AN: Hey FF can you fix your glitch. I might be the only one but I can see everyone's reviews from my inbox on email (luckily, so I can thank them) but I can't see them here and it's been like this for a few days, please and thanks. *sighs* This site is so buggy but I love my Careese family here. And I think I have gone to everyone that left a review that was logged in to thank you. If I didn't I'm sorry as I try to make sure I clicked on all the alerts in my email *glares at this site*, and if I didn't I thank you for taking the time to leave me a line and that goes for you guest reviewers as well XOX.

It was nine and a half minutes. He counted. John ignored the numerous pangs from wounds that were still healing. He felt more human since getting a little rest. Root had threatened, with help from the machine, to revoke his admittance into the hospital to see Joss unless he got some sleep. He had begrudgingly bowed to Root when he saw she was serious. He liked it better when Root didn't give a damn about his well-being.

John slipped into Joss's private room, seeing she was alone. Her son and mother were absent and none of their friends were hanging around. Joss looked like she was resting as her eyes were closed and he slowly and quietly approached her, not wanting to disturb her, but yet wanted to.

"You're so quiet," she whispered.

John paused as his eyes slid up to her face and saw her eyes open, soft, and on him. Tears brimmed in his eyes as he still couldn't believe she was here. There was a part of him that believed this to be nothing more than a dream that he'd wake up from and find out she wasn't really here and he'd be without her again. He couldn't go through that again, he would rather be dead than try to learn to live without Joss again.

Joss stared at him, tired but awake. Her own tears blurred her vision of his beautiful face. She had longed to see this man again for what felt like forever. He was a sight for sore eyes.

"I didn't want to wake you," he finally managed. It took him moment because she was talking to him and finally the reality of the fact that she was truly here, back from the dead, settled into his heart.

She didn't know what was running through his head but whatever it was left him cracked open, exposed, and vulnerable to her. Joss wanted to comfort him because he was looking at her like she was a ghost and was going to cruelly vanish on him.

"I wish you would have. Come here, sit with me," she commanded softly, needing to feel him beside her. Joss watched him as he approached her as if he was afraid he was going to break her. She sighed, typical John, always afraid that if he touched someone they'd turn to dust. She watched as he slowly lowered his butt to the mattress and she grabbed his left hand immediately. She smiled. "Finally I get to touch you," she whispered.

"I need a minute," he whispered roughly before looking away.

"Look at me," Joss requested gently. John slowly did as she asked. She reached up, cupping his cheeks. "It's okay, I'm here now, John," she whispered as she caught his tears that slipped out with her fingers. Joss pulled him to her and he easily came down, careful to not pull her IV out as she hugged him and felt his arms wrap around her tightly. She closed her eyes as she allowed her own emotions to flow, finally being his arms.

She inhaled him. He smelled of soap and cologne. His skin was soft, warm, and she felt his tears drop onto her neck. He was utterly quiet and had it not been for the hot burn of his tears she wouldn't even have know he was crying.

"I've missed you," his voice was muffled and rough.

"I've missed you too, John."

They stayed that way for a long while until the tears ceased and they were just holding each other. John slowly pulled back and held her IV-free hand and rubbed his face with his other.

"I'm sorry, Carter."

"Don't apologize, never apologize for feeling something, John," she said immediately, wanting to beat that notion from him until it was dead and buried.

He didn't respond as they sat together just simply staring at each other. "Joss, I need to…" he started but stopped when she made a soft sound.

"I need to tell you something first, John."

He gave her a brief small smile as he circled his thumb on her inner wrist. "I actually would like to go first," he requested quietly. There was that hint of vulnerability that was spilling into his voice. She was helpless to deny him even though she wanted to tell him everything that she had kept inside. She wanted to tell him she loved him.

Joss sighed as she laid back in her hospital bed feeling too tired to keep upright. "Alright, you can go first, John. But start from the beginning."

"You mean after I thought you were dead?" he questioned.

She swallowed hard. "Yea, start there."

