Chapter Eleven

Dissipate

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Because that's who we are and what we do. Wasting, wasting, wasting… That's all it is.

Wasting away…

We try to keep our hearts as one, keep our spirits and souls locked together so we never have to let go. You've got your bubble, your shield that keeps everything away. You're in your naïve bliss and it seems like nothing can touch you because you're in love, and what is more impenetrable than love?

I now know that answer to that: many, many things.

You like to think that love is invincible, you like to think that it never fails, but look all around you. Divorce, cheating, fall-outs. It happens way too much. So what makes you think that your love will work? Maybe solidity is a good thing. Maybe being alone is the way to go. You're only lonely when you're truly alone, and, well, there's people all around me right now.

His arms are around you, his lips are at your ear, but it feels wrong, fake. You kiss him back but the taste of him is bitter, like yourself. Because you know, God, you know.

You saw him. You saw the whole thing and you couldn't believe it.

Wasting away…

Your feelings scatter and shatter until they're nothing, and you can't believe that you were ever attracted to this man. You can't believe that the sound of his voice turned you on even when he was just asking for another beer. You can't believe that you ever trusted him with your greatest fears, hopes, and dreams. You can't believe that you put it all out there, that you let yourself fall, all the while thinking that he was going to catch you. You can't believe that he knows every last bit of you, you can't believe that in some ways he knows you better than yourself.

You can't believe that you gave him all of yourself, can't believe that you called the world your own, you can't believe that you were so ready to invest yourself truly, honestly, and wholly into this relationship.

You can't believe that you took that ring. Back then it was a sign of commitment and of love. It was the single greatest promise you'd ever received, and you cherished it. Now it's a mockery, a giant, flashing neon sign screaming how stupid you were to trust him again.

Then you're guilty. You went to him, not the other way around. You caught him by surprise, you let yourself and him get caught up in the moment. But why did he give in if he wasn't willing? Why did he offer you that ring if he wasn't ready to give himself up like you had?

No one forced him to, and that just makes you mad. Furious. Angry.

Your lips whisper the words, and you realize just how true they are. They describe you, your relationships, and your life to the dot. Two wimple words, four syllables, and an entire novel of meaning.

"Wasting away."

A/N: I know this chapter doesn't make a lot of sense, but next chapter will clear it up a lot. This is fast-forwarded into the future by at least a month, and next chapter will go back in time, if that makes sense. Oh, and remember… "Road to Nowhere." AKA: not a happy ending, necessarily.

Also, sorry for taking so long to update. School just started and I've been lacking inspiration and time... Well, you all know how that goes.

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