Summary: In which everyone at Luna Nova recovers from Invidia's attack. In the meantime, Diana requires her monthly checkup again- only to run into even more issues. Though at least she and others have a chance to talk through their problems.
Author's Notes:
There is a lot of talking in this chapter. So many characters, so many problems to address.
Warnings for guilt, guilt tripping, and self harm. Minor allusions to suicide.
Act VI.v. Loss and Gain - Innocent_Greed_1
She doesn't want to be here. Not ever, and especially not right now.
Looking at her doppelganger after catching an imposter tear its claws through Akko's body brings forth a new sense of nausea. Her stomach churns so much more from her own face than the steel infesting her other body. Unable to look at herself, Diana keeps her gaze down onto the grass of her world.
"You let Akko get hurt. She almost died," her doppelganger vituperates. Her accusations cut through Diana's defenses as easily as any of the blades on her body. But she is not wrong.
"I was weak," Diana admits, her head bowed to avoid her own scathing eyes.
"You are weak. So, so weak." The other Diana steps up to her and grabs both her hands, sinking the tips of its blades through her flesh. "What can these hands protect? Nothing. You nearly lost Akko. Constanze almost died. So did the others. Your beloved school was almost leveled by a single monster. And what did you do? No, what could you have done? Nothing. Even if you threw your life away, it would have amounted to nothing."
Diana barely flinches. "I knew of that already. You have stated so. Again and again."
The other Diana tugs her forward, smashing their foreheads together. But with the blades still entrenched in her hands, Diana can't run away. Not that she tries.
Diana rests her torn forehead against steel, letting the blood trail down her face in place of tears.
"Again and again and again. So long as you believe it, I will continue saying it. Whether it be your version of me in your dreams, or an actualization through some method as that shapeshifter had done. You are weak, Diana Cavendish. And it's only a matter of time before you truly drown in this despair."
The doppelganger tears her right hand from Diana's left, ripping open the flesh. The agony from the wound is replaced by the familiar hole in her chest as the other Diana spears her free hand through her body.
"Drown, drown, drown," she sings into Diana's ear. "And don't forget to scream and cry while you fall."
Diana sighs, letting the pain of her wounds and guilt pull her away from this dreamscape. But as the world fades to black, an unexpected voice suddenly cries her name.
"Diana! Don't lose, Diana!"
Diana's eyes shoot open. For months she's only heard her own voice in her head. This is the first time she's ever heard anyone else's.
The distant voice continues to plead, "Don't give up! If you do, your most important person will-!"
Her doppelganger clicks her tongue. She pushes her arm deeper into Diana's chest to fully kick Diana from her own subconsciousness.
Before she returns to darkness, Diana strains her ears enough to pick up the foreigner leaving her one last befuddling warning:
"Beware the Demon Witch."
Diana's eyes snap open, lungs gasping for air. Her arms and the left side of her face are a little numb from falling asleep over her crossed arms. Ignoring the tingling in her arms, Diana sits up and places a hand over her heaving chest.
(I am alive. I am awake. She's gone. It's alright.)
She presses the tips of her fingers against her chest. She keeps applying pressure even when her nails penetrate past her shirt and dig into skin. Her mouth opens in preparation to scream. But no sound comes out.
(It isn't enough. I haven't done enough. I will fall. And so will the others. No one must die. Yet everyone will die. No, I will not let that-)
The pressure she receives isn't enough. She presses against her chest harder, digs her nails in deeper. Yet no matter how much she pries she can't get rid of the lingering pain. Her nails are not as sharp as the tips of swords. But her own strength can't match that of her curses. That in itself is a curse of her own volition.
(She is right. Who am I to proclaim such a statement? Where is the strength I need? My source of strength…)
"-stop! Diana stop!"
Warm fingers wrap around her wrist. With a single tug, someone much stronger pulls Diana's hand from her chest. The sudden disappearance of pressure pulls what little breath Diana had from lungs and drags her back to reality.
Diana snaps her head up to meet the worried gaze of Professor Ursula. Her red eyes shine strong and resolute as always. But there is a sense of wariness and concern swimming in the determination.
They look familiar. Those eyes remind her of another pair that had kept an eye on her with overwhelming concern since over a year ago.
Looking to the side, Diana finds the person in question lying in bed and staring at her with a gaze… she does not expect. There's no strength from Akko. She stares at Diana with wide, aghast eyes. Or rather, Akko's fearful gaze is fixated on Diana's chest where her fingers were digging into.
"I-" Diana coughs through the hitch of breath in her throat. "I'm alright. I- Akko, you're awake!"
"Diana…" Ursula sighs. "Akko is… fine. She won't be able to move for a few days but her life isn't in danger anymore. Ophelia recommended she refrain from talking to save her strength. Diana." Ursula tightens her grip on Diana's wrist. "Akko is fine. You… you are not."
Diana shakes her head. "My injuries were minor and taken care of."
"Not your physical ones. Diana, when was the last time you slept?"
Such an insignificant question. She's already answered this numerous times. "I don't recall. A few days ago perhaps."
"Then, how often do you try to rip out your own heart?"
Diana freezes. She hears a small gasp from the infirmary bed. But Diana can't bear to look at Akko right now. Not when the sight of her so weak and having barely avoided death nearly kills her with guilt again.
"I-" She knows denying it is pointless when they've both witnessed it. But admitting and explaining are another mountain to climb. Even if she wants to speak of it freely, her voice catches in her throat. So she settles for a half truth. "I… I don't recall."
