Buttercup

"So this happened two years ago," I said, "When I was 16."

"Oh I see..." he murmured in reply.

"Yeah. So I had a huge crush on this boy in my class named Marcus," I took a sharp breath as I said his name. Brought too many bad memories.

"Hmm..." said Butch, thoughtfully, "Why though?"

"Why what?"

"Had a crush on this dude?"

"Oh," I said, "Because he was popular. And so handsome. The reasons why all the girls had crushes on him honestly. I was all over him. I would dream and daydream about him so much, like..."

I trailed off. Butch was staring into the distance, with an odd expression on his face. I sensed my story was hurting him somehow. I should have crossed out the daydreaming part.

"Hey," I said, placing my hand on his arm, "Are you okay?"

My question brought him out of his stupor.

"Yeah I'm fine," he replied nonchalantly, "Was just wondering. Continue your story."

"Wondering about what?" I asked, curiously.

He looked at me and sighed. And then smiled.

"The part where you told me you were crushing on this dude, led me to wonder did you ever crush on me?"

The question caught me by surprise, "What?"

"Yeah. Like, first I approached you, right? So I was crushing on you. But you weren't."

"Does it matter?" I asked him.

He fixed his eyes on the distance again, "No it doesn't. It was just a thought. Continue your story."

But I wouldn't continue the story. Because the love I had for even millions of Marcuses put together was very small compared to the love I had for Butch. And the importance.

I wrapped my arms around his arm and leaned into him, "I'm sorry if my story hurt you."

"No, it didn't,"

"Yes, it did. So I won't continue it."

"But I want to know what keeps holding you back from it."

"Well, I have got over this, so it's okay," I said, looking at him.

When he didn't reply, I said, "Okay I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't crush on you as hard as I did on Marcus. But honestly, I liked you, Butch. I really did before you asked me out. I just freaked out because you are my teacher. That's it."

I looked at him expectantly, waiting for his answer. Finally, he sighed and looked back at me.

"I'm acting like a child, ain't I?"

"No, you're not. It's perfectly fine." I replied, moving closer to him.

"It's just that you could fall for a guy so hard and then you freak out over another..."

"Oh my God, Butch! What did I just tell you?" I exclaimed, "He was a stupid choice while you are my teacher. But no matter how much love I held for Marcus, it is nothing compared to what I have for you. I promise."

I leaned up to kiss his cheek, making him smile.

"Okay, okay. I get it. Now I want you to continue your story."

"Are you sure?" I asked in concern.

"Yeah I'm completely sure," he replied, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

"Okay if you say so..."

I cleared my throat and started again.

"So I had a crush on Marcus and knew that this crush was hopeless. Since there was no way he would like me back. But suddenly, things went pretty unbelievable at a class party one of Marcus's friend threw."

"The whole class was invited to the friend's house and I was pretty pumped up. Firstly, because my best friend was also coming, and secondly because Marcus would be there. So I went there, all dressed up in a dress I bought for the occasion with my hair down and stuff. I was lounging with my best friend mostly because both of us didn't like to indulge too much with the other people and that's when the music started playing for pair dancing. My best friend was asked at once but I declined the offer I got because I don't like to dance. But then suddenly, as I watched my best friend dance so beautifully with a guy, Marcus was standing beside me."

"I didn't notice him at first but when he said my name, I immediately did."

"He offered me a dance and I didn't know what to do. Say yes because it was my crush or say no because I dance horribly. So I said yes of course. He asked me out during the dance, making me excited all over."

I stopped to catch my breath.

"And that dance led to our first date," I went on, "It went pretty smoothly, to be honest. I expected myself to be sweating buckets but I aced the day! And Marcus was proving to be a really nice guy."

"So was he actually? A really nice guy?" Butch asked me, as I fixed my loose ponytail.

"Oh no...he was the worst," I answered, shuddering, "He was just pretending."

"Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah! So we officially became a couple after three to four dates. Everybody, my best friend included, was pretty shocked at this turn of events. Well, mainly because Marcus liked to date the 'posh' girls where I obviously didn't belong. But also because I was one of the few girls who actually got a crush who liked them back."

I paused to laugh at the memory. Painful as it was, I just couldn't help reliving those days of me turning into an introvert girl to an exclusive diva overnight.

"I like to hear you laugh," Butch said, interrupting my thoughts, "It makes me feel...contended."

I smiled at him, "Aww how sweet of you."

"Not sweet," he replied, grinning, "but honest."

I laughed at the comment, making him laugh too. Truth to be told, I loved it too when he laughed.

"Okayyy so...Marcus and I became a thing. But...my parents did not like him when they met him."

"Really? How come?"

"Well...you know my dad's a policeman and my mum's a lawyer, right?" I said, "So they intend to judge people very quickly. And most of the time they are right. But I was in so much love with Marcus, I turned deaf to whatever my parents had to say about him and when they tried to warn me. If only...if only I had listened to them..."

"Harsh..." Butch said. I nodded, sighing, "Yeah..."

"So, how long did you guys date?"

"Um...for a pretty short time actually. Only three months..."

"Three months?" he echoed, "What led to the breakup?"

"I am coming to that..." I said softly, staring into the black abyss above me, "It happened on Marcus 17th birthday. He planned this huge party in a club his parents owned. He was rich, actually. Everybody was very excited and I was too. Because Marcus told me that I would be the most special guest there. So...the party happened and some hours into it, he pulled me aside from others and told me he had a surprise for me, in one of the more private rooms. I - I trusted Marcus with my whole heart at that time so I followed him. And that...that was where it happened."

"Where what happened?" Butch asked. I gulped in my feeble attempts to remove the lump that was forming in my throat, but it wasn't budging. So I continued in a heavy voice,

"He took me to this room...and he hooked up with me."

