A/N: I like the Chobits references I keep putting in. It fits very nicely. Fai and Chobits go together nicely, I think. I just barely saved this chapter from filler-dom... But it was supposed to be one anyway. Next chapter is their first date! In time for V-Day! I'm thinking of putting in a bonus chapter for V-Day, a DouWata thing... I'm eventually going to do it anyway, but I don't know when a good time is... *sigh* Anyway, enjoy! (BTW, the song last chapter was "Pain" by Three Days Grace, I forgot to put it down.)
Gothix, Lesson Five: Transition Time
Fai watched as Kurogane went into the building before sliding down in his seat, hyperventilating. He pressed his forehead to the steering wheel, feeling like his heart would burst from his throat if he stayed straight. "Holy fuck, what?" he groaned, rubbing his temples. That was the most wracking fifteen minutes of his life. He pulled out his cell phone, hitting speed-dial.
"Hello?" Sakura called, sounding completely smug. Fai instantly launched into a long burst of swearing and incoherent yelling, continuing until he ran out of breath.
"Uhm," the girl mumbled, "Can you repeat that? I didn't understand a word. But I assume you're mad?"
Fai took a deep breath, closing his eyes, "Yes, I'm mad," he murmured, "But I'm also so incredibly happy that I can't even tell you! You get chocolates and flowers for this one!"
Sakura giggled, "You bet. So, what happened?"
"I took him home, and now I'm going to be taking him back and forth from school until his car is fixed."
Fai babbled on happily for a while, until Sakura interrupted him, "Fai, we do need to talk about this."
"We?"
"Watanuki, Shaoran, and myself. There's…. a lot you should know about him before you get serious."
Fai sighed, "There's a lot you need to know about me, too," he whispered, hanging up after a long, awkward silence. He slumped forward in his seat, suddenly completely drained. Every bit of happiness in his body seemed to flee from him, and he had no more strength to try and hang onto it. He dug his nails into his palms until he felt them bite deep into the skin.
A chill fell across his skin, and he shivered, finally turning his car back on. He drove home in silence, wondering if he could possibly be happy.
Once, I lost something precious to me; it hurt very badly. The time after I lost my precious thing was very painful… but one day, I will be able to reclaim that precious thing.
"Oh, mom," Fai mourned, "I can never find what I lost… Because it died. I can't allow myself to loose it again…"
XxXxXxX
It was far too early for someone to be this cheery. Kurogane stared blankly at Fai as the blonde chattered about… something… He was too sleepy to figure out what. Apparently, Fai believed in arriving on time for school; normally Kurogane would sleep to the last possible moment (unless he had morning practice for kendo or basketball), then pull on jeans, brush his teeth, then jet. But, no… Fai came at least thirty minutes earlier than Kurogane was used to, every single day.
"How much coffee do you freaking drink!?" Kurogane blurted, already exhausted from listening to Fai for all of… two minutes. God, for an emo kid, he was really happy.
Fai blinked, falling silent, like he was thinking, "I don't drink coffee in the mornings, Kuro-chuu."
"So you're just stupid, then."
"That's not nice," Fai whined, his eyes trained on the road for the first time that morning.
Kurogane snorted, "I don't care," he informed the blonde, "As long as it will get you to shut up."
"You could've just asked," the freshman mumbled, chewing on his lip. He slowed for a stoplight, one of the few on their route, drumming his fingers against the wheel… but he didn't say anything else.
Kurogane crossed his arms, leaning back into his seat. He had this sinking feeling that he really had offended the blonde. No sense apologizing. He was through being pitied—he was sure that the kid with the glasses had spilled it all, and that Fai's overzealousness was just because he was appalled.
Fai pulled up to the back curb, letting the car idle in place, "Get out," he mumbled.
"Aren't you going to park?"