"Diana, I'm not interrogating you." Another gentle squeeze from the caring mother figure. "We want to help. We all do. Even if we haven't spent as much time around you as Akko has, we know how much you've gone through- how much you're going through now. We want to help."
"I'm not certain how," Diana admits. "Nothing has helped. No remedy, no company, no love-" Diana chuckles bitterly. "I have never coveted peace so much as I have in the past month. I believed happiness could be reached if I simply held steadfast to my beliefs. However… how can I do that if I have neither the strength nor any solid principles of my own?"
"You're not giving yourself enough credit. You've made it this far-"
"And I can barely hold on any longer. I…" Diana grits her teeth. "I am falling. And I cannot fathom any way to stop myself without dragging others down with me into ruin as well."
"That isn't true. We're all willing to-"
"Akko nearly died. You as well, Professor Ursula. Constanze, Jasminka, Lotte, Sucy; must I list more?" Somehow, admitting near casualties comes easy to Diana now. "Before I knew it, the number of people I wished to protect only grew in number. But I cannot protect them all. And due to reasons I cannot fathom, we are all in danger due to my association. And I am powerless to prevent further tragedy from occurring."
"Who… said… you… gotta… do… it… alone…?"
Diana and Ursula's head snap to the weak voice that came from the girl lying in bed. The fear from before is no longer present in her gaze. It's now replaced by a burning rage reflected like flames in Akko's bright red eyes. Anger at the world for being so cruel, and anger at Diana herself for being so…
"Diana… you're… so… stupid!" Akko sucks in a deep breath, wincing from the pain that shoots through her right side.
Ursula lets go of Diana to gently keep Akko from moving around. "Akko, if you keep straining yourself you'll only have to stay in the hospital even longer!"
"No!" Akko hisses, but keeps her glare on Diana. "You can't… do… everything! So stop trying… to do… it all… on… your own!"
"I…"
Blood flashes across her eyes. Akko's dead body lies in front of her, surrounded by other bodies littering the ground. Her friends, her professors, her family; she cannot save anyone.
They will all end up dead.
"You're wrong!" Akko shouts despite Ursula's coaxing.
Diana gasps. She spoke aloud.
Akko clenches her jaws and grits out, "No one's… gonna die! Not me… not Professor Ursula… not our friends… not you!" Akko's voice trembles, tears pricking her eyes. "No one's dying. Please. I don't… I don't want to lose anyone again…!"
The edges of her own eyes begin to sting. Shaking her head, Diana rises from her seat and strides out of the infirmary. She doesn't hear Ursula call out for her. She barely realizes that she nearly runs into Amanda on the way out.
The campus is half destroyed from Invidia's attack three nights ago. Most of the infrastructure has been restored and the wounded parties tended to. The only exceptions are Akko, Constanze, and others who received more serious injuries and had to stay hospitalized for a few more days.
So many had nearly lost their lives. A few are even mysteriously missing; McKinley and… the other name escapes her. She doesn't remember much of what the professors relayed as she was waiting for Akko's status to stabilize.
Although Invidia had targeted Akko for the most part, Diana can't help but believe the demon's existence still has some relation to her. The timing occurring so soon after she was attacked in the hallway is no coincidence.
Making up her mind, Diana changes her previously random trajectory to head to her bedroom instead. Whatever is aiming for her life, there is a possibility that it will take action once she is away from the protections of Luna Nova. And when that occurs, at least there will be less people who may become collateral damage.
It is about time for her monthly examination anyway.
Diana reaches her room and walks toward her side behind her bookshelf. She grabs a duffle and places five days worth of clothes into the bag. Once her essentials are all packed, she zips up the bag and slings the strap over her shoulder.
She places a shaky hand on her chest, slightly above where she had dug her fingers in before. This time the touch is light, only meant to check if a certain ornament is around her neck. The flat item is where it should be.
With everything grabbed, Diana takes her broom and casts one last glance at her room before leaving. To her surprise, Sucy, Hannah, Barbara, and Lotte with her crutches are waiting on the other side once she opens the door.
"Is there something you girls need?" Diana asks.
Barbara doesn't answer, instead asking her own question. "Diana, where are you going?"
Hannah huffs. "You know Akko's asking for you."
Diana's chest twists. She takes a deep breath to calm her erratic heart. "Please inform her that I will be away for a few days. I had nearly forgotten that it is time for my examination with Lady Sophia."
"Don't you usually do that here?" Sucy asks.
"She informed me prior that she had other business to attend to."
"Diana… Akko is upset," Lotte says.
Diana sighs. "I… assume so."
"What did you say to her?" Hannah asks. "Jasminka's holding Amanda back right now from coming to find you and beating some sense into you. That's how upset she is."
"We shared a few… tense words," Diana answers carefully. "I was planning to continue with the conversation once I returned and she regains her strength."
It's both a truth and a lie. Diana wants nothing more than to forget about their discussion and never bring it up again. But running from Akko is the most unacceptable transgression she can ever commit. As much as it pains her, Diana could never bear to leave her loved ones behind.
"So you're not leaving and planning on never coming back?" Barbara asks.
"No. The timing is only coincidental. And…" Diana exhales. "I suppose we both need some rest."
"I hope you aren't planning to travel alone though," Ursula's voice says, unexpectedly from behind Hannah and the others.
Diana stares at the professor's unexpected packed state. She's not carrying a broom, but Ursula has her own duffle slung over her shoulder.
Ursula smiles. "I've left a note with the headmistress as well. They'll understand."
"What about Akko?"
"I think she has plenty of people who will look after her." Ursula glances at the four witches between herself and Diana. "You two have very capable friends."