Butch's eyes widened, "Just like that?"

I nodded, "Just like that. But I...I wasn't ready! Oh, Butch, it was horrible!" I suddenly exclaimed, the tears that I had been holding up released and ran down my face, 'He particularly molested me! And oh! It was so painful!"

"Hey hey Buttercup. Calm down!" Butch said, pulling me close to him. I buried my face in his neck and cried. Every time I thought or talked about this, I end up crying. I just couldn't help it.

"It was so horrible! He didn't even ask for my permission first! He just...ordered me as if I was his mistress or something! I tried to resist but deep down, I knew I was thinking that no matter how much I disliked it, I had to give it to him because...because he wants it."

"Excuse me?!" Butch exclaimed at my words, "What do you mean, had to give it to him just because he wants it?"

"I was very stupid before," I replied, wiping my eyes, "Very, very stupid."

"Then what happened?"

"Then..." I looked at Butch, "He dumped me."

His mouth dropped open, "What?!"

"Yeah," I said, feeling a new wave of sorrow, "It turned out that he only wanted to hook up with me, that's it. But since he knew what the professions of my parents were, he decided to play it nice."

"Harsh..." Butch commented, in a slightly disbelieving voice.

"Tell me about it."

We both fell silent for a moment. I did, because of having to relive the traumatic memories and he did, probably waiting for the story to sink in completely.

I held my head in my hands, trying to think about how I would handle the next step. But I knew I had to do it. It was now or never.

I took a deep breath to compose myself, then started to speak.

"Butch, I hope..." I stopped, failing to string words together.

"Yeah?" he asked, waiting for me to go on.

"I - I hope now you understand. About how I'm not ready for this..."

I looked at him, looking for traces for hurt but thankfully, there were none. He merely sighed.

"I understand," he replied, not looking at me, "If you are not ready for this yet, then I won't push you. I am not that a - hole Marcus."

I leaned on his shoulder, "Of course you are not. You are infinite times better than him."

My comment made him smile, which made me smile back.

"It's just that, why do you still dwell on something which is in the past?" he wondered.

I shook my head, "If you mean about how I am not read - "

"Yes, I am talking about that," he cut in, "I am sorry to say this, Buttercup, but I have to."

"It's okay, " I murmured, knowing well enough what he was gonna say.

"Well...do you judge boys based on what you saw in Marcus? Do you think because he doesn't deserve a chance, the other don't deserve a chance as well?" he asked, with accusation in his voice.

Surprised, I shook my head yet again. This was not what I was expecting.

"No, Butch! Of course I don't judge other guys based on Marcus!" I exclaimed.

"Then why, Buttercup?"

I looked up to see his eyes, so beautiful and deep, and having some sense of plead.

I felt another lump forming in my throat just by looking at him. I felt so...so...guilty. He had been doing so much for me lately. Waking up every night to teach me, even though a goodnight sleep is vital. Being my best friend whom I could tell everything. Someone who always made me laugh and hated it when I was sad.

He had been so helpful...so sweet and caring...and this was my return to him. Rejecting his wish. I was in such a tight position, I didn't even know what to do.

"Buttercup?" Butch said, making me snap back into reality, "Are you okay? Listen, I am sorry I said all those things. I can be a major jerk sometimes." he finished, running a hand through his hair, looking embarrassed.

I couldn't take it anymore. I burst into tears and hugged him tightly.

"Oh no!" I sobbed in his shirt, "You are not a jerk! You are the most wonderful person I have ever met, Butch! And I love you from the depths of my heart! I am the one being a jerk!"

"Whoa whoa," I heard him say, "It's okay, baby. Come here."

He pulled me more closer until I sat sideways on his lap. With my face still buried in his shirt, I tried to calm down and talk reasonably.

"You are not a jerk, Buttercup," he whispered into my ear, sending pleasing chills down my spine, "It's just the circumstances that brought you her - "

"No. It's not only the circumstances, Butch, " I interrupted, finally pulling back, "It's not Marcus. I try to forget him every now and then. But the real reason of...why I am not ready for this...is because I just am not. My parents were really disappointed and angry after I told them what Marcus did. They first made sure it wasn't rape, then they said to never meet him again and try not to repeat the act. So...so that's why. I - I am not sure about out of wedlock...you know.."

I trailed off and wiped my eyes.

"I am so sorry if any of this is hurting you, Butch," I continued, looking at him, "But...I don't have a choice...I hope you understand."

He smiled and pulled back strands of hair from my face wet with tears.

"Hey, Buttercup, look, I understand. And you know what? I don't care if I'll get it or not," he took my hands in his and kissed the knuckles of both, "I only care about if you are here with me, by my side. That's the only thing that matters."

I smiled gratefully, "Thanks Butch."

Pulling up the hem of my blouse, I wiped my face, making it dry.

"And Buttercup?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you, too."

I smiled again and traced his jawline with my finger, "Can I kiss you?"

He laughed, "You don't need to ask. Just barge in."

I grinned and leaned up to kiss him.

A thousand waves of pleasure burst inside my body once my lips touched his. We shared a deep passionate kiss, with my arms around his neck and his around my waist. I didn't want this to end.

But eventually, it did.

"Come on, we need to go back to bed," said Butch, standing up.

"Sure. Right behind you!" I replied, getting up myself.

We went back to the dorms and after a goodnight kiss, separated our ways.

Brute was sleeping soundly when I entered our dorm. I felt a pang of guilt. She was my best friend and I still hadn't shared any of this with her. Was I really a horrible person?

Shaking my head to clear the thoughts, I changed silenty into my night dress and crawled under my covers. Sleep came before more thoughts did and I dozed off. Fortunately.