Ok I took long again I apologize

To my lover: yayy!!! Im a favourite singsongs I know she is in a way both of us. And liz. Because she also inspired Jade.

To anyone who thinks bulimia and anorexia are bad: you are right, but only when they are done in excess. Since I am bulimic, and my friend is anorexic, Jade is both.

Has anyone heard the song Faggot?? Its so much fun!! I love it right now!! Sorry. Random ramble.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any lyrics. Along with Milla Jovovich's lyrics there is also K's Choice 'Virgin State of Mind' (love that song!! But unhappily for me it's not mine)

I was thinking the other day about Milla's music. What I like is the lyrics, they're like poems. The music itself is kind of strange though. To anyone who's interested, look up these songs (my faves): Gentleman Who Fell, The Alien Song, It's Your Life, Charlie, Rocket Collecting, Don't Fade Away, Satellite of Love

Also she has 2 videos for Gentleman Who Fell on youtube. They're really good, I think they're artistic.

Sorry. More rambling.

Chapter Ten

Matt was glad that he and Mello made up before the next day. When he got home Mello was lying naked on the couch, waiting for him. He slunk up to Matt, apologized for ignoring his apologies, and proceeded to fuck his brains out.

Matt told him about his idea the next day before school.

"You want the 3 of us to go out?" Mello asked, trying to find the pants. "That is sick. Have you told her?"

"No, I told you first. And it's not sick, it's practical."

Mello looked pleased to be the first to know, but didn't comment much more on the subject. He looked for the shirt and muttered "I guess that'd be ok. If she goes for it."

They walked out, deciding to get breakfast at the school cafeteria. Matt thought longingly of an actual breakfast and cursed the fact that it had never occurred to him or Mello to learn how to cook.

Mello was going to be impossible to talk to soon, he thought. Exams were coming up, and Mello was always tense before vacation, studying his heart out. he would get so tense Matt felt like he spent more time outside getting to know the door because he couldn't work up the courage to make a sound and actually open it, since Mello would snap. If everything worked out for him, he'd have someone to keep him company while Mello studied.

He smiled. Caught up in his thoughts, he didn't realize Mello's dark silence.

Jade arrived at the school a little earlier than usual. There was a bit of a spring in her step, and she had actually gotten ready for school. She'd rolled the skirt, and been glad that the vest wasn't mandatory in the summer, although the jacket still was. She'd brushed out her hair, putting in the fruity smelling product Laila had used before and kept her soft waves. She had applied mascara, a little sparkly pale brown eyeshadow, some foundation, lipbalm and a little bit of bronzer to her cheeks. She'd also changed her white nose stud for a little ruby one she'd bought when she was 12 and had gotten it done. She'd also found a thick silver crucifix on a chain that she'd had before, and decided to wear that too.

She was surprised to see Mello and Matt standing at her locker talking, but glad they'd met up. She was also not oblivious to the fact that there was about 8 times the number of girls there 'casually' standing around and looking at the boys with an almost hunger in their eyes.

How, she wondered, did they manage to look so good in the damn uniform? Mello looked model-like, his lean body looking as though the uniform had been made specifically to fit him, even the colours matched him.

Matt had a bit of irony to his. Jade wasn't sure why, he was in uniform but seemed to be making fun of it. Maybe it was with the tie a little to short and stiff, the jacket a touch too small, the buttons he'd pinned to the shirt and jacket, or the pants a bit too snug.

When she walked up to them Matt pulled her toward him and gave her a kiss. She couldn't enjoy it too much, distracted by the gasps and collected eyes glaring daggers into her back.

"Whoisthat?" she heard over and over again. "Who'shewith?"

She decided to ignore it as best she could. "Hey," she said smiling happily. She couldn't control the grin that spread across her face. She locked eyes with Mello for a second, unsure what to say.

"Did you get hungover?" he asked with a grin, breaking the ice. "You got drunk pretty fast."

