Author's note - Another chapter as promised and another one almost completed...I'm on a roll! I do hope you are all enjoying the story. SA
"Is this where the rainbow ends?
In this pile of emptiness?
I've been holding out for the wind once again.
You rule over my life.
This handsome king without a promise of anything.
I just assumed that you would love me too.
I've been holding out for you.
I've been setting this table for two.
And I'm hungry still..."
"Hungry Still - Katie Herzig"
December 15th 2009, Mirkwood dungeons
"Here, Miranda."
Along with another vial of the cordial, Miruvor, Neurin held out something else to me, wrapped in leaves and tied with dried grass. Casting a furtive glance behind him to ensure we were not being watched, he saw the guard on duty had moved away and it was safe for us to talk.
I stared at him, puzzled. "What is it?"
"Sustenance," he replied in a low voice. "Keep it out of sight so the guard does not discover it."
I pondered on how something so small would satisfy me. It wasn't the roast dinner I'd been fantasising about for hours, having been physically salivating at the thought of hot and crispy roast potatoes, succulent roast lamb and all the trimmings. The hunger was becoming unbearable, my stomach growling and the empty, gnawing sensation making me feel like chewing off my fingers.
"We call it Lembas or waybread," Neurin spoke again. "We take it on long journeys in the event of food being in short supply. Just a few bites will satisfy your hunger and fill you."
Looking away, I fixed my eyes on the wall of rock in front of me.
"No," I said, mulishly. "I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I can't accept it."
"You mean you refuse to accept it..." Neurin expelled an audible sigh. "You cannot continue so, Miranda...you know this."
My resolve began to waver. My head was throbbing and I felt exhausted and cranky. How much longer could I hold out?
"The Lembas bread will sustain you for a time," Neurin persisted, proffering the parcel towards me again. I held out my hand shakily…
"I understand your reticence to withdraw your words and apologise, Miranda, but if you show contrition, then the king will allow you to be fed once more…"
Snatching my hand back, stubborn fury bubbled up. The idea of apologising was impossible with his cruel smile indelibly imprinted on my memory...
"No."
"This bread I offer is my own, not the king's." He was not going to give up. "I have made a promise to help you... not only to myself but also to your friends."
He had my attention now. The care and concern I felt from him was genuine.
"They warned me." His mouth twitched with exasperated amusement. "What was it Mack advised me to say? That you are a stubborn…" Neurin paused, trying to recall the word.
"Bugger. Is that what you're trying to remember?" He nodded. "Yes, that was the word he told me to say. What does it mean?"
I couldn't contain the explosive snort of laughter as I pictured Mack (with Ed translating) saying exactly that (peppered with swear words) in his native dialect. And the knowledge that 'bugger' was the first English word Neurin had been taught was just too much.
"You really don't want to know…" I giggled again at Neurin's perplexed smile. "Is it a curse word? An insult?"
"It's Mack's way of telling me to stop being so stupid and allow you help me."
"Then will you listen to him and accept my help?" Neurin held out the parcel yet again.
"Yes." Taking it from him, I stashed it between the folds of my blanket. "Thank you."
Feeling an unexpected burst of mischief well up inside me, I expelled an exaggerated sigh.
"It's probably for the best...I'll be resorting to cannibalism otherwise."
Neurin blinked, uncertainty creeping into his eyes.
"You're starting to look good enough to eat, Neurin...I don't know how much longer I can stop myself trying to take a bite out of you."
Keeping my expression serious, Neurin's own countenance morphed into shock, meaning I could only hold back my dark laughter for a moment before it escaped and I dissolved into hysteria.
"Your face…" I managed to say. "You thought I meant it…" I chuckled heartily, enjoying the moment of humour. Neurin smiled too, shaking his head slightly.
"You are strange, Miranda."
I resumed my deadpan demeanour once more.
"I don't care to be called strange, elf."
"I meant no insult…" he began, misinterpreting my wry response. I laughed again. "I know...I'm just teasing you," I reassured him. "I take being called strange as a compliment." A relieved smile appeared.
"I am glad you accept my use of the word 'strange' as it is meant. I have never met a human woman quite like you before."
"Really? In what way?"
"Your hair, the markings on your body..."
He gestured to the tattoo just above my wrist on the inside of my right arm. It was a black swirling triskele knot with a red butterfly perched upon one of the curving lines. A separate red celtic trinity knot overlaid the triskele.
"Yet I think I would prefer to use another word to describe you."
"What word would that be? Annoying?"
"Refreshing."
"You may change your mind about that if you get to know me properly."
