Hello friends! Sorry to abandon you for so long, but I hope you know that this story was never far from my mind. I've been dealing with some difficult stuff in my personal life that had to take center stage for awhile, but I'm ready to get back to the story as writing (and reading reviews from amazing people like you) are great stress relievers for me. This is by far the longest fic I've ever written and I'm determined to see it through, no longer how long it may end up. This may sound crazy, but I've actually outlined the next nine chapters of the story (and am not sure that I'll even end it there) so trust me when I say that there is much more Caskett-y goodness to come. I'm particularly excited for Chapter 14 which includes a long-awaited cameo by Nikki Heat. Trust me when I say that you won't want to miss it!
Thank you for all the past reviews. I'm up to an astonishing 123 reviews, 64 favorites, and 146 alerts. So glad you liked the last chapters as it was one of my favorite to write. It was definitely tough trying to write dialogue for all of those characters, but I'm glad to hear that it worked for most of you. I'm not going to list all my reviewers here since there were 28 of them this time, but trust me when I say that I read and greatly appreciated each and everyone of them. But I do want to send an extra special thanks to Einstein21R for my first review in German (which I was able to read through the magic of Google Translator) and Kate for her many kind words in her recent review.
I came across this quote while trying to come up with a chapter title and think it applies beautifully to this story in ways that will become more apparent in upcoming chapters.
"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering." - Paulo Coelho
Rick gave Kate's hand a gentle squeeze in response. "I'll make you a deal, sweetheart. Your medicine should be kicking in by now and you look exhausted. Just close your eyes and rest, and when you wake up, it will be all over and I'll be right here, still holding your hand."
And with that, Rick placed a gentle kiss on Kate's forehead, watching her eyes slip closed as she allowed the medications to pull her under, secure for the moment in the knowledge that she was loved more than she ever thought possible.
Rick drew in deep breath as he watched Kate sleep for several seconds, wanting to capture every ounce of her, her scent, her beautiful face that was so relaxed and blissfully pain free in sleep, and the silky texture of her shining chestnut hair. But most of all, Rick wanted to memorize the warmth of Kate's hand wrapped possessively in his and the steady and reassuring thump of her heart that faintly beat against his wrist while his hand lay over her heart. It was almost physically painful to pry his hand from hers and take his eyes off of her, but Rick knew with every passing second, Kate was losing more blood. Time was not a luxury Kate had at the moment and the surgery Dr. Jameson had agreed to perform was already risky enough without starting Kate off at a disadvantage due to bottoming out blood pressure.
Reluctantly, Rick bent down and placed a gentle kiss on Kate's forehead before pulling back to gaze at her face for a few more precious seconds. "I love you, Kate Beckett," Rick whispered to her sleeping form. "Always have, always will. Be strong, honey. I'll be here when you wake up," he finished, tucking an errant strand of hair behind her ear as he did so. Slowly, he stood, his bones creaking from the long night spent hunched over Kate's bedside. He stretched quickly, feeling the tightness in his aching muscles that barely hinted at the tension that his mind and body had been through in the last 24 hours. With a final glance to reassure himself that Kate was still sleeping peacefully, he pushed open the door and alerted Kate's nurse that she was ready to be transported upstairs for her surgery.
Rick drew in a deep breath, trying to steady himself against the gradually growing feeling of loss at not being at Kate's bedside. He knew without a doubt that the next few hours would be torture for him. No matter how much faith he had in Dr. Jameson, it didn't change the facts of what would be happening while Kate was in surgery. She would be under general anesthesia, which came with its own set of risks, even for someone who was perfectly healthy and undergoing a routine test or procedure. Being under general anesthesia also meant that Kate's body would be paralyzed with medications, requiring that the surgeons intubate her and mechanically assist her breathing. Dr. Jameson had promised that Kate would be extubated as soon as humanly possible, hopefully in the recovery room assuming that she was oxygenating well and that her lungs had tolerated the surgery well. One of Kate's greatest fears (and thus Rick's as well) was that she would need to be on a ventilator for a while after the surgery in order to give her lungs a chance to heal. Kate was having a hard enough time tolerating the oxygen mask covering her nose and mouth, but the thought of a tube down her throat...Well, that had been enough to cause a mini-anxiety attack when the nurses had brought in the pages of informed consent paperwork for Kate to sign before her surgery all too early this morning. The paperwork had contained a mind-numbingly terrifying list of possible risks and complications including, unsurprisingly, death, but need for breathing assistance by ventilator was the one complication that Kate had not been able to shrug off.