"Definitely," she said, relieved. She opened her locker and put her bag in, taking out her first period books. She suspected Matt and Mello had already dumped their's off in class. "I forgot to tell you that I am, like the biggest lightweight ever. Before that, all I'd ever had were coolers, beer, and Bailey's that one time."

"When was the last time?" he asked, "before you got drunk with me?"

She blushed and muttered something. "What?" he asked. "I couldn't hear that."

"Um…three years ago."

Mello burst out laughing. She decided he was probably allowed to and blushed with an embarressed grin. "Don't laugh, it's mean."

"Mello probably doesn't care," Matt said, with a shall we go? sort of tilt with his head. Jade pretended not to hear the whisperers and walked with them.

They talked among each other like it was completely normal and did it all the time. Mello got excited in a way that alarmed her a bit when she mentioned exams. She'd said that it was impressive that he'd ranked #2 on the honour roll the year before and he began ranting about someone named Near and that this year he was going to be #1. Matt wisely remained silent except for the occassional nod and 'yeah' so Jade followed suit.

She sat with Mello and Matt in the classes she had them with, but when she had a class alone she heard whispers about her all around. People were asking who she was and what she was doing with the 2 hottest guys in school.

She got bored of this, and felt she was safe to write in her journal during Spanish class, a class she'd only taken because already knowing how to read, write, and speak in Spanish she'd be guaranteed to get a high mark in. So far, she would be going into the exam with a 95.

She pulled out the familiar black book and went to a fresh page.

My life has taken a bit of a weird turn. A week ago, I was all but invisible. And now, everything is different. People are whispering and pointing at me, trying to figure out who I am. I'm kind of expecting someone to try to lynch me when I go to the bathroom, some of these girls are looking ver murderous. I don't really understand, it's not like I purposefully went after them. I don't know.

I feel so confused about how I feel about them. With Mello, its like this intense heat that falls over me. I can feel myself blush and get hot, and can barely think. It's dizzying just to be around him. I can feel it, I know I love him. There's so much passion there, at least from my side. But from when we slept together, I think he feels something for me too. If nothing else, to just be friends so I can stay near him.

Then there's Matt. He makes me feel things I never have before. With him I feel safe, and cared for. I love him in different ways, more peaceful ways and my brain doesn't decided to shut down. When I'm with him, everything feels like its going to be ok. I can relax, and feel free to do anything. He's romantic too, not in huge ways but subtly, it's in little gestures and ways he touches and kisses me. I can feel my love for him like a softness that wraps around me.

The problem is that its wrong for me to want them both. Its selfish. I know I can't choose between them, I can't say I will leave one alone and focus only on the other. I wish I could forget about how I feel about Mello and just be faithful to Matt, but I can't. and it's more complicated because Matt and Mello are in love with each other too. I don't know how I didn't see it before, it's so obvious now when I look at them. Mello has a smile he reserves only for Matt, I get the feeling Matt is the only person that sees his true self. I had a few glimpses, but…

I feel horrible. I'm selfish and slutty. I still can't forgive myself for sleeping with Mello so quickly. It makes it worse that he does sleep around a lot, because now I don't know what to think. I feel like my thoughts are going in circles and repeating themselves. I hope that this works out for the best somehow.

She finished the entry and looked up, relieved she hadn't been called on. She noticed that class—and therefore school—was almost over. She played with her necklace, feeling it between her fingers and thought about what she'd be doing after school. Mello had surprised her and asked if she was free but she'd said a friend she hadn't seen in a while was picking her up, and after she had to work. She'd been thrilled he'd asked her though.

Mrs. Flores let them out early, so she took the opportunity to go outside to the parking lot. Laila had texted her and said she could pick her up and they could go hang someplace before she had to work. As she'd expected earlier, when she got out a few girls were standing around, their faces angry or cold.

"Saw you at lunch," one girl started. Jade tried to place her name. Alice, she had her in first period along with Mello. She gave Jade a hard push into the wall. "Who do you think you are? You think some little ugly nobody like you is good enough to hang out with them? What did you do? Blow them before each class if they promised to hang out with you?" she said it like a question, her voice cruel.