"We'll make sure Akko doesn't die," Sucy says. "So…"
"Take care of yourself too, Diana." Lotte hobbles forward on her crutches until she's in front of Diana. She places a hand on Diana's shoulder. "We're here for you too."
Hannah flashes her a toothy grin. "Yeah. You're always helping us and… well, everyone with things. You have to have people to lean on too. And no, Akko isn't enough."
"You can count on us. We've been saying we'll be here for you," Barbara adds.
Ursula turns her smile to Diana. "See? It isn't so bad if you remember that. Now, let's get going so you can come back as soon as possible. Are you sure you don't want to say goodbye to Akko?"
"I will see her in a few days." Despite the despair still churning within her, Diana lets herself smile. "I will make certain of it."
The flight to the Pavlova Mansion passes by uneventful. This is only the second time Diana has had to visit Sophia personally instead of doing her examination at Luna Nova. In total, this visit marks the third time in the past year that she's visited the Pavlova residence.
However, this is the first time that she's accompanied by Ursula. The first was with Hannah and Barbara. The two had been outright terrified of Sophia, so having Ursula as her guardian will make the encounter less awkward.
The closer they get to the other side of the leyline, the tighter Ursula's grip on Diana's waist becomes.
(Or perhaps not.)
"Professor Ursula, why did you volunteer to accompany me?" Diana asks.
Ursula starts from the sudden question after silence for so long. "Eh? I wouldn't just leave you to go alone! What if you were attacked?"
"I understand the need for caution. However, you could have delegated anyone else to the task. Perhaps Hannah and Barbara or even Amanda, as they were the…" Diana grits her teeth, "least injured from Invidia's incursion. You are still recovering as well. Why did you choose to come yourself? Especially when…"
"I have to face her."
The whisper is nearly inaudible. But because the leyline is stable, the silence carries Ursula's voice through.
"It has been nearly a year," Diana says.
"Diana, you aren't the only one with lingering guilt."
Diana isn't sure how to reply to that. Her silence urges Ursula to continue.
"Just when I thought I was getting somewhere with Croix, I make another irreversible decision. But I don't regret it. Killing Egor meant I wouldn't lose everything important to me. I've made mistakes, but I don't plan on throwing away my life. And most of all, I would never forgive myself if I let Croix or any other irreplaceable person dear to me die. Therefore, I don't regret it. It's only taken me a little longer to gather the courage to tell that to who it really matters. That's why I chose to come with you this time. To tell that person that I am sorry, but I wouldn't changed my decision."
Diana's hands tighten against her broom, letting the coarse wood chafe her palms. "Even when you took another life? The life of someone who was cherished by another?"
"Humans are selfish. If I hadn't done what needed to be done, both Croix and I would have died. In the end, I chose to save myself and my loved one over a stranger." Ursula chuckles. "What a horrible example I'm setting. But in the end, you can only make a few limiting decisions based on weighing the pros and cons. It's just in poor taste that killing people has to be the example."
The rest of the flight returns to silence. Ursula's words leave Diana with many considerations. But they exit the leyline and reach the Pavlova Mansion before she can contemplate them for long.
Diana lowers their altitude down for them to land at the entrance to the familiar mansion. Two faceless homunculi greet them and hold out their arms to take their belongings.
Diana passes her belongings to one of the homunculi. "Thank you. Where is Lady Sophia?"
"Right here," Sophia says, walking up to them with her cigar already lighted. She grimaces as soon as she gets a look at the two witches. "For fucks sake what tried to kill you this time? And… I see you brought someone different."
Ursula bows. "Pleased to meet again, Lady Sophia. I'll be Diana's guardian while she's here."
Sophia Pavlova stares at Ursula's bowed head. Neither of them move or speak. When the silence starts to stretch for too long, Diana opens her mouth to interject with anything to break the awkward tension.
Thankfully, Sophia finally sighs and grumbles, "Lift your head already. I don't need any more wimps. Those two you brought last time were bad enough."
"In all fairness, they are easily intimidated," Diana says as Ursula rights herself.
Sophia scoffs. "Those two? I doubt it and you know it. They look like the type to spit in a demon's face if it so much as insulted them. Or tried anything to you."
Sophia's teasing brings a small smile to Diana's face. "That may be true. Though they do know their place. They understand who you are, Lady Sophia."
"You've got good friends. Reminds me, how's that Kagari doing?"
Now both Diana and Ursula frown. "Actually…"
Sophia leads them through the mansion as Diana and Ursula take turns debriefing Sophia about the events over the past month. By the end of the tale, they reach the rear of the mansion where the physical examination will take place.
They stop by the exit. Sophia grabs her half-finished cigar and smashes it against the wall with her palm.
"You know, when I asked what tried to kill you again, I wasn't actually serious." Sophia crushes the rest of the cigar in her hand and dumps the litter onto the grass outside. "You said the demon called itself Invidia? Having a demon of that caliber as your enemy… you two have some horrid luck."
"Do you know of the demon? And how it could be tied to Diana's possible attacker?" Ursula asks.
"Probably no more than you do. I specialize in homunculi bodies and prosthetics, not demonology or shadow magic."
"I thought you had no intentions to advertise your creations for profit," Diana says.
"You and that other annoying brat are the only exceptions. Speaking of which, I have to deal with him too." Sophia leads Diana and Ursula into the field outside where two others are already waiting.
Diana blinks. "Daniel. And Katherine!"
The little girl turns around and breaks out into a huge grin. "Diana!"
Diana braces herself for Katherine's inevitable hug. Her younger cousin crashes into her and buries her head in Diana's stomach.
