The scars of your love remind me of us

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all

The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
Rolling in the Deep-Adele

Chapter 11

France-November 1944

Somehow he made it outside before he let his body collapse against the side of the building. What had he done? He'd never meant…sliding down the wall he knowing he should march back in there and comfort her, beg forgiveness that would probably never be coming, what had he been thinking?

Ah but she had to pay, you saw her with Buck, she's betrayed you. Can you imagine the laughter they would have enjoyed if you had taken her with care and kindness? Oh its better this way, she'll remember that you went out like a man.

Shaking his head he pushed back to his feet. He didn't feel like a man, he felt like a child that had broken his toy to prevent anyone else from having it. In other words, he felt like the bastard he was. She didn't deserve it and even if she did, he could have walked way, he could've asked why, but no he had to show her that he was the one in power.

Walking back to where his company was staying he decided that maybe he needed to get away from her, away from here. England might give him the break he needed and hell after being shot in Holland, maybe he could find the forgiveness he sought in another woman he'd not found with her.

"How could you do it, I loved you and would have given you anything you desired. Guess now you'll think of me when you're with him."

Those words kept replaying in her mind, words that still made no sense. Rolling to her side she watched through the window as the sky darkened. She was hiding and she knew it. Was afraid of seeing him again, afraid of facing anyone. Until she got her own emotions under control and made sense of this she would lock herself away because she just couldn't face anyone yet.

"Kellie, please open the door, I know you are not feeling well but please let me in." Sandra dropped her head against the door listening for any sound from the other side. When she'd gotten the note from Kellie about not feeling well, she'd not really been concerned. Some kind of stomach virus was making the rounds and she'd just thought it had caught Kellie, but that was seven days ago and no one had seen or heard from her.

When she heard boots coming up the stairs she turned her head to see Buck slowly making his way closer. "Anything?"

Sandra shook her head, "no, and she won't answer me and I'm really starting to worry."

"Well are you even sure she's in there, I mean she could have gone to get something to eat."

"No the door is locked and I know she's in there." Sandra knocked on the door again, this time her voice conveyed her frustration. "Damn it Kellie open this door or so help me God I'm gonna have Buck knock it down."

The soft click of the lock had Sandra breathing a sigh of relief. "Thank God, I'll see you later Buck."

Pushing into the room she squinted in the dimness to see anything. "Uh, Kellie do you mind if we turn on the light?"

"Yes I mind, I like the dark, leave it off."

Sighing she let her eyes adjust then finally eased closer to the bed, where she could only assume her friend was lying. "Hey, so how are you feeling?"

"Tired, very tired, so now that you've seen me you can go."

Sandra frowned, something was off and she wanted to find out what was going on. This was more than a stomach virus. "No I'm not going." Reaching over she turned on the light and gasped in shock at what it revealed.

Kellie lay limp on the bed, her hair greasy and matted around her head clearly reflecting her lack of care at her appearance, the dark circles under her eyes showed several days without sleep. There was something worse than a stomach flu going on here.

"Kellie, please talk to me? You know we are moving and I need you I can't just leave you here."

Kellie rolled to her back and stared at Sandra with blank eyes, "yes you can. Where is he?"

"Buck? He left, it's just us?"

Kellie shook her head, "no I want to know about Ron."

"Oh him, yeah Buck said he looked a little tense when he dragged you out of the mess hall, he went to England on R&R I think. Why do you want him?"

Kellie slowly pushed herself up and sat on the side of the bed. He was no longer in France that was the push she needed. She had to get out of this room, pull herself together and brace herself to face him.

The bruises around her wrist had faded so she didn't have to worry about anyone asking questions, well except for Sandra and Buck who would ask what had been wrong.

Turning her head she stared at Sandra, "I don't need him for anything." The venom in her voice was there even though it contained so much sadness, "however, I could use some help getting cleaned up."

Sandra smiled and tugged at Kellie's hair, "yeah I can see that, if nothing else it's going to take the both of us to comb that mess out."

Standing she began to undress her mind already focusing on how she would take care of herself and a child. She knew there was no way she could tell him, not after what he'd done and he'd made it clear he didn't want her, and damn if this time it hadn't hurt her worse when he'd walked out on her in Tocca. But this time, she had a new life to protect from his untrusting ways. She was so lost in her thoughts she'd forgotten Sandra was in the room until she heard a gasp. "What's wrong?"

Sandra pointed at her stomach, the tears glistening in her eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Looking down she laughed at the fact she put her hand on her stomach. "I didn't know how to tell you and right now I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do."

"Well you can't stay here, we need to get you back to England and then the states, and you need to start taking care of yourself."