"During your funeral I was recuperating from gunshot wounds, before I got up, got dressed and went searching for Simmons to kill him," he stated as if he was telling her directions and Joss gasped.

"John!"

"He didn't deserve to be alive when you weren't," John said fiercely as he looked deep into her eyes. "He shot you and to me you were dead. Losing you hurt more than any physical pain I ever endured. Why did he get to continue breathing when he took someone this world needed, took someone I needed away?" he said defensively.

Joss swallowed her lecture. There was no use in lecturing him over something that happened during the time when he was injured and grieving. "What happened after?—please tell me our friends got to you before you injured yourself further," she asked.

"They did. I never reached Simmons. Fusco arrested him shortly after, only for Simmons to meet a bitter end in the hospital."

"By Shaw?" she asked with a long sigh, she really needed to talk to these guys about them not going homicidal when something happens.

John shook his head. "She swears she didn't do it. I think it was Elias."

Joss blinked in surprise. "Elias?"

"Yea, Elias liked you. Marconi liked you too."

She chuckled which felt good to do. "Anthony had a crush on me. How are they?" she asked and she didn't miss John's look. "They're dead aren't they?"

"Yes, but that is a conversation that we need to have later," John murmured and she nodded. And they would. She wanted to know what happened to them. They might have started on opposite sides of the law and she never fully trusted Elias but they had helped her when she needed it. She wanted to know what happened to them.

"So after Simmons was murdered, what happened?" she asked.

"I left the team."

Joss felt her mouth drop open. "You didn't! John, I tried to tell you to not let what happened change you." This time she was unable to keep her lecture held in check.

"You don't know what it was like, Joss. I couldn't work the numbers anymore, couldn't go on with my purpose of saving lives because the only one I needed to save was dead. I felt like I was dying without you." He spoke faintly, like remembering that time had the power to break him down and she tightened her hold on his hand, trying to prove to him she was here now.

"So you ran away from the pain rather than deal with it," she said, not accusatory, just trying to understand John's mindset during that time. He must have been under great deal of anguish for him to walk away from his purpose that meant everything to him. It was why he recklessly walked into the face of danger to save everyone else's life but his own. "Are you back with the team?—because I saw Shaw, Finch, and Fusco briefly." And she thought she saw Root too, but that would also be another conversation for another time.

He nodded. "I am. I tried to leave but the machine didn't seem to want to let me go, forcing me to work a number. Afterwards I wanted to get back to helping people because it was a way to stay close to you, because that's all you did your whole life, protect people and you died protecting me…"

"And I'd protect you again in a heartbeat," she interjected and he shook his head.

"No,"

"Yes, yes, I will do it again if I have to," she said fiercely.

"I don't want you to."

"John, you don't have a say in the matter. You would die to protect me and I'm willing to do the same for you," she stated.

John looked up and his eyes were shiny with tears before a small smile tilted his lips. "I've missed that."

"Missed what?—someone taking care of you?" Joss snapped in aggravation. How the hell did he even make it this far? She was grateful to whoever or whatever kept John going this long.

"I meant you arguing with me, I've missed our…lengthy debates," he said softly.

Joss shook her head as her anger that swelled inside her dissolved away instantly. "I missed it too. I even missed the Classic Rock you tried to push on me during our stakeouts together," she added, trying to inject some lightness to their heavy conversation, trying to lighten him up and when he laughed softly, she smiled: mission accomplished.

"What about that R&B stuff you subjected me to when it was your turn with the radio?" he questioned with his blue eyes sparkling with laughter. She liked them better when they weren't shadowed with pain.

"Oh come on, you love Beyonce!" she said with a scoff before she grew serious. "You and my boy got me through what happened to me. You and Taylor were all I thought about," she said as she laced their fingers together, unwilling to let his hand go. His palm was so warm and smooth, for some reason she had been anticipating callouses and there was none. "But I have a feeling you have more to say that might explain my situation."