"It's cold, go to class," the freshman muttered. He gripped the wheel harder, biting hard on his lip. He could taste the blood welling up from under it; so he did have a horrible temper. He'd been warned beforehand, yes, but…
"We could both—"
"Not going to school, get out."
"You're skipping?"
"Get out," Fai hissed icily.
"Fine," Kurogane snapped, grabbing his bag before storming out of the car. Sheesh, what was up with that kid? It was like he was male-PMSing. Something in the back of his mind piped up, irritated, as it reminded him that it was he who had been rude first, and that he probably really hurt the freshman. "Why?" he grumbled to himself, making his way to the gym. Why did it bother him? He routinely offended people; most had the sense to stay away from him in the first place.
Maybe he doesn't know, some small voice offered. Kurogane snorted at it; everyone knew about him. That little twat just needs to give up, he told himself.
Meanwhile, Fai drove around to the front circle, cell phone to his ear, "It's mental health day," he complained to Sakura. "You guys should totally skip with me. We could go to Starbucks then hang at the mall in Recourt."
Sakura sighed, giving in. No use arguing with Fai. "Fine. Where are you?"
"Front circle."
"Gimme a minute to gather our forces."
Fai hummed happily as a temporary goodbye, then hung up, dropping his head to the steering wheel as he waited. He stared at his fingers, trying to ignore the painful throb in his chest, "It's not like we're even friends…"
He knew he should settle with just being acquaintances; but he'd be overjoyed to be friends with the moody sophomore. He sighed softly, "But what then? Would I want more then?"
He would. Something deep within him knew that he would never be happy with just being friends. Like his heart and body had acknowledged the fact long before his brain could even process the fact that he was in… It seemed to be a cycle with him; he wanted something, but after he got it, he wanted more. He always wanted that one extra thing. Would he ever be happy?
No, he wouldn't. No he couldn't. Happiness led to complacency. And complacency, with the life he led, was bad. He couldn't stand the pain of losing everything again… Because even if he could stay here, in Koryo, he would eventually lose the things that made it home.
"How selfish of me, trying to force myself on him," Fai muttered.
"What? You try to rape Suwa?" Shaoran asked, sliding into the backseat, Watanuki following him in. Sakura climbed into the front seat, poking Fai in the ribs, "Cheer up, emo kid!"
"Noooo," Fai whined, straightening in his seat. He waited until the car in front of him drove off before pulling out.
"Does the skip day have anything to do with him?" Sakura asked, trying not to sound interested as she surveyed her nails. "Suwa, you know?"
"What makes you ask?" Fai asked, laughing shakily, his teeth finding their way to his bottom lip. Sakura snuck a look at him, giggling.
"Exhibit A: You're chewing your lip like you always do when you're emotionally distressed," Sakura called, "You really oughta get a new bad habit, or I'm smearing hot chili paste on your lips like chap stick."
"Yuck."
"Exhibit B," Shaoran chimed in, "Normally you do mental health days alone."
Fai nodded, trying not to speed—he wanted to get out of Koryo's city limits as soon as possible. This was true—mental health days were days when school would cause him an emotional breakdown; generally it was after a bad bought of nightmares or when his depression kicked in. (A voice in the back of his head nagged at him to get his refill before he had to get a new script.) It was something for him only; not even Sakura was allowed near him on mental health days.
"Exhibit C," Watanuki finished, "Suwa was stomping through the hallways muttering about dumb, bipolar blondes."
Fai chuckled nervously, "He really does have one hell of a temper," he amended. "I sort of… pissed him off…"
"Maybe you both need some time to get used to each other," Watanuki mused.
"I don't think we'll ever get used to each other," Fai said softly.
"He'll get used to you," all three said with the same note of finality. "Or else."
The blonde shrugged; "I don't know, maybe," he muttered. "… But I won't pick him up after school today," he added stubbornly.
XxXxXxX
"Sorry," he grunted, looking a little irritated; he shifted in the seat, his eyes flicking past scenery.