Kellie chuckled, "yes I know I do, but…"

The pounding on the door ended the conversation. "Sandra…Kellie hey you guys need to get to the hospital quick. Doc says we need to pack out, we're moving."

Both of them exchanged looks and Kellie shrugged, "looks like this is gonna have to wait a little." She held up her hand before Sandra could start talking, "I'll take it easy and be careful, but I just can't walk out right now."

Sandra rubbed her hands down her face in frustration. "Fine but when we get to where ever they are dragging us, you and I are going to find a way to make sure that you and your child are safe."

Kellie smiled, "okay agreed, now let me bath and get dressed before some unsuspecting soul breaks down the door."

Everyone was running, men scurrying to find extra ammo, clothing whatever they thought they might need. It had been easy to avoid anyone with the exception of medical personnel and the chaos was exactly what Kellie had needed. She didn't want to think any more, there would be time to think when they arrived at…well wherever they were headed too.

"Okay so I've got as much loaded as I can. Unfortunately they aren't letting us take more, something about the trucks already being over packed and…Kellie are you listening to me?"

Standing at the back of the truck she'd made the mistake of actually looking around while Sandra spoke and in that fateful moment she saw him. Whether it was the weight of her stare or by some chance his eyes met hers across the road.

For a brief second she saw the sadness and regret in his eyes, hell his body even swayed as if he was going to approach her. What did he see reflected in her eyes? Pain, sadness or the love she still carried for the idiot. Because damn her soul to hell, she still loved him and would probably die loving him. Why couldn't she hate him for what he'd done to her?

When Sandra stepped in front of her, she lost him and focused on the woman in front of her, who currently had a look of pity on her face. "You still love him don't you?"

Kellie didn't trust her own voice; the tears for this horrible situation, and Sandra's pity, were too close to the surface. So she nodded yes to the question and leaned around Sandra with the hopes of seeing one more glimpse of him. Yet like a ghost he was gone, taking with him all the hopes for the future she'd ever held.

Ron found his body frozen and couldn't stop himself from watching her. He'd run to England like a scared little boy, afraid to face his terrible actions, and now it was too late. He'd given it some thought while he was away and while he regretted his actions he didn't regret the reasons behind them; the thought of her betrayal still fed his anger.

But the look in her eyes had nearly undone all the hatred he'd built, she still loved him. Oh he saw the anger and hurt there, but she did still love him. Why? Did that mean he'd been wrong, once again the doubt creeping into his mind. Her eyes burned into his soul and the pain it caused had him swaying on his feet, maybe if he could…

His reprieve came in the form of someone stepping between them. The staring contest broken he was able to force his body to more. He had to escape those eyes, the eyes he knew would haunt him, even if he could maintain his belief she'd cheated on him.

Bastogne-1944

She'd never been so cold in her life. The old church was filled to capacity, the wounded screaming in pain coupled with the dying stacked like wood and yet it was never warm. They had been dumped here ten days ago, the supplies had run out in five days and now they were using what whiskey was left along with sheets of the dead to treat the wounded.

Leaning up against the wall she smoked what was close to being her last cigarette, damn what she wouldn't give a for supply drop. Rubbing her hand down her coat she thought about how in a very sad and warped way she'd been lucky. With the wounded dying she had been able to cover her pregnancy with a very long coat and supplement larger uniforms with those taken from the dead. Oh yeah she was turning out to be a real grave robber.

She heard the door behind her open and assumed it was Sandra, who like her was probably taking a break. Turning she saw she was correct as the other woman slid into the small niche she'd found to block the wind.

"Damn, freeze out here or endure the stench of drying blood…not sure what is worse. So how are feeling?"

Kellie shrugged, "tired like everyone else and desperate for a supply drop, just like everyone else."

"Ha, but not everyone else is five months pregnant." Ignoring the death glare Kellie was sending her she patted the stomach that was well hidden under the jacket. "So how is our boy today?"

Kellie couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous this whole conversation was. "He is not happy and why are you so convinced it's a he?"

"Seriously, you have met Ron Speirs right, so do you see him producing any less than a boy…I mean come on he got you pregnant with what, the first time you guys slept together in England? Yep, my money is on a boy."

Kellie chuckled and finished her cigarette, "well I better head back in I really hate leaving Renee and them alone for too long."

Sandra reached out and grabbed her arm, "Kellie, you need to tell him. I'm not sure what happened back in France, but he needs to know."

"Yeah I know, I'll get a note to him and we'll see what happens." Turning she headed back down into the church basement that served as the hospital. At least up to this point it had been a safe shelter, she could only hope that it would remain that way.

He stood for a moment watching her. Something about her movements was wrong, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. Shaking his head he quickly tamped down any of the feelings of caring that tried to surface, he wasn't about to let her weasel back into his heart. The hate he'd nurtured needed to be fed.