Jade's face remained impassive. Don't say anything. She felt sick, did everything think she was doing stuff like that?

"Answer my question, bitch!" the next was a blow to the head. She didn't say anything, but felt her temper rise. She didn't want to hurt these girls, because they probably hadn't known she'd had some of L.A's baddest girls teach her some tricks. Jealous bitches you have everywhere, they'd said.

"I didn't do anything. We're friends."

"Liar!" said another. "I saw Matt kissyou this morning!" Jade was getting backed up, a car right behind her. "What makes you think you can just go out with Matt, when other girls, more important girls, have already been waiting in line!"

She got pissed them. "Matt's a person," she said coldly. "Not a prize at the fair for you to fight over. He can make up his own mind about who he wants to go out with."

"Stupid cunt!" With that the 6 girls struck her at once. She'd had enough. When the first girl grabbed her hair, she moved toward her, to fast for her to react, and thrust her fist into her gut. The girl let go in surprise and pain, and without looking she kicked at whoever was behind her.

She heard whoever it was stumble, and then she heard a familiar voice, one that stopped the other girls dead too.

"Aw, Jade you're making new friends." Jade had barely turned around to see Laila when the first girl went down. Jade hoped she hadn't hurt her too badly, Laila loved to fight because she loved beating on people. In some twisted way, Jade thought it was how she got back at the people who hurt her, by taking it out on others she felt deserved it.

She struck the second girl harder, the third she grabbed by the hair and smashed her face into the car windshield. She pulled her back up, her face bleeding, and smashed her again, a smile on her lips.

"Laila please stop!"

Laila looked over. Jade was looking at her wide-eyed, and her eyes flew to the girl. The only girl that hadn't run away was looking at her with terror. "What are you doing?" she screamed.

"You don't like this?" Laila said, not letting her go but putting her in a headlock. "But 6 on 1 odds seem fair to you?" her voice was calm, friendly even. "The difference," she said finally, when the girl didn't answer "between Jade and me is that Jade is a nice person. She wouldn't really hurt you. I will. And if you try this shit with her again I will track you down and beat you so badly that the last thing on your mind will be losing those pesky 25lbs for summer vacay, because you'll be in a hospital. Your imagination can supply the rest. And if you think I'm bluffing…" she tossed the girl away from her. She stumbled a bit. "…try me."

The girls backed off, trying not to break into a run and Laila gave her a hug. "Hey hunnie, how are you doing?"

"Better," she smiled. "I have lots to tell you."

"Good let's shop and you can tell me then." Laila went to her bike and tossed her the extra helmet. She pale pink, clingy T-shirt had risen a few inches, and she hadn't bothered to tug it down. Her straight her was held back by a patterned black headscarf.

"Can we stop at the apartment?" she asked.

"No need, I'll buy you another new outfit." Laila waved it off, putting on her own helmet.

"Laila, no. You did already. You can't keep spending money like you are." Jade worried about how callously Laila seemed to be throwing it around. It made her wonder how much she was aquiring and what she was doing to get that kind of cash.

"It's no big deal," Laila said. "I'm splitting rent with three roomies, I got a good job, and I don't spend much on groceries and shit like that. I practically only eat salads anyway. You know where most of the money's going." She remembered something. "Speaking of which, how'd you like it?"

"It was fun," she said.

"Good. Now hop on." Jade climbed up behind her, and held on to her waist, embarressed to be wearing a skirt. At least Laila had jeans.

She stopped them some place Jade didn't recognize. She saw a bunch of dingy side-stores with little lighting. Laila grinned. "This place has the best stuff," she stuff. They got off and Jade pulled a compact from her backpack, trying to fix the damage to her hair.

"It doesn't look bad, Laila said. She took 2 small black scrunchies from her pocket, and gave her 2 braided pigtails. "You look so cute," she said.

"Where is this?" she asked, following Laila into a small store she could barely read as The Cat's Meow. What a strange name, she thought.

