Author's note: Heaps to tell... please read me!
For inspiration for this chapter, I made a magazine cover all about Merlin and Arthur. The magazine cover technically is only for the next chapter and chapters after that... but I didn't see any harm in posting it today since nothing on the cover is anything that isn't expected of later chapters.
To see the magazine cover (as well as the cover for The Prince's Boyfriend I made a few years back...) please go and find the link at the top of my profile. If that doesn't work, either look me up on Twitter (via my penname, VioletRose136) or check out my blog (type 'Even the Wicked Get the Blues' into Google and click on the 'Keep Calm and Read the Book' link to find it).
Also, my new avatar is based around the protagonist of my own (unpublished) novel that I wrote last year, it was drawn by my amazing and talented friend Marianne... so I'd like to give a shout out to her, thanks for the great avatar, Marianne! :)
I hope you enjoy this chapter! Thank you all for your fantastic reviews! D'you all think we can hit 200 reviews before we get to chapter fifteen? ;)
- VioletRose136
Chapter Eleven
I'll keep you my dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
Just another regret
Hope you can keep it
My dirty little secret
Merlin was so angry that he couldn't see, he couldn't hear and he couldn't think. He stormed through the entrance hall and to the front door. Grabbing his jacket, he yanked the front door open just as Gwaine came rushing in from the kitchen. Seeing Merlin's bedraggled form and turning to see Arthur rushing down the steps, Gwaine wondered what could possibly have gone wrong in paradise.
"Merlin – wait." He said, stepping fully out of the kitchen, in one hand he had a pitcher of water and around the waist Gwaine wore his Kiss the Cook! apron he had gotten for Christmas from Merlin.
Merlin turned his eyes ablaze with anger. "What?" He hissed.
Gwaine looked from Arthur who was halfway down the stairs to Merlin, who stood with one foot out the door, looking at him with cutting angry blue eyes. Gwaine took another glance at Arthur who seemed to be quietly pleading with him to say something useful. Looking away, Gwaine fixed his eyes on Merlin.
"The hell happened to you?"
"Why don't you ask him?" Merlin suggested, nodding towards Arthur, his voice cutting and mean. "After all, he's the lying bastard here. Not me."
And with that, Merlin slammed the door shut, leaving Arthur and Gwaine in a very painful silence. Arthur stared at the door like a puppy would after its master had left it without both food and water. Gwaine slowly turned to Arthur.
"What the fuck," He said slowly, picking his words carefully. "Happened up there?"
Shaking his head and biting his lip, Arthur shook his head and sunk down onto the stairway. "I… I don't know. He wanted to come out as a couple and I said that I didn't want to… and things got out of hand. We got angry."
"I can see that." Gwaine sighed. "Why don't you want to come out as a couple? Is it because of the way you think people will react to having an openly gay prince?"
"No."
"Then what's stopping you? Merlin thinks he's ready for public life… so why not come clean and announce that you are a couple?"
"Because… because for the past year Merlin and I have been happy. I can't imagine that ending, thrusting Merlin into the spotlight like that. My family is at the centre of media spotlight in England – hardly a week goes by when Morgana and Edward Cavendish aren't pictured on the cover of Hello - I can't imagine thrusting Merlin into the centre of that, Merlin deserves privacy… unlike me and my family, he's not on the government payroll, he's not from the royal family, he doesn't give the media reason to bother him. But if they knew that he's my boyfriend? Insanity would strike; people would be hiding in the bushes. Everyone would ignore the media blackout simply to get a picture of me and him together. There would be so many photos of us submitted that the university wouldn't know how to make heads or tails of it. I don't want to put Merlin through that."
"You can't ignore it forever, Arthur." Gwaine said, going back into the kitchen. Arthur followed.
"I can for a few more years."
"No, you can't. Arthur, you talk about wanting to keep Merlin away from all that but by doing so you're lying to him. If you really love Merlin, Arthur… if you love him enough to think that you might want to spend your life with him, then you can't keep him safe like this. You have to show him the truth… you have to show him that being with you involves being in the media spotlight."
"He knows that I have to be in the spotlight."
"Yes, he knows about it, but he doesn't know what it's actually like. You want to spend your life with Merlin, don't you?"
"Yes… more than anything."