"I do," he agreed and she waited for him to continue. "Samaritan came online about three months after I went back to the team, which judging from your medical records of the Jane Doe we found, that was three months before you left Pennsylvania."

She nodded. That sounded about right. "I was taken to Maple New York after I bought the garbage that I was protecting my son. I wouldn't have gone through with it but Moss told me if I went back to my old life, to my son, I was risking his life and everyone's that was around me. The bastard knew I'd do anything to protect my son. He used my boy against me," she said, still bitter that the people who were supposed to help and protect her turned around and stabbed her in the back.

"I'll kill him, just give me the word and I'll do it for what he did to you."

Joss looked into John's eyes, startled, and saw he meant every word. "No, no John I don't want him dead. Moss is where he belongs: in prison."

He nodded his head. "Did you know what Maple was?" he asked.

"No. I had no clue what Maple was until after they grabbed me. I started asking questions and began snooping around Maple when things just didn't make sense, which Samaritan realized easily. Next thing I know I'm walking home from a jog when a syringe pierced my neck and I woke up in that cage. They labeled me: Plan B," she said softly, knowing this next part was going to be tricky. John wasn't going to take it well.

"Plan B?" John questioned.

"They wanted to find you themselves but figured if they couldn't they'd use me because they knew you'd risk your life for me," Joss said softly. Realization dawned on him. Moss was right, she was taken because of him. It was his fault she endured this hell. "No! Don't you dare!" she growled, he blinked at the fierceness in her voice, sounding much stronger the longer they talked, and looked deep into her brown orbs. "It's not your fault John. It's not."

"You were taken because of me."

"I was taken because I asked questions and snooped around in Samaritan's business and I just so happened to have a connection to you. If I didn't hold any use to lure you to Samaritan I'd been dead already," she said, lifting his hand to her lips and pressed a soothing kiss to his palm before lowering it back down. "So it's not your fault for what happened, if anything knowing you saved my life."

John swallowed hard, feeling a lump grow in his throat, guilt nearly crushing him. "You're quite the woman, Joss Carter," he said, truly in awe of her but not able to see it her way.

She smiled. "Thank you, I see you don't believe me. The guilt is all over your face, John. So I guess I'll just have to keep repeating this until the end of time to get you to forgive yourself over something you didn't even do," she said matter-of-factly. "I'll wipe that guilt from you but you had your say, now it's my turn to speak, regardless if you're finished or not."

"I'm not."

"Well, the rest of what you want to say will have to wait. I have waited so long to tell you and I promised myself while I laid there in that cage waiting for rescue, that if I ever saw you again I wouldn't keep silent anymore," she said gently. "I want to keep my promise to myself and I can't keep quiet much longer," she admitted. Everything she wanted to say was on the tip of her tongue and it took all her self-control to not just blurt it out while he had been talking.

"Alright…"

"You told me in the morgue that I changed you. Well, I stood there and just listened and admittedly I was shocked because you're not one to speak how you feel. I was honored that you felt safe with me to share yourself," she said as her breath hitched. She had felt humbled that John had decided to let her in even a little bit. She knew how hard it was for him.

"Joss,"

"John, please, I didn't say anything then and didn't say anything when we were in the precinct together. Didn't say anything when we were outside on the sidewalk before Harold came to pick you up or before Simmons appeared, I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut and it has been eating at me ever since because I learned a tough lesson down in that hole: life is short," she said earnestly as she sat up and blinked her eyes to banish the tears that wanted to make their way out.

"You never needed to say anything, Joss."

Joss gave him a watery smile. "Well I want too. You say I changed you, but you changed me as well. You made me realize that not everything is black and white. Before I met you everything was either/or, never in between, but then you came into my life and nothing was the same again. And I'm glad, John. I'm so happy I was at that precinct on loan that day when you were brought in after kicking those thugs' asses." Suddenly she felt like a floodgate as everything she wanted to say was spilling out of her and she didn't realize she was crying until he reached up and brushed the tears away. "I'm so happy I got to know who you really are. You're such a good man and you don't even believe it. And I want you to believe in it so badly."