Katherine looks up. "It's so nice to see you again!"
Diana smiles. "And you as well. It's been some time." She finds her other cousin. "You look well, Daniel."
Daniel waves at her, still sitting down on the grass. "Hey. Guess you're here for your examination too."
"Yes, though mine are mandatory. Why are you here?"
Daniel rolls his right shoulder. "I, uh, needed some repairs."
Sophia scowls. "This idiot broke the arm I specially made for him. Through a bet."
Katherine giggles. "I said that Daniel can't use the Brisingr as well as Uncle Arthur could. So we went to test his maximum output on the barrier around the Regulus Caverns."
"You did what?!" Diana and Ursula exclaim.
"It's fine. I couldn't destroy the barrier," Daniel grumbles. "The only thing I obliterated was my own arm."
"My homunculi aren't made to withstand that insane output from your blasted sword!" Sophia shouts. "So not only do you have to waste my time, but now I have to deal with you both at once! How Bernadette had the patience to handle a family of idiots is beyond my understanding. By the Nine, the boy is practically Arthur from his younger days at this point! You've certainly replicated his appearance and stupidity well enough."
Daniel sighs. "Mother was furious, so much so that she even yelled at Katherine. Anyway, Katherine's here with me as punishment. And…" A shiver runs up his spine, "mine is waiting for me once my arm is fixed with a proper replacement."
"Are you insane? Why would you return to the Regulus Caverns? You were the one who abhorred the thought of staying any longer after we nearly died not once but multiple times!" Diana says.
"I wasn't planning on going in. And if I did break it, I'd just have a spellcaster recast the barrier. You witches should have someone capable of doing so, yes?"
Diana pinches the bridge of her nose. "It is not as easy as it seems. In any case, at least your foolish actions only cost you your arm."
"And a big part of his allowance," Katherine adds.
"Katherine, you were the one who goaded Daniel into making such an asinine decision," Diana chides.
"More like your ego needs to be checked if you let your younger sister rile you so much," Sophia comments. "Anyway, we'll get started on both of your physical therapies at the same time. Saves me the time and headache. Actually, that girl needs to check your initial condition first."
Diana realizes that there is one person missing from their group. "Where is Sakura?"
"She should be done with what she has planned… ah, now."
Their second examiner strides up to them, previously hidden by Sophia's much larger form. Sakura stops next to Sophia with a pride smile and white paint splattered all over her face and clothes. The strange look earns her a few curious gazes.
"Today's PT is going to be a little different," Sakura announces. "You'll be running laps!"
"WHAT?!" Daniel shoots up to his feet. "Why?! I only need therapy for my arm! Running has nothing to do with it!"
"Daniel hates running in circles 'cus it's boring," Katherine whispers to Diana.
A shrill whistle cuts off Daniel's protests. "No excuses! You're here for therapy, we do it my way!"
"You just want to make us run!"
Sophia groans. "Just shut up and listen to her or I'll charge you double, brat."
"Ick-!"
Sakura turns to Diana. "First, let's check to see how Diana's doing first." She frowns. "Why do you look like you haven't slept in days?"
"That…" Diana sighs. "I suppose I should explain the situation once more."
Once Sakura and Sophia perform an initial examination of Diana's condition, they decide she's physically stable enough to continue with the planned physical therapy.
"I don't like how you're doing otherwise, but your soul's pretty steady at least," Sakura had said.
So now Diana and Daniel are running laps around a makeship track painted by Sakura herself. The white paint is clearly visible against the green grass thanks to Sakura's hard work; it somewhat explains why she's covered in so much of it. To the side, Sakura and Katherine take turns blowing their whistles in a rhythm as a way to set the pace for the runners.
Tweet. Tweet. Tweet.
Tweet. Tweet. Tweet.
Tweet. Tweet. Tweet.
Tweet! Tweet! Tweet! Tweet! Tweet!
"That's too fast, damn it!" Daniel roars.
"Don't complain! Keep running!" Katherine shouts back.
"You little-! You're mad! Why are you even mad at me?! You're here because of your own mistakes!"
Tweet! "If you can talk back to me you can run faster!"
Daniel screams in the distance.
"Do you hate your brother?" Sakura asks, actually concerned.
Katherine scoffs. "He's a little weenie. He acts all tough but that's just to hide how much of a softie he is. Someone has to beat him into shape." Katherine blows into her whistle. "Going to those caves with Diana last year did help him though. He came back just a little bit more confident!"
"Ohh?! Is this the rumored 'tough love' that I've heard so much about?!"
"Um, you can say that. Do you not have any siblings?"
Sakura blows weakly into her whistile. "No. My father - the late Fei Wong Reed - adopted me as an orphan a few years ago. I don't remember anything before he took me in. And he never had any other kids."
Katherine gasps. "But your dad-! Isn't he-?!"
Sakura nods. "He died with Diana. But unlike Diana, he didn't have any plans to come back. He had something to do in that forest. I told him to do what he needed to or he'd regret it, but…"
Sakura bows her head. It's suddenly hard for her to keep speaking. There's a lump in her throat, one that should have been released a long time ago. All this time it's been suppressed for the sake of not worrying others.
But it hurts. Losing a loved one hurts. She said she was fine with it, but…
Katherine suddenly pulls Sakura into a tight hug. Despite being around the same age, Katherine's just tall enough to have Sakura's head rest against the crook of her neck.
"My grandfather died then too. He was scary and kind of mean, but he still loved us. I don't think Mother liked him very much. She was always arguing with him. Daniel himself would always tense up whenever Grandfather came near us." Katherine groans. "There was a lot going on in our family that I didn't really get. But… Grandfather was nice to me. He always patted me on the head like how my Father used to. And now he's gone too."