"Then stop making him think that being with you is the same as being with any other guy. You're going to be a King one day, Arthur… you were born into a life of magnificence and fame. You can't escape it and you shouldn't make Merlin think that you can. And when you're king, if Merlin stands a chance at being accepted into the royal family, if he stands a chance at being your consort, he needs to know what he's in for."
"But…"
"Look at what happened to your own mother, Arthur."
Arthur cut him a sharp glance. "You know nothing about what happened to my mother."
"I'm not going to pretend I know what happened inside your family between your mother and your father, I'm not going to pretend that I know how it felt to lose your mother at such a young age. But everyone knows what happened to your mother, Arthur. Everyone knows that she married your father when she was eighteen because she was the only virgin in the country –"
"Stop!" Arthur said.
"Hear me out, Arthur: she agreed to marry your father before she had known him three months. She married him after she had known him a year. You were born eleven months into their marriage. Your father became King two years later. At twenty she was forced to be the beautiful young Queen, the companion to the man who wanted to be portrayed as a great King. It was pressed upon her, at the age of twenty that she had to be adoring and kind and always beautiful no matter what. And what was her childhood?"
"Shut up, Gwaine."
"Her childhood had consisted of going to a lovely posh girl's school in the middle of Shropshire that was later considered by WB as the site for Hogwarts. After that she went to finishing school in Sweden and when she returned to England when she was eighteen? She was thrust by her father – the Duke of Buckingham – to meet and marry the Prince. Did she have any experience with media spotlight? No. Did she know what it was like not to have any privacy? No. Did she even know how to be an adult? No. She knew nothing about what she was getting into, Arthur. She may have thought that she loved your father – may have even loved him – but that wasn't enough. I've seen the documentaries, Arthur. I know that the public knew she wasn't really happy. I know that the pressure of being in the public eye did nothing to help her marriage to your father. I'm not asking to know more. I'm telling you right now though, if you marry Merlin and he doesn't know inside out what he's getting into – the marriage won't last. I don't know if it will end as tragically as your mother and father's marriage did, but I'm telling you that it won't last: it will make Merlin miserable." Gwaine sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "You love Merlin and Merlin loves you. But if Merlin decides to marry you in a year or in five years or in ten years – you owe it to him to let him know what he's in for. When he makes the decision to say yes, he has to know that he's saying yes to spending his life in the media spotlight, as a public person with little privacy – not just saying yes to spending his life with you."
"I can't put Merlin through that…"
"Then break up with him now, Arthur." Gwaine snapped. "You were born this way. You can't change it. If you're going to keep on lulling him into this false existence then you're lying to him. If you can't break away from it or you can't imagine thrusting him into a life of media aggression because you love him too much and can't put that strain on him – then leave him. The most important thing in a relationship is truth: and at the moment I don't see you being truthful worth a damn with him."
And with that, Gwaine turned and left the kitchen. Arthur considered going after him but then decided against it: Gwaine was right… after university ended and Arthur had completed his military training, he would return to London, return to public engagements and the upper most of British society. He would spend his days as a royal and Merlin had to know that. He went into the living room and flopped down on the couch and turned on MTV, later flipping to CNN but was unable to focus on anything, not even the lamest, most dramatic shows on television which aired on MTV. At about seven he heard the front door open and close and Merlin came through the kitchen into the living room. He said nothing to Arthur but went to the coffee table and picked up the few textbooks he had left there. Arthur muted the TV and leaned forward.
"Merlin…"
No response. Arthur tried again.
"Merlin –"
"Shut up and leave me alone."
Well, at least he was talking to him.
"Look, about what I said earlier…"
"I don't care, Arthur."
"You do care and we both know it."
Merlin looked up at Arthur, his blue eyes flashing with anger. "You don't know anything. I thought you did, but clearly you don't. You underestimate me, you underestimate how much I care about you and you underestimate our relationship. If you knew anything those would be the three things you had faith in. Fuck you."
"Merlin –"
"Leave me alone." Merlin snapped and he left the room.
At dinner Merlin still refused to talk to Arthur, ignoring even a request to pass the salt. Percival noticed this silence and tried to draw Merlin into a conversation and failed, Merlin talked pleasantly to Gwaine and Percival but refused to answer anything Arthur said After dinner had been cleared up, Merlin didn't join the others in the living room to watch TV and stayed in the living room trying to focus on studying, although his thoughts were far from his work. He went to bed early and could not sleep for a very long time. He had just drifted off when the door creaked open.
"Merlin?"
Arthur.
