A/N: Thank you for the overwhelming response to the previous chapter! I'm so happy that you guys love Alison and Mr. Fields' relationship just as much as I do :) I promise that there are still more conversations between them to come. Now, here is Emily's POV. I hope you all enjoy!

Chapter Song Title: "Die From A Broken Heart" - Maddie & Tae

Over the past 8 days, sweat had become my second companion. It soaked through clothing, sheets, and dignity. The chills that traced up and down my extremities were only matched with the cold porcelain I vomited into for what felt like days straight. My exhaustion was paired closely with my insomnia. The only way I could pass the time was sitting straight against Hanna's bedroom wall. Eyes wide open, tingling surging through my veins. The restlessness did continue to provide a light buzz for the first 50 hours, but soon the cramps and fever set in. The buzzing of Hanna's overhead light grew to fill the gaps in my mind when I closed my eyes. Through the first 5 days or so, I was unable to see the end.

I called out. I shouted. I begged.

But days 7 and 8 gleaned clarity. Nausea and fever faded, as did the tingling and insomnia. The sweating stayed though with every ounce of sin and regret pouring through.

It was then that I could remember glimpses of the conversation that led me to this moment.

'You won't like this. But I'm – I'm detoxing a little, but I want to have this con – conversation.'

'You've got to be kidding me…'

'Ali. Alison. Babe, for me to focus on what you're saying right now, I need you to let me take a few. Just two. Okay? Then I can focus.'

'If you reach down to the floor right now to take some fucking pills, I will know exactly who you are, Emily.'

'It's not like you are the fucking shining example of grieving after someone dies, Alison! …unless you wanted the plan to be for me to give up and let everyone else pick up the fucking pieces, then what was I possibly going to gain from solely relying on you?'

'How can you compare losing parents, Han? My father was killed in the line of duty and her mo…'

'Her mom did what, Emily? Please finish your thought because this is rich… you think your loss means more because my mother chose to die!"

'I will not have the conversation with you again until you have because this… this person in front of me is not who you truly are. I love you, Em. But not like this…I need you to leave. Come back when you find my girlfriend.'

Regret and shame were the emotions I related to most. Regret for my words. Shame for my actions. That I couldn't distinguish between scenarios and time frames in our lives to understand the pain that strings loss together.

How bad is it that I hadn't considered Alison's loss of my father?

In my mind, I lost someone. I was the one who was affected by all of this. Alison was a bystander helping me process through the emotions. In hindsight though, Alison lost someone too. In fact, not only did she lose the greatest father in the world, but she lost me also. She experienced twice the loss through my own selfishness.

But what was the alternative? Tracing back through every scenario, I struggled to find a track that did not lead to me taking that first pill. It's what I had been taught. It is what I had practiced. It is what I had internalized as my own way to grieve.

The day after my father passed away was The University of Chicago Athletics Honors. With the end of finals came the university's official goodbye to seniors across all D III sports. As a Junior, it was my first formal invitation to attend and prepare for the excitement I would feel a year later.

But waking up that morning felt more like a cause for mourning than one for celebrating. The simple act of rolling over in the bed already felt like bricks had been stacked upon my chest as I gasped for air.

"Hey there, babe." I heard Alison whisper, her hand immediately reaching over to ground me.

I shook my head, clenching my eyes together willing the tears to not fall.

"I'm right here, Em. Can I hold you? Would that be okay?"

I nodded as my body involuntarily began curling into a ball.

Alison tucked her forearm underneath my head while I shuffled my face toward her chest. Her left leg swung over my hips to tuck me closer into her, my legs tangling around hers. Her right hand cupped my head in her palm while her left hand tucked strands of my hair behind my ear over and over again.

My chest heaved. My body shook. My sobs remained.

Alison lay silent wrapped around me. She used her thumb to wipe away tears. Her lips remained plastered against my temple softly kissing it as she allowed her hand to trace designs into my shoulder.

Sometime later, I calmed down enough to speak for the first time that morning.

"Do I have to go?"

"You don't have to do anything today, love bug. It would be good to go and see your friends before they graduate on Saturday, but we can do whatever you want." Alison slid her hand to comfortably rest on my hip.

"I just don't think that I can do it. My mind feels like it's trapped in mud… does that make any sense?"