My good humour dissipated as rapidly as it had appeared, my self-loathing returning. You don't know what I'm really like.
"Why do you dismiss my compliment and your own qualities?"
Neurin's face became serious and I looked away, unable to bear the concern in his eyes.
"We may just have met, Miranda, but I see what kind of person you truly are. You are so much more than your faults and mistakes."
I fought unsuccessfully against the tears that started to fall. Neurin's unfailing kindness was lovely but it was causing me to hate myself even more than I already did.
"Thank you," I whispered eventually when I'd gained some composure. "And thanks again for letting me know where Ed is. I'm so relieved he's alright." But he hates me now. I've ruined our friendship for good. The lump of sorrow continued to sit heavily and painfully in my chest, refusing to budge whenever I tried to swallow it down.
"It was the right thing to do. Not all in this realm think as the king does, Miranda. I see for myself there is no harm or malice in you or your friends."
I still couldn't look at Neurin, but was heartened by how the warmth of his nature contrasted starkly with the king's glacial hostility, The acute ache of disappointment flared up inside of me again. Why does he despise me? And why do I care? His face appeared in my view once more, his cool eyes looking through me with contempt, as if I was nothing. 'A selfish and petulant child…' That was how he saw me.
"Do not judge the king too harshly," Neurin suggested. "Your first impressions of him have so far been unfavourable, but perhaps like you he hides old wounds behind his outer defences."
I raised my head to look at him. He was asking me to reconsider my opinion of his king, but my resentment over his treatment of Ed remained fresh and it was compounded by the effects of being confined and imprisoned.
"Maybe he does...but what he did the other day..." My voice became louder, the force of my indignation rendering Neurin silent. "He needs to apologise to Ed for what he did! I'm far from perfect but I don't use people's feelings..."
I paused for a moment. Could I really criticise the king after what I'd done? My cowardice had given him the ammunition with which to mock Ed and his feelings for me. But it was never intentional. I never meant for this to happen. I continued trying to excuse myself from blame. It wasn't deliberate, not like the king's behaviour was...
"I hurt Ed by not being honest with him, but your king..." I continued, fiery heat infusing my cheeks. "Your king was malicious! He humiliated and belittled him! How dare he?! Who the bloody hell does he think he is?!"
My raised voice caught the attention of the guard who began to walk in the direction of my cell.
"And for what reason? What's Ed ever done to him? Nothing, that's what! He doesn't even know him but thinks he has the right to treat my friend like that!"
"I will not try to justify or excuse the king's behaviour. What he did was uncalled for," Neurin responded in a low voice.
"It bloody well was!" I stormed, kicking out at the wall with some force. Pain shot up my left leg and I yelled out in agony. "Bloody hell!"
"You will hurt yourself...please be calm, Miranda."
"Calm? I'm bloody furious! Furious with myself, furious with that bloody king of yours!"
"Why do you use that word so often? You seem to have a fondness for it."
Neurin's question interrupted my fit of anger mid-flow. "Bloody," he pondered, "It means something or someone is covered in blood, yet I do not think this is your meaning when you say it."
Exhaling, I turned my tear-stained face to his.
"In my world people say it when they're angry or upset - a curse word." Neurin's question had distracted me from my fury, and I realised that had been his intention all along. The quiet serenity radiating from him was infectious, my temper evaporating as quickly as it erupted. My emotions had always been prone to rapid fluctuations, but never so extreme as they were at present.
"I'd like to know why we're so unwelcome and why he hates us, and then perhaps I could help to try and fix the wrong. But no, your king locks us up in his dungeons with no explanation, for something that happened centuries ago - something that has nothing to do with any of us."
My energy started to drain away and exhaustion took over, my knee throbbing resentfully at the shock of the impact upon it. My body cried out for a shot of fuel, or failing that, rest and preserving what little energy it had left.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled wearily. "I don't mean to take my anger out on you."
Neurin took me by surprise as his hand made contact with my cheek, brushing away my tears with his fingers. It was an incredibly intimate gesture, given that we'd met only a few days ago, but somehow it felt right.
"Do not distress yourself, all shall be well…"
The key turned in the lock and the iron door was pulled open. The guard, Beltron standing imposingly in the doorway.
"It is time for you to leave, Neurin. The king has said your visits to the prisoner should be of short duration and for the purpose of assessing her well-being. He also decreed that conversation must be kept to a minimum, yet you seem to have spent most of the visit talking to her…"
If Neurin felt any embarrassment at being caught giving me comfort, he did not betray it. Gently withdrawing his hand from my face, he stood up and faced the guard.