Merlin's chest cried out towards that voice, wanting Arthur to embrace him and tell him that this had all been a mistake, that he still loved him and still wanted to be with him. But Merlin didn't reply, didn't say anything as he kept his back turned from the door, staring at the open window. After a moment the door closed and Arthur walked across the room and sat on Merlin's bed.
"Merlin… about what I said earlier, what I implied… I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I was angry and worried and surprised and it was the wrong reaction."
"Do tell." Merlin replied, still refusing to look at him. "How on earth could telling me you don't care about me be the wrong thing to say? I'm so surprised."
"Merlin…" Arthur groaned and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm trying to apologise here. Will you please listen to me?"
No response. Arthur decided to go ahead.
"I'm a fuckwit. I'm a stupid narrow-minded fuckwit. I shouldn't have said what I said earlier and for what it's worth, I want you to know that I didn't mean it. I still love you madly and I would give up my rights and my titles in a moment if I had to choose between you and them. I just… I knew you'd been upset lately and to know that it's because we aren't public… I was surprised and scared."
"Why?"
"Because… because I believe the media killed my mother. I believe that without being in the public eye, my father would have had the chance to love her as she deserved and that she wouldn't have been under the stress she was. Because of her requirement to keep up the image of a beautiful, majestic Queen, she became anorexic trying to lose the baby weight caused by Morgana. She suffered with anorexia for the rest of her life; she became so obsessed with what people thought of her that she simply couldn't stand to be herself. She had to be the perfect Queen everyone wanted. My mother was an amazing, inspirational woman and I believe wholeheartedly that she could still be living today if she hadn't been forced and barred into a public life when she was."
"And you don't want to put me through that."
"No," Arthur agreed. "I don't. I love you too much. I don't want you to suffer the same way my mother did because you're perfect as you are. What the public wants might not be who you are. I'm scared of what it will to do you. Coming out as gay is going to be a hell of a ride, but it was going to have to happen sometime… I've always thought about the day that I'd have to come out and yet I'd never thought about the person I'd come out for, how I'd feel about them. You complete me, Merlin. You're the peanut butter to my jelly, the apple to my pie –"
"Okay, okay, enough with the bad comparisons." Merlin said, sitting up and looking at Arthur. "Is there anything else you want to say?"
"I want to come out as a couple." Arthur told Merlin. "I want to do it now, while you still can get out of it if it becomes too much. If I marry you, I want you to say yes, both to me and becoming a royal. It can't be ignored forever and I want you to know what you're getting into, first. I don't want you coming into the royal family unarmed. But yes, I agree… we've been together a year and I haven't even told my father: I need to get some balls and come out with it."
"Okay." Merlin leaned over and kissed Arthur. "I'm sorry about what I said, too. It was mean. I should have listened to you."
"You don't know what it's like to have a destiny that you can't escape." Arthur kissed Merlin back, a long and slow kiss. "And I said the wrong things. You were completely right to be angry with me."
"Mmm." Merlin replied. "Well you were being kind of a prat…"
oOo
Three weeks later
Friday, 26th March 2004
"For the first time since his arrival in the US last year, Britain's own Prince Arthur has done something no other student at his university could possibly dream of: he has rented out the entire of the Kennedy Centre for a private party. During the party, we have been told that the cast of Wicked have been invited down from New York City's Broadway to perform in front of the prince and his group of guests, among who are the Crown Prince of Spain, pop singer Lisa Carruthers and the vice president of the United States. I wonder what inspired this ornate glittering affair. I now turn you over to Tom, who is live at the Kennedy Centre, eagerly awaiting the arrival of the prince and his date. Any ideas on who the special girl might be, Tom?"
"Yes, hello Alice, no I don't have any idea who the Prince will be bringing tonight. I'm standing in the entrance hall eagerly awaiting the arrival of the guests…"
Arthur leaned back and looked out at the dimming twilight, casting shadows over the city he had come to love as his own home.
Merlin's birthday was to be a glittering affair. Arthur had decked out Merlin's favourite building in the world – the Kennedy Centre – and had planned out a magnificent party for him. All of their friends were invited – as well as several famous faces whom Arthur had met through his long years in the spotlight. Merlin was awaiting the event with anticipation and eagerness, while Arthur awaited it with dread. Along with Merlin's birthday party, the Kennedy Centre would be were Arthur revealed his relationship with Merlin to the world. He planned to kiss him when they entered last, while flashbulbs were going off, documenting the moment. Tomorrow, he realized, sitting back into the leather seat of the limo, the photo of him kissing Merlin – which had yet to be taken – would probably be on the cover of every newspaper in the world. Saying he was nervous was definitely an understatement.