Rick was just starting to ponder the numerous other risks to Kate's surgery could entail including bleeding out, developing a blood clot that could form a pulmonary embolism, having said clot migrate to her heart and cause a heart attack, or even worse having a clot migrate to Kate's brain, causing a stroke and permanent brain damage and paralysis, just to name a few, when he felt a warm hand clap him on the shoulder. He turned to see Jim Beckett standing just behind him, holding out a piping hot cup of coffee with steam still pouring off of it.
"Hey Rick, I know you had coffee earlier, but you looked like you could use some more, judging by the way you were sucking down that latte earlier. Hope you don't mind that it's just regular drip coffee. It's all I could find in the doctor's lounge," Jim said warmly, not failing to notice that Rick's hands were shaking slightly and he seemed deep in thought.
"Oh thanks, Mr. Be...I mean, Jim. I appreciate it. I think the lack of sleep is starting to catch up with me," Castle finished, taking the cup of coffee gratefully.
"Sure," Jim responded. "So Rick, how's my Katie doing? They bring her up for surgery yet?" he asked.
"I just left the room so Amy could go in and get her ready to go upstairs," Rick responded. "But I don't think they've moved her yet. The meds they gave her finally knocked her out, so she was sleeping when I left her. Where's everyone else?"
"I think Lanie was talking to Dr. Jameson and some of Kate's nurses while they prepped for her surgery and Detective Ryan had to head back to the precinct. Everyone else, including your mother and daughter, is upstairs in the surgery waiting room. We should probably head that way too," Jim finished.
Rick hesitated, his eyes instinctively going to the door to Kate's room, wanting desperately to see her one last time before the hours of waiting that were ahead of him.
Jim nodded, understanding almost immediately how difficult it would be for Rick to leave his Katie. He'd felt the same deep ache in the pit of his stomach as he'd walked out of Kate's room only minutes earlier. "It's hard, isn't it?" he said simply. "Let me ask you something, Rick. Did you tell her that you loved her before you said goodbye?"
Rick's eyes widened slightly at the question, surprised at how quickly Jim had seen through to the heart of his relationship with Kate. He decided that his only move was to be completely honest. "I did," he responded. "I told her that I loved her. Always," his voice choking slightly as he said the word "always" as it was a word that had come to symbolize so much about his relationship with Kate.
Jim nodded, seeming unsurprised by Rick's revelation. "Good," he said. "That's all you can do, Rick. She's got the very best nurses and doctors taking care of her thanks to you. Now it's out of our hands. I know how hard that is for you, but it's the truth, you know? Come on, I'll walk you upstairs," he finished, looking away to give Rick a moment to wipe away a tear from his shining eyes.
Rick blew out a shuddering breath and nodded, not trusting his voice enough to speak at the moment. With a final glance at Kate's room door, he turned and began to follow Jim down the hall towards the elevator. They'd both almost reached the elevator when Jim spoke again, quieter than before. "She loves you too, you know that Rick? She's not so good at the putting herself out there part, but I know it's true. The way she talks about you..." Jim trailed off, a slight smile on his face for the first time since his daughter had been shot.
Rick smiled as well, remembering Kate's midnight confession of love. The one that he hadn't been expecting. The one that he never dreamed could come so soon. He felt torn, wanting to tell Jim what Kate had said to him only hours earlier, but also wanting to respect her right to privacy and let her decide when and how to tell her father about their relationship. At the moment, Castle himself wasn't 100% sure what it meant, given that he and Kate hadn't had much time to discuss it themselves. The elevator door slid open with a ding and Jim and Rick stepped into it with Rick reaching out to push the button for the 8th floor. The elevator doors slid shut, and Jim and Rick were alone again, giving Rick the courage he needed to make a confession of his own.
"Actually Jim...she told me she loves me too last night. I'm not quite sure what that means for us just yet, since we've obviously been more focused on her health at the moment. But I love your daughter very much, and I intend to do everything I can to be here for her as long as she needs me," Castle finished, looking into Jim's eyes as he spoke, making sure that he communicated his intentions clearly to Kate's father.
Jim's slight smile was transformed into a wide grin at Rick's revelation. "That's great, Rick," Jim started. "She's lucky to have you...as are you to have her. And I have to say, it's a relief to know that she has you looking out for her since I know you'll take good care of her. You've already been doing a better job than I ever could in that regard. She's going to need you in the next few weeks and months. I have to warn you though. She's a pretty stubborn girl when she wants to be and she's never been very good at letting other people take care of her. Don't let her push you away, okay Rick?"