"Yeah, it'll feel like that for a while. You're just trying to process everything, babe." Her hand moved from my waist down to the crook of my knee, scratching the back of my leg causing me to shudder, "I'm gonna go make us some breakfast. Do you want pancakes or French toast?"

"French toast, please," I whispered curling into Alison's chest to place a kiss below her collarbone.

"You got it." She replied, kissing my forehead lightly as she peeled herself from me.

From her bedroom, I could hear Alison softly singing in the kitchen as she cooked. Though I had found nothing to smile about over the past 18 hours, Alison was always able to muster a grin from me for the smallest of reasons. This was one of those reasons. I could picture her in her oversized t-shirt reaching for the bread and maple syrup on her tiptoes. I could see her hips swaying side to side as she teasingly danced to the fridge to grab the eggs. And for that, for her innocence, I couldn't help but smile.

My phone began buzzing next to me while my head was still swarming with thoughts of Alison. I sighed, reaching behind me to grab it, noticing that it was my mom.

I took a deep breath before clicking 'Accept,' "Hey there, mom."

"Hey Emmy," she sounded out of breath, assumedly due to crying all morning as well, "I wanted to check in with you today… see how your morning is going."

"I'm not gonna lie, Mom, it's pretty rough." I coughed to cover the cracking in my voice, "But Al is making me breakfast, so maybe things are turning up."

"It's good you have her there, sweetie. Your grandma and aunts are coming in today to take care of everything, so don't worry about me."

The phone filled with silence.

"You know, Emmy, I've said it before, but I really am sorry for how I ever treated your relationship. You're fortunate to have someone like Alison by your side. If she loves you even half as much as your Dad loves… loved m-" she stopped, breaking down into tears on the other line, "Sorry. If she loves you half as much as your Dad loved me, you will forever be happy."

I quickly wiped the tear falling down my cheek, "Yeah, I think we model our relationship a lot off of yours. We were both lucky to find them, Mommy…"

Silence again.

"So Emmy, do you have any plans today?"

"Mm, I don't think so. Ali and I were supposed to go to this Honors banquet for the Athletics department, but I don't think I have it in me."

"Is it important, sweetie? You know, for the team?"

"It's kind of like our end of year event before the athletes' graduate, but you have to get dressed up and everything and – " At this point, I was laying on my back, my hand already covering my eyes at the thought of attending.

"You need to go."

"What?" I questioned, sitting up in the bed to make sure I heard her correctly.

"Tonight. You need to go. Your dad wouldn't want your life to stop on a count of him. He would want to see you continuing to live and living well. Go with Alison and hold your head high knowing how proud your father is of you. Okay?"

"Yeah… okay. I, uh, will talk to Ali and see what we can do."

"Good. That's good. I have to go and get the house ready for everyone, but thank you for talking with me, Emmy. We're going to get through this."

"I know we will. Thank you. Love you and see you soon, okay?"

"Love you."

I rolled myself off the bed, planting my feet beneath me to follow the smell of breakfast into the kitchen.

"Who were you talking to, babe?" she walked toward me, wrapping her arms around my waist.

"It was my mom. She thinks we should go to the Honors thing tonight. Says my dad would want me to keep living."

"Okay…" she placed her forehead against mine, briefly kissing me before continuing, "Only if you want to though," I nodded, "Okay, then let's eat and work ourselves up to going tonight."

My hands made their way up Alison's shirt to place my palms directly on her stomach, massaging her skin with my thumbs. She sighed against me as her lips made their way to mine. I maneuvered my lips up her jawline to her earlobe, nibbling lightly as she moaned. Alison's hands found their usual baseline position: one cupping just under my breasts while the other rested gently on my ass.

I leaned away from her, but her hands stayed in place, "How is that for working ourselves up?"

Breathing heavily, she met my eyes before shaking her head and chuckling as she turned away, "It's not half bad, Em. But I know you're only doing that because you're in pain." She grabbed a full plate as she turned back around, "Here, let's just eat breakfast."

I groaned, "Is it really that terrible if I want you to take my pain away?" I pouted as I sat at the small table by the front door of her dorm room.

Sitting down across from me, she grabbed my hand, "Trust me, I get it." She placed her lips against the back of my hand, "I would love nothing more, sweetheart. But it would put your priorities in the wrong order. We gotta get you well, first."