Merlin reached over and grasped Arthur's hand. "It's going to be okay." He whispered. "I'll be with you. And once we do it, we'll have to go in and watch the play… we won't have much time to talk to reporters."
Arthur took a deep breath and nodded. "I know… I'm just scared. I know this is the right thing to do… but I can't help but be afraid. I'm sorry."
"Don't be." Merlin squeezed his hand and smiled.
They arrived at the Kennedy centre about ten minutes later. Cameramen and reporters lined the streets, trying to catch a glimpse of who the Prince was bringing with him. The windows were very much tinted so they couldn't see much and teenage girls across America who were eagerly watching MTV's coverage of the event were disappointed not to see the one girl who had stolen the heart of the prince.
Merlin and Arthur drove into the car park and got out of the car, they were greeted by the president of the Kennedy Centre, a balding man who looked very proper and filthy stinking rich. After they had exchanged pleasantries, they were led by an usher into the doors outside the entrance hall. The girl, a redhead at about twenty three smiled at the pair.
"We'll be ready for your entrance in just a moment, sir."
Arthur smiled at her. "Thank you."
She hurried away and Merlin turned to Arthur. "I feel as if I'm about to go to my own execution."
"I'm not going to lie. I feel the same way." Arthur groaned and ran a sweaty hand through his hair, messing it up. Merlin laughed and stepped closer to Arthur, fixing his hair. He kissed Arthur briefly: it didn't matter who saw them now, they would be going public in only a few minutes.
"We're going to be okay." He said although his heart was pounding. "We're going to walk through there and I'm going to look around in amazement at how wonderful everything is and then you're going to kiss me and we're going to walk into the theatre and watch the play, when we come out we're going to have cocktails and get horrendously drunk and talk to our guests and go home."
"And after that?"
"I don't know." Merlin admitted. "But I know that we'll get through it together."
"I love you." Arthur whispered, leaning his forehead against Merlin's.
Merlin smiled. "Good. I love you more."
The redheaded girl returned. "Okay, sirs. We're ready for your entrance."
Arthur took a big breath, his hand found Merlin's and he held on tightly. "Okay. I guess I'm ready too."
Merlin squeezed Arthur's hands as they positioned themselves in front of the doors and the girl hurried away again. Over the intercoms they heard the voice of the president of the Kennedy Centre.
"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my personal honour to present to you all tonight: all the way from Great Britain His Royal Highness Arthur, the Prince of Wales and Mister Merlin Emrys!"
The doors opened and before Arthur knew it, he was walking on a red carpet into a grand ornate hall and cameras were going wild. The hall held about three hundred people and the work to decorate it appeared to have cost well over one hundred thousand dollars – which it had. An ice sculpture of a lion – the Pendragon crest rested on an ornate maroon embroidered silk table cloth surrounded by artful appetizers and cakes of all shapes, sizes and flavours.
Merlin didn't have to fake his delight. "Oh, Arthur…" he breathed. "This is amazing, you shouldn't have."
Arthur brought their interlinked hands up to his mouth and kissed the back of Merlin's hands. The cameras went crazy. Arthur smiled at Merlin.
"I know I shouldn't have, but I wanted to. You're amazing and I love you. You deserve the best on all occasions."
Merlin smiled, tears springing to his eyes. He had never, never, never once dreamed in his entire life that he could feel a love so pure, so true and so real and yet he did… he loved a man who loved him back in its entirety. An amazing man, who was going to make the greatest King England and the world, would ever know.
"Are you ready?" Merlin murmured, turning towards Arthur.
"Yes." Arthur answered: and surprisingly, he was ready. He was ready to reveal this secret about himself, ready to let the world know how he felt about Merlin.
"Good."
Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur's neck and Arthur rested his hands on Merlin's hips. Merlin leaned in and kissed Arthur, his soft lips pressing against Arthur's, his tongue pressing against Arthur's, begging for entrance. Arthur allowed it as he kissed Merlin deeper. Usually royals didn't engage in such passionate displays of affection but today he was making an exception. He loved Merlin and wasn't ashamed of it. Drawing his arms up tightly around Merlin's back, he kissed him harder.
The cameras went wild.