Rick nodded, amazed at how well Jim knew his daughter, not to mention how accepting he seemed to be at the idea of he and Kate together. "Yeah, I know what you mean, but there's nothing Kate could do to get rid of me at this point. I'm all in."
"Glad to hear it, Rick," Jim said warmly. "I think the family waiting room is just through here," he continued, pushing through a set of double doors and walking down a small corridor until he reached a small door labeled "Family Waiting Room – Surgery."
Rick followed after Jim and was nearly tackled by his daughter Alexis for the second time that morning as he walked through the door. "Dad!" Alexis exclaimed as she enveloped him in a tight hug, seemingly forgetting that Rick required oxygen to breathe like most human beings on the planet. "How are you? How's Beckett doing? Did they start her surgery yet?"
"Ooof...Need...air...'Lexis," Castle managed to gasp out while his lungs were still tightly compressed by Alexis' fierce hugging.
"Oops, sorry Dad," Alexis exclaimed sheepishly, relaxing her death grip on his torso. "I'm just so glad to see you. I've been so worried since the shooting and I missed you."
"I missed you too, sweet pea. Come on, let's sit down so we can talk, okay?" Rick requested as he directed them towards a comfortable looking overstuffed sofa across from Lanie and Javier and next to his mother. He sank to the couch, allowing his body to slump bonelessly against the well-worn but comfortable upholstery. Alexis sat herself next to him, angling her body so that she could tuck her feet under her body and rest her head on her father's shoulder. Castle smiled and wrapped his arm around Alexis' shoulder gratefully, welcoming the comfort of his daughter's embrace.
Alexis reached up to intertwine her fingers with her dad's when she suddenly stiffened, grabbing at his arm and turning it to expose his forearm, running her hand along the surprisingly tender flesh. "Dad, omigod! What happened to your arm? It looks awful! You should bandage it up so it doesn't get infected."
Castle looked down in confusion to his arm now cradled protectively in his daughter's lap, taking in the mess of red, crescent moon shaped indentations covering his forearm. In addition to the red indentations, there were four, deeper scratches that traversed the length of his forearm, all of which were scabbed over and an angry-looking deep red color that suggested that they were infected, or at least heading in that direction. Scattered amongst the scratches were small purplish bruises that were evenly spaced.
"Wha-?" Castle started, before remembering the cause of the scrapes and bruises mid-question. Kate. He thought back to their tense ride in the ambulance when Kate had gripped his arm as if it was the only thing tethering her to the earth. He remembered her later panic in the emergency room when he'd been reluctantly separated from her so that they could perform a chest x-ray and how she'd only held on to him even more tightly once they were reunited. He'd been so worried about Kate at the time that he'd barely felt the scrapes and bruises. He looked up to see his daughter and Lanie looking at him intensely, both waiting for an explanation for his injury.
"Oh, it's nothing," he started. "Kate was in a lot of pain and she has a surprisingly...firm grip, I guess."
"Oh wow, that's all from Beckett? She must have been really scared. Does it hurt?" asked Alexis worriedly.
"No, I didn't even notice it to you pointed it out to me. I'm fine. Looks worse than it is," reassured Rick.
Lanie raised her eyebrows at Castle's response. "Don't think so, Castle. Some of those scratches are looking nasty. If they aren't already infected, they will be soon. You really need to clean your arm up and cover it with a bandage. Come with me and I'll get you fixed up in no time. I'm sure that Amy will lend us some supplies."
Rick rolled his eyes at Lanie's request, but didn't argue, knowing that to do so would be futile. "Fine," he sighed exasperatedly. "But let's go now, I don't want to be gone for long in case they have any updates on Kate." He turned to Alexis. "I'll be back in just a few minutes, sweetheart. Keep my seat warm in the meantime, okay?"
Rick rose and followed Lanie out of the waiting room and down a seemingly endless series of corridors until she directed him to sit down on a table in an empty exam room. Lanie began confidently rummaging through the cabinets and quickly assembled all of the supplies she needed.
"Umm, Lanie? Are you sure we should be doing this? What are you going to say if someone walks in here?" Rick asked uneasily.