Katherine is so warm. Sakura doesn't remember the last time she's been enveloped in kindness that relieves the stresses hounding her. Her father had loved her so much, maybe too much. She's done her best to stay strong. But right now she just wants to cry.
So she does. Standing in a field with a girl who is only an acquaintance, Sakura releases all the tears she's held back for the past year into the shoulder offering her comfort.
Katherine tightens her hold on Sakura, her own tears trailing down her cheeks. She chuckles, all watery and filled with snot. "I know old people have to die, but they should die from, you know, old age."
Sakura giggles. "You're funny, Katherine."
"Finally someone appreciates my humor."
"Father's was worse. Never let old people try to be funny."
"Well, it's a good thing Grandfather never tried to be funny. Unless he was making a joke about fighting. I never understood those. I don't think he was a very nice person. What was your father like?"
"Mine? Um…" Sakura furrows her brows. "He was quiet. And kind of broody. Even though he told me I made him a lot happier than before, I could tell that there was something he was always thinking about that made him sad. After saving me from a bad past, I wanted to help him feel better too. But I knew this was something that I wouldn't be able to understand, even if he was willing to talk about it; which he wasn't." Sakura sighs. "But I loved my father. He told me that he'd be alright as long as I was smiling. That was a lie, but it was the least I could do."
"Sakura, has anyone told you that you're really mature for your age?"
"Kind of. Not as much as Diana though."
The two girls giggle together.
"Yeah," Katherine finds Diana running around the grass with Daniel. "Diana's really cool, isn't she?"
"Your brother seems nice too."
"Hmph. Diana is so much nicer and cooler than my idiot brother. I wish she was my sister."
"At least you're actually related to her. Besides, your brother can't be all bad."
"I guess he's ok-"
"Hey!" Daniel shouts. "What kind of trainers are you?! Where's my cue?!"
Katherine pulls away from Sakura and blows into her whistle five times in a row. "You're so ungrateful! Can't you see I'm having a heart-to-heart with someone?! You horrible, stupid, good-for-nothing brother!"
Sakura sighs. "I think I'm glad I don't have any siblings."
"Who are you calling a good-for-nothing, you crybaby?!" Daniel retorts.
"Says the one who starts bawling as soon as Mother raises her voice!"
"That was one time!"
Ursula jumps from the sound of Sophia clicking her tongue above her.
"What are those brats yelling about now?" Sophia wonders, swishing a glass of brown liquid and ice around. "Well, I guess it means they're in good shape if they can keep talking after running twenty laps in the past twenty minutes."
And then Daniel drops face-first into the grass. Diana drops onto her knees not long after.
"Well, they were running at an average of one minute per lap nonstop," Ursula remarks. "Lady Sophia, is that alcohol?"
"Медовуха actually." Instead of drinking it herself, Sophia offers the glass to Ursula. "And it's for you."
"Me?"
"There's something you need to say to me. Figured this would help calm the nerves." Sophia brandishes a bottle of Медовуха with her other hand. "I have my own."
As it's impolite to turn down her host, Ursula accepts the offered drink as Sophia takes a seat on the grass beside her. With the drink cupped between her hands, Ursula stares into the dark liquid as she gathers her thoughts.
Finally, Ursula chooses to begin with, "Do you miss your brother?"
"You're really going to ask that when you already know the answer?"
"Then I'll ask a different question. Do you hate me?"
Sophia takes a gulp from her bottle. "Not anymore. I did before, starting a long time ago. My hatred for Chariot du Nord lasted for over a decade. It was only a few months ago did I finally start to move on."
Ursula gapes at Sophia. "That name-! You-!"
"Yeah, I've known for awhile. I had no idea where you disappeared to after Shiny Chariot stopped performing, but I couldn't mistaken that bright red hair for anyone else. You really took me by surprise that day you arrived at my mansion with those two kids."
"You've hated me since back then…" Ursula's breath hitches. "Then you know what I-"
"That as well. I wasn't certain, but the coincidence was too well-timed. There's no other reason Egor could have lost his abilities to use magic at that timing. I had no proof, but at that point you had already disappeared from the world. It wasn't as if I could have chased you down myself."
Ursula bows her head. "I killed your brother twice."
"Yeah, you really are something. I just have one question of my own." Sophia tips the alcohol into her mouth, this time only taking a sip. "Did you know your shows took away the ability to use magic?"
"No." Ursula shakes her head fervently. "No, not at all. If I had known, I would have stopped immediately. I wasn't aware of the side effects of that kind of performance. Even now, I wish there was a way to prevent that from happening. It would have saved so many people from pain. Egor, Akko, and everyone else who was hurt indirectly from my mistakes." Ursula runs her hands over the glass of alcohol. "Even so, I won't apologize for… killing him the second time. The first time I had no control over the situation. The second I willingly ended Egor's life to save my own. I don't expect you to forgive me. But I won't regret my choice."
Neither women speak. Ursula has said what she needed. She'll take Sophia's anger with no complaints.
Yet, the anger never comes. In fact, the only abuse Ursula receives is a light tap against the side of her head. And to her surprise, the contact is cool instead of warm.
Sophia retracts the bottle but doesn't drink from it anymore. "My god, you're really something. I've never seen anyone look as pathetic as you do. Even someone who's kicked all the puppies in the existence wouldn't look as sad as you."
"I'm… sorry?"
Sophia rolls her eyes. "Yeah, I get it. You don't have to apologize. In fact, you can stop apologizing. Has anyone told you that you do that too much?"
