Sasori washed his hands for the fifth time since waking up two hours ago. He wasn't germ crazy or anything, it's just that...
"I see the finger go up and in...but where do the boogers go?" He grumbled is he watched the five year old shove his finger back up his nose. "It's disgusting..."
Deidara was watching his morning cartoons in silence - if you don't count the occasional burst of giggles over a poorly made toilet joke or a massive explosion leaving a character covered in soot and ash. He was alone and enjoying himself, so why not pick his nose while he's at it? All the other boys at school were picking their noses, so it must be a cool thing to do! For all he knew, even Sasori picked his nose secretly! Still, something told him that it would be best to not do it in front of him.
Well...at least he thought he wasn't being watched.
"Where is the snot going? On his clothes? The furniture? The - " Sasori paled as he watched a small hand went from the nose to the mouth. That's where they've been going! Not on the furniture nor the blankets, no not even the walls. They've been going in the brats mouth!
Deidara was eating his boogers!
Sasori fumed. He was furious. No way was he going to let the kid keep this up. Deidara was kicking the disgusting habit here-and-now.
'This whole picking thing is something new...he must have seen a classmate doing it.' He concluded.
Clever guy that Sasori is.
However, how was Sasori going to convince Deidara to stop though? Habits are hard to kick. He knew that from recent activity like, for example, Sasori realized that he needed to stop swearing around Deidara. Tried it for an hour and ended up failing miserably. Sasori would not fail this time! Deidara would not fail! This was going to stop - TODAY.
Suddenly an idea came to Sasori and he smiled darkly. He went into the kitchen and went to the fridge and pulled out some grapes. Humming, he sliced two open and scraped out the soft seedy middles and placed them on his finger. The dark green mush glistened on his finger.
This was looking good.
But it needed just one more thing...
With his other hand he reached up to his eye and tugged around his eyelashes until one fell out. He put in on the cutting board he had used to slice the two grapes, and with a quick chop it was cut in two.
Sasori laughed to himself as he put a piece of hair onto the blob on his finger and began rolling it around between his fingers until is was mixed. He then grabbed the other piece of hair and stuck it right on top of the large blob.
It looked disgusting.
It was perfect.
Sasori walked into the living room slowly and casually, almost with a skip in his step for what was to happen next. He noticed when he entered that Deidara quickly dropped his hand and preoccupied himself with the toy in his hand before shoving it in his mouth to chew on.
"Hey Deidara, what'cha doin?"
Deidara grew nervous. Sasori was acting strange, he never sounded this cheerful - ever! However being five, he pushed his worries aside and gave Sasori a big smile with the toy still clamped between his teeth. "M' watchin the TV!"
"Still?" Sasori gasped in a fake tone. "I saw you watching it earlier."
Deidara raised his eyebrows. "You were watchin me...watch TV, un?"
"Yes."
"O-oh..." He mumbled, holding his head down. Deidara now refused to make eye contact with Sasori. It was pretty obvious he had been caught and was now for some reason in trouble.
"I saw what you were doing with your nose, Brat."
"Un...yeah?"
"Yeah."
Moving forward a little closer, but ended up sitting on the chair across from the blond Sasori sighed loudly. "So you like putting your snot in your mouth?"
Deidara still refused to make eye contact but now also didn't respond to Sasori. Instead he still chewed on his toy, a little more aggressively this time around.
"Well, guess if you like eating your boogers you'd like to eat mine."
Sasori took a deep breath through his nose making a loud noise that caught Deidara's attention. As he looked up, Sasori shielded his nose and put the finger with the grape on it in there, giving the child the illusion he was picking his nose.
Intrigued, Deidara sat up and tried to get a better look at the finger until Sasori jammed it right in his face making the boy jump back and scream.
"Doesn't that look yummy? You like boogers, don't you Deidara?"
Deidara grew pale as the massive green hairy pile of mush inched closer an closer...until it got too close for comfort and he had to make a run for it. What he didn't expect was for Sasori to chase after him.
Sasori made sure to keep a distance, he wanted to wear Deidara out and make sure he never forgot about this experience. The experience of being chased around the house by a grown man with a booger on his finger.
Deidara screamed and screamed as he ran and ran, to and fro of every corner of the house until he and Sasori were breathless in the last corner in the bathroom. Deidara was trapped behind the toilet, trembling and still screaming in horror.
"Why won't you...eat my...booger, Deidara?" Sasori panted as he staggered with his finger pointed out, ready.
Deidara caved and began to cry, "C-cause it's gross!"
"Why will you eat yours then?" Sasori asked lowering himself to the boys level.
"I don't know! I thought it was yucky, but the other boys at school do it, un!"
Just as Sasori predicted.
"Will you eat them anymore?"
"Noooo!"
"Will you pick your nose at all?"
"Noooooooo!"
Sasori smirked and grabbed a tissue from his pocket and wiped up the mess from his finger. "Good then. Next time you eat them, you will without a doubt be eating mine."
-/-/-/-
Deidara sat on the living room floor playing with and chewing on his blocks as Sasori watched the news from the kitchen and did dishes. All was well, all was quiet. Deidara had been a perfect little boy today and Sasori couldn't have been more proud.
So far...
*ring ring*
"Hello?" Sasori asked placing the phone between his ear and his shoulder so he could continue to clean.
'Hello, yes. Mr. Akasuna, caretaker of Deidara?'
Sasori's eyes widened. He sighed, turned off the water and moved the phone back into his hand.
"Yes, ma'am?"
'This is Deidara's teacher speaking, I was wondering if I could talk to you about what he did today at school.'
Sasori sighed again and put his weight on one leg and leaned on the counter to brace himself for whatever the brat did this time. "Yes, what did he do?"
'Well... It's...he did something and then said something."
"A...double whammy huh?
'Hm, yes. Well you see...He picked his nose and told another boy to eat it, and when the other student said no, he started talking about being chased around the house by you...'
Sasori's mouth dropped. He breath hitched and he choked a little. Oh no oh no.
'With snot on your finger and you were trying to make him eat it."
Shit.
Sasori panicked, "W-well it wasn't snot it was actually just the inside of a grape and I-I did it to teach him not to pick his nose and eat it!"
'Hum, well. Perhaps try to tone your lesson teaching down a bit? It was quite disruptive. The parents of the boys even phoned me earlier as it has caused quite the chain reaction."
"Y-yes ma'am."
'Thank you and goodnight.'
Sasori turned off the phone, ran towards Deidara and jumped down to his hands and knees with a loud thump so they were eye level.
"YOU TOLD YOUR CLASSMATES ABOUT BEING CHASED AROUND THE HOUSE AND BEING FORCED TO EAT BOOGERS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"
Deidara sat there wide eyed and flinched back slowly as a late reaction. He held his eyes closed tight momentarily before slowly opening them again and whispering, "Danna, you need to calm down - "
"Calm down!? Deidara that had to be the single most embarrassing moment of my life! What is wrong with you? What were you - "
Sasori froze mid yell when he felt Deidara wipe a wet finger in his forehead. "Chill, Danna. By the way, I heard you say it was grape." Deidara then stuck his tongue out and went to walk to his room.
Sasori reached up with a shakey hand and touched the wet area. He looked down at his fingers and paled as he looked at the pale glob of snot sitting on his finger tip.
Deidara looked back momentarily. "I didn't eat it."
Not on the furniture, nor even the blankets. Not even the walls.
They were now being wiped on the Danna.
you know he dead.
this is based off a moment that my big brother had with my grandma when we were young. she didn't chase him though and he didn't tell all his classmates.
sometimes I write lemons, sometimes I write boogers