"Joss, take a breath," he said softly as her heart monitor was going haywire. Her heart was pounding because she was getting close to telling him how she felt. But she did as he suggested because she didn't want the nurses to come in here and kick John out.

"John, you have always been there for me. You said I always wanted to do everything on my own and you were right, I did. But as time passed I got used to you being there, got used to having you by my side, on my side."

"I'll always be there for you," he interrupted.

"John, I love you," she said, not paying attention to what he said because she already knew in her heart he'd be by her side no matter what, John loved her and she needed him to know she felt the same. John sat there staring at her. "I don't even know when I fell in love with you. Probably just a steady progression, but it's been there for a while, something I didn't want to admit to, because I was petrified if I told you how I felt that somehow I'd lose you. Like owning up to it would somehow make you disappear from my life and as much as you couldn't lose me I can't lose you either. But I'm not afraid anymore because life is too short to keep the words in. To not tell the ones you love that you love them and want to be with them," she said and finally stopped as she was breathless, feeling spent but better. Fear was a powerful motivator but she wasn't afraid of the what-ifs about her possible future with this man anymore. The what-ifs could bring it because she was ready. She loved John and was ready for the next step of their relationship.

John felt words clog in his throat as his heart thundered in his chest. He remembered distinctly the last person to ever tell him that they loved him: Jessica, and he never was able to say it back, was scared to. He didn't want to be afraid of getting close, especially with Joss. He wanted to tell her everything: his fears, his hopes, dreams of a future that he never believed he would have, and that he loved her from the first moment he set eyes on her, but just never realized it until it was nearly too late. Now he had her back and he wasn't going to let this chance slip past him.

"Joss," he started, swallowing the fear that was threatening to choke him silent. The last person he told that he loved them was his mother before she died. 'I love you' sounded so foreign even in his mind. It had been so easy to tell Iris that he loved Joss because Iris wasn't her, he promised himself he wasn't going to let the fear of Joss's rejection stop him, and damn it he was going to keep his word. He turned them over in his mind trying to acquaint himself with them, so that speaking them out loud wouldn't sound so clumsy. John blinked as he turned when he heard the door to the room open.

Joss growled deep in her throat as the Peanut Gallery entered. Shaw made a beeline for her with Root directly behind her. Fusco and Finch followed in at a slower pace. Joss leaned her head back against the pillows in annoyance, their friends had miserable timing because John stood up and she tightened her hold on his hand unwilling to let him go. Finch eyed them both and winced, clearly the only one realizing that they interrupted something really important.

"We could come back," Harold offered and she resignedly let go of John's hand to receive Fusco's hug and give it back warmly. Her eyes were on John longingly. His eyes were shuddered close, masking what he was feeling when just seconds ago they had been open and expressive. John had looked excited that she said she loved him, looked like he was trying to figure out how to express the words back, and then their friends had to walk in and ruin everything.

Shaw, Root, and Fusco didn't seem to be in a hurry to leave any time soon because they were removing their coats and sitting down. Not to mention her mother and son entered too. She looked around the numerous bodies all around her and found John lurking in the back corner. She wished it was just them alone because she had a feeling that if they had been, she would have heard something from John that would truly make her heart monitor go haywire.

Days passed before she was finally released from the hospital after she complained and annoyed the doctors/nurses long enough. Her doctor was a sweetheart and had been happy with her weight gain. She gave her a strict diet to help her regain her strength, muscle mass, and weight so she was once again a healthy woman.

But during those last remaining days at the hospital each and every time that John came to visit her, there was someone irritatingly there. Because if it wasn't her mother and son it was their mutual friends, then if it wasn't them, it was co-workers and Moreno that came to visit her. She met Felicia Moreno way back and they had become easy friends. She was happy her friend had been given the promotion to Captain, because Moreno was by the book, and a great cop. And she was honored to call her, her boss whenever she did get back to work. And Joss didn't miss the sharp knowing glances Felicia shot between her and John, and then the smirk on Felicia's face. Joss desperately wanted to tease John about being Detective Riley, but needed to wait until she got him alone and all to herself!