"It… may have been mentioned once or twice."
"I was kidding, but that doesn't sound like a joke from you." Sophia sighs. "I was never angry that you killed Egor in that forest. The kid lost his mind a long time ago. I'm surprised he hadn't done anything criminal until then. He tried to kill you, and you only defended yourself. I can't get mad at you for that. The only reason I ever wanted to hunt you down was because of what you had done ten years ago."
"Then why didn't you on the day I arrived with Akko and Diana?" Ursula asks.
"Do you really think I would kill you with those kids in my house? Imagine them finding their professor dead or missing. I won't be so cruel. But mainly… the way you held yourself didn't seem like someone who would willing do something as malicious as rob a spellcaster of their magic." Sophia places her bottle onto the grass beside her. "Chariot du Nord, I forgave you a long time ago. I think it's about time you do the same for yourself."
Ursula smiles lightly. "It's something I'm working on." She takes her first large gulp of alcohol. The warm liquid burns her throat, but she bears through it.
Sophia guffaws. "I can tell you don't drink often."
Ursula coughs. "It… isn't one of my indulgences. Is that honey I taste? I'm surprised."
"What? Doesn't seem like something I'd drink?" Sophia raises an eyebrow in challenge.
"I assumed you were the vodka type."
"Of course you would. That's all my country is known for, isn't it?"
"That and wrestling bears. We have a student from Russia who does on her free time."
Sophia pales. "We don't… actually wrestle bears here. It's an old, misinformed joke. And you say a student does that? Hm, perhaps some of the families who live in rural areas partake in that ridiculous sport. Who is the student?"
"Jasminka Antonenko. I don't think the Antonenko family is too well known- Eh?! Lady Sophia why are you scowling?!"
"I know them, I know them very well," Sophia grumbles. "Crazy folks way up north. Yeah, they're definitely the type to wrestle bears for fun. Their standing isn't anywhere near the Six Great Houses, but they've done some pretty insane stuff. Fought against Egor one time and they keep pestering me to send some of my homunculi as punching bags. They're definitely a couple of folks with a few screws loose."
"Oh! But Jasminka is such a sweet girl. I wouldn't have imagined her family to be a couple of fighting fanatics."
"Yeah, well," Sophia points to the collapsed children farther away, "did you think those idiots came from a family of knights?"
Unable to refute, Ursula nods solemnly. "Looks can sure be deceiving…"
"Fuah!" After taking another gulp from his water bottle, Daniel collapses onto his back with his arms and legs sprawled out. "I can't run anymore! I'm done!" He turns his head over to Sakura and Katherine, who are sitting on the grass and talking amicably. On the other side, Ursula and Sophia are laughing about something as well. "Geez, they're all so cheerful. Even that terrifying woman looks completely at ease."
Diana takes a seat beside him, choosing to sit with her legs crossed in front of her. "I had thought those two shared some animosity. However, it seems they have communicated what needed to be and are on good terms now."
"All while we were running for our lives." Daniel raises an arm and clenches his fist. "This stupid exercise isn't even relevant to getting accustomed to my new arm."
"Why did you try to match your pace with mine? You know this body has higher capabilities than the normal human's."
"Hah, and get ridiculed even more? As if I would allow that!" Daniel turns to the side to grumble, "Even though I had to use Magna Aestus halfway through to keep up. That body of yours is something."
"Your petty competitiveness rivals Akko's."
"I have a feeling you just insulted me. Speaking of which, where is your girlfriend anyway? I would have expected her to accompany you, given how much you two care for each other."
Usually just mentioning the world 'girlfriend' would cause some sort of disturbance in Diana's composure. But instead of abashment, Diana's entire demeanor turns solemn and rather depressing.
Diana's thumbs circle around her water bottle. "She was severely injured a few days ago. An attack on the school left her bedridden. She is still recovering, hence I am here with Professor Ursula instead."
"I'm… sorry to hear that."
"Don't be. You had no way of knowing."
The familiar guilt gnaws at her insides. Diana closes her eyes and focuses on the cool condensation underneath the pads of her thumbs. The droplets stick to her skin, some even absorbed through. If her hands were still steel, she wouldn't be able to perceive such a natural process.
"Diana, hey Diana." Daniel places a hand on Diana's shoulder. "Stare at your bottle any harder and it may spontaneously combust. I know you're skilled enough to cast a wandless spell."
Diana shakes her head, peeling her eyes from her bottle to face Daniel. "You give me too much credit. I told you I am nowhere near as skilled as you believe. Magna Aestus is the only wandless spell I can cast with efficiency."
"That doesn't mean you can't perform it at all." Daniel retracts his arm and scoots a few centimeters away now that Diana's attention is back to him. "Look, you've haven't given me any reason to doubt your capabilities. Not to mention you were the one to suppress the Witch of Corruption with Fei Wong Reed- Why are you staring at me?"
Diana blinks. "Oh, I apologize. I hadn't realized my gaze was lingering."
"What? Is there something on my face?" Daniel grumbles.
"No, you… you remind me of my father."
Daniel's mouth opens, then snaps shut as he understands why. "My scar." The tips of his fingers graze the long, horizontal mark across the bridge of his nose. "I suppose my haircut doesn't help either. Mother tells me I look nearly identical to Uncle Arthur in his youth before he married Lady Bernadette. The only difference is," Daniel scowls, "I am… shorter."
"I do not have many clear memories of my father from childhood. Most of what I remember is after his soul entered my body through the Brisingr."