I turn my head to the side, smiling despite myself. I had promised not to today; but I can't help it—he's talking to me again. Apologizing to me. How can I not smile? A bemused little quirk tips my lips slightly, and my eyebrow rises, signaling him to look to the side and sigh. He grumbles a little under his breath. Over the turn of the engine, it sounds something like the jumbled mess of what once was 'I didn't mean to upset you' that was muttered all in one breath.
Yes, my ears are that good—but I won't let him know that. Oh, no, I'll make him work. "Didn't hear you," I mutter sullenly, trying very hard to get my excitement out of my voice. "Sorry," I tack on for good affect.
Kurogane grit his teeth, and I steal a glance at him, a grin threatening to pull apart my mock-pout. He's so adorably stubborn, like a child. I pull in front of his apartment building, cutting the engine.
"I didn't mean to upset you," he says, louder. But now that the car is off, it comes across as too loud, and I giggle as he seems to ruffle in unease. He obviously doesn't apologize—or talk to others often, a trait that I need to remember; I can't rely on his experience with people to cover my own lack of— and so he babbles to fill the awkward silence that follows. "I didn't know you were so touchy. You just seem like the type to not get insults—"
"Kuro-tan, you're babbling," I say quietly, an amused smile tugging upon my lips. I turn towards him, crossing my legs in the car seat (a feat I'm proud of, because I'm almost as tall as Watanuki). "I get the message. I'm sorry too."
"What for?"
"I deserted you yesterday. Did you manage to get a ride?"
"Yeah."
"Good… good," I muse. We fall into silence again, staring at each other, waiting for somebody to say something. Funny thing is, it's not awkward at all. I feel at peace—all the buzzing in my head ceases, all the pain dies from ever-present throb to a dull ache, I can feel my easy-going smile fade on my face, but I'm not frowning. I don't feel like I have to talk, I don't feel like I'm going to lose it… I won't lose this moment, I won't lose this person. I am calm. I relinquish all my chaos. Even my guilt is forgotten in this moment. I wonder if he can feel it. This… rightness…Disarms me. Disenchants me. Beguiles me… I lean forward, hazy with it all.
He does to, at the same time.
His hands are on my shoulders. Warmth flows down from where he touches me, settling in my stomach, along with the flock of birds that suddenly have taken up residence there. I swallow. We're so close. Does he notice how close we are? Do I notice? Of course I do—I can feel his breath across my skin; I can smell him. I tremble. Too much. This is too much. He's too close to me—I could simply weep from joy. He's close to me, his hands are on my shoulders—wait, he's moving one up to my face—his face is next to mind. My hair is in my eyes. His hand is on my cheek, his mouth is moving. Oh, he's speaking. I'm dizzy from it all.
"I don't know how to act around you," he says, softly, kindly. I'm taken away by the warmth in his low voice. His fingers hook under my jaw, behind my ear, and he gently pulls me forward.
Oh… my… I do believe he's going to kiss me. How wonderful would that be? Wait… no, how horrible would that be!? I want him to do this, but I can't have him do this. It would be reckless, irresponsible. One day, I'll… and I can't… I want him so badly, but! He and I… No, never. Besides, I'm not a girl. I know I look like one, but… no, I don't. Don't fool myself. But I can't have him… I want him, and I can't. I'm horrible for even being near him. He'll be… one day…
All this flies through my head at light speed. A trembling gasp falls out of my mouth, and I move to bit my lip to keep me steady and silent, but I'm too slow. Or maybe he's too fast… But, before I can stop him, he presses his lips to my parted ones.
Oh… my… god.
And I'm kissing back. All qualms I had before have left me, like my guilt, reason, and pain. I'm warm all over, but I want more. My hands rise from my lap, clutching at his back as my arms wrap around his neck. I lean up onto my knees, and he pulls me close, kissing me harder.
Oh… my… god.