Stepping inside the small room he moved to one side which allowed him to slam the door. He smirked when she jumped and dropped what she'd been holding.

"Alright, I got your note. So what was so important that you needed to see me right now?"

Kellie tried to slow her racing heart. He'd slammed the door to scare her intentionally and his tone was already on the defensive. Putting her hands in her pockets she turned to face him. "Thank you for coming. How are you?"

Lifting an eyebrow he leaned against the wall crossing his arms over his chest. "Why do you care? I figured after what I did in France you'd want me dead."

She gave him a sad smile, "you know that's not true. You know I still have feelings for you and always have. Can't you please consider those feelings for just a moment?"

"Consider your feelings? Ha, after all you've done? After you have lied and tried to manipulate me. What feelings could you possibly have that I should consider?"

This time she couldn't stop the tears, damn pregnancy hormones. Wiping her face she tried to focus on what she needed to say. "Okay I'll get to the point, I want to tell you something, something I was going to tell you back in France before…but I just want you to know that I don't expect anything from you."

"Well that's good to know, because right now I could walk past your dead body with pause."

The coldness of his words and the look in his eyes was worse than any cold she'd felt from the biting winds outside. She had to just get this over with, and then she could lie down and lick her wounds. Licking her chapped lips she took a deep breath and blurted out what she longed to tell him. "I'm pregnant."

With those two words Ron's mind shut down. That had been the last thing he expected her to say. His brain began to scramble for dates and quickly realized she was telling the truth. Maybe this could be their chance, this was the door he'd been waiting for all he had to do was walk through it and then they could be together again.

Ah but remember the rumors…are you sure that it's even yours?

And just like that the warm thoughts he'd been thinking fled in the face of the beast that was his hate. "Yeah, well ain't that just too bad for you. But hey, maybe Buck will step up and take the credit."

Kellie frowned, where was this coming from? "What are you talking about, I'd rather it be born a bastard than try and pass your baby off as someone else's."

His smirk should have warned her that he was about to say something worse, but the pain was like a knife in the chest when he finally spoke.

"That's good you feel that way since I'm not changing my mind."

She had to try and sway him; he just had to try one last time. "Ron listen I know you are angry with me for something…"

"Kellie just shut up. God, I was willing to give you everything then I hear you're fucking someone else and then I see you supporting him when you should have been there for me. I've had enough of your lies."

Kellie couldn't stop the hysterical laughter that bubbled up through her throat, "You stupid bastard! You practically rape me; leave me lying on the floor when you're done over some stupid rumor? A rumor you didn't even bother to ask me about?"

When he said nothing but just continued to stare at her like a bug she threw up her hands. "Well you know this is a war zone, maybe we'll all get lucky and I'll get killed."

Ron turned for the door pausing before he opened it, "yeah well I've never been that lucky. But trust me, if it happens, I won't lose any sleep over it."

Kellie walked to the open door to watch him weave his way through the wounded and start up the stairs. It didn't matter what he'd said, he was wrong and they both were she should have said something sooner. God help her but she still loved him and wanted him happy, even if it meant letting him walk away. "Good-bye Ron, be safe. I hope you find happiness.

He never expected to find Buck waiting on him when he returned from Bastogne. But yet there stood the man, bold as life. "What do you want Compton?"

Buck shook his head, "Ron you need to know something, something I think you don't understand…I've been with Sandra for a while now, I never slept with Kellie. She would never sleep with me saying I'd never understand her and that she didn't feel it was fair to me to lead me on."

Ron dropped his head, "so you are telling me, that when I saw you two together in France…"

"That's right; she was just having coffee and keeping me entertained while Sandra, the woman I've been with finished her shift."

"Oh my god…I need to go. Thanks for telling me." Ron turned his back on Buck and headed deeper into the forest. He knew if he was going to be sick he didn't want anyone to witness it.

Berlin-1957

Ron sat up in his bed, his head pounding and his heart throbbing in time. He'd never wanted to think about that meeting. Him and his stupid jealously had ruined it all, he'd never been given the chance to say he was sorry…never the chance to see his child.

Moaning he dropped back on the bed. He could still see her face, pale and thin, her heart breaking with every word he'd said. He only found out the truth about Buck and her after he'd returned to the forest and by that time she was dead. Her and Buck had stopped seeing each other months before, and in fact Buck lost his girlfriend in the same bombing.

Maybe this was his penance, to come so close to having it all back only to find out it wasn't her. The ripping off of the scab that covered his heart, yeah he deserved the hell he'd lived in for the last thirteen years and probably for the rest of his life, because there had never been anyone who could match her.

Glancing at the clock he realized it was time to go, he had to get to work and maybe if he threw himself into his work, the nightmares would go away.