"Ah, I am the same. Well, with the exception of the soul conundrum." Daniel pulls his legs to his chest and rests the top of his head on his kneecaps. "I have some memories, but they're hazy at best. Though your father did pass away before mine."
"Pardon me, but I was never too familiar with Uncle Welkin."
"Father was… different from Uncle Arthur and Grandfather. I have to say he was pretty different from Matthew too. In a family such as ours, he was the black sheep who cared little for fighting. He learned our techniques, but never took pride in his skills. He wasn't like me with low confidence; he just never held any interest. He resolved to take up the title as the next head of the House of Reinhardt after Uncle Arthur for no greater reason than to please Grandfather. He held no personal desire to take the title." Daniel sighs. "Mother says he would have hated to take a life. I can certainly believe that."
Diana's grip tightens around her bottle. "And how do you feel about that?"
"Killing? I can't say; I've never actually taken a life. The closest was against Renatus back in the Arcturus Forest. But he injured me and fled before I could do more than nick his eye."
"How about the thought of it? In a what-if scenario?"
Daniel hums. "The thrill of battle both frightens and innervates me. But to actually kill… I suppose I would not hesitate."
Diana's eyes widen. "You would willingly take the life of someone else? Even if they had loved ones waiting for them?"
"It's the same for us though. We have people we can't lose either. When you're on the battlefield, you either defend yourself or you let yourself be killed. Instead of losing your own life, you take the life of the one who is trying to kill you and those important to you."
"I don't believe it's as simple as you say."
"Probably not. But there's no point thinking about situations that haven't happened. In any case, I stand by my belief that there is no reason to abhor taking a life if it is to defend yourself and what you cherish."
"And what if I have already made such a decision… and have come to regret it?"
Daniel lifts his head. His eyes widen as understanding dawns on him. "I am an idiot. You were the one who took Renatus' life in the end. You're… my god, how long have you been thinking about this?"
Diana's thumbs return to circling around her bottle. Though the condensation around that area has been rubbed away, the smoothness of the plastic helps calm Diana's nerves.
"I can't give you a definite answer. Truthfully, I've lost track of the time."
Daniel runs a hand through his short blonde hair, the action so reminiscent of Arthur Reinhardt that it strikes a pang in Diana's chest. Her thumbs circle faster.
"You had no other choice. Renatus was trying to kill you. To kill all of us," Daniel reasons.
"I understand that much. I know my reasons are sound. However…" Her thumbs stop moving. Instead, she clenches her hands and digs her thumbs into the plastic. "I can't forget the warmth of his chest entrapping my arm, as the blood soaked into the blades forming my body. My arm had slid so easily through his body. I had taken his life without much hesitation."
"You had to. Otherwise, it would have been you with the hole in your chest."
"And what if this occurs again? And again, and again, and again? What if I continue to kill until I stand on a mountain of corpses, all for the sake of living?!"
The bottle between her hands burst. It attracts the attention of the other four women farther away. However, the boy sitting next to her doesn't flinch.
Fierce teal connects with weary blue. "Then live! You have every right to lament death. But that doesn't mean it's acceptable to let it drive you to insanity. What is the point of surviving if the thought of what is lost drags you down with the corpses?!"
Diana flings the broken bottle away from her. "How do I achieve peace when it haunts every corner of my consciousness?!"
"You stop considering it an entirely horrible thing!"
Diana starts. "In what universe is murder not atrocious in the least?!"
"Maybe if you stopped thinking about all the negatives and focused on what you still have!" Daniel growls. "Or better yet, stop thinking so much in general. You're a bright and gifted witch, Diana. But your logic will get you killed through insanity rather than by a blade that you can easily avoid."
"I-" Diana shakes her head. "That is easier said than done."
"I know. Baby steps. Start with what you know. Who's been beside you all this time? Who was there for you the moment you could even remember killing Renatus?"
Diana's eyes widen. "Akko."
"And she's not the only one, is she? There's your roommates who were always glued by you even though I've only seen them once." Daniel gestures to Ursula as she and Sophia come over to check on them. "That professor of yours seems to care about you from what I see. And I'm sure there are others back at Luna Nova and back home. You have Katherine and I as well."
"Countless. Before I knew it, the number of people whom I held dear increased so much that I cannot keep track." Diana opens and closes her fists in front of her, imagining all of the people she cannot afford to lose. The amount exceeds the number of fingers, too many for her to grasp with her small, weak hands.
"All of us are here for you. One day, you're going to have to make that horrible decision again to save one of us. When that day comes, there will be someone standing by your side to make sure you make the right choice and never regret it for long."
Diana shakes her head. "And what if I cannot? I am but one person. I cannot save everyone."
"Are you even listening to me?" Daniel flicks Diana's forehead, earning a surprised gasp from her. "There are numerous people who stand beside you. Just as you want to protect us, we want to protect you as well. You're not holding us all in the palm of your hands; we stand beside you. You don't have big enough hands to hold us all. No one does. That is why trust and support is so important."
Diana rubs her sore forehead. "You are… quite confident in this."
Daniel scoffs. "I was the one who asked you to help me lead the House of Reinhardt in the first place. I know how difficult it is to take on heavy burdens by myself. As I said before, I'm surprised you haven't been crushed yet. It's alright to accept help from others to relieve some weight from your shoulders."
Sophia's barking laughter pulls the two from their conversation. "Alright, I've held back long enough. You're not such a stupid brat after all, Reinhardt. You can say some pretty meaningful things. And you, Diana. You must be a bigger idiot than I thought if you're getting lectured by him."
"I'm not sure if I want to argue against your insult or simply take your praise," Daniel mutters.