It's too good. I can't feel my body, except for where his hands and mouth are. I can't even breathe anymore. I've died, that's it. And this is my little portion of hell. The first circle in my own personal hell. But I can't stop. I know it's wrong, but I can't stop.
If I don't stop now, I'll pull him down.
If I don't stop now, I'll crush him.
If I don't stop now, I'll put him in danger.
If I don't stop now, I'll kill him.
And still… I can't stop. He pulls away reluctantly; he too, was unwilling to stop. He grins crookedly, and I fall in love just a little more. Is it possible to love someone this much?! I feel like I'm about to burst. I've loved him since I saw him. I loved him more when I learned about him. I love him, I love him, I love him. God, it's not even funny. I've known him for barely a week, and I'm talking about love. But I knew it when I saw him in that library; he was the one I was looking for, he was the one mother talked about, he was the one meant to take me away from it all! I loved him then; I would love him now, no matter what; I'll always love him; I love him…
But he would hate me if he knew about me. He would be repulsed. He would not even want to look at me.
I open my eyes slowly—funny, I hadn't known they were closed. I chew my lip quietly, my hands stroking his face, his hands mimicking my own movements. Tears blur my eyes until everything fades away…
And then I know I'm asleep.
He slid his sleeve over his eyes, the thin cotton soaking up his tears. He sat up slowly, tracing his lips with his fingers. "A dream," Fai whispered sadly. He looked around, trying to regain a sense of reality. He sat on the floor of his bathroom, blood-soaked rags and bandages littering the floor. He looked down at himself, frowning softly as a headache throbbed at the base of his neck from sleeping on the floor; he was clothed in the white long-sleeved cotton tee he'd worn under his clothes to school that day and his boxers. The water for a shower still ran in the bathtub, and he scrambled to shut the faucet off, thankful that the plug was out of the drain.
He grit his teeth, trying to remember what happened. But before that, he realized with irritation, he really needed that shower. He rubbed his temples with chilly fingers, trying to ignore the fact that he had a raging hard-on from that dream.
The shower would be too cold, he reasoned. He sat back against his tub, trying to think clearly between his confusion, headache, and erection.
He'd come home from the mental health day… in serious need of a mental health day. It had been the mall.
"Oh, Fai, look!" Sakura squealed, pointing to the other side of the open-air food court. Fai followed her gaze, then paled considerably. He grabbed the table to keep his hands from shaking.
"Aren't they adorable?"
Fai licked his lips anxiously. "Y-yeah…"
"What's wrong?"
"Doesn't it bother you?"
Sakura shook her head, "It hurts, but I've accepted that what happened was a misfortunate accident."
"It bothers me," he said slowly, shaking his head, unable to shake the images from his mind.
Red. Blood. Red. Fire. Black. Darkness. Blood.
Blonde hair stained red; his head caved in upon itself.
His father, amongst the wreckage, holding the lighter up to the bottle of vodka. His father, with blood on his hands. His brother, his mother, dead with blood around them. The fire. The darkness.
The scent of flesh searing in the smoke.
The room fuzzed from his vision.
Sakura let the conversation drop, watching Fai warily as he stared after the two little children.
Perfect mirrors of each other, with blonde hair. Dressed in sailor suits, holding hands, following their mother around docilely. Smiles on their cherubic faces as they giggled and laughed… Blonde twins.
The only thing that was wrong with the picture was that they had striking green eyes, instead of blue… And that he was alone, and grown up.
Any other way, and he would have thought that the mall had produced a mirror of the past.
He wanted to run and scoop the two up, hold them against his chest and sob, to tell them to always hang onto each other, lest they be in pain for their entire life.
But then he remembered that they were not he and him.
That's right… he'd come home… and… tried to join with his twin. He could hear him in his head, screaming from when their father decided to deviate, go after him instead of himself. He could hear him screaming his name…
"HELP ME!"
And then it was his own voice, but not his own voice, calling him to come… And then he tried.