Finch was letting her use the safe-house to stay at as her son sold her place six months ago. She couldn't blame her boy, to him she had been dead, and living with his dad until college started. Life for him had gone on. She was just grateful she had a place to rest her head for a while until she got back to work and could find a place of her own. The machine had already taken care of her death certificate, thankfully at least it was one thing she didn't have to worry about clearing up on her own. Moreno wanted to set up a meeting to talk business next week. Her mother and Harold had accompanied her to go shopping to get some clothes since all hers had been donated. And she felt more herself since getting out of the hospital, having new clothes to wear, a damn haircut, some new stuff, but her heart ached for John who was noticeably absent.

Taylor and her mother were mother hens for the last three days until she shooed them away wanting some 'me' time. She didn't begrudge them. They had spent almost seventeen months believing she was dead so of course they wanted to be with her. She just needed a little alone time to herself.

There was a knock on the door and she sighed putting down the book she had just started to read. So help her if it was her momma again she was going to have to ban her from coming over! She padded over to the door and peeked through the peephole. She smiled as she unlocked the door and flung it open.

"Hey Carter," John murmured with a hand behind his back.

She had to fight the urge to rush him and just hug him. "Hey, John," she reciprocated before stepping back to let him in. John did but before he fully entered he pulled his arm from behind his back and handed her a bouquet of beautiful flowers that weren't roses. She recognized two of them immediately but the others she didn't. She took them with a large wobbly smile that he brought her heartfelt flowers and not stupid roses. "Thank you," she said sentimentally. She inhaled them as he stepped inside.

He eyed her as she closed the door and locked up before turning around. "Sorry they aren't as fresh since I had to buy them from a florist that grew these indoors," he murmured with trepidation.

"Hush you, they smell and are absolutely beautiful," she chided before looking up at him. "I love them." And you, but she kept that off since he already knew that. She wanted to know why he had been hiding away, wanted to know what he was thinking.

"I know they aren't roses," he hedged.

"I'm glad, these mean more since you put thought into these. Roses anyone can get," she admitted. "I didn't know when or if you were going to come by," she added softly.

He stared at her. "I didn't want to impose on you and your time with your family."

She looked up at him from the flowers to scowl. "John, you wouldn't have! My boy would have loved to see you and my mother is intrigued by the handsome John Riley."

John stood before her, standing near the door of the safe house. They remained silent until John broke it. "Do you know those flowers?"

She looked down at the flowers once more before looking up at him, sensing there was more to this than merely a pointless question about flowers. "I know one or two of them," she answered vaguely.

He nodded. "As a young boy I grew up on a farm in Washington after my dad died. My aunt owned it. But the farm next to ours, there was an older woman: her name was Mrs. Johnson," he said with a small smile. Joss watched him as he spoke, feeling warmth spread through her. He loved this Mrs. Johnson. "She was in her late seventies and I would always go over to her place and help her plant her garden."

"So you have a green thumb," she murmured.

He shrugged. "Not really, I just enjoyed playing in the dirt instead of milking cows."

She snickered. "Typical boy."

"But I did retain some of what she taught me. She taught me everything there was to know about flowers, their names, what class they were in, their different colors, and their special meanings," he said as he stepped close and she had to lean her head back to be able to look deep into his eyes. There was something in them but she wanted to see where he was going with this. "These, Joss," he pointed to the flowers in the back of the bouquet.

"Are beautiful," she supplied.

He smiled. "They are, they're called: Chrysanthemum and overall they mean fidelity, optimism, joy, and long life. But the colors sometimes symbolize special meanings."

Joss looked down at them. "What do white and these purple ones symbolize?"