"Well, for starters Writer Boy, I'm wearing scrubs so I look like I belong. I actually think I still have privileges here too, not that they've been used in years, so I don't think anyone is going to question us too much. Okay, this is going to sting," Lanie warned as she began to dab hydrogen peroxide onto the many wounds on Castle's arm with what looked like an oversized Q-tip.
Castle sucked in a breath as the hydrogen peroxide hit the deepest scratch on his forearm causing the wound to burn fiercely for a few seconds before settling down to a much more manageable steady throb.
"Geez, Castle. Some of these cuts are nasty. Does Kate have eagle's talons or something? You should treat your girlfriend to a manicure...for your own safety if nothing else." Lanie quipped as she continued to clean the dozens of scratches to Castle's arm.
Rick let out a surprised chuckle at Lanie's remark that quickly built into slightly hysterical laughter as Lanie joined in. They continued to laugh helplessly for several seconds before they both stopped, sobered by the sudden reminder that their best friend was critically ill and in surgery. Rick was the first to speak.
"You know...it's funny. For a moment there, I almost forgot about...what happened. I felt almost...normal. Is that wrong?" Rick asked Lanie.
Lanie shook her head. "No, I don't think so. I feel guilty for laughing but the truth is that if Kate were here, she would have been laughing loudest of all. It's just hard to think of anything else when we're so worried about her, you know?" Lanie threw the used cotton swab in the trash and fanned Castle's arm with her hand gently while she waited for the remaining hydrogen peroxide to bubble and dry. She squeezed a liberal amount of an antibacterial ointment onto a large cotton swab and began to dab it on Castle's many cuts.
Rick nodded in response, watching Lanie work with gentle efficiency and trying hard not to remember Lanie's hands laboring over Kate the day before as she was forced to insert a large syringe into Kate's chest in order to keep her alive until they reached the hospital. He shuddered slightly at the memory before forcing his mind back to the present.
"So, Jim was telling me that you were talking to Dr. Jameson right before the surgery started," Rick started, wanting reassurance from Lanie that everything possible was being done for Kate at this very moment. "What did he have to say? How does he think Kate's doing? I'm worried about her, especially after the morning she's already had."
Lanie sighed and reached for a roll of gauze and beginning to loosely wind the fabric around Castle's forearm, covering his many cuts and bruises. "I wanted to talk to him about his surgical approach and get his take on her recent complication as the blood clot to the chest tube and the subsequent bleeding have definitely, well...complicated things for lack of a better word. He shared my concern that the clot to the chest tube just heightens the risk that she could throw another clot. Normally we'd start her on a blood thinner to lessen that risk, but that would be suicide with the amount of blood loss that she's had so far. And we won't know how extensive the bleeding and damage to her lung is until Dr. Jameson gets in there. If we are lucky, he'll be able to get in there and definitively repair the source of the bleeding which would mean that we could probably start her on blood thinners 24 hours after her surgery without a huge risk of hemorrhage. But I'm just spitballing here. We really won't know until he gets in there. And those unknowns are what are worrying me."
Castle lifted his uninjured arm and ran a hand over his face in worry. "Me too, Lanie. I can't lose her. Not now. I just want her to make it through the surgery in one piece, but she's been worrying about what comes after the surgery. She had to sign a bunch of forms this morning and she's been worried about having to stay on the ventilator after the surgery ever since then. She was so freaked out by it that I literally had to talk her out of signing a "do not resuscitate" form. And she told me what happened after her last surgery, so she's also worrying that she's going to have the same reaction to the anesthesia this time."
Lanie nodded. "I hate to say it, Castle, but there is a good chance that they'll leave her on the ventilator overnight. Dr. Jameson will probably want to give her lung a break and a chance to rest, especially if the repairs to her lung are more extensive. But they usually keep a patient pretty sedated if they have to be intubated to keep them from freaking out and trying to pull out the tube, so I'm sure that it won't be that bad if they have to keep her on the ventilator for awhile. And I think as long as you are able to be with her in the recovery room right after surgery, she won't panic like last time. I can't help but notice that she's been pretty insistent on you being within arm's length since this whole thing started. What's going on there, Castle? Did something happen between you two?" Lanie pressed.
Rick paused for several seconds before answering Lanie, his mind still reeling from Lanie's revelation that Kate may need to be on a ventilator after surgery. He took a deep breath as he prepared to give Lanie the cliff note's version of what had occurred between he and Kate since the shooting.
