(A/N) IM AWFUL FUCK IM SORRY LOL IM GONNA MASS UPDATE THIS CAUSE I HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO ACCESS IM SORRY I HAVE IT WRITTEN UP UNTIL THE END OF THE SECOND ARC LOL WHOOPS.
Guest: welp... You see where that got us... I'm glad you enjoy it though.
Kir: Nah fam, Izaya's suit came in clutch and kept him shrouded in mystery. Ursus don't kno nothin'
Blackfallstar9: weLL IF YOU WERE WORRIED BEFORE I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW YOU FEEL NOW. ENJOY THE NEXT LIKE FOUR OR SMTH CHAPTERS LOL IM SO SORRY.
OKAY I THINK THAT'S IT LET'S GO
So, Izaya is wrong. He isn't alone when he wakes up. He has a splitting headache and a couple of stitches holding his neck in place, but he isn't alone. He wishes he was, however. He wishes he had woken up cold and by himself, or better yet, not at all. Anything would be better than waking up to Shinra staring at him with a knowing smile that Izaya would love to slap off his smug fucking face.
In all sincerity, it wouldn't surprise Izaya if Shinra and Ursus happened to know each other. Shinra tends to get his hands dirty with these types of people, and therefore it would make sense for the creepy pervert doctor to know the furry's wet dream. It bothers Izaya to know that his best friend and his boyfriend know each other better than he does, but thems the breaks when you meet under a moonlit night of illegal, very very frowned upon justice.
Shinra laces his fingers together and rests his chin atop the connected joints, suspending his head in such a way that Izaya can't help the glare that spreads across the face. A chasarine grin crawls across Shinra's mug as he assesses Izaya, something dangerously close to humor swimming in his eyes. Izaya chews his tongue and hardens his. It's difficult to seem threatening when there's an IV drip in his arm and he can barely walk without feeling fatigued, but he digresses. Shinra chuckles for what seems like the millionth time, and Izaya huffs like a child being kept out of a secret. The worse part about it is that this is exactly what it is. Izaya, for once, and admittedly for his own good, is left out of a loop he can't manage to find a weak point in. Ursus' identity is more airtight than Shiki's affair.
Oh great, and now he's sad, and hurt, and pissed off all confined to this foreign bed with his shit head, asshole of a friend staring at him like a parent that knows they were right. Celty continues to send Izaya what he believes are sympathetic glances when she comes to check on him. The pity is obnoxious, but her presence distracts Shinra from his silent yet infuriating gloating.
"So," Shinra purrs, "Tell me about him."
Izaya doesn't answer.
"I mean, I know my personal judgements of his character, but I wanna know how you feel about him... In your own words, that is." Shinra frowns for a hairline of a second at Izaya's silence.
"He's terrified, Izaya."
"Of what?" he snaps.
Shinra pinches the bridge of his nose. "He's scared of whatever it is that you two have going on. I'm not gonna pretend to know, but I saw the photos of the both of you. Whatever it is, you need to find out if it's important enough to abandon what set you off on this quest to begin with. I know you, Izaya. You didn't engage him to fall in love, but I know how much he must mean to you if you're letting him in like you did Shik-"
"You're right," Izaya cuts in. "I love him. I... didn't mean for this to happen, but since I've met him, I've just been sitting back and watching my morals crumble." He's sitting now, and dragging his knees into his chest. "I don't know what to do."
"You're not isolating yourself for the first time since I've met you. It's completely okay for you to be at least a little uncomfortable with the sudden company in your life." Shinra steels his gaze at Izaya. "But this isn't about just you. It's about him, too."
Izaya tucks his face into his knees.
"He really loves you, and is so scared that you're hiding something from him."
"I am."
"Like what?"
Izaya shoots his face back at his friend. "I'm me, Shinra. I'm me. Name one person outside of you, and Celty, and Dotachin that doesn't want me dead. What's gonna make him any different?" he growls, venom dripping in his voice.
"So that's what you're scared of? That he's suddenly gonna forget whatever he feels for you in your dumb suits when he finds out who you are?"
"I've done unspeakable things, Shinra. I'm a terrible person, and no matter who he is-" he swallows thickly, "he deserves better than me."
"Oh God," Shinra gasps, "Celty, get the camera! Izaya Orihara is experiencing self-loathing for the first time in his life!"
Izaya rolls onto his side and stares defiantly at the wall. What did happen to him? He had everything under control just a few months ago. He had money, power, and most importantly, emotional stability. But he didn't, did he? Izaya was dangerous, and everyone knew it, but because of that, they avoided him the same way he avoided them. His heart was so brittle that any amount of love would shatter it, but here he was, letting Ursus in as if he wasn't scared out of his mind at the potential heartbreak.
He was terrified.
Because now he did have it all. He had the money, and power, and now he had love. He had love, and it was okay. He wasn't crippled with regret or depression. His heart hadn't broken. He was in love, and he was okay. And he was okay with Ursus being their to accept and return the love Izaya has to give. But he knows better than anyone that happiness is fragile, and everything can come crumbling around him in an instant, leaving him stranded and gasping for every breath though his pain. He wants to believe that Ursus isn't like Shiki, and that the two are millions of miles apart, but he can't. He's never been in love with anyone else. He has nothing to compare it to.
"What's it like to love him, Izaya?"
"Torture."
He doesn't have to think about it. He knows exactly what it is and how much this hurts and is killing him and hurting him, but when they see each other, for however short that may be, they're okay. And everything wrong with him, or his job, or his friends just vanishes instantly for however long they're together. He feels safe and protected, but he knows that it's only temporary. Izaya knows he's going to tell him. But not right now. Not when he's getting so comfortable with this. He needs this for just a little while longer. Izaya hadn't even realized the only voice in his head now was his own.