"My thoughts as well," Diana says.
"'What if I kill again?' So what if you do?" Sophia towers over the two children. From her height, it's impossible to avoid looking at the scars that mar her face and chest. "As long as you're human, you'll be selfish. As long as you're selfish, you'll want things. To get what you want, you have to make decisions and put in the effort. Sometimes it means sacrificing; you may lose more than you gain. But in the end, you'll gain something no matter how little- even if that small victory means you don't lose everything. And as long as that miniscule speck of hope exists, you can keep walking forward with your head held high."
"If you let the past hold you back, you'll never attain the happiness you worked so hard for!" Sakura adds. "Then what's the point of those sacrifices in the first place?"
Ursula clasps her hands in front of her and smiles. "We've all lost something, some more than others. What's important is to not forget that you still have a future. Of all people, I have faith that you, Diana, can conquer your fears and make the right decisions. After all, you've done so in the past."
Katherine nods fervently. "Diana can do it! One or ten or hundreds; she can overcome anything!"
Daniel smirks. "There you have it. If you want a longer lecture, I'm sure your girlfriend would love to give you an earful. Once she's healed, of course."
Red tints her cheeks, the embarrassment reaching the tips of her ears. "I…" Diana sighs in defeat. "I suppose I needed this."
"You have many burdens, Diana. But you tend to take on most of the responsibility yourself. You only need a reminder that you don't have to suffer alone," Ursula says kindly.
"Who would even want to anyway?" Daniel rolls his eyes. "I understand your kindness and concern for others, but to drown yourself in despair is more than just a little illogical."
"You've got a lot on your plate. Getting attacked not long after you died already can mess up anyone's sanity. The most I can do right now is fortify your body and make sure it's durable enough so you don't die as easily. I can't offer much el-" Sophia suddenly tenses. "The barrier's been breached."
"What?!" five voices shout simultaneously.
Sophia pulls out her wand and swivels around toward the mansion. "Looks like whoever's after you followed you here. I'll need to-"
"Lady Sophia? Is something wrong?" Ursula asks. "Why did you stop?"
Sophia grits her teeth and growls. Her eyes are fixated on the bodies crowding around the outside of the estate. "Why are my homunculi standing there?"
"What do you mean? Didn't you order them to guard the entrance?" Sakura asks.
"Like hell I did. And even if I had issued such an order, I'd put one or two on post. Not this many." Sophia frowns. "What the hell is covering their bodies?"
"Those black tendrils… They're pulsing with some kind of magic signature. But I can't recognize it," Sakura says.
"More are still coming out." Katherine squints her eyes. "I'm counting a dozen. No, it's reached two dozen now!"
Daniel reaches toward the ground to grab the Brisingr, strapping the sheathed sword to his waist and then pulling out the blade to stand on guard. He steps in front of Katherine and Sakura by Diana's side. He places his hand on his chest and quickly activates Magna Aestus.
The quick movement of the sliding the blade draws Diana's attention from the homunculi bodies to Daniel's sword. The sword is just as she remembers it to be. Its standard broadsword form belies its strength and potential. It is both a physical weapon as it is an amplification tool that channels outside magical energy through the blade and shoots the augmented energy back out in the form of a powerful beam. Even now without activating it, Diana can picture the red blade glowing in preparation for the coming fight.
A unique weapon stained red from the countless lives it has taken. A sword drenched in blood. Sharp steel tearing through her flesh, not from the outside but erupting from within her body. As she is torn apart by swords-
Another sharp flick to her forehead halts her spiraling thoughts. When Diana regains her bearings, Daniel's body hides the red blade from her sight.
"I know this is impossible to ask for, but you will need to bear with the Brisingr's presence. I cannot fight without it. I'll try to stay out of your line of sight as much as I can. I… hadn't realized you had lingering trauma regarding swords." Daniel grumbles, "I should have; it's obvious."
Diana shakes her head. "No, I'm alright."
"Your pale complexion says otherwise. And you're shaking."
Diana grabs the arm holding her wand, finding that she is indeed shaking as Daniel says. Drops of sweat dampen the back of her neck.
Daniel sighs. "In any case, watch yourself. If something really is after your life, you will be in the most danger."
Ursula steps next to them, her own wand brandished. "Diana, stay here to protect Katherine and Sakura. Daniel will hold against the homunculi while I search for the intruder."
"I'll disconnect the stone powering their bodies," Sophia says. "For fucks sake, this is like last year all over again."
Diana clenches her teeth. She wants to protest, but remembers what Daniel and the others had just said not ten minutes ago.
"Just as you want to protect us, we want to protect you as well."
So instead, all Diana does is nod and say, "Be careful."
"They're coming!" Sophia announces.
The white bodies charge forward. With a plan agreed upon, Ursula, Daniel, and Sophia separate toward their respective destinations.
Author's Notes:
Once again, this chapter got a lot longer than I initially planned. Who knew so many characters were so messed up?
Fun Fact:
Cam, aka W-IIV on FFN and Worldsinwords on AO3, is the one who reminded me that Diana should be averse to swords and other large sharp objects of the like after her traumatic death. She's also the one who gave me some ideas about what habits Diana would develop as minor consequences to her PTSD. Which is why Diana fixates on the materials of things she touches so much.
Cam's the writer of Sick of Losing Soulmates, the first multi-chapter angst fic I read and liked for LWA. That was… wow two years ago LOL Damn it's been forever. Anyway go read her stuff she writes so much. Also if you like Hamanda, she loves that too. Underneath Cracked Masks is her new big project :]