He smiled. "In a minute, Joss," he said softly before he pointed to the next flower in the bouquet. "These are…"

"Daisies," she said before he could. "I might not be Miss English Gardens, but I can spot a daisy when I see one."

He chuckled and she couldn't help the smile in return at the soft rumble. John seldom allowed himself to enjoy life and she hadn't heard his laugh or seen that truly beautiful smile he had that he hid from the world in a very long time.

"Do you know their meaning?" he wondered after a moment.

"Not really…."

"They symbolize innocence and purity but also they can symbolize new beginnings."

"Oh John," she whispered understanding the implication of what her Flower Lesson 101 was. It was his attempt at giving herself some of his past as well as a way to explain to her how he felt.

"Back to the Chrysanthemums, while the purple holds no special meaning besides it's your favorite color, the white does," he continued.

She narrowed her eyes. "How do you know my favorite color is purple?"

He shrugged. "You mentioned it one time," he said and squirmed under her unrelenting glare. "When you were with Cal on a date," he said with a look like a child had been caught being bad.

"I thought you said you would tune out," she huffed and then shook her head. "Never mind, what does white mean?"

"It symbolizes truth and loyal love," he said gruffly. "And I do, Joss. I haven't been able to say the words to anyone in a very long time. You might now know when you fell in love with me, but I know when I fell in love with you: the first moment I looked into your eyes."

She dropped the bouquet of flowers on the table near them and rushed into his arms. He dipped his head and kissed her. She sighed. It was deep and tender, lasting longer than mere seconds like the one he planted on her in the morgue. Joss felt tears of joy fall freely. She dreamt of this moment for so long and finally it was here. It was even better than her dreams. Because not only did John admit to his feelings for her and she got to kiss his lips again, he shared something deeply personal with her about his past.

He ended the kiss to drag in some much needed air, before he wiped her face gently. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you how I felt. I didn't realize it until it was too late," he said lowly.

"It's okay John, I hid from it and you couldn't recognize it was love you felt. You hid from your feelings so long you got too good at it and I had gotten too used to being alone," she reassured him as she smiled up at him. "Thank you for finding the courage to tell me now, for letting me in."

"Fear has always kept me silent. I kept Jessica at arms' length because I was afraid. I wasn't going to let my fears rule me this time. I loved Jessica but never told her how I felt. With you, I was given a second chance, and I didn't want to make the same mistake I made with Jessica again. I wanted to tell you how I felt when you were in the hospital but..."

"Everyone was always interrupting," she supplied.

He smiled softly as he licked his lips. "That and for the simple fact that I'm not very good at speaking how I feel."

She smiled in return. "I'm glad you waited to tell me when you were ready and not out of reaction to my declaration. It means more. And I do love you, John, so very much."

"I love you too, Joss. I'm not sure how this will work because I'm not exactly good at relationships. I'll probably end up making mistakes."

Joss pressed a kiss to his pounding heart that mirrored her own before leaning back to look up in his eyes. "John, you don't have to be perfect. No one is. I'm not. We'll make mistakes, we'll fight and make up, it's this crazy thing called 'love.'" she teased gently trying to calm his nerves. Joss knew he hadn't been in a real relationship in a long time.

"There is still a lot you need to know about, Joss, a lot we both need to figure out." he murmured.

"I'm sure," she agreed before softly kissing him. She stepped back before the urge to deepen it overtook her, to grab his hands to tug him to the couch. "But we have a lifetime together to figure out the future."

John smiled as he stopped allowing her to tug him to the couch. "I like the sound of that," he admitted before he leaned down and kissed her warmly and sealed his heart to hers forever.

AN: This story wouldn't be a Careese story without an interruption or two ;D And I had to do some googling for the flowers/meanings because I'm like Joss LOL. Thank you for coming along for the journey of what is absolute wishful thinking and this is the end. Only thing that is missing is the epilogue that tidies up some last loose ends like Control and of course smut. But I'm still working on that. It will be posted separate from this most likely titled: New Beginnings.

Thanks for reading!