"Yeah, I guess you could say something happened. Ever since the shooting, she's freaked out when I'm not holding her hand. They almost had to completely knock her out just to get a chest x-ray in the ER yesterday because she kept panicking when they made me step away. I finally suggested that they let me move back a little but still hold her hand and then she was fine to take the x-ray. When she finally woke up last night, we talked...about a lot of things. And I told her that I loved her. Again. I actually told her that I loved her for the first time right after she was shot and just before she lost consciousness for the first time. But anyways, when I told her last night, I made it clear that I didn't expect anything in return. With the shooting...and everything that has happened this week really, I just wanted her to know how I truly feel about her. But Lanie...she said it back. I couldn't believe...still can't believe it, but there it is. We haven't really talked about what that means for us yet, but yeah...I love her. And apparently she loves me too," Castle finished with a grin. He looked up at Lanie and was amused to see that she had a slightly dazed grin on her face as well.
"That's great, Castle. Like I told you yesterday...I knew she had feelings for you. I'm just impressed that she got her shit together and finally told you how she feels. That's definitely not something that comes easily to her." Lanie finished winding the gauze around Castle's forearm, tucking the loose end of the bandage under several layers of gauze. "There, you are all patched up. Come on, let's get back to the waiting room. I want to see if there's been any update on our girl yet."
Castle checked his watch for the millionth time in the past few hours and shifted impatiently while taking care not to disturb his sleeping daughter whose head rested against the opposite arm of the couch and whose feet were resting in Castle's lap. Castle had cleaned himself up in the men's locker room and changed into a pair of jeans, t-shirt, and hoodie that Alexis had brought for him. He'd also talked to Ryan to get updates on Kate's mother's and the Captains's now-linked murder investigations as well as on the plans for continued protection details for Kate and anyone related to her that might be in danger. Trying to keep himself busy, Rick had also pulled out the iPad that Alexis had brought from home and had done some research on post-surgical recovery after an injury like Kate's, looking into the best physical rehabilitation hospitals as well as the best rehab equipment in case Rick decided to set up his own home rehab facility for Kate. He'd also ordered lunch for the crowd assembled in the surgical waiting room, but had been unable to force down more than a few half-hearted bites himself. Now he had run out of tasks to keep him busy and had been staring at the wall for the last half hour impatiently.
It was almost 1:30 PM. A scrub nurse had last come out around 11:30 am to inform the group that Dr. Jameson had finally located the source of Kate's bleeding and was beginning the repair, so "it wouldn't be long now." But to Castle, the last few hours had felt like an eternity. With each minute that ticked by, Castle couldn't help but worry a bit more that there were unexpected complications.
Castle was startled from his worries by the sound of a hand on the door handle to the waiting room. Before the door was even fully opened, Rick had gently slid Alexis' feet from his lap and was on feet, expecting to see Dr. Jameson. Instead, it was Amy who opened the door and walked directly to Rick, a tense look on her face.
"Mr. Castle? We need you now. Can you come with me?" Amy asked, her voice sounding every bit as tense as her face looked.
Castle nodded and prepared to follow Amy but was stopped almost immediately by Jim who was also waiting desperately for an update on Kate's condition.
"Rick? What's going on? How's Katie? Is the surgery over?" Jim asked in a rush.
Amy turned to Mr. Beckett and answered for Castle. "Mr. Beckett, the surgery just finished up and Kate did well. Dr. Jameson should be here any minute to give you a fuller update on the procedure, but Mr. Castle asked to be brought back to recovery as soon as possible so he could be with Kate when she...uhh, once the surgery was finished. If you'll just wait here, someone will be in to talk to you, okay?" Amy finished, with an unreadable expression on her face, clearly trying hard to give her voice even.
Jim seemed satisfied by this explanation. "Go Rick...Take care of my Katie, okay? We'll see you both soon."
Rick nodded, feeling an inexplicable anxiety despite hearing that Kate's surgery was over and had gone well, as Amy's demeanor seemed to hint at something more going on. He hurried after Kate's nurse, struggling to keep up with her long strides as she hurried down the hall towards the area of the floor marked "Recovery." Castle took in a deep breath as he prepared to see Kate, hoping with all that he had that she would be extubated, calm, and pain-free. But whatever happened next, Rick knew that it would be okay as long as he and Kate could face it together.
I know, I know...So cruel of me to end it there, but I've got to keep up the suspense. This was an almost Kate-free chapter even though she was very much on the main characters' minds, but I promise a lot of Caskett in the next chapter which is coming up in the next 48 hours :) Please read and review!