"Well-being of mind and spirit are just as important as well-being of the body, Beltron. How else can I ascertain such without talking to the prisoner?"
Beltron's face was hidden by the helmet he wore, making it impossible to know what he was thinking.
"Leave the cell, Neurin - unless you wish to remain in there with her."
He turned and looked at me once more. "All shall be well. I will come again on the morrow, Miranda." Picking up his satchel, he placed the strap over his head and onto his shoulder so it rested against his body. Touching the leather, he patted it with a knowing smile that I returned.
"See you tomorrow, Neurin," I called back as he stepped out of the cell, allowing Beltron to close the iron door and lock it once more. Letting out another weary breath, I rested my head back against the cold, cool rock as I massaged my knee. My head was pounding, my body ached and my hollow and empty stomach growled angrily, begging to be satisfied. I refused to give into it's demands again, a mixture of determination to hold out for as long as possible, and a way of punishing myself for how much I'd hurt Ed.
It had been three days since I'd seen him, and so far he hadn't replied to any of the notes I'd sent via Neurin.
After being returned to the lower dungeons following our meeting with the king, I'd noticed Ed was no longer in his cell. The guard had ignored my questions, locking me up once more. I'd called out to Ed, hoping that he'd been moved to another cell, but several hours of intermittent yelling had been met with silence.
The guard had eventually returned with lunch for me but refused to answer my enquiries. In frustration I'd flung my food back through the bars at him. He'd gazed at me impassively before picking up the mess and walking back up the steps.
"And you can tell the king what I've done! Tell him I'd rather starve than eat his food!" I'd yelled after him. My idiotic outburst had been duly reported back to the king just as I'd asked.
Since that time I've remained locked in this cell with nothing to do but think and starve, only my trips to the antechamber to wash, change and relieve myself and Neurin's welcome visits providing any respite from the monotony. I knew he was right - I would have to take back my words and apologise. Thanks to Neurin's elf bread, I could postpone grovelling to the bitch-king for a few more days, but it would have to be done soon or he would begin to question how I was managing to go without food for so long. And besides, starvation was unbearable.
For what felt like the hundredth time, I began to reflect on what had led me to this situation, the choices I'd made, what I could have done differently.
So many things, like listening to Ed's advice and not pissing off the being whose kingdom you're in and who has you locked in his dungeons. Or not being a selfish cow and stringing along your best friend who loved you.
I know a psychologist would have a field day with me. They'd likely say the reason I hadn't yet fallen in love and settled down was due to fear. Fear of loss and being vulnerable again. That I had issues with my self image, believing I was unlovable and damaged. They'd say the reason I have men in my life who are my closest friends, place me on a pedestal and forgive me anything is as a substitute for the relationship I had with my dad.
They'd be right, and deep down I know it. Mack has become my second dad, always looking out for me, making me feel safe and protected. And Ed, well from the first time we met at university, I felt a connection with him. I was drawn to his gentle, easy-going nature, his intelligence and the fact he was just as much a misfit as I was, despite his looks and upper-class upbringing. Combined with a shared interest in ancient history and mythology, our friendship was inevitable and instantaneous.
Over the years both of them have treated me as if the sun shines out of my backside, and I'll admit I've sometimes played upon that to get my own way. But I know Ed won't forgive me this time; I saw the adoration leave his eyes and be replaced by hurt and disappointment.
The plain and simple truth is I'm a self-centred screw up and everything that's happened is my fault. Every choice I've made, my hell-bent determination to come here and drag my best friends into danger. I deserve this. I deserve to be locked up in this bloody cell on my own. Even dad has deserted me.
I hadn't experienced dad's presence or heard his voice in several days. Maybe it was all in my imagination, or as I suspected, a sign he was disappointed in me.
If only I had my cannabis and hip flask - a joint and some rum was just what I needed to help me forget for a while. But I knew there was no way Neurin would smuggle drugs and alcohol for me. He'd likely give me a well-intentioned lecture on how it wouldn't be conducive to my well being. All that I had available for my solitary pity party was Miruvor and the elf-bread, both provided to help me feel better, something I didn't believe I was entitled to.
Lying down, I turned and faced the wall, pulling the blanket around me and squeezing my eyes shut. Ed's face soon confronted me with sadness in his eyes and my heart contracted painfully. However, his image was eventually replaced by that of King Thranduil, his cold beauty dominating my inner vision and tormenting me until I fell into a fitful sleep. The sight and the thought of him made my insides burn with acrid anger and a reluctant but persistent longing.