I went through doesn't make me any less of a detective and I haven't got any issues please don't make me take time off from this." Olivia argued her case as best she could.
"I'm not talking to you about this till you have physically healed Olivia, when we get to that point then we can talk about you coming back ok?" He replied gently.
"Why don't you take my gun and shield now and be done with it?" Olivia snapped curling onto her side her back towards Cragen.
"Olivia ..."
"Don't! You're never going to see me as just a cop ever again, neither is Huang who had to operate on me in my bedroom... just ... just get out! Get out and leave me alone!" She snapped angrily.
One look towards Elliot had Cragen rushing out the room knowing better than to disrespect Olivia's wishes.
"Liv..."
"Don't." She sobbed breaking down again.
Elliot just climbed onto the bed beside her and pulled her into him. She laid her head on his chest and cried herself to sleep. Elliot couldn't move, not that he wanted to but he felt like he should apologise to Cragen for Olivia's behaviour, it was normal for a rape victim to lash out, she wasn't behaving any differently to most rape victims.
Well I hope you enjoyed, taking a break but will be back with the next chapter soon I hope. xx