Laila was already looking at some racks. Jade thought the store seemed almost elegant, in a dusty way. She listened to the music playing. K's Choice, Virgin State of Mind.

Where can I run too?

Where can I hide?

Who can I turn to?

Now I'm in a virgin state of mind…

"Jade come here!" Laila called out again. "Come tell me what you think."

Jade opened her eyes and walked over. "I already picked some boots for you," she said. "They're over by the change rooms. But do you like this?" she held up a black hoodie tank top with a big white star on the back. With it she picked up a pleated red minikilt.

"Yes to the hoodie, no to the kilt. I'm sick of worrying about my skirt on the bike," Jade said. The hoodie she liked, however, and felt the fabric.

"You pick something then," she said, looking at some stuff for herself. She held up a boned maroon corset with a little 'hmm'.

Jade walked around the store. She found a pair of faded black, ripped demin jeans. She went to try them on.

"How do I look?" she asked. She stepped out, the boots that Laila had picked—brown suede—making her taller and fitting comfortably.

For response, Laila told a dark-haired guy with 2 lip piercings that she'd been talking to: "Just charge me for those because she's going to be wearing them. The whole thing."

He nodded lazily and looked back over at her. "You look good," he said. He turned back to Laila and Jade realized they were talking about a dealer that lived nearby. Jade frowned. She liked the school dealers…they were safer for one thing. She worried about Laila, knew she was getting into trouble.

She looked back in the mirror. The combination really did look good. The hoodie was big enough to show her thin waist as it folded, and made her breasts look smaller when it was zipped up. The pants were low-slung, and comfortably hugged her legs, making them look very slim. Her hip bones jutted from the space between the hoodie and the jeans, the boots made her appear taller and slimmer. She pulled her pendant out to the front. She noticed the clothes didn't really have tags as much as little slips attached with prices.

"Are you sure Laila?" she asked. The girl waved her hands, don't worry about it, still looking in the compact, putting on more mascara.

She paid, and then kept talking to the guy that Jade heard her call Jack. They talked about a big party that was going to be on the weekend, and Jade started when she heard her name. "What?"

"Nothing much. You're coming with me right?" Laila asked breezily.

"I guess so," she said.

"It's gonna be sick," Jack said, his dark eyes finally paying attention to her: potential fuck. "Gotta be careful though, some fucking cops busted Ed's bash and apparently one of them went psycho after some guys escaping. Beat the shit out of Vicky," he said. "She didn't press charges though because her mom would've killed her for going to an E bash anyway."

"I'll be careful," she said, unsure of what to say.

They left and Jade kept thinking. Laila had been excited, saying it was going to be them again, and now that they were both older they'd be hitting the party scence twice as hard as before. Jade was worried. It was like L.A again, Laila doing bigger drugs, going to wilder parties where police crashed and people got hurt, and bringing her along for the ride.

She doesn't have a limit. Jade realized that. Most people had a limit to what they could and would do. Laila didn't, she didn't know anything about staying within limits, only breaking them.

She didn't want to go. She knew that. She didn't want to go and get more alchohol than she could manage forced on her, and end up puking. And get talked into taking more drugs than she'd want to. She knew that guys would be bolder, girls would be more aggressive, the pits were going to be deadly.

But she had to go. Because she already knew Laila, and she knew that if she wouldn't watch her to make sure she didn't overdose, or end up with more guys than was safe for her, no one else would. Least of all Laila herself.

While her mouth spoke to Laila about her dates with Matt and Mello, her mind thought. And she knew, just as before, that sooner or later, it wouldn't end well.

You see it

But could you ever believe it?

Your fate

Could you really heed it?

Can't help it

But can you bend your back like this?

Ok, so Matt/Mello didn't appear too much. I wanted to focus this chapter more on the relationship between Jade and Laila. Things are going to be moving fast from here.

So…read and review. And I promise Matt and Mello will have bigger parts in the next chapter, but I need encouragment.