"Innocent" I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back
Crap.
I blew it.
I really blew.
How did I let myself do this? How did I let myself go this far without it clicking? How did I manage to loose myself, my mind, trying to get back to the ways things were?
Before I had to walk a tightrope between my love and my duty to not scar her.
Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
And everybody believed in you?
This was so much more easier when I was little. I would pull her hair, or hit with something, then I'd tell her a secret – cos I liked her a lot.
When I could crawl up into my then big bed with mum, and tell her about how much I liked her – how I was gonna marry her one day.
Everyone believed that I'd do it too.
Charlie, Mum, Dad, even Bella's Mum. Sometimes, even Bella mumbled something about marrying me just to spite her mother.
And I believed that I was gonna marry her too – how could I not? She was the only girl I'd ever loved.
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
You're still an innocent
"You're still my sun." She whispered possessively into my ear, that night.
"You're still bright."
There's some things you can't speak of
But tonight you'll live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you would sing what you know now then
It's been one year.
Tonight.
And yet, I still can't speak of it.
I'm living it all again tonight – much more vividly than any other night.
And as the memories of that kiss, of that fight, of that marriage ceremony float back to me, I lay shattered on my floor, surrounded by them.
I hum the song that we first danced to – silly and wild and out of control, with Bella tripping over herself, and my catching her, only to laugh and do all again.
The song by Lady Antebellum.
Bottle Up Lightning.
"I wish I would've taken a few more chances, spun you 'round the room a few more dances, Just for once look past these fences, Followed your heart over that horizon, Never looking back just keep on driving, But holding you is just like trying…" My voice broke as the last words fell out of my mouth
"To bottle up lightning."
Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep?
Before the monsters caught up to you?
I remember those summers, that summer before I was a wolf. Creeping around the garden, jars in hand – just like every other year – trying to catch more fireflies then her.
She used to let me win – I was taller, but she was older. It was sort of her obligation to let me win.
I remember chasing her – chasing after her that summer, until exhausted falling asleep.
Like that day – when she found out who I was.
When the monsters caught up to me.
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
"I still love you Jake,"
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
The years have been 'kind' to me. 32 and still looking like I did when I was sixteen.
I was still growing up.
And boy was it a tough crowd.
"I can't believe he's like, 30! He's still hot though!"
"I heard he's into cosmetic surgery."
"I heard he got into steroids."
The lies and half truths hurt almost as much as the memories.
"I can't believe that he's still in love with that skinny little nobody who shot thorugh when she was 18. That white chic. Crazy depressed and all."
Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Time has softened my emotions towards her, and each September is different, new. But it still reminds me of her.
"Everyone messes up Jake. The whole idea I s to make sure that when you do, no one sees and no one gets hurt."
Crap I messed up.
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to
Be brand new
I'm still alone though.
I never fell in love again.
Never found my imprint.
So much for time.
"Today is never too late to be brand new. You told me that Jake,"
Her words from the past, assaulting my senses.
It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
"Jake you're still innocent. You don't get it."
What don't I get Bella? I share my mind with a bunch of horny pubesant wolves!
She shook her head. "You're still innocent."
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent
"I still love you. You're still my sun. Who you are is not where you've been or what you've done. It's how you view yourself."
Right now, I'm alone.
And still an innocent.