As the day progressed, Alison and I slowly got ready for the banquet. I watched her effortlessly curl her hair, smile over her shoulder at me as she coyly took off her bra to squeeze into her dress, and without question, drove to my place to grab the dress I had selected while I remained curled in her bed.

When she returned with my dress in tow, I turned to face her smiling, "Thank you, love bug. I haven't told you today, but I love you. A lot."

She hopped onto the bed on all fours, crawling her way to settle above me, "Oh, that's good because I love you too."

I wrapped my arms around her to bring her face to settle on my chest, "You know, on the phone call earlier, my mom told me that I was lucky to have you."

She placed her palm flat on my chest, "Wait. THE Pam Fields?"

I laughed squeezing her closer, "Yeah, THE Pam Fields. It's like she likes you or something."

"Well, that's good to know. I've been working years to perfect that image. Now, how about we get you ready for tonight, Em? I've been thinking all night about being able to show off my breathtakingly beautiful girlfriend."

I looked back on attending that event with regret now. It was one of my worst things that I did for myself during the early stages of my dad passing. That night was my first lesson in how you deal with grief…

You put on a mask and smile. You get dressed up and ignore the aching in your chest. You cover your mascara-stained cheeks with enough concealer that even your deepest suffering is disguised by beauty.

You go take pictures. You let your girlfriend lead you through the night. You laugh because everyone else around you is. You shake hands and participate in menial conversation for the sake of what someone else would have wanted you to do.

But no, you don't grieve.

You don't take the time to wallow in the water building in your chest. You don't wade in the emotions that slowly begin to rise. You don't give yourself the right to test your ability to swim. You don't allow yourself to process your loss, so you sink.

You sink back into yourself because the mask is more comfortable than reality.

And when I rose again, gasping for air, I was draped on a blow-up air mattress 2 feet from Hanna's bed. I had sweat trailing off my body another countless time.

Hanna was asleep on her side facing me. As I began panting to fill my lungs with air, Hanna's eyes shot open, "What the fu-?!"

"It's just me. Another weird sleep thing… sorry, Han."

She sat up running her hands through her hair, "Jesus Christ, Em. I thought you were getting over this shit."

"I am. I am. Ugh – it just takes time, and every time I sleep, my brain just starts swirling with everything I was pushing away. I'm sorry…"

Hanna turned off of her bed, leaving her legs to hang off the bed as she spoke to me, "You know you don't have to apologize, but I can't keep being woken up like this. Every time Caleb sees me, he asks if I even slept the night before. This shit is traumatic."

"I get it." I mumbled, standing up and grabbing my pillow, "I'll go sleep in the living room." I ambled toward the door and turned around as I reached the threshold, "I promise. I'm going to go talk to Ali soon. I'm just trying to get my thoughts together, now that I'm thinking straight and all."

"Good. Better her than me…" Hanna muttered as she turned back over to lay down.

I rolled my eyes at Hanna's comment knowing that her insensitivity came from her being woken up and not from her true emotions. After 8 days of taking care of me during my withdrawals, I understood her frustration. We had been friends for years, but she hadn't signed up for this. She didn't know that shaking my hand in 7th grade would lead to her holding my shaking body as I ran a fever in the midst of detoxing. 'Thank you' would never be enough.

I pulled the blanket laying on top of the couch over my body to attempt to sleep once again. Just as she had done the day of the banquet, I curled my legs into myself crossing my legs over each other to copy Alison's leg movements. I wrapped my left arm in a V-shape across my chest while tucking my hair behind my ears over and over again with my right hand in attempts to calm myself down enough to sleep. If Alison couldn't be here with me, I could at least mimic her actions when she slept next to me. With my eyes closed, I could still imagine her beside me.

If I could just fall asleep, I wouldn't have to imagine what the past 8 days had been like without her.

A/N: And there you have it! Two perspectives and two forms of grief. My favorite part of writing this so far is looking at the different ways grief takes shape. I'm excited to write the next chapter which starts trying to bring the girls back together. We're on the home stretch, but still have quite a few more stories to tell before wrapping this one up.

As always, thank you for the support and kind words. This community makes it all worth it.

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-secretpen28