But couldn't. A name stopped him. A voice stopped him.
"You must live."
"Hearing voices now," Fai laughed, banging his head against the tub. "Oughta get that checked out." He sighed; it was no use to become hysterical.
Which brought him to his other problem… Kurogane…
With a final sigh, he pushed his hands down his boxers and allowed himself the indulgence in a sin he should have never allotted himself.
XxXxXxX
Maybe he was crazy; he was certainly masochistic. But it was Monday morning, and Kurogane had to get to school somehow. So, there Fai sat, waiting in front of the sophomore's apartment complex, drumming his fingers against the wheel in time to the music that blared from the speakers.
He waited, and waited.
Finally, about twenty minutes before school, Kurogane exited the building, keys in hand. He stopped on the steps, eyebrow raised. He looked to his own car, then to Fai's.
Fai bit his lip, waiting.
Kurogane came forward, then opened the door, sliding in. "Bastard."
"Hm, well that's a change from 'hello, good morning'," he commented.
"Why are you here?"
"Because I promised I'd drive you to and from school. I'm trying to stay green, you know."
"Liar."
"Caught me."
"Why didn't you pick me up on Friday if you wanted to so badly?"
"I was mad, and I was upset."
"Sorry."
"Wait, what?"
Kurogane looked over at Fai, bristling in embarrassment. "I said I was sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I didn't know you were such a sensitive little prick."
Fai laughed despite himself, pulling out of his parking spot. "It's okay. We need some time to adjust."
"Why do you want to pick me up and stuff?"
"Like I said, I wanted to stay green."
"Like I said: Liar," Kurogane countered.
Fai sighed slowly. "I wanted to get to know you better," he whispered slowly. "My friends keep telling me that you're not the person you seem to be…"
Kurogane hissed in anger, and Fai rolled his eyes, smiling warmly. "But, you see, I told them to screw off. I want to find out about you from you, not anyone else. 'Cause, you see, there's a lot you don't know about me… and I know I'd be all sorts of mad if someone started talking about my demons without my permission."
"You're too stupid to be that smart."
Fai laughed sadly, "All is not what it seems to be with me." He stopped, pulling over on the side of the road. He shut off the car, pulling his legs up into the seat. He turned his head to the side, looking at Kurogane, "I asked because I like you a lot, and I wanted to know why." Fai blinked, looking a little shocked, like he'd just said something he hadn't meant to.
Kurogane crossed his arms over his chest, watching the blonde. This boy didn't even look hopeful—he looked like a kicked puppy, curled in upon himself, waiting for the blow to come. He could tell that Fai felt guilty for liking him. This was different. "You know I may not be gay," he warned the boy.
"Yes," Fai whispered, "But I realized that it didn't matter to me. I just want… to be around you."
"That's the most unselfish thing I've ever heard. You're a fucking moron."
Fai laid his head on his knees, his hair falling over his face. "Mm, so you've said."
"Do you ever do anything for yourself?"
"I asked you to come with me," Fai pointed out.
"Ah, yeah. It would be better if you ask me out."
"I don't get you," the blonde said, "Are you angry with me, or not?"
Kurogane paused—what was it that he was feeling? It wasn't anger, it was relief. Relief that Fai was being kind to him under his own steam, not because of pity; that was mixed in with guilt, because he'd been so rotten. And then there was this rushing feeling, like he'd just jumped from the roof or something, in the pit of his stomach. It made him feel fluttery, and as prissy as it felt, he didn't mind it at all.
"Nope."
"Wow," Fai mumbled. He looked up, his cheeks bright red, "Do you like me, or…?" he stammered out.
"You ain't half-bad," Kurogane said nonchalantly. "I wouldn't mind going out with you."
Fai broke into a grin. "Yay!" he laughed, sounding like he very much wanted to cry. "So, now that that is settled, would you like to come to the Christmas party at the Tavern with me? All the bands get to come."
"I'll think about it."