Death Note Cops Episode 11- Saving Christmas
Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I own absolutely nothing.
"Well Mello," Near said as the two of them stood in front of a castle. "It looks like we've finally made it to Santa's castle."
"That's right Near!" Mello said. "Now its up to us to save Christmas for all the good little boys and girls across the world!"
"So... What do we do about the indian?"
Mello looked at the one who brought them there. He just stared at them. "I... I don't know. He's just standing there. Do we pay him or something?"
"J-just don't look at him. We have to go."
The two of them walked through the castle doors and were later confronted by a rather tall and muscular elf in a security guard uniform. "Sir, I'm gonna need you to take a step back. Ok?" he said.
"Uh..." Mello said. "We're here to see Santa Claus."
"Sir, I'm gonna need you to take a step back. Ok?"
"Uh... Ok, but I wasn't-."
"Alright. Nobody gets in until I check your assholes."
"Excuse you?"
"Can't let anybody in until I check your assholes to make sure you don't have anything that can hurt Santa Claus."
"...WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I HAVE SHOVED UP MY ASS!? A GRENADE!?"
"I've seen worse."
"Mello," Near said. "Settle down. He's only trying to do his job."
"No Near!" Mello yelled. "I will not settle down! You people make me sick. Feeling up innocent individuals while taking nude photos with your x-ray scanners!? Disgusting!"
"Well sir, because of your cooperation, we're gonna have to do a deep cavity search, now."
"Ugh, Jesus Christ Mello..."
"No man, that's cool, that's cool. I've been in the frat house for four years! I'm not scared of you! I can take this!"
TEN MINUTES LATER
"Near, I... I feel like less of a man now..."
"I know Mello. I know. Those people are the scum of the Earth. Now, come on! We need to save Christmas! That's whats important, right?"
"You're right, Near. You're right. It's just... He just... Put on the x-ray machine and... Made me put my finger in my mouth and make dirty faces!" Mello began to cry.
LATER
"Well, it's been a long journey, but we're finally here. One Kindle Lane. The house of Santa Claus," Near said before he rang the doorbell.
They could hear a voice inside. "Oh, now who the fuck could that be? Get out of my way you little shits! Which one of you took my whiskey!? I'll fucking kill whoever did!"
"Jesus Christ. I hope he doesn't treat Rascal like that."
"Who?" Mello asked.
The door opened and on the other side was someone very familiar wearing a Santa outfit. "Who the are you people-! Oh shit..."
"Mr. Kringle, we have had enough with... What the hell?" Near didn't know what to say. The person in front of them was Light Yagami!
"No fucking way. Hold on a second." He pulled out a phone and punched in a few numbers. "Hey. Security elf. Did you check these guys before you let them in? Yeah. Ok. Really thorough? How deep? And the cameras were on? Oh, fucking perfect! Alright. Thanks. Bye." He hung up.
"Aren't you Light Yagami!?"
"I don't really give a fuck who he is! We're here to save Christmas you son of a bitch! Wait, Light Yagami? That totally explains the ass search!"
Light sighed. "Alright boys. I knew this day would eventually come. Come on in." He led them inside.
"Why have you quit Christmas?" Near asked. "Why are you involved in Christmas? And most importantly, why are trying to stop Hanukkah too!?"
"God damn it, Near... But he's right! Why are you Santa Claus!?"
"Mr. Claus?" an elf said as he walked up to him. "Will you be sticking it in my butt today?"
"Oh, not today lad! We have guests!"
"Ok, then!" The elf walked off.
"What the fuck?" Mello asked.
"Anyway, I should probably get started," Light said.
"Did that elf just ask you to stick it in his butt?" Near asked while Mello laughed.
"You see boys, it all started when I was a young boy in Japan. I was all tucked into bed one Christmas Eve, waiting for Santa Clause to come. I heard a noise from downstairs, and I rushed to see what it was. And to my surprise, I saw that fat son of a bitch getting frisky with my mother! At the time, I was only eight. But in Japan you get a Death Note at the age of four! So I grabbed one from my toy box, and wrote his name down! Unfortunately at the time I didn't know whoever kills Santa Claus, automatically becomes Santa Claus for the rest of time."
Mello laughed. "Tim Allen, please don't sue us."
"And from that point on, I spent every Christmas handing out presents to little shits that don't deserve them. On the upside, I have banged everyone's wife. Multiple times."
"That's impossible," Near said. "I'm Jewish. So there's no way you could've-."
"Everyone's wife. Multiple times."
"You son of a bitch!"
"Ok," Mello said. "So why have you decided to quit now?"
"Well, when I first started out, it was so easy. Kids would just ask for a stick or a rock or a wheel, a wagon, wooden horse, you know stuff like that. But now all I hear is 'I want a cell phone!' 'I want a computer!' Do I look like an engineer!? I don't know how to make that shit! That last thing I tried making was a Zune! And I accidentally burned down an entire town! Kids nowadays are all about iPod Touches and iPhones and iPads. I had to hire to hire several Asian factories just to keep up with the goddamn demand. And now, I'm all done with it!"
"I feel like we're gonna get a lot of hate mail for everything he just said."
"But Santa," Near said. "You can't quit! Think of the children!"
"Why do you even care? You're Jewish."
"You have my weasel."
"Out of context that sounds very odd."
"Not as odd as you wanting people to get their assholes checked."
"Well, I don't care what either of you say! Christmas is done! It's over! It's a stupid holiday anyway!"
"Wait! Have you ever heard of... Amazon?"
"Mello, we aren't being paid by Amazon."
"I know, but maybe they'll see it and we will!"
"You're an idiot."
"Whats this Amazon you speak of?"
"Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me."
"Amazon, my friend! You can just go online and shop, get what you need and deliver it to everybody!"
"You know what? Fuck it. I don't know how to end this. Christmas is saved, you happy?"
"Y-yes! Christmas is saved Near!"
"Yeah, happy-do, la dee freaking da, I need a beer."
TO BE CONTINUED...